• Welcome to the Chronicle Forums.
    Please complete your profile. The forums and the rest of www.chronofhorse.com has single sign-in, so your log in information for one will automatically work for the other. Disclaimer: The opinions expressed here are the views of the individual and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Chronicle of the Horse.

Announcement

Collapse

Forum rules and no-advertising policy

As a participant on this forum, it is your responsibility to know and follow our rules. Please read this message in its entirety.

Board Rules

1. You’re responsible for what you say.
As outlined in Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, The Chronicle of the Horse and its affiliates, as well Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd., the developers of vBulletin, are not legally responsible for statements made in the forums.

This is a public forum viewed by a wide spectrum of people, so please be mindful of what you say and who might be reading it—details of personal disputes are likely better handled privately. While posters are legally responsible for their statements, the moderators may in their discretion remove or edit posts that violate these rules. Users have the ability to modify or delete their own messages after posting, but administrators generally will not delete posts, threads or accounts upon request.

Outright inflammatory, vulgar, harassing, malicious or otherwise inappropriate statements and criminal charges unsubstantiated by a reputable news source or legal documentation will not be tolerated and will be dealt with at the discretion of the moderators.

2. Conversations in horse-related forums should be horse-related.
The forums are a wonderful source of information and support for members of the horse community. While it’s understandably tempting to share information or search for input on other topics upon which members might have a similar level of knowledge, members must maintain the focus on horses.

3. Keep conversations productive, on topic and civil.
Discussion and disagreement are inevitable and encouraged; personal insults, diatribes and sniping comments are unproductive and unacceptable. Whether a subject is light-hearted or serious, keep posts focused on the current topic and of general interest to other participants of that thread. Utilize the private message feature or personal email where appropriate to address side topics or personal issues not related to the topic at large.

4. No advertising in the discussion forums.
Posts in the discussion forums directly or indirectly advertising horses, jobs, items or services for sale or wanted will be removed at the discretion of the moderators. Use of the private messaging feature or email addresses obtained through users’ profiles for unsolicited advertising is not permitted.

Company representatives may participate in discussions and answer questions about their products or services, or suggest their products on recent threads if they fulfill the criteria of a query. False "testimonials" provided by company affiliates posing as general consumers are not appropriate, and self-promotion of sales, ad campaigns, etc. through the discussion forums is not allowed.

Paid advertising is available on our classifieds site and through the purchase of banner ads. The tightly monitored Giveaways forum permits free listings of genuinely free horses and items available or wanted (on a limited basis). Items offered for trade are not allowed.

Advertising Policy Specifics
When in doubt of whether something you want to post constitutes advertising, please contact a moderator privately in advance for further clarification. Refer to the following points for general guidelines:

Horses – Only general discussion about the buying, leasing, selling and pricing of horses is permitted. If the post contains, or links to, the type of specific information typically found in a sales or wanted ad, and it’s related to a horse for sale, regardless of who’s selling it, it doesn’t belong in the discussion forums.

Stallions – Board members may ask for suggestions on breeding stallion recommendations. Stallion owners may reply to such queries by suggesting their own stallions, only if their horse fits the specific criteria of the original poster. Excessive promotion of a stallion by its owner or related parties is not permitted and will be addressed at the discretion of the moderators.

Services – Members may use the forums to ask for general recommendations of trainers, barns, shippers, farriers, etc., and other members may answer those requests by suggesting themselves or their company, if their services fulfill the specific criteria of the original post. Members may not solicit other members for business if it is not in response to a direct, genuine query.

Products – While members may ask for general opinions and suggestions on equipment, trailers, trucks, etc., they may not list the specific attributes for which they are in the market, as such posts serve as wanted ads.

Event Announcements – Members may post one notification of an upcoming event that may be of interest to fellow members, if the original poster does not benefit financially from the event. Such threads may not be “bumped” excessively. Premium members may post their own notices in the Event Announcements forum.

Charities/Rescues – Announcements for charitable or fundraising events can only be made for 501(c)(3) tax-exempt organizations. Special exceptions may be made, at the moderators’ discretion and direction, for board-related events or fundraising activities in extraordinary circumstances.

Occasional posts regarding horses available for adoption through IRS-registered horse rescue or placement programs are permitted in the appropriate forums, but these threads may be limited at the discretion of the moderators. Individuals may not advertise or make announcements for horses in need of rescue, placement or adoption unless the horse is available through a recognized rescue or placement agency or government-run entity or the thread fits the criteria for and is located in the Giveaways forum.

5. Do not post copyrighted photographs unless you have purchased that photo and have permission to do so.

6. Respect other members.
As members are often passionate about their beliefs and intentions can easily be misinterpreted in this type of environment, try to explore or resolve the inevitable disagreements that arise in the course of threads calmly and rationally.

If you see a post that you feel violates the rules of the board, please click the “alert” button (exclamation point inside of a triangle) in the bottom left corner of the post, which will alert ONLY the moderators to the post in question. They will then take whatever action, or no action, as deemed appropriate for the situation at their discretion. Do not air grievances regarding other posters or the moderators in the discussion forums.

Please be advised that adding another user to your “Ignore” list via your User Control Panel can be a useful tactic, which blocks posts and private messages by members whose commentary you’d rather avoid reading.

7. We have the right to reproduce statements made in the forums.
The Chronicle of the Horse may copy, quote, link to or otherwise reproduce posts, or portions of posts, in print or online for advertising or editorial purposes, if attributed to their original authors, and by posting in this forum, you hereby grant to The Chronicle of the Horse a perpetual, non-exclusive license under copyright and other rights, to do so.

8. We reserve the right to enforce and amend the rules.
The moderators may delete, edit, move or close any post or thread at any time, or refrain from doing any of the foregoing, in their discretion, and may suspend or revoke a user’s membership privileges at any time to maintain adherence to the rules and the general spirit of the forum. These rules may be amended at any time to address the current needs of the board.

Please see our full Terms of Service and Privacy Policy for more information.

Thanks for being a part of the COTH forums!

(Revised 1/26/16)
See more
See less

Your advice...how to handle the non horsey inlaws/relatives and their negativity.

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Your advice...how to handle the non horsey inlaws/relatives and their negativity.

    I have a 10 year old daughter that shows the A shows and has been showing since she first could walk trot. She loves it. I love it. We do it together like a lot of mom daughter teams. She moved up this month from Children's Pony to Med. Ponies. Last year we showed about 12 shows. She got reserve champ for the year on our local circuit. Had a great time at the banquet. She also won some other things this year and had a great time. I do the grooming, packing, trailering, and even braid. We have a blast.

    Now the problem, my mother in law. She is not into horses at all and is very very negative about what we do. She does not tell me about it but goes to my husband who is also a non horse person and complains. She gets upset when she ask for my daughter to do something last minute and I tell her she has a lesson. She makes rude comments about how much she shows. Yesterday my husband said she started in about how I have been "dragging her all over the place since she was 7". She told him she "worries about her safety" and thinks it is rediculous and too expensive.

    I am so sick and tired of all the negativity. I hate to go for a visit because she brings it up and it is always tense. We have met some really outstanding people doing this and we have been to some great places. This year we probably enjoyed going to Lexington VA the most and we loved Aiken. How do you handle people like this and what do you say? To hear her you would think I was dragging my little kid around singing in dive bars. I try and just not talk about it but she sticks her nose in and brings it up and then goes behind my back to my husband. Any advice?
    http://showpony.wordpress.com

  • #2
    Has your husband told her that it's none of her business and that you are ALL having a great time spending quality family fun time together? If not HE needs to grow a set & tell mommie-dearest to back off!! If & when she starts into you, look her squarly & calmly in the face & recite "well bless your heart, now shut up" & walk away!
    Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

    Comment


    • #3
      Don't let your MIL influence reality for you. She's causing you to second guess yourself, simply don't let her! If I were in your situation I'd bring it out into the open and stand your ground, no explanation needed, just simply "this is what we do. I understand that you do not agree with it, but that does not change the reality that _daughter_ and I do it, and will continue to do it because we like it. Now if you would like to be an active part of her life, accept this fact and let it go." By not being assertive about this you are letting her be passive aggressive. Just because she's your MIL doesn't mean you have to put up with that garbage. Your husband doesnt have to be horsey or understand what you two do together to support you, so you should probably have a talk with him too. I wouldnt suggest the same level of stand uppedness of course, but perhaps remind him that he can think for himself.

      My SO's grandmother once told me i should "put off horses until you retire! you don't have time for that!" when she found out i ride 6 days a week! I said basically the same thing to her that i paraphrased for you. She dropped it and has since been pleasant.
      www.destinationconsensusequus.com
      chaque pas est fait ensemble

      Comment


      • #4
        I'd probably just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that. I'd repeat this same thing every time she mentions it. Not sure what her problem is, but I simply would not engage in any discussion on the topic. Your husband needs to deliver the same response and also needs to refuse to engage in the discussion. If either of you continues to discuss it with her, that just fans the flames.

        Are you sure your husband is on board with the show program? If he's not, he may actually be encouraging this type of negativity from your mother in law. It is very key that you and your husband are united on this front. However, if HE is unhappy about the situation, then you need to have a discussion with him and work it out to your mutual satisfaction before attempting to address the mother in law situation. Unlike your mother in law, your husband actually SHOULD have some input here.

        Good luck! Your daughter is very fortunate to have the opportunities you have provided for her.

        Comment


        • #5
          In addition to facing the issue straight on, maybe include MIL once in a while? Invite her to a show. She may not like horses, but maybe she'd like other aspects of showing (tailgating, booze, people?), or just cheering on her granddaughter. It may change her mind if she actually sees her GD competing and having a good time.

          Comment


          • #6
            This is not about the horses, believe me.

            Comment


            • #7
              Your MIL has no business telling your husband or you how to raise your child. Too bad that your husband is not standing up to his mother, but what can you do. That's a whole 'nother issue.

              I'd have a little 'sit-down' with your MIL, and tell her all the good stuff a child involved in horses reaps: A good work ethic, good exercise, team playing skills, goal setting and achievement skills, probably won't become a pregnant teenager, etc. Then tell her to mind her own business, and that she's doing your marriage a disservice by going behind your back to your husband. Case closed.

              Comment


              • #8
                I agree with those who say that your DH needs to be on the same page with you or it will be near impossible to address with your MIL.

                I would approach DH, perhaps after a successful show, and say something like, "You know, if only your mom could see how happy riding makes little Suzy, I bet she'd feel a lot better about the whole riding thing. I know your mom only wants the best for her and I am concerned that this could become a problem that impacts our relationship as a family... it's getting more and more tense each time we see each other. What do you think we could do to resolve it?"

                Then you really have to shut up and listen. Your DH's answer will tell you a lot about his feelings on the matter. If he says, "well, I can really see her point; it's time consuming/expensive/ dangerous etc... you will need to have a totally different conversation than if he says, "Yeah, you're right. Maybe we can invite her to come to the next awards banquet and be more involved."

                Good luck.
                **********
                We move pretty fast for some rabid garden snails.
                -PaulaEdwina

                Comment


                • #9
                  I see this as less of a non-horsey issue and more to do with a jealousy/control issue.

                  YOU are that child's mother, and you are spending quality time together in an atmosphere that builds confidence, sportsmanship and a good work ethic. Not to mention the mom/daughter bonding. It is no different than any other hobby a young girl would be interested in: dance, piano, cheerleading...but I guarantee the horse hobby is much better!

                  ETA: Hubby needs to grow a set and tell Mommy Dearest to back off or suck it up, smile and be supportive.
                  Crayola posse~ orange yellow, official pilot
                  Proud owner of "High Flight" & "Shorty"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    EXACTLY!

                    Originally posted by Go Fish View Post
                    This is not about the horses, believe me.
                    EXACTLY! This is about your MIL having and exerting the power to make you uncomfortable. Her own special little power trip. It doesn't even have to be because she doesn't like you or anything like that, but because she never got to do anything so cool herself in her life. She could just be taking it out on you to make up for her own disappointment of not getting ballet lessons or something. Or she could just be a b****. Could be she is just a sad, sad person.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      How aggravating for you.

                      It time for your husband to tell his mother that he doesn't want to hear it any more. Period.

                      When you are with her and she says something negative, ignore her and say nothing. Not a peep. Don't even roll your eyes or sigh. She'll push that same old button, but won't get her reward of know she's getting to you. Eventually she'll give up.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Go Fish View Post
                        This is not about the horses, believe me.
                        Ditto.
                        View my photographs at www.horsephotoguy.zenfolio.com

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I haven't read the other responses, so this has probably already been said, but this is not a horse problem. First off, it's a husband problem. Yes, we know your MIL is being evil and controlling and jealous, BUT your husband has not sound like he's done a single thing to make her stop. If my MIL complained to my husband about those things, DH would be on her in a heartbeat telling her (not sidestepping or asking) that it's not appropriate to talk about his wife and his and her parenting skills and decisions and that is final. It should stop there. If your husband is not standing up for you to his mother then you are fighting way too many battles. You are not doing anything wrong, your mother in law just wants to control the family and your husband (as her son) is your first line of defense.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            First off, how are you finding out that MIL is complaining to your husband? Is HE telling you this, or are you overhearing it from the other room? If HE's telling you this, you might not be getting the real story. If he has any resentment about the horsey stuff at all, he's apt to be letting that color his rendition.

                            Or it could be a back-and-forth thing where husband makes a casual observation about the amount of time/money it takes, which MIL interprets to be a complaint -- and because her baby has a "complaint", she has a complaint.

                            If she's the total instigator here, just shrug and tell her that raising kids takes a lot of time and money no matter how you do it, and this is the way you chose to do it and if she wants it done different, she has to have another kid of her own to do it to.

                            If hubby is at all less than 100% supporting the horse thing, you have a different problem...

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Lucassb View Post
                              I agree with those who say that your DH needs to be on the same page with you or it will be near impossible to address with your MIL.

                              I would approach DH, perhaps after a successful show, and say something like, "You know, if only your mom could see how happy riding makes little Suzy, I bet she'd feel a lot better about the whole riding thing. I know your mom only wants the best for her and I am concerned that this could become a problem that impacts our relationship as a family... it's getting more and more tense each time we see each other. What do you think we could do to resolve it?"

                              Then you really have to shut up and listen. Your DH's answer will tell you a lot about his feelings on the matter. If he says, "well, I can really see her point; it's time consuming/expensive/ dangerous etc... you will need to have a totally different conversation than if he says, "Yeah, you're right. Maybe we can invite her to come to the next awards banquet and be more involved."

                              Good luck.
                              I think this is excellent advice. Good luck

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                Originally posted by greysandbays View Post
                                First off, how are you finding out that MIL is complaining to your husband? Is HE telling you this, or are you overhearing it from the other room? If HE's telling you this, you might not be getting the real story. If he has any resentment about the horsey stuff at all, he's apt to be letting that color his rendition.

                                Or it could be a back-and-forth thing where husband makes a casual observation about the amount of time/money it takes, which MIL interprets to be a complaint -- and because her baby has a "complaint", she has a complaint.

                                If she's the total instigator here, just shrug and tell her that raising kids takes a lot of time and money no matter how you do it, and this is the way you chose to do it and if she wants it done different, she has to have another kid of her own to do it to.

                                If hubby is at all less than 100% supporting the horse thing, you have a different problem...
                                Holy crap, GAB! I agree with you.
                                What IS the world coming to?

                                Comment


                                • #17
                                  Originally posted by dizzywriter View Post
                                  Holy crap, GAB! I agree with you.
                                  What IS the world coming to?
                                  I was just thinking the same thing.

                                  Comment


                                  • #18
                                    Best thing to do with MILs is shoot em, and bury em in the back 40.... I have nothing constructive to say, other than I know the feeling. I pity my poor husband. His Mother is a NUT BAG.
                                    Last edited by Catersun; Jan. 14, 2010, 01:45 PM. Reason: grammar error
                                    If i'm posting on Coth, it's either raining so I can't ride or it's night time and I can't sleep.

                                    Comment


                                    • #19
                                      Just to play devil's advocate - you see mother's towing children to lessons and shows all the time, mothers who are living vicariously through their children. The children are not necessarily feeling the passion the parent does and often children will participate in something because it is expected of them or because they don't want to let a parent down who has high expectations.

                                      Coming to a horse board stacked with enablers is not really the place to get an unbiased opinion or advice. If your husband and MIL are working against you then maybe there is good reason for it. Maybe you are one of those parents.

                                      If you quietly stopped or backed way off on taking your daughter for lessons and to competitions, would she pitch a fit? Would she stop talking to you and go on a hunger strike? Would she accuse you of ruining her life by taking away the thing she is most passionate about? Or would she happily move onto the next activity or sport that might interest her? If you found an activity that was not horse related and that you could participate in together, would she also become interested in that because she is following your lead?

                                      I get the sense that there is more to this story. It would be interesting to hear what your husband or MIL have to say. Perhaps they have a valid set of concerns. Maybe you spend all your free cash and run up credit card bills creating a lack of security for the rest of your family. Maybe you are never available to your husband because showing and training take up all your time and he is expected to just pay up and shut up. Maybe he is unhappy with this arrangement and his mother is sympathetic because she feels her husband deserves better than to just be used as a cash machine. Maybe your daughter is pushed beyond her abilities because you are ambitious for her and your husband has a valid set of worries in that area.

                                      I'm not saying any of this is true in your case but anyone who has been involved in horses long enough has seen the scenario listed above and I'm sure no parent who is guilty ever sees themselves in this role.

                                      Just sayin'.

                                      Comment


                                      • #20
                                        Originally posted by Go Fish View Post
                                        This is not about the horses, believe me.
                                        Exactly. If it wasn't horses, it would be something else.

                                        You and your daughter are having a blast, that is the wonderful thing, and congrats to her for doing so well.
                                        www.specialhorses.org
                                        a 501(c)3 organization helping 501(c)3 equine rescues

                                        Comment

                                        Working...
                                        X