If your high school world history knowledge fails you, leading you to google “King Edward,” 14 such men in history will pop up—with some even earning the distinctions of “The Martyr,” “The Confessor” or “The Eloquent.” With the proud name, the gentlemen fought wars and (apparently) eloquently talked and confessed in the hopes that their names would carry on beyond their lifetimes. But none could have dreamed of how their names would persist. Through the fine discipline called dressage, all King Edward’s horses have carried many brave fighters—and bloody fools—and have moved fast, as well as made big farts.
For the sake of learning the order of dressage letters—which of course aren’t alphabetical or designed in any logical way—dressage student after dressage student has done duty to King Edward by studying and agonizing his relationship with his horses in an AKECMBF, or even AKVESHCMRBPF, format. (Though it seems most memorize the letters in a counter-clockwise format, a few did go the other direction.) But King Edward can’t take all the glory. King Victor makes an occasional appearance—once with Charles Manson—as does King Vincent. Sometimes black mares are preferred, or even elephants.
The Chronicle asked how riders brought sense to a nonsensical place, and here are the best gems:
King Edward Eats Cake Monday Before Feasting
All King Victor Edward’s Horses Can Make Really Beautiful People Fall
All Kind Elephants Have Caring Mothers, Bad Fathers
All Fillies Become Mares Cause Horses Eat Kellogg’s
A Keen-Eyed Hound Catches Many Bad Foxes
All Kate’s Elephants Have Canaries Making Blueberry Falafels
All Fat Boys Make Cute Husbands Except Kevin
All Kids Eating Hot Chili Make Bad Farts
Can Mikey Be Friendly And Kind Each Holiday
A Killer Elephant Has Caught My Best Friend
A Kicking Equine Has Clobbered Me BeFore
All King Vincent Edwards’ Silly Horses Call Me Really Blithering Pathetic Fool
Charles Manson Really Behaved Poorly Friday Afternoon, King Victor Even Said Hoa
Alle Friese Boeren Met Centen Hebben Een Koe (Dutch-to-English translation: All Friesian farmers with pennies have a cow)
A Kitten Entered Her Corner Munching Bad Fish
All Fine Boys Must Come Home Every Knight
Any Keen Very Expensive Show Horse Can Make Really Big Painted Fences
All King Edward’s Horses Can Manage Big Fences
All Funny People Begin Riding Mares Cause Hot Stallions Every Victim Kill, and for down centerline: At Dinner Last Xmas Ian Got Colic
A Funny Brown Monkey Came Home Empty-Kegged
This Finish Line article runs in the May 6, 2019, issue of The Chronicle of the Horse.
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