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Need some divorce advice. Thanks all. It's over. post #166.

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  • #21
    No advice, just wanted to say I'm sorry. Divorce (usually) sucks.

    Comment

    • #22
      Originally posted by arghhalter View Post
      Thank you all for taking the time to share your wisdom.

      It's just really hard to imagine this picture without him. We've had so many wonderful times. He was a very supportive man regarding the riding. Going to shows with me, hanging out at the barn, even learning to ride. This whole situation just breaks my heart.
      Sounds like he is a good man. I hope you reciprocated for all those wonderful times on your and your children's behalf by supporting and showing up for things he was interested in separate from horses.
      Comprehensive Equestrian Site Planning and Facility Design
      www.lynnlongplanninganddesign.com

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      • Original Poster
        #23
        Originally posted by King's Ransom View Post
        You don't just hop on your horse and close your eyes and hope!
        Actually that describes my approach to show jumping pretty accurately. Sigh.

        No joint credit cards, one joint bank account that the mortgage comes out of.

        No, he didn't leave his first marriage for greener pastures. However, I think a big part of what we are going through is that he thought it would be different the second time around. And it's not. So, he feels chronically shortchanged by his married life. If I hear one more time that "it's not like it used to be", istg I will rip my hair out.

        I don't think there is a replacement in the wings, but who knows.

        pj: Yes, he does have his hobby things he has accrued over the marriage. I never thought of that.

        Who would appraise the horses? Could my coach do it? I didn't pay a lot for them, and in this economy, I think they would be worth even less.

        Comment

        • #24
          Sorry for this.

          But I think waiting around to some day come home and find him gone doesn't make sense. Sit down and TALK to him. Does he really want to leave? If it's not acrimonious, then try to work a separation out amicably. If he's just threatening, but there's no one else, get to a counselor.

          My husband (ex) and I actually decided one night after much unhappiness to end our marriage. It was a joint decision. We actually divided up the property between ourselves that night (no kids to complicate things and finances largely separate). We got an uncontested divorce and both of us lived up to the agreements of that night. It's not impossible . . . Good luck.

          Comment

          • Original Poster
            #25
            Originally posted by Plumcreek View Post
            Sounds like he is a good man. I hope you reciprocated for all those wonderful times on your and your children's behalf by supporting and showing up for things he was interested in separate from horses.
            He is a good man. No, in all honesty, I have not been as supportive as I could have been for his hobbies. The horses were a way for our family to connect.

            Comment

            • #26
              I am so sorry.

              I am an attorney, and 90% of my practice is devoted to family law. Here's my advice: you really must see an attorney in your state. Call someone today, please.

              People on the Net can't give you good advice, because we don't know what your state laws are, and we don't know all the facts of your situation.

              There are family lawyers who still do free initial consultations. I do. There are others who charge a small fee - because some spouses will go around and consult with multiple attorneys just to conflict those attorneys out of taking the other spouse's case.

              You don't have to commit yourself to paying a retainer and hiring a lawyer right this minute. But you do need to know where you stand legally, and only a family court attorney in your state who knows the relevant facts of your situation can help.

              If you need help finding somebody - and I don't know who or where you are obviously - feel free to PM me and I'll try my best to put you on the right track. I will not share any information you send me without your express permission.

              If you came to me IRL, I'd probably give you one more piece of advice - see if you can get your DH to agree to counseling and go. Y'all have had a good long-term marriage and it's worth trying to save. If he won't go, definitely consider going to counseling yourself. Divorce is one of life's major stressors and it's very smart to get professional help in dealing with it.

              Best of luck.
              I'm not ignoring the rules. I'm interpreting the rules. Tamal, The Great British Baking Show

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              • Original Poster
                #27
                Originally posted by pAin't_Misbehavin' View Post
                If you need help finding somebody - and I don't know who or where you are obviously - feel free to PM me and I'll try my best to put you on the right track.
                Thank you so much for your kind offer and thank you also to people who pm'd me.

                I, unfortunately, have been through this once before with my children's father. It was an amicable parting which was facilitated by a very down-to-earth family lawyer. When this happened the first time round, we knew it would be a friendly split, so just wanted someone to draw up the necessary papers. I was so disheartened by the numbers of lawyers who wanted to 'fight'.

                We have been to counsellors. At best, they made little difference. At worst, it was a nightmare for me, with my husband storing up two weeks worth of grievances, ready to unleash them as soon as we hit the office.

                The horses have been our touchstone. It's hard to be angry out in the beauty of the woods and tension just seems to melt away when you breathe in their scent.

                I do feel better thinking about some of the options that were presented re: keeping the horses; buying him out, as a gift to the children or as a trade. Really the horses are the only items of any value to me. Another house can be found, 'stuff' can be bought, but the horses are priceless and irreplaceable.

                Comment

                • #28
                  I dont have any advice but I just wanted to offer a /hug

                  Sounds like a rough time I Hope it gets better for you. What is it they say? Things are never as GOOD OR BAD as they seem.
                  * Sunny * Ella (2006 filly) * Tank (2008 colt)*

                  Comment

                  • #29
                    I have no advice other than a good lawyer (though I've been through a nasty, though uncomplicated divorce myself, *hugs*) and lots of hugs and prayers for you.

                    Comment

                    • #30
                      I am so sorry for you (and your kids) having to go through this. But it sounds as though you have a pretty realistic outlook, and that's good.

                      If the horses/pony are not worth that much, then I think the gift idea is a good one. It also seems less likely to me, since he is not the children's father, that he'll want to try to use them as bargaining chips.

                      Good luck; I'm sure you'll get through it, but it's such an unpleasant journey.
                      "The formula 'Two and two make five' is not without its attractions." --Dostoevsky

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                      • #31
                        You don't HAVE to include the horses in the divorce agreement !
                        ... _. ._ .._. .._

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                        • #32
                          i think there is no matter how to go for divorce because you have pre determine about divorce but there is lot's of farms which given divorce advice you just need to consult where you can come up with this problem.

                          Comment

                          • #33
                            The attorney who posted here is really right about so many things. Get an attorney NOW.

                            If he collected issues between counseling sessions, he was either really really frustrated, or was "collecting excuses" so he did not have to face the real issue. Men (or women, for that matter) don't leave a marriage without having a reason to leave, and sometimes, having someone waiting in the wings is just enough reason to push the envelope, make you get upset, or even mad enough that he can say you are pushing him away. Rarely does the person who is leaving just come out and admit they have been unhappy, but "so and so makes me happy, so I a going to try that now"
                            So I'm not laying the blame on you, I don't know you, and don't know him. If different counseling would help, that would be great. But if he has already made up his mind and just lacks the cajones to come out and say so, you are not going to change that.

                            I feel for what you are going through. I have been around the horse business for a long time, and have seen a fair amount of husbands burn out on doing "horsey" things with the wife and kids. I can offer a cyber hug from a stranger.
                            But girlfriend, time to talk...you can't just ignore this for your own sake, and for the sake of your children. Those kids are learning how relationships work by watching you. You owe it to them to talk to this man directly and be willing to accept what he is saying. I just looked at your last set of posts, and see that DH did not tell you about something he should have told you about. And why? Don't ignore that...it won't go away. Something is rotten in Denmark. Protect your self, for your own emotional health, because I just get the feeling you are not wanting to deal with all of this, and that's going to make you fell "blindsided" when someting really happens. I wish it were different for you . Please keep us posted, OK?
                            Last edited by Mach Two; Oct. 7, 2009, 04:46 AM.
                            What would you try if you knew you would not fail?

                            Comment

                            • #34
                              Originally posted by hollyhorse2000 View Post
                              My husband (ex) and I actually decided one night after much unhappiness to end our marriage. It was a joint decision. We actually divided up the property between ourselves that night (no kids to complicate things and finances largely separate).
                              This is how I tried to do my divorce. It didn't quite work, but it went well enough as far as divorces are considered.

                              Horses are, sadly, property. Same as a couch, the microwave and that handy little printer/faxer/copier (I'm bitter about losing that in the divorce ). I had to "buy" my half of one of my horses from my ex out of my half of the equity on the farmette; I'd had the others prior to the marriage. Didn't matter who paid for what. I had to do the same thing for my two trucks.

                              Good luck, and remember...this too shall pass!
                              COTH's official mini-donk enabler

                              "I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl

                              Comment

                              • #35
                                <Hugs> and ditto on the Attorney stuff. It is truly about Business and looking out for you and the Children at this point.

                                good luck,

                                KH
                                Strange how much you've got to know Before you know how little you know. Anonymous

                                Comment

                                • #36
                                  Does your discipline show who you are?

                                  sorry to hear about your troubles. Hang tough.
                                  Last edited by lawndart; Oct. 7, 2009, 09:02 AM. Reason: ended up in wrong place!
                                  Facta non verba

                                  Comment

                                  • #37
                                    Are the ponies registered? And if so in who's name? If in the childerns name than they belong to the childern and are not community property.

                                    Comment

                                    • #38
                                      Call an attorney.

                                      You really can't trust an online forum's advice on things like who has ownership of what horses, or whether or not there will be some kind of alimony/child support.

                                      Consult with a lawyer. (Or two, or three lawyers if they're doing free consults.)

                                      Anything else is playing Russian roulette with your and your children's future

                                      Comment

                                      • #39
                                        Yep, speaking as someone who just picked up a house at a fire-sale price because it was a court-ordered division of property sale, get with a family-law specialist who knows your state's laws and what your rights and responsibilities are. I DO agree with the poster who suggested closing/freezing joint accounts and credit cards, though--you do not want to end up with a mess on your bank statements and credit reports.

                                        I also second holly's advice to sit down and talk. My realtor (the poor woman was dual agent, listing and buyer's, and just caught it from everyone in the sellers' family) and I just got a first-hand look at an acrimonious divorce and sale of property where the divorcing couple weren't even speaking to each other--don't let this happen to you. Speak frankly with him and find out if he really wants out (it sounds like you are pretty sure he does) and where you two need to go from there.
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                                        • Original Poster
                                          #40
                                          Originally posted by Mach Two View Post
                                          I just looked at your last set of posts, and see that DH did not tell you about something he should have told you about. And why? Don't ignore that...it won't go away. Something is rotten in Denmark. Protect your self, for your own emotional health, because I just get the feeling you are not wanting to deal with all of this, and that's going to make you fell "blindsided" when someting really happens. I wish it were different for you . Please keep us posted, OK?
                                          You are very spot on M2. That has been a pattern in our relationship from the beginning.

                                          You are right. I do not want to deal with any of this. To be honest, I am not even sure any more what I am dealing with. He blows up and then a day later, it is like it never happened. To read my OP from 3 weeks ago, it is like it happened to a stranger.

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