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The Big C! RIP Kim, see pg. 218

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  • Sannois
    started a topic The Big C! RIP Kim, see pg. 218

    The Big C! RIP Kim, see pg. 218

    There, I said it. Cancer. And evidently I have it.
    It was suggested by folks on the Colonoscopy thread to start a separate thread.
    I was hesitant because it seemed to me that I was looking for sympathy. Nope, Just support from wonderful COTHERS. Who after 18 years are my virtual family.
    I would like to hear from anyone who has or has ever had cancer, or was close to someone who did, or does.
    It was discovered yesterday during a colonoscopy. Which was a piece of cake.
    I do not know what stage or anything yet. But it is not something that was just started. I am waiting to hear from the Docs office for the surgeon apointment. and CT scan.
    What I want most is to tell people who say it can never happen to me and I do not need to get tested, BS.
    I just turned 60, and I was the poster child for never going to the doc. Been healthy my whole life never an ilness or surgery. However, I had these odd symptoms that were mild and not bad for the last several years. I only made this appointment when things got painful this winter. Hopefully I can beat it..
    I used to say Ahh, 60 is old enough, I have no family, I have lived a good life. Well, not a good thing to say.
    I feel very different now.
    Like I said I have gotten some wonderful advise from the folks on the colonoscopy thread.
    The most important is to stop planning my demise before I have all the facts.
    I welcome all your comments info and experiences.
    And please please please. if any of you are thinking this will never happen to me, think again. the test is so not a big deal. Cancer is another story. Thanks for letting me vent.
    COTHERS have always been the most supportive bunch I know.

  • Fillabeana
    Monika, hugs and love from the ranch.

    I'm sorry that you are struggling with the ideas and plans that you had for Kims ashes, and memorial.

    Please know how much it means to us that you were there for Kim when she was alive, in ways that most of us could not be.

    Give some love to your mom, and keep enjoying Nim.
    My Paint mare made friends with some heifers last year, as she was confined while recovering from an injury. This year, the heifers have babies and have just been introduced to the mare.

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  • fargaloo
    Seriously, you guys make me wanna cry.

    thanks so much for your kind and supportive words. You are truly the best. What a legacy Kim left with this thread....

    Also — Nim was a very good girl at her dressage lesson. A few spooks and silliness because we were indoors for the first time in a long time, but she’s such a good egg overall. My dressage instructor met her for the first time and had some nice things to say about her. Thanks, Kim, for watching over us!

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  • skydy
    Hang in there M.

    We were so lucky to have you there for Kim, and it made her so happy.
    You were a great friend to her, and to us. No regrets.

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  • KBC
    So many have said it more eloquently than I can, so i’ll Just reiterate, you have let no one down, not Kim, certainly not team Kim.

    Hugs to you and let’s all celebrate by making each day count.

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  • Jarpur
    You were there for Kim when it counted, and now for your mother who needs you. You didn't let either of them down, and certainly not the rest of us, either.

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  • rubygirl1968
    I agree with all the others. What we do for people while they are alive is what counts and you loved Kim and she loved you. That's all that matters.

    I'm sorry your mom isnt doing well and I hope things start looking up soon.

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  • RMJacobs
    fargaloo, absolutely do not beat yourself up! I will echo the others who said you were there for Kim while she was still physically with us. That was huge. You were very present in her life regardless of distance.

    I've always believed that what happens to the body after death really doesn't matter. Taking some of her ashes to Ireland is a sweet idea, but you can take her spirit no matter whether you have a piece of her physical being or not. Just like she is present for your rides. So don't stress if taking her ashes doesn't work out.

    I don't believe in an afterlife, but I do believe people's energy can stay with us. Kim's energy is with you, no matter where you happen to be.

    Now you are being there for your mother. That is extremely important as well.

    Huge hugs, Monika!


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  • 2DogsFarm
    Originally posted by vxf111 View Post
    Sending good vibes your way. Don’t beat yourself up for things outside your control
    fargaloo You let no one down.
    On the contrary, you are responsible for an uplifting thread the memorializes someone you loved in a way that keeps her memory alive and inspires others.

    As for ashes... Just "stuff" really.
    I still have 50% of DH's (his daughter has the other half) & almost 20yrs later, I still cannot decide exactly where he might have wanted them.
    If Todd allows you to do what you want it will be a blessing. But, if not, no strike against you or slight to Kim.

    Be grateful you are there for your Mom.
    My Dad was 2K miles away when he began his decline. Our weekly phone calls became bittersweet as I could barely make out his words, but the sound of his voice meant a lot.
    I managed several visits yearly, even considered moving me & horses closer, but that never materialized.
    The best thing that came of it all was peace between my brother (who became caretaker) & myself. Through no action I was aware of on my part, that had become rocky after a lifetime of closeness.

    Sorry to ramble.
    This thread just keeps giving and sometimes the memories surface, bringing tears, but in a Good Way.

    Off now to research the tomatoes I planted, now fruiting. For the life of me, I can't remember how big they should be when they start ripening.
    And I will think of you & Kim when they do.

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  • Laurierace
    We showed through you how important she was and IS right here. Being there for them when they are alive is a billion times more important than being “there” for them when they are gone. I put there in quotes because she is right here right now not wherever there is in my opinion. If someone else has a different view of the afterlife that is fine too.
    Last edited by Laurierace; Jul. 19, 2019, 10:07 PM.

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  • fargaloo
    Thanks a lot for your kind words and understanding. I had just kind of hung my hat on the idea that we (through me) would be able to show just how important she was. She always downplayed herself so I wanted to bear witness to how her presence was really transformative for a lot of us. But you are right -- none of that really matters. She's with us still and she knows.

    And boy is she with us -- I don't know if it's because she was such a strong person, or maybe because we mostly interacted with her "long distance" anyway, but I swear I hear her voice in my head every day... mostly saying "Now, Monika...." LOL! To my Canadian ears, her accent was a bit different from mine -- I hear that in my head and it makes me smile

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  • Where'sMyWhite
    Originally posted by fargaloo View Post
    I do feel like I’ve let all you guys down, though. I know it was unavoidable but I had played it out so many times in my mind how I wanted to be there and represent us as “Team Kim” — to bear witness to how much she meant to us and how we all walked with her at the end. I guess I have to let it go — what matters the most is that she knew, and we knew, how much love there was (and is) for her and each other.
    M, you haven't let us down. First, you do have your own life to live and, at the moment, your own life challenges. Your mom is more important as she is in the here and now while as Laurierace said, Kim is here and she's not going anywhere.

    We'll always be Team Kim, walking with her forever and knowing that we were there for her as she will continue to be here for us when we need her. I know for me, she does pop in from time to time to make sure I am centered and keeping my priorities safe

    I will always respect Todd for taking her in and giving her a safe and warm place where she could feel comfortable enough to leave us.

    I always had the feeling that they (at least from Kim's perspective, the only one I have) a 'hard' relationship where, at times, still in love and at other times... intense dislike. There must have been something there for Kim to have married him and something there that finally tipped the scales in the other direction and she chose to no longer be married. I just hope Todd can piece together his feelings and allow Fargaloo to take some of Kim's ashes to Ireland. If not, I know Kim will still travel to Ireland with Fargaloo and we'll all go along for the ride.

    Miss ya' more than you'll ever know Kim...


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  • vxf111
    Sending good vibes your way. Don’t beat yourself up for things outside your control

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  • Zu Zu
    fargaloo ~ you could never let us down ~ you’re a blessing to all ~

    To Kim ~ the Cothers and Todd ( he appears to just be ‘Todd’ )

    * wrap your mom up in love and comfort every day ~ you’re a blessing ~

    Sending Jingles & AO for an easier and peaceful time period for you and your mom.

    ((hugs)) laced with strength and patience ~ ((hugs))

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  • scierra
    M, you are not letting us down, at all. First, you need to be there for your mom, Kim of all people would understand that. Second, the rest of this is on Todd, he is dropping the ball here and not honoring Kim’s wishes. I hope he at least honors her enough to let you take her to Ireland, if not, she will still be with you in spirit. None of this surprises me about him, because of what Kim wrote. He was there when needed though and she didn’t pass alone in a cold house, so I’ll give him that.

    Kim still is a pretty strong woman. It seems like her presence is still with a lot of us. I’ve been thinking of her a lot the last couple weeks. I’m happy to think of her riding along with you and Nim.

    I dont know what your mom’s health issues are, but I do know how hard it is to be a caregiver for a parent. I was my Mom’s caregiver and it was mentally stressful even during the good times. My mom was mentally strong and healthy up to the last week. You and your family are in my thoughts

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  • Callista17
    Originally posted by skydy View Post
    If "what's his name" hasn't kept you, and us, in the the loop, then whatever.... We weren't expecting much from you Mister whatever-your-name-is.
    Are you referring to Kim's ex husband, Todd, the one who took care of her when she was dying?!?

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  • Laurierace
    Stop, you didn’t let anyone down.You were there for her physically and verbally when she was alive. She doesn’t care where you are now because she is everywhere. I am happy to hear that your mom is a more stable.

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  • fargaloo
    Hey guys — sorry to be incommunicado. It’s been a rough week with Mom. She’s back home and pretty stable now, but seems to be accumulating issues that make life even more difficult and demoralizing. We are waiting on some diagnostics but I’m starting to feel that there’s just not that much scope for improvement. She is amazingly mentally strong, though— aside from a bit of “old person obsessiveness”, she’s still 100% with it, which is such a blessing. Thanks, all, for your kind and gentle words. So many of you know what this situation is all about and it’s a comfort to feel your support <3.

    Because of mom’s emergency, I had to let Todd know that I couldn’t be there last Sunday. I said that if he had arranged something to go ahead without me because I didn’t want to disrupt plans, and that I’d be there in spirit. He never responded. I‘m starting to see more and more what Kim was talking about with regards to his quirks.. . Anyway, I hope he understands but if not, well, I guess that’s on him.

    I do feel like I’ve let all you guys down, though. I know it was unavoidable but I had played it out so many times in my mind how I wanted to be there and represent us as “Team Kim” — to bear witness to how much she meant to us and how we all walked with her at the end. I guess I have to let it go — what matters the most is that she knew, and we knew, how much love there was (and is) for her and each other.

    I still really hope that Todd will honour Kim’s request for me to take some of her ashes to Ireland. It’s really bothering me. I’ll wait a bit and reach out again to ask. If he won’t respond I guess I’ll have to let that go too and bring her in spirit. Wait and see, i guess.

    Kim is so much with me these days, and I honestly feel her presence so much through Nim, who is turning out to be a freaking wondermare. A couple of days ago, i took her cattle sorting!! Today, we have our first dressage lesson — I’ll definitely be calling on Kim to whisper in Nim’s ear .

    Thanks all for still being here and still remembering.

    Love to all,

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  • skydy
    Originally posted by scierra View Post
    Fargaloo, did Todd have the memorial service this weekend? If so, I hope you were able to attend. You’ve mentioned your Mom’s health before and I hope she’s at least comfortable. I know that’s an odd statement, but when I was my mom’s caregiver that’s all I could ask for.
    It isn't an odd statement at all. There are many of us that understand exactly what you are saying.

    Fargaloo, you have been bearing the burden for a long time here. Thanks for hanging in.

    If "what's his name" hasn't kept you, and us, in the the loop, then whatever.... We weren't expecting much from you Mister whatever-your-name-is.

    Since you lived next door and we didn't, it was obvious that you couldn't be bothered .Whatever your relationship to any other human being, I hope you will buck up next time your fellow human is in dire straits and give a hand.

    We couldn't check on her in person, but we gave her the attention that we could, at all hours,and we acknowledged her suffering and her death. It was not a burden.

    Hang in there Fargaloo..You are a sweetie.
    Last edited by skydy; Jul. 19, 2019, 03:07 AM.

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  • skydy
    replied I am thinking of you Kim. Everyone who was here during your extremis and is aware of your death knows that you are gone. But you rocked it Kim, and you are not forgotten.

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