• Welcome to the Chronicle Forums.
    Please complete your profile. The forums and the rest of www.chronofhorse.com has single sign-in, so your log in information for one will automatically work for the other. Disclaimer: The opinions expressed here are the views of the individual and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Chronicle of the Horse.

Announcement

Collapse

Forum rules and no-advertising policy

As a participant on this forum, it is your responsibility to know and follow our rules. Please read this message in its entirety.

Board Rules

1. You’re responsible for what you say.
As outlined in Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, The Chronicle of the Horse and its affiliates, as well Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd., the developers of vBulletin, are not legally responsible for statements made in the forums.

This is a public forum viewed by a wide spectrum of people, so please be mindful of what you say and who might be reading it—details of personal disputes are likely better handled privately. While posters are legally responsible for their statements, the moderators may in their discretion remove or edit posts that violate these rules. Users have the ability to modify or delete their own messages after posting, but administrators generally will not delete posts, threads or accounts upon request.

Outright inflammatory, vulgar, harassing, malicious or otherwise inappropriate statements and criminal charges unsubstantiated by a reputable news source or legal documentation will not be tolerated and will be dealt with at the discretion of the moderators.

2. Conversations in horse-related forums should be horse-related.
The forums are a wonderful source of information and support for members of the horse community. While it’s understandably tempting to share information or search for input on other topics upon which members might have a similar level of knowledge, members must maintain the focus on horses.

3. Keep conversations productive, on topic and civil.
Discussion and disagreement are inevitable and encouraged; personal insults, diatribes and sniping comments are unproductive and unacceptable. Whether a subject is light-hearted or serious, keep posts focused on the current topic and of general interest to other participants of that thread. Utilize the private message feature or personal email where appropriate to address side topics or personal issues not related to the topic at large.

4. No advertising in the discussion forums.
Posts in the discussion forums directly or indirectly advertising horses, jobs, items or services for sale or wanted will be removed at the discretion of the moderators. Use of the private messaging feature or email addresses obtained through users’ profiles for unsolicited advertising is not permitted.

Company representatives may participate in discussions and answer questions about their products or services, or suggest their products on recent threads if they fulfill the criteria of a query. False "testimonials" provided by company affiliates posing as general consumers are not appropriate, and self-promotion of sales, ad campaigns, etc. through the discussion forums is not allowed.

Paid advertising is available on our classifieds site and through the purchase of banner ads. The tightly monitored Giveaways forum permits free listings of genuinely free horses and items available or wanted (on a limited basis). Items offered for trade are not allowed.

Advertising Policy Specifics
When in doubt of whether something you want to post constitutes advertising, please contact a moderator privately in advance for further clarification. Refer to the following points for general guidelines:

Horses – Only general discussion about the buying, leasing, selling and pricing of horses is permitted. If the post contains, or links to, the type of specific information typically found in a sales or wanted ad, and it’s related to a horse for sale, regardless of who’s selling it, it doesn’t belong in the discussion forums.

Stallions – Board members may ask for suggestions on breeding stallion recommendations. Stallion owners may reply to such queries by suggesting their own stallions, only if their horse fits the specific criteria of the original poster. Excessive promotion of a stallion by its owner or related parties is not permitted and will be addressed at the discretion of the moderators.

Services – Members may use the forums to ask for general recommendations of trainers, barns, shippers, farriers, etc., and other members may answer those requests by suggesting themselves or their company, if their services fulfill the specific criteria of the original post. Members may not solicit other members for business if it is not in response to a direct, genuine query.

Products – While members may ask for general opinions and suggestions on equipment, trailers, trucks, etc., they may not list the specific attributes for which they are in the market, as such posts serve as wanted ads.

Event Announcements – Members may post one notification of an upcoming event that may be of interest to fellow members, if the original poster does not benefit financially from the event. Such threads may not be “bumped” excessively. Premium members may post their own notices in the Event Announcements forum.

Charities/Rescues – Announcements for charitable or fundraising events can only be made for 501(c)(3) tax-exempt organizations. Special exceptions may be made, at the moderators’ discretion and direction, for board-related events or fundraising activities in extraordinary circumstances.

Occasional posts regarding horses available for adoption through IRS-registered horse rescue or placement programs are permitted in the appropriate forums, but these threads may be limited at the discretion of the moderators. Individuals may not advertise or make announcements for horses in need of rescue, placement or adoption unless the horse is available through a recognized rescue or placement agency or government-run entity or the thread fits the criteria for and is located in the Giveaways forum.

5. Do not post copyrighted photographs unless you have purchased that photo and have permission to do so.

6. Respect other members.
As members are often passionate about their beliefs and intentions can easily be misinterpreted in this type of environment, try to explore or resolve the inevitable disagreements that arise in the course of threads calmly and rationally.

If you see a post that you feel violates the rules of the board, please click the “alert” button (exclamation point inside of a triangle) in the bottom left corner of the post, which will alert ONLY the moderators to the post in question. They will then take whatever action, or no action, as deemed appropriate for the situation at their discretion. Do not air grievances regarding other posters or the moderators in the discussion forums.

Please be advised that adding another user to your “Ignore” list via your User Control Panel can be a useful tactic, which blocks posts and private messages by members whose commentary you’d rather avoid reading.

7. We have the right to reproduce statements made in the forums.
The Chronicle of the Horse may copy, quote, link to or otherwise reproduce posts, or portions of posts, in print or online for advertising or editorial purposes, if attributed to their original authors, and by posting in this forum, you hereby grant to The Chronicle of the Horse a perpetual, non-exclusive license under copyright and other rights, to do so.

8. We reserve the right to enforce and amend the rules.
The moderators may delete, edit, move or close any post or thread at any time, or refrain from doing any of the foregoing, in their discretion, and may suspend or revoke a user’s membership privileges at any time to maintain adherence to the rules and the general spirit of the forum. These rules may be amended at any time to address the current needs of the board.

Please see our full Terms of Service and Privacy Policy for more information.

Thanks for being a part of the COTH forums!

(Revised 1/26/16)
See more
See less

Parelli? We don't need no stinking Parelli!!

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Parelli? We don't need no stinking Parelli!!

    Hackenbush Announces A Revolutionary Breakthrough In Natural Horse Training

    Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush, Intergalactic expert on the care and training of steeplechase horses, makes this incredible offer to you, the Internet Public: How would you like to be able to change the intelligence level, the personality, and the training level of your horse in just a matter of minutes? No more long hours in the saddle, no more humiliation from instructors with thick accents, no more travel to far flung venues to see commercialism in the round pen. Now, in the comfort of your own barn, you can make your horse be what you want it to be!

    Sound too good to be true? Well, it’s not! Dr. Hackenbush, drawing on the work of noted, hyphenated trainers, has made an INCREDIBLE breakthrough. Not only can you now determine the intelligence, personality, training level and all other important information in equines by examining the cowlicks and whorls in the horse’s hair, YOU CAN CHANGE THEM!

    Skeptical? Sure you are! But let Dr. Hackenbush show you how, using his miracle HORSE PERSONALITY STYLING GEL, you can have the horse you have always wanted in less time than it takes Monty or John or Pat or Buck to tell you of their sordid lives.

    How does it work? Dr. Hackenbush, using his vast knowledge of chemistry, horse behavior, and cigars, has learned that cowlicks and whorls are not just outwards signs of intelligence, personality, and training level but are THE CONTROLS OF THESE HORSE TRAITS! His book and video clearly explains the meanings of these whorls and cowlicks. He then shows how application of his miracle GEL permits you, the average horse owner, to change the patterns of these cowlicks and whorls and, thus, change the characteristics that these hair patterns control!

    Let Dr. Hackenbush send you his video, book and a one month supply of his wonderful HORSE PERSONALITY STYLING GEL.

    Now, how much would you pay for this? BUT DON’T ANSWER YET! If you order within the next 30 minutes (because we can’t do this all day) Dr. Hackenbush will include, at no additional cost, his blockbuster video "Either He’s Dead or My Watch Has Stopped." Learn from Dr. Hackenbush the secrets of making your horse run faster, jump higher, dive deeper, and come up drier than you could have ever imagined!

    And ALL of this can be yours for just 100 payments of $9.99, billed to your credit card.

    This offer is for a limited time only. And Dr. Hackenbush offers you this 100% money back guarantee: If he is not completely satisfied with your credit card number, he will refund as much money as he has not spent!

    How can you loose! Order now. Call 1-800-WHYADUCK. Operators are standing by to take your order. Don’t miss this INCREDIBLE opportunity to make your horse be all you want it to be!
    Mangalarga Marchador: Uma Raça, Uma Paixão

  • #2
    You are channeling George Carlin, seriously! Have you thought about putting together a stand-up routine??

    Seriously, I was laughing so hard that DH had to come in and see what was going on. He thought I'd been drinking...
    Surgeon General warns: "drinking every time Trump lies during the debate could result in acute alcohol poisoning."

    Comment


    • #3
      ::gigglesnort:: I'll totally buy it.

      Comment


      • #4
        Is there a special section for those of us who are dyslexic? I'd hate to think I was fixing a whorl, change it to the wrong direction, and end up with spawn of satan...
        www.specialhorses.org
        a 501(c)3 organization helping 501(c)3 equine rescues

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by DressageGeek "Ribbon Ho" View Post
          Is there a special section for those of us who are dyslexic? I'd hate to think I was fixing a whorl, change it to the wrong direction, and end up with spawn of satan...

          Oh, my, what a though!

          You may want to inform Linda Tellington-Jones about this important cowlick breakthrough.
          She is the one that did the initial research on cowlicks and published that in her training books, on the horse personality chapters, oh, some 30 years ago.
          I still have those books around, let me check and get back at you with her address.

          Comment


          • #6
            OP MUST..INSERT.. KEYBOARD.. WARNING... mine is now covered in coffee
            the NOT!! Spoiled!! Arabian Protectavest poster pony lives on in my heart

            Comment


            • #7
              Guilherme is a master of composition!

              Wow! Wateryglen bows low in total admiration of Guilhermes writing skills! We are not worthy! Wunnerful! Hilarious and......quite frankly....I've always used Dippity Do to re-whorl my horses. It's cheaper and really works!! Good for mares with 'tude'!!

              Clearly we are all suffering from the winter doldrums and are in need of stimulation! Hey....this works!!

              Comment


              • #8
                Okay, I don't usually laugh out loud, but the watch thing got me going.
                That's hysterical.

                Comment

                • Original Poster

                  #9
                  Thanks for the kind words!

                  For those of you who are not dedicated Marxists, you must go and rent A Day At The Races. It is one of the funniest movies ever made. Then, after you've been hooked, you can start working your way through the Brother's offerings over the years.

                  And, of course, you might also want to bring home the classic Treasure of the Sierra Madre.

                  G.
                  Mangalarga Marchador: Uma Raça, Uma Paixão

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Classics, both of them!

                    Great writing, Guilherme! Add a quart of Tootsie-Frootsie Ice Cream for orders placed within the next fifteen minutes!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      You are definitely odd, Guilherme. Since when does putting a "Dr." in front of your name make anybody an expert?? I'll bet there will be a CD out soon by PP with this shocking new science. Smiley face put in so no misunderstanding on the internet translation.
                      Proud member of People Who Hate to Kill Wildlife clique

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Getta-your toosie-frootsie ice cream...and Dr. Hackenabush's tootsie-frootsie gel...

                        (If this makes no sense rent "A Day at the Races.")
                        Author Page
                        Like Omens In the Night on Facebook
                        Steampunk Sweethearts

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Love it!

                          "ZVBXRPL"

                          "Why you needa ford when you gotta horse?"
                          Let us eat, drink, and be merry. For tomorrow we die.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            *spew*

                            Dear Learned Doctor Quackenbush - er, Hackenbush -

                            My pony has grown wings and a pointy horn in the middle of its forehead. What does that mean?

                            Sincerely,

                            An Admirer
                            I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. ~ Dave Barry

                            Comment

                            • Original Poster

                              #15
                              Dear Honorable Admirer?

                              I would be happy to send you my next upcoming work Veterinary Information For People Who Probably Shouldn't Have It (And Wouldn't Know What To Do With It, Anyway). Just send me your credit card number (on the one with the big limit) and I'll ensure that you receive an autographed copy just as soon as I can con...er, I mean...engage a publisher.

                              Believe me, the wait will be worthwhile (at least for me).

                              Sincerely,

                              Hugo Z. Hackenbush, D.V.M, Ph.D., A.B., P.D.Q., A.S.A.P.; Fellow, Royal and Worshipful Company of Men Who Have Sworn to Never Wear Rose Colored Glasses or Pink Shirts
                              Mangalarga Marchador: Uma Raça, Uma Paixão

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                Dang, I might two.
                                Free bar.ka and tidy rabbit.

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X