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  1. #1
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    Dec. 6, 2002
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    Default More relationship advice.. Fantastic update Page 10!

    So…here I go. I haven’t posted here in a very long time, but thought this may be just the place to get some outside relationship advice.

    I met my currently ex boyfriend at work and we immediately hit it off. Started talking via text book and then started going out casually together and had the best time. Developed a very intense and quick connection and were very physically attracted to each other. He’s just my type, 6’4, long and lean, full head of dark hair and gorgeous green eyes. Outgoing, caring, very sweet and compassionate, artsy(he’s got his own photography business on the side), and he had a fantastic sense of humor.

    This progressed rather quickly and after a few weeks of hanging out as “just friends” he asked me to be in a committed relationship with him. Of course I immediately said yes and we were very happy. A few weeks after that he told me he loved me, and the relationship got even better. I’m normally a very guarded person but I completely let my guard down with him and believed every word that he told me. He would talk about looking into his future and seeing me, wanting to grow old with me and planning a life together. All of our friends, his, mine, and the mutual ones told us how perfect we were together, what a great fit we seemed to be and how happy we both were. And we were happy, never had a fight, if there was something we disagreed on we’d talk about it and work things out. My only quip was that I felt he was slightly out of my league in the physical sense. I’m average looking, a bit thick, 5’8 typical woman and have some self esteem issues that come along with that.

    Things were great for about three months, and then he went back to Mass to visit his family and decided that he really felt like, after being stuck in PA for four years, he was ready to move back home.

    A little back history before I continue….we’re both 24. He was part of the Jehovah’s Witness religion and wasn’t allowed to date unless it was someone he planned on getting married to. He got married at 19 and has a son who will be 4 in a week. He’s since divorced and has been separated for about a year. He loves his son to death and is a fantastic father. That said, he and I are at very different parts of our life. I’ve lived the wild/crazy 19-23 period of my life to the fullest. I was quite the wild child and I feel like I’ve gotten that out of my system. I’m ready for a real relationship, ready to think about settling down. He has not. He’s been married and had to grow up much faster then I did. He’s not gotten to live out the “I’m single and going to go out and party every night without a care in the world” and I think he’s also reliving that now. Anywho, onto the rest of the story….

    He comes back from Mass and decides that he wants to move home, he misses his friends and family(all his brothers live up there) and that he wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that it meant to ask me to uproot myself and move back up there with him. He told me he still loves me the same and cares about me very much, but thought it was best if we broke up and stayed friends then continued to date and get closer and then have it hit us like a Mac truck when he left at the end of May. I was devastated. Completely heartbroken. I let my guard down, let him in and believed every word that came out of his mouth. I had been blissfully happy and hoped that it would have continued. He said he still wanted to remain friends, I was his best friend and he couldn’t imagine his life without me. He’ll be back in PA twice a month to see his son, and wants me to come visit him whenever I like up in Mass. I truly consider him my very best friend. We have a very deep connection and talk about everything with each other. So, I told him I could continue to be his friend, and everything would be fine. I’m still in love with him, we talk everyday and hang out almost every night still. He is everything that I’ve ever wanted and it still crushes me that we’re not together anymore. We still have a lot of fun, we cuddle and hang out and do everything a couple would except without the title. He’s been fairly good about not rubbing it in my face if he’s talking to or hangs out with someone else. We’re still sleeping together/sexually active with each other because ladies….the sex is well….let’s just say he gets an A+.

    I would never tell him to stay, or trying to convince him that he shouldn’t leave because deep down in my heart I want him to be happy and I know that when it comes down to it, he’s not happy here.

    He was up in Mass last weekend and started telling me how special I was and what an amazing person I am and that I’ve carved a spot into his heart that will never be replaced by anyone else and that he missed me very much. We spent pretty much the whole week together this week and had a fantastic time. He had his son this weekend, and the kid and I get along great….we played all weekend, I cooked them breakfast on Saturday morning….and as I was doing so he looked at his son and said “If you’re very lucky when you grow up you’ll find someone as amazing as Lindsey is.” We’re still very affectionate with each other, very attracted to each other, and enjoy being around each other.

    I have to add as well that he is NOT a bad guy, he has never, ever lied to me and is honest to a fault, at times. He’s told me over and over again that he does NOT want to hurt me and it’s just crappy timing, if we had been together longer and things were as good as they are now, he would have absolutely asked me to move with him.

    I understand where he’s coming from, 4 months is nowhere near long enough to ask someone to move with them. I completely understand that he’s probably scared of the commitment that it means as well….being that his first marriage was not a good one and he felt stuck for the majority of it. I understand that at this point in his life, he should probably be single.

    The kicker is, I miss him and the relationship that we had with my whole heart. I was the happiest I’ve been in my entire life. I love him to death and as much as I want to be able to be just his friend, it’s very hard for me. I don’t know how to switch off my feelings or emotions towards him.

    What I’d like to have happen and what I really hope will….is that he’ll move up there, get settled, the novelty of it all will wear off and he’ll sit back and realize that what we had was something incredible….and he’ll miss me. He’s already said that he is very aware that he will NEVER find anyone out there like me, nor someone that’s as good for him as I am. He’s also said that once he get’s up there and gets adjusted, if we’re both still single he wouldn’t pass up the change to be with someone as special with me. And he knows I’d move up there in a heartbeat. For me, it’s him….and it always will be.

    So I guess this was more of a vent, but any suggestions as to how to deal with this/what to do to keep myself from missing him so much….and when he moves, how to not wait for the call that may or may not ever come…..would be greatly appreciated. Sorry this is so long, and thanks to everyone who made it through.
    Last edited by TatteredDaydreamer; Apr. 9, 2012 at 09:38 AM. Reason: Title change, again.
    "And my good dreams? They all come with a velvet muzzle and four legs. All my good dreams are about horses."--In Colt Blood

    COTH Barn Rats Clique!



  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul. 20, 1999
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    CA
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    Default

    Why is he moving so far away from his kid?


    1 members found this post helpful.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Nov. 26, 2000
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    Where I am cold most of the time
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    Default

    Let him move, live your life as you had planned and just let whatever happens happen.

    4 months is way to soon to uproot yourself and your brain is too hopped up on new love endorphins to be rational.

    It sounds like he has much growing up to do (partially do to a sheltered upbringing I would suspect). It seems soon for him to even be introducing you to his son.



  4. #4
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    Mar. 14, 2004
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    Left coast, left wing, left field
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    Default

    Let me see if I understand this. I never was that good at the shoulds and shouldn'ts at whatever stage of a relationship.

    He can't ask you to move. But you'd be happy to move. So let me ask -- would he be unhappy if you moved? If so, would it be just because he'd feel responsible for you having uprooted yourself? Would you be lost in MA and blaming him if things went wrong? (What part? Boston or some tiny town where you'd never want to be if it weren't for him?)

    To me it sounds like he's saying one thing and doing another. If you are everything to him that he says, I don't think he'd be leaving without you.
    Arrange whatever pieces come your way. - Virginia Woolf

    Did you know that if you say the word "GULLIBLE" really softly, it sounds like "ORANGES"?



  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct. 22, 2003
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    1,698

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by BLBGP View Post
    Why is he moving so far away from his kid?
    This.

    Beep. Beep. Beep.
    "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings



  6. #6
    Join Date
    May. 11, 2009
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    201

    Default

    Honestly it just sounds like a cop out. There are such things as long distance relationships, especially when you would still be able to see eachother a few times a month. If he wanted a relationship with you, I don't think he would have broken it off. He wouldn't be talking to other women behind your back( or not rubbing it in your face, whatever you want to call it), either. He may be a good guy, but he's not ready, for whatever reason. You can wait around and give him all the benefits of the relationship without the title or the commitment that goes along with it, or you can move on. Really. You should move on. Why is he even talking to other women if he 1) loves you and 2) is moving anyways? Sounds like he just wants to have fun.



  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul. 31, 2007
    Posts
    557

    Default

    Frankly, the "I know I won't find anyone as special as you" thing sounds like a cop-out. If that were true, what is he looking for? If he just wants to go out and play around, it doesn't sound like he's that into you. If he's looking for something else, it doesn't sound like he's that into you.

    I think if he were, he'd find a way to make it work. And bear in mind, "not that into you" in this case doesn't mean "he's a jerk and not into you at all and just playing you"... it means "not reciprocating your feelings right now."

    Good luck, but protect yourself and stop sleeping with him/hanging out with him so much. He should probably start understanding that he can't have it both ways.
    The wind of heaven is that which blows between a horse's ears. ~ Arabian Proverb



  8. #8
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    Jun. 20, 2000
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    Full time in Delhi, NY!
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    Default

    Let him move. Go and visit him and meet his family and check out his area and see if you like it. If you like it, if you could see making a life there without him then propose moving to him but not necessarily in-together. There is so much going on in both your lives.

    Is he that into his religion? Do you understand his faith and are you okay with the no birthday, no Christmas? If you have a heavy holiday tradition like I do, it might be hard to have a partner for whom Jesus is the ONLY reason for the season and materialism is frowned on.

    Then there is the matter of his son. Where is his son living? In MA? In PA? Where's the ex-wife and what's her role in his life? So many questions so little time you've known each other.
    ~Kryswyn~ Always look on the bright side of life, de doo, de doo de doo de doo
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  9. #9
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    Apr. 28, 2008
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    Default

    All the above, plus who is he going back to, his Family of Jehovah's witnesses? I am sure THAT is going to help him get his head on straight.

    And is he going to maintain two apartments so he has a place to visit his son? Or just use you? Can he afford to maintain three households, two for himself and child support?

    Or is he really all that great after all? I would wonder.



  10. #10
    Join Date
    Nov. 30, 2006
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    CA
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    I got out of a relationship last year with a guy who was divorced. He'd met his ex-wife very young, they'd been together for years, got married, etc. She broke his heart, he took three years off from dating and moved to another country to start over. Finally he wanted a girlfriend and that's where I came in.

    He was well-trained as a boyfriend, loving, caring, generous, etc. HOWEVER, he wanted to play. He did not want a serious relationship that was going somewhere, even though we had a lot in common and great chemistry. I soon realized that while I had got it all out of my system and was ready to settle down, he hadn't...he hadn't really had his time, like you did or like I had, to do the young and single thing, and he was hell-bent on having that experience. He also, because this is what he was used to, wanted to the security of a girlfriend. In short, he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

    So based on what you've told me and my experience, he's not ready. I'd let go of this one and ESPECIALLY stop having the A+ romps together, as this ties you chemically to him and will get in the way of your being able to get over him.

    This one just wants to play. In a few years maybe he'll have it all out of his system, but that time is not now. Don't wait for him. Don't interrupt your life for him and certainly don't move. As hard as it is, let him go and find someone else who is on your same page.



  11. #11
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    Oct. 29, 2007
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    TN
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    Does he not want a long distance relationship? They suck compared to when someone lives down the street, but if you think this is really special it might be worth it. And if you can survive a long-distance relationship, you can survive just about anything as a couple lol.
    "Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out." ~John Wooden

    Phoenix Animal Rescue



  12. #12
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    Jul. 22, 2007
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    South of Georgia, North of Miami
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    Quote Originally Posted by BLBGP View Post
    Why is he moving so far away from his kid?
    Out of all that I applaud BLBGP for picking this out. Good question and I would want an answer. Might give you a crystal ball into your own future. The kid is only 4 and needs his Dad.

    And I admit I have gotten cynical as I've aged. I've learned to watch actions and not listen so much to words. People will blah, blah, blah you to death with pretty words to get what they want. I agree he has some growing up to do.



  13. #13
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    Dec. 6, 2002
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    Bucks County, PA
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    He is miserable here....completely. Has been stabbed in the back by his so called "friends" here many, many times and is just not happy when all of his close friends and family are up in MA and he misses them very, very much. He feels very alone here, with the expection of me and his son here.

    His kid is here in PA. He still speaks with his ex-wife and they are very civil with each other because of his son. It's not a toxic relationship.

    He isn't moving home to be a Jehovia's Witness again, he and all of his brothers were kicked out of the religion and he wants nothing to do with it. None of them have any contact with their parents, who are still in the religion.

    He'd be moving to Springfield, Mass...about an hour outside of Boston.

    I think that because he is very independent, he'd feel a little smothered by taking me up there at this point. I have met his brothers and their SO's and we all get along very well...but those would be the only people I know.

    His older brother and his then wife moved to FL...the wife was miserable, clung to the brother, made his life miserable, and they ended up moving back to Mass. I think Jordan is very scared of the same/similar experience with me.

    That said, I have several people that I know that live in the general Mass area and am very independent myself and I'm sure I'd soon have my own group of friends.....

    He's been in several long distance relationships that didn't work out at all...and I'm sure he's worried it'd be the same way with us.....

    I'm not trying to defend him here....but I know how easy it is to assume which just the information I've given. He really isn't a bad guy at all, at all. Very caring, very sweet, would give you the shirt off his back.

    That said....I feel like he has some growing up to do, through no fault of his own, but lack of life experiences. I feel like at this point, as much as I hate it, he should be single....without a doubt....I just hope that when he's done....he realizes that we had something really, really special. He does want to settle down and get married again, so I know he doesn't want to be single forever....

    Thank you for all of your advice/opinions....it's much appreciated.
    "And my good dreams? They all come with a velvet muzzle and four legs. All my good dreams are about horses."--In Colt Blood

    COTH Barn Rats Clique!



  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by redkat View Post
    He was well-trained as a boyfriend, loving, caring, generous, etc. HOWEVER, he wanted to play. He did not want a serious relationship that was going somewhere, even though we had a lot in common and great chemistry. I soon realized that while I had got it all out of my system and was ready to settle down, he hadn't...he hadn't really had his time, like you did or like I had, to do the young and single thing, and he was hell-bent on having that experience. He also, because this is what he was used to, wanted to the security of a girlfriend. In short, he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.
    This....as much as I dislike it, makes the most sense to me. He wants to go out and play and be single, but he wants and craves the emotional support of having a gf, having someone that's there to support and love him and talk to and discuss things....the emotional connection he DOESN'T get from being single.
    "And my good dreams? They all come with a velvet muzzle and four legs. All my good dreams are about horses."--In Colt Blood

    COTH Barn Rats Clique!



  15. #15
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    Oct. 29, 2007
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    In that case, break it off. Let him see what he's missing, what he's choosing between. Tell him if he changes his mind (about MA, about long distance, etc) to let you know, but not to expect that you'll be sitting around twiddling your thumbs waiting for his call. In the meantime, live your life and move on. If months/years from now you both feel the same way about each other...there's your answer.
    "Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out." ~John Wooden

    Phoenix Animal Rescue



  16. #16
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    Nov. 2, 2006
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    You can't be his friend.

    Sleeping with him right now is messing with your head. STOP!

    I would bet $ that he has a quasi relationship in MA and that is why he moved there, and that is why he doesn't think you should move there.

    He is good at being the "nice guy". He is good at saying the right thing. He is stringing you along because it works out nicely for him when he comes to see his son.

    You need to be less available to him. Next time he is in town, you need to be busy.

    Again, you cannot be his friend. It is just not possible. This is a rule as old as time.

    I can feel your pain, how horrible to fall so hard for someone and have your heart broken.

    You are worthy of something so much better.

    It may seem like he is the most amazing guy, but he isn't. Maybe someday to someone else he will be, but he is messing with your head and most definitely has a few tricks up his sleeve.



  17. #17
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    Aug. 12, 2010
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    Westford, Massachusetts
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    Unfortunately, I think he is leading you on...whether out of guilt, wanting to keep you on the back burner or wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

    *I* did that once, many years ago...broke up with a guy because I really knew he was not the one for me long term, though he was a close friend. We continued to sleep together and hang out together as "friends", but I was looking for something else. NOT FAIR and I'm ashamed I did it now, it was selfish. I'm my immature state, I thought I was being honest by "breaking up", but I wasn't. Not his fault, but he should have had more self-respect too. I knew, on some level, that he was hoping I'd change my mind, but I knew I wouldn't and didn't. Fortunately for HIM, he found someone else and told ME he was done with the casual post-relationship relationship. Good for him! We're still friends, all these years later, thankfully, I don't really deserve it, though I'm much more grown up now .

    IF he really wanted to stay with you he wouldn't break up with you...I can understand not asking or wanting you to move this early on, but there is no reason you couldn't have a long distance relationship for a while...PA and MA are not really that far apart anyway, there'd be plenty of opportunity to visit, especially if he's leaving his son behind in PA and will be back to exercise his visitation with him.

    IMO, you should STOP sleeping with him and STOP hanging out with him all the time. He's got it really good right now, you aren't even giving him an opportunity to see what he'll be missing! If he changes his mind, fine, if not, you'll be able to respect yourself and start the process of moving on sooner.


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  18. #18
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    Oct. 3, 2007
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    PA
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    Kick him to the curb, quit sleeping with him, find a new boy without any baggage and move on. He sounds like a selfish baby who is leaving his own young child because he is not grown up enough to make a life for himself in a new city. Don't fall for his poor pitiful me act. Between that and the sickening platitudes he's feeding you so you'll keep him company/give him sex until he leaves it makes me want to kick him.

    You deserve better than that.



  19. #19
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    Mar. 14, 2010
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    Earlysville, Virginia
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    I was in a situation for 2 YEARS where we had the "relationship without the title." It was stupid.

    To be frank, if a guy wants to be with you, THEY WILL. If not, then they dont want to be. Easy as pie.



  20. #20
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    Jan. 11, 2007
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    Central VA
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    Girl. Seriously. You know what you need to do, and you've gotten good advice. It sucks but better to deal with it now than to prolong the agony.

    If it really is a "timing" thing, he'll come back to you when he's ready. Unfortunately, most likely there's more to the story, so don't wait for that to happen. Move on with your life.

    I dated a lot and had several really bad relationships, and at the wise old age of 39 (gasp!) all I can say is, better to be single than to waste your time with the wrong guy. Even if you love him with all your heart. If you continue down the path you're on, it'll do a number on your self respect and self worth. Let him go. And you CAN'T remain friends... that's one of the biggest lies of all time. You can perhaps be friends later (like once a few years have passed) but you can't right now. You need a clean break, now. Don't take his calls, delete him from your fb friends, no texting etc. Nothing. If you keep any contact you'll get sucked right back in. You can't move on.

    I feel for you, it does suck. You're young, surround yourself with your friends and go out and have fun. IMO, you're too young at 24 to settle down anyhow, you most likely don't even know who you are yet.



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