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Please help me with my Race Horse Poem

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  • Please help me with my Race Horse Poem

    hello,
    I had to write an ode for my writing class, I was wondering if you guys could read it and give me some comments and feedback.
    Thank you very much.
    its about the triple crown, here it is:

    Crowned with Glory
    You’ve come a long way,
    You’ve beat the best!
    You raced for the roses, and won them so red!
    You flew down Pimlico Course,
    ahead of the rest!
    Now you are here-
    The graveyard of speed,
    the ultimate test.

    Running and running,
    Fast as the wind

    Your heart beats like a drum,
    it becomes the heartbeat of the world.
    All hearts beating with yours,
    they are beating as one!

    Your hoofs pound around the bend,
    let them carry you home!

    Your heart is ready to break,
    And it might just burst!

    You fight and fight,
    Nose by nose,
    Length by length.
    Finally you draw ahead!

    Your hope, your pride, your fire and power
    Combine to give you wings,
    Down the homestretch you fly like a burning angel.

    Sweat glistens on your coat as you
    Starr in the Sport of Kings.

    Every one, every thing is silent
    No noise pierces the summer air.

    You are arriving at the wire,
    the gates of Victory are open before you,
    And with another beat of your heart,
    With another pound of your hoofs,


    You are the Victor.
    You have won!
    All the strenuous work,
    All the pain and
    All the grueling endeavor
    It has All paid off

    You have achieved
    What thousands have worked for,
    And less than a dozen achieved,

    You have won the
    Triple Crown

  • #2
    I am not familiar with the stylings of "Odes" but shouldn't it have a consistant rhythm? I am ot speaking of rhyming.. that's a whole different thing.. but rather the cadence when it is read..
    just wondering

    and since you mentioned the roses fromt he first race.. what about the black eyed susans and whatever for the other race ?
    and other ways to balance out the 3 races that make the triple crown ?
    "The Desire to Win is worthless without the Desire to Prepare"

    It's a "KILT". If I wore something underneath, it would be a "SKIRT".

    Comment


    • #3
      I'll point out spelling errors! Hoofs should be hooves, and star is spelled with one r. Kudos for writing that, and here's hoping for an A for you!

      Comment

      • Original Poster

        #4
        Originally posted by Lostboy View Post
        I am not familiar with the stylings of "Odes" but shouldn't it have a consistant rhythm? I am ot speaking of rhyming.. that's a whole different thing.. but rather the cadence when it is read..
        just wondering

        and since you mentioned the roses fromt he first race.. what about the black eyed susans and whatever for the other race ?
        and other ways to balance out the 3 races that make the triple crown ?
        thank you very much, this is exactly what i am looking for. do you happen to know any of the other "names" for the races or the tripple crown itself?

        and no it does not need to rhyme or have a rhythim.
        thankyou,
        Astrid v. R.

        Comment

        • Original Poster

          #5
          Originally posted by Acertainsmile View Post
          I'll point out spelling errors! Hoofs should be hooves, and star is spelled with one r. Kudos for writing that, and here's hoping for an A for you!
          Thank you, I really do need help with my spelling. English is not my first language, so I am still struggling with writing it.

          Comment


          • #6
            And "whatever?" They're white carnations.

            If you're going to do free verse, do free verse. Lose stuff like weak rhymes (best/test several lines apart) and do not use a very loose rhyme scheme unless you're really, really good with it. (The poem's...not.) There are rhyme schemes that don't require things like abab or aa bb verse. Like sestinas (but those are very hard unless you're using a language like Italian that has a LOT more rhymes than English.)

            Honestly, reading it knowing English isn't your first language--that's good, because otherwise I'd assume you're in middle school and haven't written anything before. (Are you?) Bluntly, it's not great. It's choppy. The analogies are either trite ("beats like a drum") or kind of weird ("like a burning angel"--say what?) In fact it's just kind of a sting of analogies that aren't very descriptive or compelling, and the "imagery", such as is, is very repetitive ("hoof" and "hoofs"). Also, it starts off sounding like a completely different poem than it sounds like at the end--did you start out meaning to rhyme ("roses so red" is construction begging for a rhyme) and change your mind?

            If you're going for minimalist, non-rhyming verse, I'd get something like Sylvia Plath's "Ariel" and read it to see how to do a lot with a little. It includes an example of a more nontraditional rhyme scheme as well, "Daddy." (Warning: Distrubing subject matter and Nazi imagery included.) William Carlos Williams is a good one for the far end of minimalism ("So much depends/upon a red wheelbarrow".)
            Author Page
            Like Omens In the Night on Facebook
            Steampunk Sweethearts

            Comment


            • #7
              I am a firm believer that one's poem is one's poem regardless of how much merit it does or doesn't have in the eyes of others. So, I've taken the liberty of copying your poem here, and begun making a few adjustments that you are free to consider, accept or discard. Perhaps others will pick up the lead here and help along the way as well.

              Crowned with Glory

              You’ve come a long way,
              You’ve beaten the best!
              You raced for the roses,
              And won them so red!
              You flew down Pimlico
              Ahead of the rest
              Now you are here-
              The graveyard of speed...
              The ultimate test.

              Running, running
              Fast as the wind
              Your heart beats quickly
              Our hearts beat as one
              The heartbeat of the world!

              Hooves pounding dirt
              Pounding around the bend
              Let them carry you home!
              Your heart is ready to break
              And it might just burst!

              You fight and fight
              Nose by nose
              Length by length
              Finally you draw ahead!
              Hope, pride, fire and power
              Combine to give you wings
              Down the homestretch you
              Fly like a burning angel
              Sweat glistens on your coat as you
              Star in the Sport of Kings.

              Silence and hope hang in the air

              The Gates of Victory open before you
              With another beat of your heart
              With another pound of your hooves
              You are the Victor.
              You have won!

              All the strenuous work
              All the pain
              All the grueling endeavor
              It has All paid off
              You have earned
              What thousands have worked for
              Yet few have achieved

              You have won the Triple Crown!
              Fanfara

              Okay, now it's yours again to revise, destroy, shred or enjoy.
              Hope there is something in here that will help you with your assignment.
              Good luck!
              Last edited by Chief2; Mar. 13, 2011, 10:06 AM.
              "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." Albert Einstein

              http://s1098.photobucket.com/albums/...2011%20Photos/

              Comment


              • #8
                Kudos to you for posting your work here. I like Chief2's revision!

                Comment


                • #9
                  You’ve come a long way,
                  with gut's for this glory!
                  You raced for the roses,
                  And won them so red!

                  You flew down Pimlico strecth
                  Ahead of the rest
                  Now you are here-
                  At the graveyard of speed...
                  The ultimate test.

                  Running, running
                  Fast as the wind

                  Your heart beats so quickly
                  Almost together the sound
                  Feels like the heartbeat of the world in your chest!

                  Hooves pounding dirt
                  around the bend the dust fly's
                  Let them carry you home!

                  Your heart is bursting!

                  You fight and fight
                  Nose by nose
                  Length by length
                  Finally you draw ahead!
                  Hope, pride, fire and power
                  Combine to give you wings
                  Down the homestretch you
                  come like a burning angel
                  Sweat glistens on your coat as you are the
                  Star in the Sport of Kings.

                  Silence and hope hang in the air

                  The Gates of Victory open before you
                  With another beat of your heart
                  With another pound of your hooves
                  You are the Victor.
                  You have won!

                  All the strenuous work
                  All the pain
                  All the grueling endeavor
                  It has All paid off
                  You have earned
                  What thousands have worked for
                  Yet few have achieved!

                  The Triple Crown you have succeed!

                  Anyway, I hope you get an A!
                  I wonder what our horses would post about?!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Ah! I was hoping someone else would dive in here! Nice work with the lines.
                    One small thought: line 16, "fly's" should be "flies"?
                    I hope the OP has as much fun with this as I did this morning. I sat here with my morning cup of tea and played with the words. Lots of fun! Fanfara, thanks for giving us something fun to do today!
                    "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits." Albert Einstein

                    http://s1098.photobucket.com/albums/...2011%20Photos/

                    Comment

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