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Need some divorce advice. Thanks all. It's over. post #166.

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  • #41
    Another thought...

    From a guy with stepchildren in a blended family. Sucessfully raised them(the now adult kids & I have a good continuing relationship like a birth parent/child ) and now on the home stretch of life.

    What did he expect when he married you? What has changed in your relationship? Why does he "blow" ? Men are different than women in more ways than society lets on. He is likely holding on (90% of time) until he can't (10%).

    Read "Love & Respect" by Dr Emerson Eggerichs. It spoke to issues we've had for 23 years. Maybe it'll speak to yours. I hope you can hold your marriage together.
    Equus makus brokus but happy

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    • #42
      Originally posted by peter1414 View Post
      i think there is no matter how to go for divorce because you have pre determine about divorce but there is lot's of farms which given divorce advice you just need to consult where you can come up with this problem.
      What? What did you just say? This makes NO sense!
      I want a signature but I have nothing original to say except: "STHU and RIDE!!!

      Wonderful COTHER's I've met: belleellis, stefffic, snkstacres and janedoe726.

      Comment


      • #43
        Get the best divorce lawyer in your jurisdiction. We used to call them "sharks" in Atlanta.
        If all goes well and things get distributed properly, you'll have spent too much money on the lawyer. However, if things get nasty, you want to have the lawyer who will fight in court, at the "rule nasty" hearings as our judges called the "rule nisi" hearings.
        Good luck. Children and animals suffer in divorces. Sometimes the women are the victims and sometimes the men are the victims, but best to be prepared for the worst.

        I did see several fights over dog custody and one fight over dressage horses in my years in Atlanta.

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        • #44
          Originally posted by arghhalter View Post
          You are very spot on M2. That has been a pattern in our relationship from the beginning.

          You are right. I do not want to deal with any of this. To be honest, I am not even sure any more what I am dealing with. He blows up and then a day later, it is like it never happened. To read my OP from 3 weeks ago, it is like it happened to a stranger.
          Recognition of this pattern is a good starting point for you...and you ARE dealing with it already. Good for you...keep going, you will get stronger, and you don't need to do this alone. Seek help...counseling or even a support group. You will benefit from an outside "voice of reason" and (I hope) will keep dealing with things, and moving forward with your own life.
          A marriage, no matter how good or bad or in between, does not define who you are. Nor does a horse and pony, nor do possessions. How you treat yourself and the ones you love DOES define you, though. Love yourself first.
          If would be silly of me to say 'None of this is your fault" because even if we are wronged, it is because we have given someone permission to do so.

          I'm not a counselor, just a woman who had been there, done that, been in that state of denial about a person who "went off" and I, for years made excuses for him, and let him drag me down. I turned the corner on that stage in my life 13 or 14 years ago, and relearned some important relationship behaviors. I have learned a bunch about this in my years ...you have to love yourself the way you love your children, and look after your self here the way I am sure you'll look out for your kids.
          What would you try if you knew you would not fail?

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          • #45
            Luckily I have no kids but I have been going through this for the past 9 months. One day he loves me doesn't want a divorce, doesn't know why he has done/said what he has. The next day he shows up to yell at me that it is all my fault. Then he shows up like nothing has happened at all. Add on top of this severe PTSD (his) and now an affair. Yep its been a wonderful year. Luckily farm and horses are all in my name. But he did come and steal equipment the other day so now I have a no trespassing order.
            Mine started out friendly until I found out he had been lying the entire time. Get a lawyer for your own and your childrens wellbeing. You don't have to get nasty but you do have to be smart. Go to councelling just for yourself. Trust me it will help you make well thought out decisions rather than basing them on emotion. Try not to dwell on the troubles 24/7. I know it is difficult. My husband who is still seeing his mistress has sent me naked pictures of himself, a 4 page love letter, called to yell at me, left love notes on my car with gifts, texts asking me to dinner, invited me to Thanksgiving with his family and asked to go riding with me all this week. If I get a no contact order he will loose his job. (law enforcement)
            Life goes on. And eventually things will get better (or so everyone keeps telling me, I'm still waiting.)

            Comment


            • #46
              Originally posted by DressageFancy View Post
              Are the ponies registered? And if so in who's name? If in the childerns name than they belong to the childern and are not community property.
              Not always true. When my parents divorced, the horse that was registered in MY name (and half of which was bought with MY savings) was a contested item. Father forced mother to either pay for half the horse or put me through the hell of selling for the money. Guess who still thinks her father is a $hithead even after 10 years?

              Go speak with the best attorney you can find. It's also important that you don't take anything less than your due from the divorce just because you want so badly to leave... that never ends well.

              good luck... sympathy and hugs

              Comment


              • #47
                Get to a lawyer and find out what your rights are. You can't protect yourself and your children properly unless you do. It's not about being nasty and cutthroat, but you need to know what you can legally do to protect yourself.

                I got divorced 3 years ago - I really think it was the most amicable divorce I have ever seen. I talked to a lawyer, found out what needed to happen, then I hoped for the best BUT prepared for the worst (this included changing the joint bank account so we BOTH needed to sign for anything over $500). I sat down and talked to him and was very honest about wanting to be fair about dividing everything.

                I bought my horse, she was registered to me, and I paid all her expenses for years. But since I bought her during the marraige, she was joint property. We agreed that he could keep the 'newer' vehicle to offset me keepign the horse.

                But the point is, you need to protect yourself.

                I'm sorry you have to go through this, it's so hard.

                Comment


                • #48
                  I just went through this last year. The very first thing I did was see an attorney, and it was the best thing I did. Not only did he provide good advice (like what you've received in this thread), it made me feel good to have someone on my side -- someone who was looking out for MY best interests. If your husband is indeed a good man, as you say he is, and if he cares at all about the children, he probably will not want to take their ponies away. You say they're not really worth a lot of money. In that case, you can probably just agree that you'll keep the ponies, and he'll keep whatever hobby stuff he purchased during the marriage. So, get the attorney and hope for the best. I got to keep the horses (mine and my daughter's), but my ex does not contribute anything to the care of our daughter's horse. Good luck to you, and keep your chin up. {{{{HUGS}}}}

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                  • Original Poster

                    #49
                    Well, it's officially over. Just let my coach know that two of the horses are up for sale. I don't think I have ever been so sad in my life.

                    Comment


                    • #50
                      Oh hell, I'm sorry!!!

                      Comment


                      • #51
                        I am so sorry.

                        Is there anything we can do beyond hugs? I would so love to help you but I'm just not in a financial place to do so.

                        ((hugs))
                        A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

                        Might be a reason, never an excuse...

                        Comment


                        • #52
                          Originally posted by Chardavej View Post
                          What? What did you just say? This makes NO sense!
                          The forum is being hit by keyword bots who register and post in threads containing specific keywords. It's been happening over the past two weeks.
                          Thus do we growl that our big toes have, at this moment, been thrown up from below!

                          Comment


                          • #53
                            I'm so sorry.... Sending {{{{HUGS}}}} your way.

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                            • #54
                              I'm terribly sorry - hang in there.

                              Comment


                              • #55
                                Originally posted by arghhalter View Post
                                Well, it's officially over. Just let my coach know that two of the horses are up for sale. I don't think I have ever been so sad in my life.
                                So sorry to hear it. I was "lurking" on your thread before and feeling for you - I had the total blind-side divorce thing happen to me at the ripe old age of 28. Despite having (bitterly) divorced parents and living through all that, I still had no idea how bad it could be.

                                What ended up happening? Did you guys make further efforts to work it out or was it just plain over? And what is the deal with the horses? I'm sorry for you and the kids.

                                Comment


                                • #56
                                  Originally posted by arghhalter View Post
                                  Well, it's officially over. Just let my coach know that two of the horses are up for sale. I don't think I have ever been so sad in my life.
                                  I'm very sorry it worked out this way.

                                  Comment

                                  • Original Poster

                                    #57
                                    Originally posted by blackwly View Post
                                    What ended up happening? Did you guys make further efforts to work it out or was it just plain over? And what is the deal with the horses? I'm sorry for you and the kids.
                                    We have gone to another psychologist to work through things. She has been incredible. My husband also went to his GP and recieved some meds for anxiety.

                                    Last Sunday was awesome. (I won't ge in details because I know there is a younger audience on this board - lol!). I thougt WOW! He is finally considering his role in this whole mess. Well, nope. Sunday was good because he had decided to leave me.

                                    I have advertised two of the horses. My beloved pony will stay.

                                    This summer was supposed to be a laid back, learn the trails at our facility and just have fun being around the horses. Guess that won't be happening after.

                                    I am just sick over the whole thing.

                                    Thank you all for the hugs and jingles. I appreciate them so, so much.

                                    Comment


                                    • #58
                                      Originally posted by arghhalter View Post
                                      It looks like Mr. DH will no longer be Mr. DH. He is a wonderful DH 99% of the time, but the other 1% I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. He has started threatening to leave and I think, no matter what I do, no matter how much I love him and want him to stay, he is ultimately going to walk out. I am beyond devastated.

                                      We have purchased three horses over the course of our married life together. I paid for two outright. He bought the pony. The pony and one of the horses were bought for the kids (Step-kids to him).

                                      Does he have a legal right to these horses? How are horses handled during a divorce?

                                      Does he have a legal obligation to continue to pay for anything related to the horses for the step-kids? We have been together 6 years.

                                      no not really as the pony is an asset can sell it and give you half of what the pony sold for
                                      unless you come to an agreement drawn upto by a solictor

                                      We have had so many amazing times as a family on trail rides, just hanging out at the barn, and at shows, I cannot believe that will simply be over.

                                      I cannot believe my marriage is going to be over.

                                      as a horse is a saleable commodity then yes its classed as an asset in the devorce as to the value of the horses at this time in the market place

                                      so you either sell them and the money due is split same your house and things in it
                                      or you have one each , as the pony has to be owned by you or him as the children are minors - regardless of his or yours is still an asset of the house hold


                                      or you can include all the horses if you want to keep them as a aprt of your payment when the house and thigns are devided

                                      like i said horses are salable commodities --

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                                      • #59
                                        I'm so sorry, AH. Keep your chin up.

                                        Comment


                                        • #60
                                          I am so sorry! I hate this has happened to you. What did he say to you? How did he bring it up? That was so wrong to make you feel so happy and then do that to you...
                                          I want a signature but I have nothing original to say except: "STHU and RIDE!!!

                                          Wonderful COTHER's I've met: belleellis, stefffic, snkstacres and janedoe726.

                                          Comment

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