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  1. #81
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    Mar. 12, 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by JGHIRETIRE View Post
    This in spades. There are 2 sides youve only heard his.
    Might be 3 sides....maybe the WIFE has all the money and he doesnt want to divorce her and lose his lifestyle.


    3 members found this post helpful.

  2. #82
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    Aug. 28, 2007
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    Triangle Area, NC
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    Nik's right.
    There's a distinct lack of compassion to this thread. Maybe i feel sympathetic to her and the guy because I've studied psychology, and my SO has a degree in it.
    People don't do things like this without having horrible events in their childhood. Would you still think she's a whore if the reason she's doing this were that her father was always gone when young, and when he was around he molested her? What if the only affection. She knew growing up was inappropriate behavior? What if her dad never hugged her without shoving his hand down her pants? These are the REAL things that happen to kids more often than you think! When these people grow up they do effed up stuff out of compulsion.
    she can't fight her compulsion to seek love from someone who can never give it.

    Every time you call the OP a whore you are lessening her chances of seeking help. While many of you see her post as a brag, it's a cry for help.
    www.destinationconsensusequus.com
    chaque pas est fait ensemble


    6 members found this post helpful.

  3. #83
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    May. 24, 2006
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    My childhood was not warm and fuzzy, and I still know the difference between right and wrong. I never said she was a whore, I said she was despicable. She had indicated several times that she KNOWS its wrong but just cant help it..Bull, she can if she wants to. We make excuses for everything and everybody these days which is a huge part of the problem. Its wrong, she knows it, she chooses to continue with self destructive, marriage destructive, bad behavior. She is not a victim, she is a willing participant.


    15 members found this post helpful.

  4. #84
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    Sep. 11, 2008
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    Snohomish, WA
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    Or the asshat cant be bothered to work on the relationship. Just wants to move on to the next great thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Brookes View Post
    To the OP!

    1. You can't have my fancy car cause it's cooler than yours!
    2. You can't have my nice warmblood cause it jumps higher than yours!
    3. You can't have my husband because he is married to me!

    Women that think it's ok to date a married man are the lowest scum of the earth! Yup husband may not be worth keeping but that is not your choice or decision to make! It is up to his wife to make that choice.

    Of course the wife is a bitch, pain, demanding, horrible etc. what else would he tell you? My lovely wife is boring after 15 years of marriage and I have an itch I want to scratch?

    Go find your own man and stay away from ours. Also try looking for some self respect; you can probably find that down at the corner of cheater and loser streets!!!


    3 members found this post helpful.

  5. #85
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    Jan. 18, 2002
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    canada
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    387

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    Quote Originally Posted by erniewalker View Post
    No judging here. I sort of accidentally did the same thing.
    First he told me they were getting divorced- she had served him with papers, they had court dates, etc.
    Then the divorce was on hold, but they were doing the open relationship thing.
    Then he said he was going to fast track the divorce because he wanted to marry me.
    Then he slipped and said something about his other girlfriends.
    That was when I realised this was all a complete crock of... you know what.

    The slut-shaming drives me nuts. Maybe I'm a whore, because I did know he was married, but innocently believed he was in the process of getting a divorce. But if we're calling names, I would say he's a whore, too, since he was simultaneously sleeping with two other people, picking up one-night-stands when he could, and dumped me because he wanted to replace me with another girl. (After I had tried for months to cut it off with him because it was really wigging me out- but he wouldn't hear of it, to the point of being violent, possessive, and scaring me.) I would say I was definitely an idiot, and very emotionally fragile, and willing to believe him because he was very kind and nurturing at a time when I had hit an emotional low.

    I understand what it's like to want the attention without the committment, especially when you've dealt with super-clingy guys in the past. At the same time, you also recognise that this just ain't a good idea, and I'm glad for you. That's a hard step to take. It is very, very easy for people to get addicted to the way being with a person makes them feel, especially when they have a history of not-so-positive interactions.

    To your credit here, you have recognised this is not positive behaviour, and that you need to move away from him. You've gotten some really useful feedback here for next steps to get away from him. Being addicted to a person and the way they make you feel is just as hard as breaking any other addiction- sometimes harder, because you can't always control their behaviour (meaning, you can choose not to buy a pack of cigarettes, and the cigarette can't walk up to your doorstep).

    If you commit to dropping this guy, you must must MUST do it completely. No calling him "just to check in." No "saying hi." Nothing. No contact. Erase his number. Erase your number. Move to Timbucktoo. But definitely, definitely talk about this to your counselor or anyone who can be non-partial. I think you'll find, as I did, that all the things that made you feel gooshy and positive about your relationship were actually things that were poisonous to your emotional and mental well-being. Feel free to PM me, if you want to talk.
    I dont see your situation at all the same as the OP's. Lots of couples break up, and the divorce is in the works. Doesn't stop people from dating, and doesn't make them a cheat. You believed what you were told, why wouldn't you.
    Difference with the OP, the cheater didn't tell her he was getting a divorce, he just pulled the old, she doesn't understand me routine, and even after this went on for awhile she still persisted in going out with him.
    I wont call her a whore, because that is just a nasty nasty word, what she is, is a home wrecker plain and simple and she knowingly continues down the road. As far as I am concerned, thats even worse than the asshat.
    To the OP, karma is a bitch, and this one day will come back to bite you in the ass, and you will deserve everything you get.
    www.tayvalleyfarm.com
    My other home.


    5 members found this post helpful.

  6. #86
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    Mar. 30, 2007
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    Hollowed out volcano in the South Pacific.
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    FWIW, I'm not a manwhore. I'm just very lovable.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have, at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    3 members found this post helpful.

  7. #87
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    Mar. 30, 2007
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    FWIW, I'm not a manwhore. I'm just very lovable.
    Thus do we growl that our big toes have, at this moment, been thrown up from below!


    3 members found this post helpful.

  8. #88
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    Feb. 20, 2010
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    All 'round Canadia
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    Quote Originally Posted by nlk View Post
    She is involved in an abusive relationship plan and simple, that is why people are calling her the victim.
    I think the bar for "abusive relationship" here is set waaayyy low, and frankly is an insult to women in actual abusive relationships.

    She's involved in a relationship that may have mutual manipulation and some kind of mutual need. OP herself says he's also "screwed up". He usually initiates contact, but she's done it too.

    Just because people are involved in bad relationships doesn't make one of them the victim and the other an abuser or a "predator", which is what the post I initially had an issue with called him. She may very well be self-abusing, if you want to call the relationship abusive.
    Psych degree or not, not all human behavior needs to be pathologized. Not even all stupid or self-defeating behavior.


    25 members found this post helpful.

  9. #89
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    Dec. 7, 2006
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    Spruce Grove AB
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    825

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    Quote Originally Posted by ser42 View Post
    Haven't read all the responses, but as far as a married person is concerned- if they are not separated with no intention of divorcing, then YES, it does fit into a nice little box. It's called marriage.

    I can't believe the sense of entitlement people have. Oh, the wife should know, or won't care. He's not happy. PLEASE. If he's not happy, he should file for divorce and only THEN start dating. As long as he's not on the rebound.

    And OP, your MM has CHILDREN?! Holy hell. Poor wife and kids.
    1000000% Agree!!! Dude it ain't cool to bang a married man no matter what. Have some self control and stop it now, please! His poor freaking kids.

    You are a home wrecker. Just stop.


    10 members found this post helpful.

  10. #90
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    Sep. 11, 2011
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    Victim? really?

    Do you guys KNOW women who were murdered by the boyfriend like I do??? Hardly the same thing...its insulting that a cheater is compared to legitamate abuse!!!

    She knows EXACTLY what she is doing and why (addicted to the thrill), and that is the hardest thing for me to understand.


    11 members found this post helpful.

  11. #91
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    Dec. 26, 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by SendenHorse View Post
    Victim? really?

    Do you guys KNOW women who were murdered by the boyfriend like I do??? Hardly the same thing...its insulting that a cheater is compared to legitamate abuse!!!

    She knows EXACTLY what she is doing and why (addicted to the thrill), and that is the hardest thing for me to understand.
    Luckily I have not. However being someone who WAS a victim of abuse I can see it here. Different then knowing someone who went through it or God forbid murdered.

    I can tell you that I was slammed into dashboards of vehicles, terrorized, stalked, and told that my baby would be taken from me. I didn't leave. I stayed because I thought it was my fault. I was the one doing something wrong. I was with a rich ( nothing against the rich but it plays an important part in my story) pre-law student who took advantage of my younger years and inexperience. He turned everything around because he knew what would fly and what wouldn't. He did it for the power. Still almost 9 years later I have to struggle to stand up to him and not be pushed around even though I have a loving husband behind my back who would love to tear the guy apart.

    Yes she knows what she's doing is wrong BUT she has tried to do the right thing. She has tried to tell him no. There is obviously something over her head that makes her feel like she MUST give in to him. Hence abuse and manipulation. While verbal/mental abuse may not have the physical marks of an abusive relationship I can assure that 1. It is just as damaging and can lead to women who take their own lives and if not long lasting issues with relationships. and 2. it WILL lead to physical abuse in the end.

    The point is she feels like she is trapped. She can't say no because he won't listen. Plus he has ways of tracking her down if she does change her number. Which could piss him off and if he is the type of guy I feel he is than heaven help her.


    1 members found this post helpful.

  12. #92
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    Jul. 31, 2007
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    15,556

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    Contrary to the "Cheater being the worst POS in the relationship," I don't think so. Coincidentally, I don't care very much.

    Look, a spouse can do a lot to make a relationship suck and make it hard to leave, thus contributing to the cheater finding that way "out." Not knowing why the OP's marriage went bad, I can't find fault.

    But the "Sorry I cheated and now I want to not hurt the guy any more... but not want to hurt the guy (I'll take that at face value) and not be a further POS? Well, that's a very hard thing to do.

    The first suggestion was right: You leave and you pay the costs of that. The victim of your cheating gets to pick an attorney first and your cooperation. That is the price you pay for getting what you want-- the right to break your marriage vows in a way that's out of line and the freedom to pursue happiness in the next phase of your life. Accept the price as just that-- what it costs.
    The armchair saddler
    Politically Pro-Cat



  13. #93
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    Jan. 18, 2011
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    219

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    I always read these threads where the wife is such a bitch and how unhappy the man is blah blah blah.

    If YOU were married to a cheating douche, wouldn't YOU be a bitch about it also? I certainly would be! She's dealing with the real life guy -- you know, the one who doesn't pick up his dirty socks, leaves the toilet seat up, doesn't pay the bills and leaves the car on empty. The girlfriend gets the all the fun with the fantasy guy -- the one that doesn't actually truly exist in real life.

    Yeah, I'd be a bitch alright.


    16 members found this post helpful.

  14. #94
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    Dec. 30, 2012
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    8

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    Well, here goes.

    Today is his bday. I knew I shouldn't do it. I didn't want to. But I did. I texted him.

    F**K

    Like an alcoholic. Its horrible.

    Nobody here is a victim. You may say the wife, well, she caught us once, who knows how many others there have been and she doesn't leave. Even when she caught us, he was calling me two weeks later.

    Personally I think it helps when I'm there. He doesn't bug her for sex and affection, she doesn't have to keep telling him to F off, I get to play and its win win win. They were actually getting along better when were in the middle of last time. Just at the end I think we pushed it. She doesn't want to lose that BMW.

    He's nuts. I can't imaging being married to that. Hyper-vigilant, suspicious and non trusting of anything and anyone. And desperate for affection. Just would take forever to get close to anyone, which is fine with me. Except after two years we kinda did.

    I'm seeing my shrink wed. In the meantime I'll wash down my anti depressants with vodka aand try not to cry.

    I don't know if I will see him again. He wants to, but leaves it up to me. He's a lot like me, but he's got a lot more going on. But I got a bad feeling. But its also a good feeling, like I'm going to get my fix. Sick, I know.

    he is in law enforcement.



  15. #95
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    Jun. 26, 2009
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    81

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    Quote Originally Posted by badalter View Post
    Well, here goes.

    Today is his bday. I knew I shouldn't do it. I didn't want to. But I did. I texted him.

    F**K

    Like an alcoholic. Its horrible.

    Nobody here is a victim. You may say the wife, well, she caught us once, who knows how many others there have been and she doesn't leave. Even when she caught us, he was calling me two weeks later.

    Personally I think it helps when I'm there. He doesn't bug her for sex and affection, she doesn't have to keep telling him to F off, I get to play and its win win win. They were actually getting along better when were in the middle of last time. Just at the end I think we pushed it. She doesn't want to lose that BMW.

    He's nuts. I can't imaging being married to that. Hyper-vigilant, suspicious and non trusting of anything and anyone. And desperate for affection. Just would take forever to get close to anyone, which is fine with me. Except after two years we kinda did.

    I'm seeing my shrink wed. In the meantime I'll wash down my anti depressants with vodka aand try not to cry.

    I don't know if I will see him again. He wants to, but leaves it up to me. He's a lot like me, but he's got a lot more going on. But I got a bad feeling. But its also a good feeling, like I'm going to get my fix. Sick, I know.

    he is in law enforcement.
    If he's in law enforcement, how can he buy his wife a BMW? Two plus people living on a cop's salary is not a posh lifestyle. Fwiw I don't believe the details of your post, but I do think some people have a need for excitement. Perhaps it is your job that is the problem. There are plenty of high adrenaline jobs that might be a more productive outlet for your need for excitement than this. Seriously. I'm not judging, but it does seem that the only thing for you in this is the thrill of playing a role in someone else's dysfunctional life. Lots of people do stay together for the money but lead separate lives. That may be his arrangement with his wife, but why get mixed up in that. We're women. If we want some, all we have to do is go to a bar and field the offers. Really. Men have to pay for sex. Women get paid. So it has always been. If it is sex you want, it is available for free.


    4 members found this post helpful.

  16. #96
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    Oct. 25, 2006
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    Central Illinois
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    919

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    Wow, you have wasted so much time being someone's back up amusement.


    You say that you dont want a relationship, but I bet if you met a good guy, he would be a lot more appealing that some guy cheating on his wife w/you.

    I just dont understand the draw on being at someone's beck & call off and on for YEARS.

    Assuming since he is "still" married, you have to hide too. So, how does this work?? You go to social functions alone, but just meet up w/him to sleep w/him?

    How is that OK w/you? I really just dont get it. I'd get on w/my life and break off communication w/him. Then again, I would NEVER put myself in that situation in the first place.

    That sounds like a really lonely way to live, to me......


    2 members found this post helpful.

  17. #97
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    Sep. 19, 2009
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    The Armpit of BC
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    154

    Default fee fi fo fum

    I smell a troll.

    Quote Originally Posted by badalter View Post
    Well, here goes.

    Today is his bday. I knew I shouldn't do it. I didn't want to. But I did. I texted him.

    F**K

    Like an alcoholic. Its horrible.

    Nobody here is a victim. You may say the wife, well, she caught us once, who knows how many others there have been and she doesn't leave. Even when she caught us, he was calling me two weeks later.

    Personally I think it helps when I'm there. He doesn't bug her for sex and affection, she doesn't have to keep telling him to F off, I get to play and its win win win. They were actually getting along better when were in the middle of last time. Just at the end I think we pushed it. She doesn't want to lose that BMW.

    He's nuts. I can't imaging being married to that. Hyper-vigilant, suspicious and non trusting of anything and anyone. And desperate for affection. Just would take forever to get close to anyone, which is fine with me. Except after two years we kinda did.

    I'm seeing my shrink wed. In the meantime I'll wash down my anti depressants with vodka aand try not to cry.

    I don't know if I will see him again. He wants to, but leaves it up to me. He's a lot like me, but he's got a lot more going on. But I got a bad feeling. But its also a good feeling, like I'm going to get my fix. Sick, I know.

    he is in law enforcement.


    20 members found this post helpful.

  18. #98
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    Dec. 30, 2012
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    8

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    LEOs do make money. Lots of it. They start off at 4k a month. and it goes up from there. He's been doing it 20 years. Not to mention benefits and etc out the wazoo.

    I'm not at his beck and call. I prefer being alone, I don't need anybody to go to social functions with. I don't want a 'relationship' regular or otherwise. I like being able to send him home. No laundry, no mess, no fights...its nice in that respect.

    He answers when I call, replies when I text. I don't know how, never asked and don't care. I'd think if the mrs were more concerned it wouldn't be that easy, but that's between them.

    I'm not a troll. Ridiculous. If I were trolling, id make up a way better story than this!


    1 members found this post helpful.

  19. #99
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    Feb. 2, 2003
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    Iowa, USA
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    ok, OP if you are real, please call a trusted friend or 911 and don't wash down drugs with vodka, ok? Get some help.
    And God help you if you're just yanking people's chains with your last post. Seriously.


    2 members found this post helpful.

  20. #100
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    Mar. 27, 2008
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    Maryland
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    Quote Originally Posted by badalter View Post
    I'm not at his beck and call. I prefer being alone, I don't need anybody to go to social functions with. I don't want a 'relationship' regular or otherwise. I like being able to send him home. No laundry, no mess, no fights...its nice in that respect.
    WTF? You know you can do the same with a single guy, right?

    Obviously not.

    Keep on thinking you are "helping" the wife. What a little altruist you are.
    You are what you dare.


    6 members found this post helpful.

  21. #101
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    Feb. 14, 2012
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    Fern Creek, KY
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    God. This is gross.

    I just finished dealing with a home wrecker. Thank dog my husband didn't sleep with her, and saw the light.

    You. Are. HURTING. People. FFS. Knock your sh*t off, put on your big girl panties, and get over it. You are taking a father away from his children for your own selfish reasons. You think that once she does give him a divorce it'll be all nice and clean? You bet if I found out that DH had cheated on me, I'd take DD and run. He'd never see her, and I'd make it a freakin' mess for him.

    I don't think that she's going to leave him. He's probably lying to her too. You can't control his actions, but you can control yours. Once he's done with you, I'm sure that he'll wander off to the next available idiot. He probably has already.
    Quote Originally Posted by MistyBlue View Post
    I prefer them outside playing as opposed to standing in the barn aisle playing "I can crap more than you"
    New Year, New Blog... follow Willow and I here.


    11 members found this post helpful.

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