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Losing my mind? too many happy pills? or...

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  • Losing my mind? too many happy pills? or...

    I'm putting this here, because I think it's where the audience will 'get it' more.

    I am considering resigning my PT job that I have loved... for a couple of reasons, but a biggie is my night vision sucks. It's always been not great, but these days I can't afford contact lenses, and the glasses thing... guh. Not sure I'd SEE the important things...

    But beyond that, and deeper in my heart, I want to get back to my First Love. Teaching, training... special students. I have a dream to do a Wounded Warriors/Horses for Heroes program. And doors seem to be opening right and left as far as opportunity for that...

    EXCEPT... since I got PT job, I have worked at least one of my days off, if not 2 or 3, ever since. Before PT job, when I only had one FT job, I rode 3-5 horses, 4-5x a week. I taught. I trained. Since PT job, I'm lucky if I ride the project horse, not to mention any others. I teach rarely.

    I ADORE teaching. I've been held back by insurance concerns. My volunteer stuff is covered unter there Insc. The rest... well, I don't charge a fee--if they'd like to 'donate' to help with 'gas money' then that's lovely.

    But, the biggest, number one reason I'm considering this, is I don't know how long I'll be able to do it. The fibro/CFS is bad at times. Flare ups remind me I'm not 110% any more. Hell, on a Bad Day I'm lucky if I'm 30%. I'm also 'of an age' (if I was a horse, I'd be one of those '12 year olds' at the sale barn. ) and have injuries. I have three youngsters out there, and an unbacked 9yo broodie. Potential for as many horses as I can take--one at a time-- to start and get going and sell for a client. Big, kind, athletic Spanish Normans that would be IDEAL for Paras or Adult Ammies etc.

    But I cannot do it all. I can't work full time plus 2 PT jobs plus the farm, and get anything done.

    In this economy, I feel like maybe it's suicide to give up a steady paying PT job. OTOH, I sell ONE foal a year and ONE stud fee... and that's what I *make* in that PT job... Fate has left me no sale foals in 3 years. I forget how much 'cushion' that puts into the horse budget.

    I dunno.

    I just am really worried that the body is not going to cooperate all that much longer, and I need to DO things while I can... meanwhile the economy TERRIFIES me.

    OH--and the "happy pills" comment comes from a friend/mentor who wonders if the Cymbalta isn't making me 'happy' so I'm not paying attention to the downsides of stuff. I"m on a pretty low dose 60mg 1x/day. The Psych said it's such a low dose as to *barely* touch seratonin, it just short circuits the chronic pain mechanism... even though they don't know why. But I thought I'd add that, because she might be right. I've actually asked the Psych that (hence the answer I got) because I've been really, really happy since getting done my old job.

    What say you???

    InnisFailte Pinto Sporthorses & Coloured Cobs

    Bits are like cats, what's one more? (Petstorejunkie)

  • #2
    Wow,tough decisions.I've always been one that believes it"s very iimportant to follow your passion....life is short.Think it through and remember your passion.Good luck with your decision.


    • #3
      Can you continue to work your PT job while you complete your NARHA instructor certification?

      There is so much that goes into running a quality program for people with special needs. If you are or get your NARHA certification maybe you can make that your PT job and that way you will have a small income and be following something you really want to do.
      Karma and Drifter girl


      • #4
        you certainly don't need happy pills to make bad judgements in business. We've all BTDT!

        Following one's dreams is a good thing, and I applaud you for wanting to do good in the world, but as Karma says, get your certifications and learn about how to run such a business before you give up a semi steady paycheck in this economy. Riding for the disabled is a luxury item and unless you are at the top of that game, your fledgling business will not survive these times. And certainly DO NOT take on more horses or breed more in this economy, if you do not have a steady income that can support the ones you have indefinitely. You may think you have potential to take on as many horses as you like, but if you can't even afford contact lenses, your horse sickness has taken over. We all suffer from that disability!
        "The Threat of Internet Ignorance: ... we are witnessing the rise of an age of equestrian disinformation, one where a trusting public can graze on nonsense packaged to look like fact."-LRG-AF


        • Original Poster

          You may think you have potential to take on as many horses as you like, but if you can't even afford contact lenses, your horse sickness has taken over. We all suffer from that disability!
          Point taken! I can *afford* the lenses, but not at the rate I go THROUGH them. Toric len$e$ supposed to last two months, I'm lucky if they last a week without losing one or ripping one. Actually, I think I end up with like FIVE right lenses and no lefts... but if I get extra lefts, then I only rip/lose rights. We went through about six different brands trying to figure out what the issue is... I don't think it's my eyes or the lenses, I think it's horse hair, dust, dog hair, cat hair, dust, hay, alfalfa dust, beep dust... you get the idea...

          I'm not entirely sure NARHA is the right way to go... I'm already a certified Special Olympics coach and did my Master Instructor/Clinic Instructor with CHA. Will look into it. I am hoping against hope I can get this coming Sunday off work to go to the program down in MA, where I can hopefully get some more direction as far as the Wounded Warriors stuff.

          I guess I'm more thinking along the 'life is short, enjoy your hips and knees while they are still factory originals' lines.

          Project/sales horses are one at a time. I have a practically inexhaustible supply of 3-5yos to start if that's what I choose to do.

          And don't get me wrong--I know that's not an easy 'job' either!

          I dunno. I'm ridiculously happy with my new FT job, even though the pay sucks. The hours are way more conducive to farm work, and I am SO much less stressed and manic. I'm even *sleeping*.

          A question for those with Fibro for a long time... does it progress? No one (Dr's) seems to be able to answer that for me. I feel like the only 'urgency' to make any kind of decision is more because of the Fibro than any other burning need...

          And if it fails... well, maybe Tractor Supply will have an opening??
          InnisFailte Pinto Sporthorses & Coloured Cobs

          Bits are like cats, what's one more? (Petstorejunkie)


          • #6
            I have problems with pain also. I am using Ultram for the pain in my joints and muscles.
            I guess I have FM.
            I am getting old too. I am doing all I can now before I get to here I can't.
            I have my teaching certificates and found through my business Insurance, for teaching and training, it would cost me $125 per month. I live in a state where there is no Equine law protection. Our Trial Lawyers association has made sure that never gets passed here.
            I did find USEF has an Insurance program you might look into. Lots less than commercial insurance.
            I loved training young horses and teaching children how to ride. But that was a while back and now with the economy the way it is my business has fallen about 50%.
            Do what you can while you can.
            I took anit-depressants aslo. All I got out of it was 80 lbs weight increase.
            Paxil knocked me flat. I could not function on that stuff. It was tough getting that weight off.
            I take none of that now.
            I tossed the old glasses and got some neat bi-focals I wear all the time now. Yeah they are not the prettiest in the world but they work. I can't see the broad side of a big red barn without them. Sure beats nothin at all.
            Get out in the sun when you can. It helps. You are not alone. You are not nuts, you just need to reset your priorities.
            Keep going and look forward to each day.
            Like i say, "I checked the Obit's this morning and my name was not there. So it is a great day".
            Every day we can wake up and get up is a good day.
            Make each day count.
            Kind regards, sadlmakr


            • #7
              Originally posted by pintopiaffe View Post

              OH--and the "happy pills" comment comes from a friend/mentor who wonders if the Cymbalta isn't making me 'happy' so I'm not paying attention to the downsides of stuff.
              I can't say about the rest of your post - but I can comment on this phenomenon. I was on a low dose of Wellbutrin for four years (ir was supposed to help me quit smoking). My bosses told me not to take it - they were trial lawyers, as was I, and they told me the medication could give one a false sense of well-being.

              Turns out they were absolutely right. I should've left that job three years before I actually did - and I think I would've, but for the medication making me think things weren't all that bad.

              Be careful making major life decisions while taking that stuff.
              I'm not ignoring the rules. I'm interpreting the rules. Tamal, The Great British Baking Show


              • #8
                I am also on Cymbalta for fibro pain. Have been on it for 3 yrs now. Twice I was slow to renew my subscription and went about 3 to 4 days without. Can't say that I noticed any change in emotions/mood but I sure did realize how much the low dose Cymbalta helps the pain. (And when I started back with Cymbalta after the short time off it took about two days for the pain to level back off to tolerable levels again.) So I don't believe that the "happy pills" are a big problem. But I do think life is too short not to follow your dreams whenever possible. And sometimes "possible" only happens when you make it happen!
                As for does fibro progress? I look back at my grandmother and I am sure that she suffered from fibro all of her later adult life. The doctors had no clue then. If you looked out the window at her in her garden you would sometimes catch her with her guard down and then you realized the pain she was in. And in her declining years if you took her by the elbow to help her she would tell you that your gentle touch hurt her! Sound familiar? (There are days that the last thing I want is for someone to touch me and just let a horse "jar" me good can sometimes set me off for days.) Anyway, my grandmother did not seem to ever get worse except as you would expect from ageing in general. Her pain was just something that was always there.
                I wish you the best!!


                • #9
                  I can't speak to the fibro issues, but I can about the passion for your work.

                  I work seven days a week in lab. Weekends I get up early, go to lab, go to the barn in the afternoon, and sometimes go back and work for several more hours. I offered to come back on a weekend evening every week this semester to help some of my undergraduates study for upcoming exams. I almost always work in the evenings reading papers, writing papers/grants, reviewing grants/papers. In the warmer weather I bring the laptop to the barn and work while Ted grazes. But this is not a job, it is my life's work. So while it is incredibly demanding, I want to do this. I want to get the next result.

                  I can't imagine doing a job where I am just marking time. That is what works for me. But maybe this is what works for you as well.

                  Just food for thought.
                  a 501(c)3 organization helping 501(c)3 equine rescues


                  • Original Poster

                    *ding ding ding ding**

                    Geek... that's a big part of it. I *don't* want to give every free waking hour to the PT job any more. I don't want to have to answer my phone if I'm sleeping. I don't want to have to get up at 00:dark:30 after working the night before any more just to show up to court to have someone plead because I showed up. My FT job is close to (though not exactly the same) as the PT. PT used to be my stress reliever and 'fun.' Now FT job is that... (and pays the health insc! )

                    So instead PT now becomes a busman's holiday--only with more risk. (FT job is hospital security, PT is cop. ) I'm getting the fulfillment of working with people via the FT job... the fulfillment I used to get from PT.

                    And the horses are the 'weekend nights' for me that your job is for you. I was doing chores tonight, at 0100, in 68mph wind gusts (!) trying to fork SOAKED hay off the round bale that was indignant to give it up... and blissfully happy. About 3 days a year I wish I didn't have chores to do. But the rest of the time, no matter HOW tired, or wet, or cold, or... whatever... once I get out there feeding and watering and interacting... I am complete.

                    I'm pretty sure I had something to prove when I became a cop. Early achiever at midlife crisis, mostly. I also think I've proven it, and I'm ok with that. I also think the training--specialties in hostage negotiation, CISD/CISM, suicide intervention--put me in a unique position to move on to the *next* vocation?

                    I dunno.

                    There's no rush. The odds are I'll still stay sworn/deputized, as I am on the backup list for a contract job that is armed/deputized. If that's the case, I can pretty much have my cake and eat it too... *except* for the economy part of it...

                    Long winter nights are just *made* for contemplating these things. I haven't had this much DESIRE to work with the horses in years. Perhaps because I was spending my passion elsewhere... I'm not sure.

                    ALL of the comments are super helpful. Objective, different angles. I very much appreciate everyone humouring me.
                    InnisFailte Pinto Sporthorses & Coloured Cobs

                    Bits are like cats, what's one more? (Petstorejunkie)


                    • #11
                      If you're not enjoying something, it's time to take a break. Could you take a couple of months off your PT job and see how you feel then?
                      Horse Show Names Free name website with over 6200 names. Want to add? PM me!