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  1. #21
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    Mar. 10, 2009
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    ^^^ Well, my husband and I got frozen out by his side of the family when we didn't attend his nephew's Jamaican wedding. The destination wedding decision was made roughly two months prior to the actual date. DH had lost his job about a week before and we could not justify the expense. Yes, we got them gifts off their registry. Yes, we honestly did feel bad about it. No matter, they felt we should have begged, borrowed or stolen the money to attend. There were repercussions for about six months, when everyone decided to "forgive" us. Fortunately I am not the kind of champion grudgeholder that SIL's family is.



  2. #22
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    Jul. 2, 2005
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    My son and DIL got married 6 years ago at Sandels Jamaica. Twenty-two people came. All of the people we liked, and none that we didn't like. They had a large back yard reception for other friends and family two weeks later.

    I paid for DH, myself, my other son, and his then girlfriend. We stayed six nights. The brides mother paid for herself, her husband, her other son and his wife, the bridal couple; they stayed six nights, and three of their attendents who stayed 3 nights.

    My MIL paid for herself, her daughter, and her granddaughter and then boyfriend. They stayed between 3 and 6 nights.

    My best friend and her husband came and stayed 6 nights.

    At the reception, I paid about a third of the costs.

    We all thought it was the best trip and wedding ever. It just kept going. We had so much time to be with each other. Some of it was beyond our control...the kids wanted sunset, the latest they would do it was 5pm. We wanted a room for a rehearsal dinner, they never heard of that. The dinner accommodations after the wedding weren't perfect. Still it worked out fine in the long run, you just couldn't be a control freak.

    Since then, one of my son's has been to at least 4-5 destination weddings. They get to be very expensive. They are going to Mexico next month, they were in Nashville in Nov. Several years ago, they went to Dominican Republic.

    This same son had an almost destination wedding, as the girl's hometown was 2-3 hours away from where we all live, and many of us stayed over.
    ********
    There is no snooze button on a cat that wants breakfast.



  3. #23
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    Mar. 15, 2007
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    (throw dart at map) NC!
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    Quote Originally Posted by soloudinhere View Post
    As someone planning a wedding I have a different take on this.

    I don't understand all the responses of "Well I don't want to use my time to go somewhere when they could have been polite and gotten married here."

    Well, maybe it's me, but since when exactly is it about YOU?

    People are mostly invited to weddings as a formality. I haven't talked to my mother's best friend since I was 14, but I'm expected to invite her and pay for her plate because she's my mother's best friend. I could not care less if she is at my wedding, and my fiance doesn't even know who she is.

    If she doesn't want to fly to my destination wedding? Ace. Now I have a reason for her not to be there.

    Sorry, but I'm embittered about this. I hate the idea of having a totally standard, cliche country club soiree solely so that other people can come to it.

    We're getting married in Key West. The people who are actually important will make it happen. The others can watch it online and save their pennies and vacation time. I couldn't care less, it's MY wedding and I'd like to have it somewhere special to me, and that does not include a park somewhere near home that I see every single day of my existence. What's special about that?

    If you want destination, because it means something to you, DO IT and apologize later. You only get one and you can throw a barbecue to appease the pearl-clutching masses.
    It seems like it's more important for you to come to terms with NOT inviting the people you don't want to invite. That's fine! Just go to Key West and get married! That's where my parents honeymooned an it's a very special place to them. You don't have to invite anyone! I do hope you're not planning to "invite" (i.e. expect gifts from) people you actually are hoping will decline to attend. I HATE when people invite people they know can't attend just to get a gift. No one is going to watch your wedding online if they feel priced out of your wedding. And who cares, right? The day is about YOU, so steal away and marry your beau in a small ceremony.
    Proud member of the Colbert Dressage Nation


    5 members found this post helpful.

  4. #24
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    Oct. 9, 2010
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    I find them very, very selfish if you expect people to show up. It is a huge financial burden on a lot of people. If you just elope with the two of you then it is fine, but I hate how people who do them expect friends to shell out thousands of dollars to watch you say I do?

    Also I would not want my family around for that honeymoon time. It's just for you and the spouse not family bonding time.


    8 members found this post helpful.

  5. #25
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    Feb. 21, 2009
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    Rootown!
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    To me there is a difference between a destination wedding and a wedding you travel for. I will be getting married in my Cleveland. It's where both BF and I are from. It's two hours from where we are now. It makes more sense for us. The vast majority of our families still live there. If we have friends who can't make it, so be it. I will miss them, but I will understand. We will still probably have at least 150 people due to his huge family.

    There would be no point for us to get married in say Jamaica. I want my entire family there. I can't afford to cover everyone's cost to go there and I know most of them can't afford it either.
    No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle. ~Winston Churchill
    For Hope, For Strength, For Life-Delta Gamma
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  6. #26
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    Apr. 2, 2003
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    Quote Originally Posted by J-Lu View Post
    It seems like it's more important for you to come to terms with NOT inviting the people you don't want to invite. That's fine! Just go to Key West and get married! That's where my parents honeymooned an it's a very special place to them. You don't have to invite anyone! I do hope you're not planning to "invite" (i.e. expect gifts from) people you actually are hoping will decline to attend. I HATE when people invite people they know can't attend just to get a gift. No one is going to watch your wedding online if they feel priced out of your wedding. And who cares, right? The day is about YOU, so steal away and marry your beau in a small ceremony.
    We're not inviting anybody.

    Well, that's untrue. Obviously parents, FI's sister and her fiance, my best friend and her date. I'm paying for my much poorer best friend and date to come.

    I'm not inviting everyone and their mother and expecting them to go to key west. I just don't really appreciate the implication that somehow you deserve not only a wedding invite but a convenient location and time for YOU. It's one of the reasons we are doing destination in the first place, because when you're home everyone else feels like they get a say.

    We're providing anyone who asks about the wedding the online link on our website. If they want to watch, they can. If they don't care, so much the better.

    The cost is so low that I don't need to offset anything with gifts, which is usually what happens with a larger wedding. Couldn't care less if we got gifts from anyone and I'd be very surprised if our destination guests gave us any, which is fine. It's just neat to be spending the day with them in a very unique place.



  7. #27
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    Oct. 30, 2013
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    Stay away from Sandals! Even though the packages sound great, it seems their whole point is to capture pictures and get you to buy them (at way marked up rates). All the guests at the wedding I recently attended there (in St. Lucia) felt like the wedding was secondary to the picture-capturing. The photographers even had them REDO part of the ceremony (in front of all the guests) to get better/more pictures.
    Otherwise, no new thoughts! Congratulations on your engagement!

    ETA: Oops, just saw another poster that had a good Sandals experience-- guess I can't paint the whole chain with such a broad brush. Stay away from Sandals St. Lucia, then!



  8. #28
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    Apr. 12, 2002
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    Texas
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    My SO and I plan on doing a destination wedding, mostly because we don't want to invite a bunch of people. We plan on taking a vacation and getting married while we are there.
    The wedding is about the bride and groom and what they want. Some may see that as selfish, but who else should the wedding be about? The guests? Now that sounds selfish to me. If you are invited, you don't have to go if you can't/don't want to afford it, but don't complain because someone else had the nerve to get married somewhere that wasn't convenient for you. Just don't go!
    Rhode Islands are red;
    North Hollands are blue.
    Sorry my thoroughbreds
    Stomped on your roo. Originally Posted by pAin't_Misbehavin' :


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  9. #29
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    Oct. 11, 2007
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    Andover, MA
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    I've never been invited to a destination wedding, but if I was, I would consider it carefully. I don't want someone else planning my vacation for me, I dislike resorts, cruises, most catered food, etc.

    I do like the idea of making the destination wedding part very small, and perhaps the couple can chip in toward the cost for the few guests they have... And then when you get home, throw a big party!

    Then again, my husband and I got married in 2002 in our barn, with 175 guests and a potluck lunch, no dancing and no pro photographer, so we're outliers I heard for years about how much fun people had at our wedding.

    My brother and his wife live in Alaska and got married there. They knew that for a lot of guests, this was more or less a "destination wedding" so they got groups rates for anyone who wanted, say, a whale watching cruise, or dinner on a boat on a beautiful lake. And then... since their honeymoon didn't happen until several weeks after, they invited all the younger/more intrepid guests to spend a week or two with them at her parents' remote vacation cottage. It was a full house, but SO much fun and we all did as much as we could to allow the newlyweds "alone time."

    The talk of the wedding were a few of the bride's family who are big Wall Street types in New York City, flew all the way to Alaska, were there for one or two days for the wedding, and flew right back!
    Last edited by quietann; Jan. 13, 2014 at 11:47 AM.
    You have to have experiences to gain experience.

    Proudly owned by Mythic Feronia, 1998 Morgan mare; G-dspeed Trump & Minnie; welcome 2014 Morgan filly MtnTop FlyWithMeJosephine



  10. #30
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    Apr. 17, 2002
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    What some of us are reading as 'selfish' is that Amy is going to mail me an invitation to use a lot of my own vacation time and lots of my money to come celebrate Amy's day. That's a big request. I didn't invite people to my wedding that I didn't truly want to have there that day.

    I think it would be viewed as less selfish if Amy just went wherever Amy and Joey want to go, they got married, having privately made whatever arrangements they had with whatever attendants were also going, (or not). Then come back and just go on with life OR elect to throw some sort of fun 'reception'.

    Does that make sense?


    3 members found this post helpful.

  11. #31
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    Apr. 12, 2002
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    Texas
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    Quote Originally Posted by katarine View Post
    What some of us are reading as 'selfish' is that Amy is going to mail me an invitation to use a lot of my own vacation time and lots of my money to come celebrate Amy's day. That's a big request. I didn't invite people to my wedding that I didn't truly want to have there that day.

    I think it would be viewed as less selfish if Amy just went wherever Amy and Joey want to go, they got married, having privately made whatever arrangements they had with whatever attendants were also going, (or not). Then come back and just go on with life OR elect to throw some sort of fun 'reception'.

    Does that make sense?
    Not really. Amy and Joey invited you because they did really want you there, if you could come, but you are not obligated in any way, and they understand that most people will not be able to attend due to expense and time away issues. I still don't see how that makes them selfish.

    On the flip side, how many people would be really ticked off if they did not get invited to a wedding, even though they had no plans of attending? By proxy of all of my friends getting married, I can tell you that number is pretty darn high.
    Rhode Islands are red;
    North Hollands are blue.
    Sorry my thoroughbreds
    Stomped on your roo. Originally Posted by pAin't_Misbehavin' :


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #32
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    Aug. 30, 2001
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    Tennessee
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    IME the bride and groom think the destination wedding is great b/c it is their day and should be exactly what they want. The invitees, even those who attend, generally feel like they are having a lot asked of them. If you go to a resort your guests can't pick the date, may not even be able to shop around for different hotels/better rates, etc. When I got married (in my hometown) we paid for the hotel rooms for attendants that did not live in the area and also for immediate family. We also provided multiple meals. We did all of this so most of our guests only had to pay for their costs of driving and the time away from home. I've attended two destination weddings, one of which I was an attendant in. They both cost me a lot of money and time to attend.

    I think the right way to do a destination wedding is to go wherever you want and have a small ceremony with the bride/groom and whomever else you can afford to pay the way for. Then have a big reception at a venue that is a lot more accessible (both financially and otherwise) for people who would enjoy celebrating with you.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  13. #33
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    Oct. 19, 2006
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    Minnesota
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    I've been to 2 destination weddings, one of which was in Hawaii and I was the MOH. I don't think it's selfish AT ALL. It's their day, they get to choose how and where their wedding will be. I think if the couple sends out an announcement saying when and where the wedding will take place, people can go from there on whether or not they can attend.

    Then they should come home and have a reception!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  14. #34
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    Apr. 17, 2002
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    between the barn and the pond
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    Quote Originally Posted by RacetrackReject View Post
    Not really. Amy and Joey invited you because they did really want you there, if you could come, but you are not obligated in any way, and they understand that most people will not be able to attend due to expense and time away issues. I still don't see how that makes them selfish.

    On the flip side, how many people would be really ticked off if they did not get invited to a wedding, even though they had no plans of attending? By proxy of all of my friends getting married, I can tell you that number is pretty darn high.
    not me- a good friend just got married in Jamaica- never expected an invitation, didn't hurt when I didn't get one.

    What does 'Miss Manners' say to do?



  15. #35
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    May. 3, 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by onthebit View Post
    IME the bride and groom think the destination wedding is great b/c it is their day and should be exactly what they want. The invitees, even those who attend, generally feel like they are having a lot asked of them. If you go to a resort your guests can't pick the date, may not even be able to shop around for different hotels/better rates, etc. When I got married (in my hometown) we paid for the hotel rooms for attendants that did not live in the area and also for immediate family. We also provided multiple meals. We did all of this so most of our guests only had to pay for their costs of driving and the time away from home. I've attended two destination weddings, one of which I was an attendant in. They both cost me a lot of money and time to attend.

    I think the right way to do a destination wedding is to go wherever you want and have a small ceremony with the bride/groom and whomever else you can afford to pay the way for. Then have a big reception at a venue that is a lot more accessible (both financially and otherwise) for people who would enjoy celebrating with you.
    Destination weddings can be fun if most people involved are wealthy. When the cost of attending the wedding eats up the entire year's vacation days and budget (or more) for a large % of the people who feel like they have to attend (family and close friends) then the bride and groom are being selfish.
    For those brides who are saying, "It's my day, it should be exactly how I want it, if you don't want to come, you can watch it on TV", know that half of your guests resent you for the time and trouble you've put them through and at least half of the people who don't come feel awkward, guilty and resentful that you put them in the position of having to decline the invitation and your relationship with them will never be the same unless you go out of your way to act like their failure to attend was no big deal.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  16. #36
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    May. 3, 2008
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    Not sure what the etiquette books say, but I love it when people who are having a destination wedding ask around first about attendance and only send invitations to people who will likely be able to attend. Otherwise an invitation to a destination wedding feels like a big cash grab to me. You know I won't be attending, but you've sent me an invitation anyway, and therefore I feel like I have to give you a gift because you'll resent that fact that I didn't buy you a wedding present.


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  17. #37
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    Mar. 9, 2001
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    A big thing to keep in mind is that unless you decide to honeymoon somewhere else you may wind up sharing your honeymoon with your guests if they decide to extend their stay after the nuptials.


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  18. #38
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    Apr. 12, 2002
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    Texas
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    Quote Originally Posted by NCRider View Post
    Not sure what the etiquette books say, but I love it when people who are having a destination wedding ask around first about attendance and only send invitations to people who will likely be able to attend. Otherwise an invitation to a destination wedding feels like a big cash grab to me. You know I won't be attending, but you've sent me an invitation anyway, and therefore I feel like I have to give you a gift because you'll resent that fact that I didn't buy you a wedding present.
    I'm beginning to think that maybe you all either have horribly greedy friends or you are projecting your own personal feelings onto others.

    All of the destination weddings that I personally know of, specifically stated in the invitation, that gifts were not required.

    If you are going to feel so put out and troubled by going, don't go. I do not know of one single couple that were upset because someone didn't attend their destination wedding. The normal bride and groom know it's a lot to ask of someone, so if people can come, then great, but if not, that's fine too.
    Rhode Islands are red;
    North Hollands are blue.
    Sorry my thoroughbreds
    Stomped on your roo. Originally Posted by pAin't_Misbehavin' :



  19. #39
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    Oct. 26, 2000
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    Tempe, AZ
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    Our destination was Las Vegas. About 37 friends and family flew in from all over the US. They had complete discretion as to where to stay.

    We were married at a wedding chapel with a singing Elvis impersonator, then my parents had hired a bus & guide to take the guests on a historical tour of the city. Mom also had boxed snacks and treats for everyone to eat on the trip and games to play for Elvis-themed prizes.

    This tour took up the time between the ceremony and the dinner at a restaurant. DH & I used the time to decompress a bit before meeting everyone for the meal.

    It was a lot of fun. Most people turned it into a weekend away and there was a lot of hanging out together in various hotels. My folks stayed for about a week and mom won enough at the slots (on like two turns...she's not much of a gambler) to pay their bill!

    I would do it again. I was in a situation similar to Twisting's.
    ~ Horse Box Lovers Clique ~



  20. #40

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    There is a HUGE difference between "it's my day" meaning, "I get to pick the venue, the dress, the ring, the shoes, the colors, the flowers, my attendants, my groom, the songs, the vows, the guest list, the songs, the gifts (via registry), and everything else," and an "it's my day" meaning "I'll do whatever the heck I want to do and give absolutely zero consideration to those who can't attend. After all, it's MY DAY and it should be exactly how I want it."

    There's also a huge difference between booking tickets to a city and your own hotel/meals/etc., and being expected to pay for a five-star resort. And yes, my vacation time is PRECIOUS to me and I don't want someone else picking how I spend it. Flying out for a weekend? I'm on it in a heartbeat. That won't cost me $2k plus $2K for my date. Because if I'm going to a five star resort on an island, I'm sure as hell going canoeing.

    I don't understand how that possibly will work out for you in the long run, both with your friends/family who are the unlucky recipients of this AND your future family.

    I always have a story, stupid as it may be. I have a somewhat complicated family through divorce and remarriage. When one of my parents turned 60, two of my "sisters" got together and planned a party. It consisted of a very nice dinner for all of us at a very, very nice restaurant in a very large, expensive city, tickets to the theater (for all of us), and the best suite in the fanciest hotel downtown for the "pre-party" and for the couple to spend the night after the theater (alone). Oh, and a limo as well for the evening. We had done things for other big birthdays that in no way met this large, expensive scale. I was told that my share for all of it would cost nearly $1000. I was a full-time student, single mom, and living on student loans. The other three were married, two childless, and one living in a million dollar waterfront house was the one doing the planning.

    I didn't get to go. Really. My one sister wanted to pay for me (I didn't want to be a charity case and, frankly, if we were ALL giving the gift, we ALL needed to decide what the gift would be) or somehow work it out that it was subsidized for me, but the other sister was insistent that this was fair and that I should budget for it if I wanted to attend. It was a very crappy thing to do, and the "I'll do what I want no matter the cost" attitude remidns me of that.

    Her words to me, when I expressed my shock at the price and desire to do something with less scale, and perhaps have HER cover the cost of the suite if she wanted them to have the suite, were "well, I just wanted to let you know because I figured you might not have the money to do this and then you would want to plan to get her something on your own."

    It kind of set the tone for our relationship from then on out. To imagine that someone I was (apparently not) so close with would put her needs to make this a grand scale event (the recipient was not happy when she learned the truth) over including everyone in what would have been a wonderful event was pretty eye-opening.

    Do what you want, but you risk alienating those who love you and want to share your happiness, not take over planning or make it anything other than YOUR day.

    I disagree that it's all about the couple. I think it's all about those whom you want to celebrate with. If you want to celebrate with a close few, and they are all financially and time-wise all for it, (or if you pay for it), then have at it. But if you want to invite a substantial amount of people, either pay for it or really think through your decision.

    Do you REALLY want to remember your wedding as "it's all about me?"
    Last edited by right horse at the right time; Jan. 13, 2014 at 02:00 PM.
    LarkspurCO: no horse's training is complete until it can calmly yet expressively perform GP in stadium filled w/chainsaw juggling zombies riding unicycles while flying monkeys w/bottle rockets...


    6 members found this post helpful.

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