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Rant..Cause I am curious Update on the big conversation

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  • These quotes are exactly what I would have said.

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>I think it clear that this guy may not be very committed, but neither is the OP. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>One word of warning, if a guy can't say he loves you after a year and half, there isn't much likelihood he is going to say it. And less likelihood he'll say "I do" or make any real commitment. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
    You have got to be kidding me? I find it really hard to believe you are in your late 20s, have lived with men in the past, and you are considering for one single moment moving in with a man who 1. admits he's not in love with you 2. cares more about his life/family/friends/rock crawlers than you (IMOP this is not a BAD thing, it's just the way it is) and 3. You still dream of a future with....

    I have to say this sounds like one of the most dysfunctional relationships I have heard of in a long time. IMOP you need a dose of Dr Phil telling you to wake up and get real! <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>If it took you living with a FEW BFs (by the age of 24 ) to realize they weren't for you, you missed the signs beforehand.

    Quit moving in with people and get your degree...problems solved.

    Comment


    • Why buy a cow when you can get the milk free?

      Comment


      • well, I'm not even going to TOUCH the quality of the relationship itself, but I personally would feel very uncomfortable moving into someone's house without paying my share of the expenses, regardless of how much the house's owner makes and how little I made. In fact, I'm in a similar situation-- I live in a house my SO owns. We agreed to split the living expenses 50:50. Plus I pay a small "nominal" rent fee just to make me feel better; I actually insisted upon it, it was not requested by or even thought of by my SO. You'll never go wrong in this world paying your own way. Adults should not be dependents.
        As to being "expected" to clean-- just don't do it. Ever. Never ever fall into the trap of cleaning up after your SO. Clean your own stuff, clean for our own satisfaction, but don't be your SO's mommy. Hire a maid. Sounds like he can afford it.

        Comment


        • sagebrush - no energy to read it all. I have a good deal with my SO. I've lived for free for a 18 months. We joke that my "rent" is the nightly back/head/neck rubs he gets.

          I'm trying to get out of debt so I can get some money away to get back in the horses. BUT he travels for weeks at a time and I finally told him i wanted to contribute something with winter utilities and the fact that he's never here. I am now paying them every other month.

          Comment


          • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Coreene:
            Why buy a cow when you can get the milk free? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

            Well I can't speak for others, but when THIS cow gets pi$$ed, it takes the milk back to it's own barn!

            Sagebrush--good for you for having that chat. Hopefully that helped you evaluate where your relationship stands & may be going. And like you said, you still have time to decide.
            "I'm not crazy...my mother had me tested"

            Comment


            • Giddy-up---that's great!!!
              Amwrider: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest their genitalia and may their arms be too short to scratch.

              Comment


              • Agreed nhwr. I have my own townhome, but sometimes stay at the BF's house (and vice versa) so I don't have to deal with "my house, my rules" crapola that sagebrush is looking at.
                "I'm not crazy...my mother had me tested"

                Comment


                • "except if he owns the barn "

                  Sorry above was accidently deleted.

                  I would never move in with someone who couldn't say they loved me.

                  Look, guys feel about sex like we do about horses. You have chance to ride an OK horse. Maybe it isn't the horse of your dreams, but are you going to turn it down? No, it is better than not "riding". Now you have been riding this horse for awhile and are having a good time, the owner wants you to start paying for shoes. Not an unreasonable price to pay to keep riding the horse. sagebrush's BF just agreed to to pay for the shoes. And you may like the horse a lot, but you still don't want to buy it. It makes him a guy, not a bad, selfish guy, a regular guy.
                  See those flying monkeys? They work for me.

                  Comment


                  • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nhwr:

                    I would never move in with someone who could say they loved me.

                    Look, guys feel about sex like we do about horses. You have chance to ride an OK horse. Maybe it isn't the horse of your dreams, but are you going to turn it down? No, it is better than not "riding". Now you have been riding this horse for awhile and are having a good time, the owner wants you to start paying for shoes. Not an unreasonable price to pay to keep riding the horse. And you may like the horse a lot, but you still don't want to buy it. sagebrush's BF just agreed to to pay for the shoes. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                    Wow...powerful analogy and well put

                    Ok...sagebrush...this is the plan.....let him pay for your shoes, and then go ask out the farrier!

                    Comment


                    • OKAY
                      i'm going to chime in.

                      His actions are foreshadowing the rest of your relationship. He is selfish. that is his personality, and it will not change in the long-run. maybe for a couple months, he'll take interest. but i will GUARANTEE it will wear off.

                      in a way, i think you have answered your own question. moving in with someone should be a type of trial marriage thing- to decided if he really is right for you. is this what you'll be doing while living with him? because he hasn't even said "i love you"- in 18 months- that is not a good sign. he is not emotionally giving. correct? you have listed your differences, and frankly- your desires clash and it is obvious he isn't going to compromise.

                      subjectively, yeah- you love him. you want to be with him. of course you do, you care about him and like spending time with him. but objectively, when you stand back and really look at the situation, it will not work out in the long run the way it should. you deserve the life you want!!! and with him, it isn't going to be. you won't have a farm.

                      example, the horse thing. that shows his short term selflessness. he acted in a way that a boyfriend should, compromising and helping, but quickly regressed back to his selfishness. withouth giving it a second thought. that is NOT the kind of person you want to be with, especially since he knows its financially difficult to own a horse. and he left you alone to deal with something you were supposed to do together.

                      would you spend your life with him? my advice is no (and i think you feel the same way deep inside). you should not have to question moving in with someone you've been with a year and a half!!! it should be obvious that its right.

                      the devils advocate arguement has no weight, because this comes down to love- not whats "equal". it is give and take!!!

                      all i can say is get out of the relationship because you will only become more and more unhappy. it will only escalate- he is selfish. and he'll be able to find someone who is okay with that- someday- but you ARE NOT that person.

                      Comment


                      • Wow, coming into this late, but just wanted to comment about the fact that he has nothing in common with what you do. Neither did my husband when we first started dating and with the exception that I love horses and ride, he still doesn't, but because he loves me, he first learned about eventing and now has learned about dressage. I KNOW I'm incredibly lucky. When it came to it, he decided to not be a "city" lawyer, but instead practice in a small town so we could have a farm and my horses. I cannot tell you how many lessons, shows and clinics he has gone to and video taped and except for the fact that he loves me, he would have no reason to do it. I'm the same way for him because his interest is music and travel (okay, I do love to travel, but it's hard to leave the horses), but my point is that I didn't have to ask. You didn't have to be asked to give, you just did. I hope that he will change, but also tend to think that past behavior is a predictor of the future.

                        Comment


                        • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by nhwr:
                          I would never move in with someone who could say they loved me.

                          Look, guys feel about sex like we do about horses. You have chance to ride an OK horse. Maybe it isn't the horse of your dreams, but are you going to turn it down? No, it is better than not "riding". Now you have been riding this horse for awhile and are having a good time, the owner wants you to start paying for shoes. Not an unreasonable price to pay to keep riding the horse. And you may like the horse a lot, but you still don't want to buy it. sagebrush's BF just agreed to to pay for the shoes. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                          I totally agree. Personally, in order to move in with a man, I'd need "love" mentioned a lot. I would also expect him to pay the expenses if he could afford it. If he was paying rent, bills, etc. before he asked me to move in, he can keep on paying them once I do. I understand contributing to things like groceries that depend on the number of people living in a household. Me living with him should only increase his pleasure, therefore, I would expect him to WANT to support me. If we were in the same financial situation, I would offer to pay rent, bills, etc. IF he wasn't used to paying for those things himself. Giving money to a SO who asked me to move in with him would seem a lot less like love, and a lot more like a business deal! JMHO!
                          In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. -Robert Frost

                          Comment


                          • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by PMJ:
                            I hope that he will change, but also tend to think that past behavior is a predictor of the future. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                            exactly. PMJ- you have a great relationship because he gives. and i agree with you that differences will sort themselves out when you truly love eachother
                            but it doesn't sound like this guy will, does it? such a shame for sagebrush. its hard to leave someone you care about, even if he isn't "the one"

                            Comment


                            • I am so confused as to why the BF should be considered 'selfish.'
                              The OP is in school and has a horse--her choices in how she spends her $$.
                              The BF works hard for his $$ (presumably) and should spend it as he pleases.
                              He's the selfish one because he would rather spend his money on things he enjoys rather than giving it to his girlfriend to buy things she enjoys? I don't get it.
                              Amwrider: May the fleas of a thousand camels infest their genitalia and may their arms be too short to scratch.

                              Comment


                              • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jump for Joy!:
                                - he is selfish. and he'll be able to find someone who is okay with that- someday- but you ARE NOT that person. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                I agree with a lot of what is being said, except this. We don't know iof he's selfish, it's just not fair to jump to this conclusion given the evidence. He sounds generous to me, he's been generous with his family (whether they were supposed to pay him back or not, whether they used him or not), he's been generous with the OP, he bought her a horse, he's offerering her a place to live for free or almost free, even though he says he doesn't love her and makes no gaurentees. He has his life and he is probably where he wants to be and he's letting her in as much as he wants her in. I don't think that's neccessarily selfish. We have to own our own feelings and selves and no one else.

                                I know lots of guys like this. Once they find the right person, that person who is compatible with them, maybe is into rock crawlers or that scene or whatever, they are a different person. I just don't agree with bashing this guy, he sounds pretty upfront and honest to me. It OUR responsibility to LISTEN.
                                On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog

                                Comment


                                • I think a lot of you all don't really understand about money. Her paying rent would be her best defense against being exploited. Not because the guy wants the money but because he would know she can pay her own way. She'd know it too. And that subtly casts the relationship in a whole different light. Moving in, under the circumstances she described, is an admission that it is OK if he doesn't love her because she needs him financially. He gets to ride, she gets the shoes paid for
                                  See those flying monkeys? They work for me.

                                  Comment


                                  • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Porcelain Pony:
                                    He sounds generous to me, he's been generous with his family (whether they were supposed to pay him back or not, whether they used him or not), he's been generous with the OP, he bought her a horse, he's offerering her a place to live for free or almost free, even though he says he doesn't love her and makes no gaurentees. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                    he didn't offer it free at first, he wanted her to pay rent, and then talked about all the extra money he'd have and what he'll do with it (as in what new toys he'll get).

                                    if he can give away money to his family (who doesn't appreciate it), why shouldn't he give money to her as well (in the form of free rent).
                                    he offered her free rent IF she is his maid. hmmm... doesn't sound very generous. especially since a maid costs more than she would be paying in rent.

                                    it has been my experience that people who are truly selfish are the ones who are selfish towards the one they love (or are closest too). you act like the person you truly are around your SO, because you feel comfortable around them. you're not impressing them any longer, there's no need (like when he offered to SPLIT buying the horse with her- it wasn't free). HE DID NOT 'buy her' the horse. it was a split investment that he backed out on and left her to deal with.

                                    if that isn't selfish and self-centered, i don't know what is.

                                    and honest? maybe. but she sat down and talked to him. he never initiated any kind of conversation about his goals and wants.

                                    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> I know lots of guys like this. Once they find the right person, that person who is compatible with them, maybe is into rock crawlers or that scene or whatever, they are a different person. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                    so that also means that she isnt the right person then? so you agree she should end the relationship?

                                    Comment


                                    • if he can give away money to his family (who doesn't appreciate it), why shouldn't he give money to her as well (in the form of free rent).

                                      <span class="ev_code_RED">Because it is his money. He gets to decide what he does with it </span>

                                      he offered her free rent IF she is his maid. hmmm... doesn't sound very generous. especially since a maid costs more than she would be paying in rent.


                                      <span class="ev_code_RED">no, that was the deal she negotiated. OP said several times he doesn't really care about housework.</span>


                                      it has been my experience that people who are truly selfish are the ones who are selfish towards the one they love (or are closest too). you act like the person you truly are around your SO, because you feel comfortable around them. you're not impressing them any longer, there's no need

                                      <span class="ev_code_RED">This is why how he treats his family is important. He has known them longer and certainly has less need to impress them.</span>


                                      (like when he offered to SPLIT buying the horse with her- it wasn't free). HE DID NOT 'buy her' the horse. it was a split investment that he backed out on and left her to deal with.

                                      <span class="ev_code_RED">we don't know the circumstances here. At one point, OP said he "offered to by her a horse" and did "front her" the money. Then said he did not want to pay the expenses. Then OP said it was supposed to be 50-50. But she still felt entitled to get the horse anyway, even though she can't really afford to.</span>

                                      if that isn't selfish and self-centered, i don't know what is.

                                      and honest? maybe. but she sat down and talked to him. he never initiated any kind of conversation about his goals and wants.

                                      <span class="ev_code_RED">Look at the world realistically. It would be nice if guys would initiate this kind of discussion. But most of them don't. Besides he is persuing his goals and wants and did offer to include her in them.</span>
                                      See those flying monkeys? They work for me.

                                      Comment


                                      • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jump for Joy!:
                                        <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR> I know lots of guys like this. Once they find the right person, that person who is compatible with them, maybe is into rock crawlers or that scene or whatever, they are a different person. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                        so that also means that she isnt the right person then? so you agree she should end the relationship? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                        Yes, I do not think she is the right person, I think she is Ms Right Now. He is going to get what he can get from the relationship. He isn't in love with her. Why let her move in? Well, so it makes his life easier IMOP, he has someone to (maybe) help with the bills, someone to help around the house, and someone to keep him warm at night. I think this is obvious, and it doesn't sound like he's hiding anything. I guess I don't see this as selfish, because he isn't in love with her and I think in a man's mind he is just viewing this all as a relationship of convienience. The OP is the one deluding herself. I don't think it's selfish to put your wants/needs/desires first you are single and havn't made any sort of commitment.

                                        I think if she was the right person, none of these issues would even come up. And this goes both ways actually.
                                        On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog

                                        Comment


                                        • agreed

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