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  1. #1
    OTDalter11 Guest

    Default A Little Lonely

    First let me give you a little background information. I'm in college and I have never been in a committed relationship, I struggle with findings guy in which I even want to pursue dating.

    While I've never been in love with a man I know I love my horses (not romantically obviously). I guess through media and friends experiences I imagine being in love with a person is similar to my love of horses.

    I'm looking for a person whom, like horses, I look forward to seeing at all times and that even the thought of makes me smile. I'm looking for someone that even when being difficult or rude I still love and want to be around them. I want a love that may evolve but never fades. I feel like given my lack of experience I compare love to the feeling I have for my horses. But here I sit feeling lonely and disappointed in the guys I've gone out with and pondering if there is a guy that can match or surpass my love for horses. (Only COTH would understand this comparison)

    At what point do you give up on "true love" (aka the media example of love) and settle for simple compatibility?

    If my standards are unrealistic I want to know. I may just be too young and inexperienced but I am trying to stay optimistic yet when it seems like everyone around you is in a happy relationship it makes you wonder if you are doing something wrong. I'm just lonely yet at the same time I can't even imagine sharing my life with anyone else.



  2. #2
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    Default

    If you can tune down your internal radio, it would be a bit easier for you. Don't worry about a having a boyfriend and you'll be far more likely to find one.

    College is a great place to do stuff in groups. It's also a low stress way to get to know lots of different people. So mix it up -- eat lunch with different sets of friends, go out to the movies/bar/dance/whatever with different groups, and get involved with student life. You can join clubs or volunteer for stuff. When I was in college, I helped with the backstage work for student shows. I wasn't a theater major but I had fun and got to know more people in the process.

    Enjoy yourself and don't worry about what love is all about. It will happen and you'll do just fine when it does.
    Where Norwegian Fjords Rule
    http://www.ironwood-farm.com



  3. #3
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    Feb. 18, 2011
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    Default

    I don't know that I personally believe in that "media/fairytale" type love. I do agree that if you stop thinking about it, it will find you and you also will be less blind to the wrong ones that come around. I never had a serious boyfriend until I was in my late 20's and then I married him and well some days I look back and go what was I thinking even though I love him. Go out and socialize with all sorts of people. Have fun! Your guy is out there, you may have already met him. You just might not have seen him because you are looking for "prince charming, etc.".



  4. #4
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    Oct. 26, 2005
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    You might love many times in your life!!! I don't believe there is only one person out there who is your "soulmate" (having been married more than once, I know!) It might seem like you are the Lone Ranger and the only one without it right now but trust me - it will come. DO NOT SETTLE. When it's right, you will feel it in your gut, not just in your nether regions. Enjoy being young and free to make your way. Truly, when you least expect it, boom, there he will be.
    SPAY/NEUTER/RESCUE/ADOPT!
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  5. #5
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    Default

    The movies lie. Long term relationships mean sometimes you fight and sometimes you want to throw furniture at them and sometimes you make each other so mad that you can't even see. There is no smiley cuddly every day no matter how long you try to prolong the sparkly honeymoon period, no matter how cultural bred into us it is to seek this mystical creature.

    And don't worry about the boyfriend pressure, I went through the same thing. And it's dumb what the cultural expectations are -- chances are, any guy dated in the school years, you will just break up with and/or divorce so it ends up being a waste of time. I did not have a committed relationship until I was about 23 or so, after college and all that business. I was picky. And sure as heck I didn't marry that one, so not sure what the point was, although I did learn from it. The guy I have been with for the last 6 years I did not meet until I was about 26.

    Just enjoy your life, enjoy your horses, do the things you love to do and focus on growing yourself. Don't rely on someone else or some artificial media construct for your happiness even if you ARE in a relationship. Be true to YOU.



  6. #6
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    Oct. 6, 2004
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    Default

    I don't think I've ever experienced a love as stunningly romantic as the love presented in movies. I'm currently dating my best friend though, and we were best friends even before we started dating. It meant that that "spark" has only gotten stronger as we've been together because we had a solid foundation and comfortableness with each other. Past relationships have felt much more "fairytale" like at the start, but then have gone downhill as we learned more about each other and the newness and passion wore off.

    Like others have said though, it will happen when you stop looking for it. Make friends with guys, go out with friends in groups, study with people from classes, etc. Just getting out and about and meeting new people is sure to introduce a few new guys into your circle of friends and maybe one of them will become the right guy to date.



  7. #7
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    Default

    What everyone else has said: no real love is like the movies, meet new people, enjoy your life as it is now. There's no real reason you shouldn't be optimistic, you are young and have plenty of things to do and time in which to do it.



  8. #8
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    Default

    No offense, but if you're in college, it's a little early to worry about it. When you hit your thirites and are single it's time to accept it's probably not going to happen and you should either settle for someone you can tolerate or just get a dog. Just enjoy your life and worry about being in college! Most of those people you see getting married the day after graduation are going to end up divorced anyway. (I wish I had a nickle for everyone in my undergrad alumni magazine who got married right off and the marriage was over within five years.)



  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    When you hit your thirites and are single it's time to accept it's probably not going to happen and you should either settle for someone you can tolerate or just get a dog.
    Hey!

    Why is there some magical "deadline" in the thirties?

    Granted, I'm 32 and in a happy relationship and all that, but I know plenty of people who are very happily single (and not "accepting" that it's not going to happen, just happy with their life). My godmother held out until her late forties, never settling for someone she could just "tolerate" and found the most amazing guy and married him.

    (sorry, I just know people who feel like if they're not married by 30 they've somehow "failed" at life and it bugs me!)
    "smile a lot can let us ride happy,it is good thing"

    My CANTER blog.



  10. #10
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    Default

    Thirty is a cut off of some sort? *snort* I don't THINK so! I bet if you took a poll, marriages between people who waited til after they hit 30 would outlast marriages by two people in their twenties. By far. With age comes wisdom!
    SPAY/NEUTER/RESCUE/ADOPT!
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  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    When you hit your thirites and are single it's time to accept it's probably not going to happen
    WTF? Uh, no, this is VERY not true. In fact, MOST marriages I know ended in divorce (hell, my parents were married 33 years, but they sure aren't now!) and out of those, the vast majority of those were folks who got married in their teens/early-mid twenties. There is NO deadline for settling down with a partner and heck, NEVER is totally fine as well. Don't let convention browbeat you into a mold or a relationship that doesn't fit. The time is past where the default was to get married at 20 and breed like rabbits. Take your time and enjoy the journey.



  12. #12
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    Default

    I said "thirties." If you aren't even dating by then, your odds are long at best and a lot of what you're looking at is more likely to come dragging baggage (or be lacking it for a reason.) Putting the formalities off a few years when you have a pretty sure thing is one thing. Not having any choices? There's a reason places like eHarmony market to the approaching-middle-age set, they know who's running out of choices.

    But college? You're usually not even old enough to drink. It's like worrying about not dating in high school.



  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    I said "thirties." If you aren't even dating by then, your odds are long at best and a lot of what you're looking at is more likely to come dragging baggage (or be lacking it for a reason.)
    Honestly? This is pretty judgemental. I know you said "more likely" but... just because someone hasn't settled down doesn't mean they have baggage. I am not a person with a bunch of baggage and I'm willing to believe there are other people just like me, who haven't found someone yet. (Heck, my sister is a prime example, she is a catch! But nobody has caught her yet! If they don't catch her in the next 3 years, she will be in her thirties!) It happens.
    Blugal

    You never know what kind of obsessive compulsive crazy person you are until another person imitates your behaviour at a three-day. --Gry2Yng



  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    I said "thirties." If you aren't even dating by then, your odds are long at best and a lot of what you're looking at is more likely to come dragging baggage (or be lacking it for a reason.) Putting the formalities off a few years when you have a pretty sure thing is one thing. Not having any choices? There's a reason places like eHarmony market to the approaching-middle-age set, they know who's running out of choices.
    I guess I really am hopeless

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  15. #15
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    Can't help it, I just think this whole thirties/deadline thing is funny.

    I have a friend... well, actually not my friend, but my SO's friend, who seems to think she's a failure because she's hitting thirty and not married. It's just so alien to my way of thinking and being I have to laugh.
    "smile a lot can let us ride happy,it is good thing"

    My CANTER blog.



  16. #16
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    I like the concept of "turning down your internal radio," very evocative and really, I think, cuts to the heart of the matter.

    "Love," the real, enduring, evolving type of relationship is quite different from what I term "luv," which certainly exists, but is more a big ol' chemical headrush. It sounds, OP, like your quest for love has gotten so intense that you are not using the dating process to get to know different men just as people. Maybe there's a spark there, maybe not.

    Mr. CH and I will celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary this fall. When we first met, we were friends. That foundational friendship still persists, and that is what holds the "love" relationship together. It's deep and true and solid ... but it developed over time, not a starry-eyed, meant-for-each-other smack over the head.

    Just ... meet men. In different contexts. Look for that compatibility and allow it to develop into whatever it will be. You might find yourself pleasantly surprised one of these days.
    Equinox Equine Massage

    In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me invincible summer.
    -Albert Camus



  17. #17
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    I am in the EXACT same position. Second year of university, never been in love, never been in a long term, serious relationship. Yeah, there are times I get lonely and wish I had someone. Honestly though, I am like 1/4th through my life if I'm lucky. I don't WANT to get married until I'm in my thirties, so what's the point of dating seriously at 21? Yeah, I may find someone who changes my mind, but it's not a priority right now. Go out with your friends, go out with your friends and their boyfriends! Keep yourself busy and doing new, exciting things and don't worry about it It'll happen eventually!



  18. #18
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    Maybe there is something about the thirties - I didn't get involved with my husband until after age thirty, my daughter didn't either - we are like good steaks - get better with age.



  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by moonriverfarm View Post
    Thirty is a cut off of some sort? *snort* I don't THINK so! I bet if you took a poll, marriages between people who waited til after they hit 30 would outlast marriages by two people in their twenties. By far. With age comes wisdom!
    LOL - for me, 1st married at 21, was young and STUPID! 2nd marriage at age 30, that time was just STUPID! Finally got smart at age 39 (after a long rocky on and off relationship) married my current husband. So yes, with age comes wisdom, but don't count on being wise by 30.
    There are friends and faces that may be forgotten, but there are horses that never will be. - Andy Adams



  20. #20
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    Thumbs down

    Quote Originally Posted by danceronice View Post
    No offense, but if you're in college, it's a little early to worry about it. When you hit your thirites and are single it's time to accept it's probably not going to happen and you should either settle for someone you can tolerate or just get a dog. Just enjoy your life and worry about being in college! Most of those people you see getting married the day after graduation are going to end up divorced anyway. (I wish I had a nickle for everyone in my undergrad alumni magazine who got married right off and the marriage was over within five years.)
    Love means caring about someone else more than yourself. True love is love for a true object, ie someone worthy of those feelings. It is a mature emotion and requires knowing yourself and being able to judge others and yourself truly. You might get lucky, but if you want a sure bet, live in the world first. Fortunately for divorce attorneys everywhere, there are plenty of people who believe as you do and marry young before they are ready.



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