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Need some divorce advice. Thanks all. It's over. post #166.

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  • #61
    I'm sorry. But I'm glad you tried counseling - now at least you'll know you gave your best effort towards saving your marriage.

    Now - please tell me you have a lawyer. Not the same one he's using.
    I'm not ignoring the rules. I'm interpreting the rules. Tamal, The Great British Baking Show

    Comment


    • #62
      Roller Coaster

      Take a step back and look at the patterns of his behaviour that you've posted here.. For some reason he is mad at the world, and he's directing his rage at the nearest target, YOU. PLEASE keep telling yourself that his wanting to leave is NO reflection an your value as a human being. PLEASE.
      I've been there, done that, a few times, and can honestly say that everything that at the time I thought was the worst thing in the world to happen to me, put me on a path to something better . It might be a week, a month, or even a year, but trust me, it's true.
      Years after I left an ex in Michigan, after putting up with years of abuse, my son, at his Coast Guard graduation, as I was telling him how proud I was of him, told me that if I had not left that sleazebag, this would never have happened. Take the high road, because your kids are watching you and how you are handling this, no matter how you feel inside, assure them that they'll be fine . They need to hear that.
      Take the good times as the good times they were, PITY him for being the man is is now, and then after the papers are signed, forgive him, and FORGET him.
      Snowflakes become an avalanche.

      Comment

      • Original Poster

        #63
        You are very right, Stella. That's exactly what the psychologist said.

        Comment


        • #64
          Let him go NOW, before he starts shredding your self respect, and before he makes you doubt your value as a wife, mother, woman, you name it. It happens slowly, and when he's through with you, he'll start on your kids. Get out while there's enough strength and awareness to stand your ground.
          DO NOT fall for him during the remorse cycle, when they have the uncanny ability to tap into your vulnerability only to drag you down with them again.
          Remember, PITY, Forgiveness, and DISTANCE. I'll be thinking about you.
          Snowflakes become an avalanche.

          Comment


          • #65
            best advice I ever received

            Went through a terrible divorce eight years ago. Got some good advice from some very smart women:

            1. Keep all hair/skin appointments. Do NOT look like a pitiful hag. You do not want to invite pity, and it won't make people think,"gosh, he really must be terrible...look how he is making her look!"

            2. Make sure you get enough sleep. I know,easier said than done.

            3. Keep your sense of humor. Seems impossible, but does help.

            4. Never,ever,ever trash him in front of the kids, or in any manner use them as pawns. As Stellaspeed advised, take the high road, even if it means biting your tongue until it bleeds. It WILL pay off in the future when they are old enough to make some sort of sense of the whole thing.

            I'm so sorry you are going through this
            "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken."
            Oscar Wilde

            Comment


            • #66
              What both parents often forget is that when they're disparaging the ex, deep down inside the kids are asking themselves "if Dad/Mom is so bad, will I be like that ?" Don't ever forget that kids are entitled to have their own relationship with Dad/Mom seperate from what they were as husband or wife .
              You would be amazed at the tiny tidbits that they will remember 20 years from now..a smart remark, something you did or didn't do...what you do now is going to lay the foundation for how they react if it ever happens to them, so prepare them well. It will give them the strength to know that they will always come out fine on the other side of whatever tragedy befalls them.
              I lost horses,(gave them to friends) saddles, a lot of things. My ex has a Stubben Imperator of mine that my grandfather bought me as a teenager in Germany the year before he died . He swears he doesn't have it, I know he does, buried away somewhere. It's more important to him that I DON'T have it . Sad.
              My sons pitched in over Christmas and bought me a Stubben Columbo to replace it. I know grandpa would approve. Don't worry.
              Snowflakes become an avalanche.

              Comment


              • #67
                Divorce Stinks....

                No matter how it is worked out...even the so called "amicable" divorce leaves you feeling like a piece of s---. I was the one who left both times, I had valid abuse reasons, but still, when the dust settled I felt like s---. It just goes with the end of a marriage. One word of advice I would have you consider....as it will take time to process this aftermath, build yourself up by yourself, with counseling or groups....don't fall into the trap of finding yourself with a cheerleader to do it for you. Because if THAT turns into your next relationship, consider the premise....you will be heading for a repeat!! good luck, you are not alone.
                "Over the Hill?? What Hill, Where?? I don't remember any hill!!!" Favorite Tee Shirt

                Comment


                • #68
                  I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. I agree that the best thing you can do right now is find a really competent lawyer AND, if possible, make sure you have copies of ALL relevant documents - bank statements, credit card info, mortgage, car titles, etc. Put them somewhere safe, out of the house (your lawyer can keep copies for you, and will likely want to see them anyway, as they will be necessary to work out the settlement.)

                  I know it can seem like the world will never be quite right after something like this, but the truth is, as much as it s*cks to go through it... you WILL get through it and be happy again. I thought the world was coming to an end when I went through a (very nasty) divorce and now look back on it as one of the very best things that ever happened to me... as it opened up an entirely new and much, much better life than I would ever have had otherwise. Hugs.
                  **********
                  We move pretty fast for some rabid garden snails.
                  -PaulaEdwina

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    I'm sorry you have to go through this..you are NOT alone.

                    Hire an accountant. Mine helped me get thru the financial "what if's" of the divorce. I still value her judgement. She also became a way to approach the pragmatic side of my divorce without a legal fight.

                    My laundry list of things that happened as we were divorcing would fill a book. My purse was stolen from my house. ...ONLY my purse. I had an electronic organizer I loved and he may have thot it was useful. He contacted a PI ..but I guess he didn't provide him with any results. (Because there was nothing to hide) His dumb friends called and left messages to him on the HOUSE phone...Great! His new GFs would call ME and let me know what he said about me! His long term GF stole art and statues from my house while an open house was being held. The police retrieved them from her when they visited his house to check on them. I went in the ICU and two mares were gone. In total four horses disappeared..and were sold using MY website. The buyers were aware of the divorce but took my horses anyway, I hated the garbage that happened. I'm sure everyone has a variation. Keep your eyes open. Find your tax records and file as an innocent spouse in 2009.

                    Chin up and be strong..it will be a time to find your compass again. Keep him at arm's distance and center your life as the woman you are now...and for the children you love. Consider a good massage therapist. It isn't an indulgence; it helps to take care of yourself. Believe in you. Repeat the mantra..I am going forward..

                    take care and reach out when you need some support.
                    Tradition of "Grande" Sporthorse Champions
                    GRANDE SOVEREIGN 2014 USEF 8th Leading HB Sire
                    & Sire of OWN IT - USEF National HB 3yo Champion

                    Grand Affiar, Grande Desire, GR Impression, Couture du Jour

                    Comment


                    • #70
                      Hugs & thoughts....

                      I love this quote and keep it on my refrigerator to remind myself....
                      "Where I'm at is not where I am going to stay....I am uncontainable!"
                      I am living the nightmare now myself and trying to always keep that glass half full.

                      Regarding the horses; my lawyer says that any property bought with money that was a gift to you is the same as a gift and is not marital property. So what was the source of the money you used to buy the horses? Inheritance is a gift. A personal loan from a relative might be a gift. Just saying!

                      Comment


                      • #71
                        I did not read all the posts but when I was married before my now ex-husband bought me a horse for x-mas.........sadly for him I divorced him a couple months later. Well he was more than a little mad and wanted the horse back so he could sell him and recoup the $5k he spent on him. My lawyer said that since the horse was a gift that he had no right to him. Thankfully I had a date stamped pictures of said horse with a big red bow on his head and me standing next to him. Were any of these horses gifts to you or the children?
                        RIP Sucha Smooth Whiskey
                        May 17,2004 - March 29, 2010
                        RIP San Lena Peppy
                        May 3, 1991 - March 11, 2010

                        Comment

                        • Original Poster

                          #72
                          Thank you to everyone for all your support and advice. This surely is a tough road. I know that others may think this is a stupid move, but we are going to give counselling one more shot. I think there are a lot of issues at play. My husband is struggling because it would just be easier to walk away than confront and deal with the root cause of the feelings of rejection and anger that have been festering for so long.

                          Part of what is playing with the horses is the huge financial committment and his feeling to having his needs met second. We have lost sight of the horses as being a fun, FAMILY activity. We need to get that back.

                          I don't know if this round of counselling will work. I do know from counselling and from the support here, that I am strong enough to look after myself and my children no matter what happens.

                          "Where I'm at is not where I am going to stay....I am uncontainable!" Love it!!

                          Thank you.

                          Comment


                          • #73
                            Good luck with the therapy. Really!

                            But in the meantime, gets your ducks in a row. Open a credit card in your name, copy all the paperwork you can, have a savings account in your name only - etc.

                            Just be cautious, and realistic. He may be using this time to do the same, and bleed accounts dry. I have seen it happen.

                            Comment

                            • Original Poster

                              #74
                              Originally posted by bf1 View Post
                              Good luck with the therapy. Really!

                              But in the meantime, gets your ducks in a row. Open a credit card in your name, copy all the paperwork you can, have a savings account in your name only - etc.

                              Just be cautious, and realistic. He may be using this time to do the same, and bleed accounts dry. I have seen it happen.
                              We do have our finances separate. We have also talked about how things will be divided if we split. We have both been through divorces before. He treated his ex-wife very fairly, as did my ex-husband.

                              I've heard of people going through nasty divorces and some of the stories on this thread make me really sad. The only ones winning are the lawyers.

                              Comment


                              • #75
                                Counseling

                                Ditto the good wishes, BUT, what I found, after hearing the same argument from the ex, was that the underlying issue was his passive agressive feeling of "how dare you be happy and fulfilled when I'm not ! ?" A secure, committed, loving spouse would THRIVE on the excitement and success your horses give you. Granted, the finances need to be addressed, but what it really came down to in the end for me is that he resented my happiness .
                                That is toxic and cancerous, and NO amount of sacrificing on your behalf will change it. Don't start down that path .
                                Don't let the issue become, "what can I give up to make you happy"..let it be
                                " how can we enjoy this together ?".
                                Snowflakes become an avalanche.

                                Comment

                                • Original Poster

                                  #76
                                  The finances do need to be addressed because everything seems to be going up except the paycheque.

                                  Since my part-boarders have moved on, the three horses have gone from being a perfect fit for our family to being way too much. I just don't have time to look after three. My husband worries that if I don't have the latest stuff or if he says no to something I would like to buy, that I'll hate him. The reality is there is only so much money to go around and sometimes no is the only answer. I can live with no. This is something I want to enjoy together.

                                  There are lots and lots of reasons for the spot my husband and I are in, the horses only a piece of it. But if I could reduce the stress a bit in this area, I think it would help a lot. And it would also help, in the event, we do divorce.

                                  I am trying my darndest to get some part-boarders but haven't had much interest. I would really appreciate some input about the ads. Would it be possible to pm someone for some advice?

                                  Comment


                                  • #77
                                    Originally posted by arghhalter View Post
                                    I've heard of people going through nasty divorces and some of the stories on this thread make me really sad. The only ones winning are the lawyers.
                                    I just want to let you know that, while there are a few lawyers out there who are nasty and who encourage vindictiveness - they are in the vast minority of family court practitioners. (And their colleagues know who they are and shun them accordingly.) Most of us know how the game is played and would rather minimize the amount of drama and stress (and hourly billing!) to our clients that that kind of contentiousness brings with it.

                                    I'm pointing this out not to defend my profession (we're not a real thin-skinned bunch), but just so you know.

                                    Because often, I see spouses trying to browbeat the other into signing an agreement because otherwise "the lawyers will just take it all." Often, the amount the spouse pays her/his own lawyer is far less than the amount of property or support the lawyer is able to secure for the client.

                                    I'm not saying your spouse would do such a thing. But I am saying that divorce/separation is a very stressful time for most people and one doesn't always possess the most clear-eyed judgment at such times. It can be very helpful to have an advocate who's not emotionally involved and who knows what is due you.

                                    OK, commercial over. Even if the above doesn't apply to your situation at all - maybe somebody's reading this thread who really needs to know how most family court lawyers operate.

                                    I wish you all the best, OP.
                                    I'm not ignoring the rules. I'm interpreting the rules. Tamal, The Great British Baking Show

                                    Comment

                                    • Original Poster

                                      #78
                                      I didn't mean to imply that the lawyers are mean or vindictive. Well, maybe a couple.

                                      It is the people who spend the money fighting in court to try and either gain what shouldn't be theirs or not give someone what should be.

                                      Comment


                                      • #79
                                        Originally posted by arghhalter View Post
                                        I didn't mean to imply that the lawyers are mean or vindictive. Well, maybe a couple.

                                        It is the people who spend the money fighting in court to try and either gain what shouldn't be theirs or not give someone what should be.
                                        I understand. I'm happy I'm in a county with mandatory mediation - spouses are required to attend at least three hours with their counsel and a certified family court mediator before they can get a court date for a final hearing.

                                        It's amazing how many cases can be settled at mediation - which is a very good thing for clients, since they get some control over the outcome of their case instead of leaving it all up to a judge.
                                        I'm not ignoring the rules. I'm interpreting the rules. Tamal, The Great British Baking Show

                                        Comment


                                        • #80
                                          I am so sorry for what you are going through. These situations are never easy and they are always painful, no matter what.

                                          I am also going through a roller coaster separation with my husband ... one day he's ready to move out, the next day he says "well, I guess we could try counseling again." It's a hard road, no matter how amicable the situation can seem.

                                          Along with a lawyer, please consider seeing a separate counselor individually. That is the best move I made. At the beginning, I was desperate to do ANYTHING to try to keep our marriage together. My counselor helped me see that my husband is making a choice I don't agree with, but there isn't much I can do about it. I'm learning to accept it and keep a positive outlook on my own life.

                                          (And she helped me realize that I probably shouldn't be trying to fix a marriage to the man who skipped my mom's funeral in order to save vacation days for skiing with friends. He's selfish and he is walking out now just because it's easier than trying.)

                                          I hope the horses/ponies can also help give you comfort. The horses I ride should really charge me for their therapy sessions ... they are wonderful listeners and they have helped me immeasurably.

                                          I hope that brighter days are ahead for you, and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

                                          Comment

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