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Parelli? We don't need no stinking Parelli!!

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  • Parelli? We don't need no stinking Parelli!!

    Hackenbush Announces A Revolutionary Breakthrough In Natural Horse Training

    Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush, Intergalactic expert on the care and training of steeplechase horses, makes this incredible offer to you, the Internet Public: How would you like to be able to change the intelligence level, the personality, and the training level of your horse in just a matter of minutes? No more long hours in the saddle, no more humiliation from instructors with thick accents, no more travel to far flung venues to see commercialism in the round pen. Now, in the comfort of your own barn, you can make your horse be what you want it to be!

    Sound too good to be true? Well, it’s not! Dr. Hackenbush, drawing on the work of noted, hyphenated trainers, has made an INCREDIBLE breakthrough. Not only can you now determine the intelligence, personality, training level and all other important information in equines by examining the cowlicks and whorls in the horse’s hair, YOU CAN CHANGE THEM!

    Skeptical? Sure you are! But let Dr. Hackenbush show you how, using his miracle HORSE PERSONALITY STYLING GEL, you can have the horse you have always wanted in less time than it takes Monty or John or Pat or Buck to tell you of their sordid lives.

    How does it work? Dr. Hackenbush, using his vast knowledge of chemistry, horse behavior, and cigars, has learned that cowlicks and whorls are not just outwards signs of intelligence, personality, and training level but are THE CONTROLS OF THESE HORSE TRAITS! His book and video clearly explains the meanings of these whorls and cowlicks. He then shows how application of his miracle GEL permits you, the average horse owner, to change the patterns of these cowlicks and whorls and, thus, change the characteristics that these hair patterns control!

    Let Dr. Hackenbush send you his video, book and a one month supply of his wonderful HORSE PERSONALITY STYLING GEL.

    Now, how much would you pay for this? BUT DON’T ANSWER YET! If you order within the next 30 minutes (because we can’t do this all day) Dr. Hackenbush will include, at no additional cost, his blockbuster video "Either He’s Dead or My Watch Has Stopped." Learn from Dr. Hackenbush the secrets of making your horse run faster, jump higher, dive deeper, and come up drier than you could have ever imagined!

    And ALL of this can be yours for just 100 payments of $9.99, billed to your credit card.

    This offer is for a limited time only. And Dr. Hackenbush offers you this 100% money back guarantee: If he is not completely satisfied with your credit card number, he will refund as much money as he has not spent!

    How can you loose! Order now. Call 1-800-WHYADUCK. Operators are standing by to take your order. Don’t miss this INCREDIBLE opportunity to make your horse be all you want it to be!
    Mangalarga Marchador: Uma Raça, Uma Paixão

  • #2
    You are channeling George Carlin, seriously! Have you thought about putting together a stand-up routine??

    Seriously, I was laughing so hard that DH had to come in and see what was going on. He thought I'd been drinking...


    • #3
      ::gigglesnort:: I'll totally buy it.


      • #4
        Is there a special section for those of us who are dyslexic? I'd hate to think I was fixing a whorl, change it to the wrong direction, and end up with spawn of satan...
        a 501(c)3 organization helping 501(c)3 equine rescues


        • #5
          Originally posted by DressageGeek "Ribbon Ho" View Post
          Is there a special section for those of us who are dyslexic? I'd hate to think I was fixing a whorl, change it to the wrong direction, and end up with spawn of satan...

          Oh, my, what a though!

          You may want to inform Linda Tellington-Jones about this important cowlick breakthrough.
          She is the one that did the initial research on cowlicks and published that in her training books, on the horse personality chapters, oh, some 30 years ago.
          I still have those books around, let me check and get back at you with her address.


          • #6
            OP MUST..INSERT.. KEYBOARD.. WARNING... mine is now covered in coffee
            the NOT!! Spoiled!! Arabian Protectavest poster pony lives on in my heart


            • #7
              Guilherme is a master of composition!

              Wow! Wateryglen bows low in total admiration of Guilhermes writing skills! We are not worthy! Wunnerful! Hilarious and......quite frankly....I've always used Dippity Do to re-whorl my horses. It's cheaper and really works!! Good for mares with 'tude'!!

              Clearly we are all suffering from the winter doldrums and are in need of stimulation! Hey....this works!!


              • #8
                Okay, I don't usually laugh out loud, but the watch thing got me going.
                That's hysterical.


                • Original Poster

                  Thanks for the kind words!

                  For those of you who are not dedicated Marxists, you must go and rent A Day At The Races. It is one of the funniest movies ever made. Then, after you've been hooked, you can start working your way through the Brother's offerings over the years.

                  And, of course, you might also want to bring home the classic Treasure of the Sierra Madre.

                  Mangalarga Marchador: Uma Raça, Uma Paixão


                  • #10
                    Classics, both of them!

                    Great writing, Guilherme! Add a quart of Tootsie-Frootsie Ice Cream for orders placed within the next fifteen minutes!


                    • #11
                      You are definitely odd, Guilherme. Since when does putting a "Dr." in front of your name make anybody an expert?? I'll bet there will be a CD out soon by PP with this shocking new science. Smiley face put in so no misunderstanding on the internet translation.
                      Proud member of People Who Hate to Kill Wildlife clique


                      • #12
                        Getta-your toosie-frootsie ice cream...and Dr. Hackenabush's tootsie-frootsie gel...

                        (If this makes no sense rent "A Day at the Races.")
                        Author Page
                        Like Omens In the Night on Facebook
                        Steampunk Sweethearts


                        • #13
                          Love it!


                          "Why you needa ford when you gotta horse?"
                          Let us eat, drink, and be merry. For tomorrow we die.


                          • #14

                            Dear Learned Doctor Quackenbush - er, Hackenbush -

                            My pony has grown wings and a pointy horn in the middle of its forehead. What does that mean?


                            An Admirer
                            I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. ~ Dave Barry


                            • Original Poster

                              Dear Honorable Admirer?

                              I would be happy to send you my next upcoming work Veterinary Information For People Who Probably Shouldn't Have It (And Wouldn't Know What To Do With It, Anyway). Just send me your credit card number (on the one with the big limit) and I'll ensure that you receive an autographed copy just as soon as I can con...er, I mean...engage a publisher.

                              Believe me, the wait will be worthwhile (at least for me).


                              Hugo Z. Hackenbush, D.V.M, Ph.D., A.B., P.D.Q., A.S.A.P.; Fellow, Royal and Worshipful Company of Men Who Have Sworn to Never Wear Rose Colored Glasses or Pink Shirts
                              Mangalarga Marchador: Uma Raça, Uma Paixão


                              • #16
                                Dang, I might two.
                                Free bar.ka and tidy rabbit.