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Need some divorce advice. Thanks all. It's over. post #166.

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  • Originally posted by arghhalter View Post
    I didn't write what I think you are referring to - he did (it's in one on my earlier posts).

    I don't want to bash him. I still love him, I miss him like crazy and would love for him to come home.
    OP, I wasn't referring to you. I was referring to everyone else. It always seems to happen on these kinds of threads. People project their own issues, histories etc. onto what is usually meager information provided by whoever the OP is. Had your STBX started this thread, everyone might be bashing you instead.

    From what you have described -- and I confess I haven't read the whole thing -- I certainly don't think I have enough information to have an opinion.

    That said, you've been there. You know it sucks. Being dumped sucks worse than doing the dumping. But having done both, I know that neither is really pleasant.

    While I also appreciate your wanting to share what he wrote to you, I would be offended in his place. Evidently, your alter isn't enough to camouflage your identity -- at least from him. So, if you really do want him back (and I'm not offering an opinion on whether that's a good idea or not), COTH probably isn't the best place to do it.

    All the best to you.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by Stellaspeed View Post
      Dizzy, I didn't get the whole quote in the message that I responded to. The words were HIS, not hers. He quite nicely and accurately, sums himself up, and I HOPE that Arghalter does not submit to that any longer.
      I understand that. But I disagree with all of the blanket assessments being made about the guy based on very limited information. If I were publicly judged on every private email I sent, I dread to think of the verdict. And I'm usually pretty careful about my words.

      Comment


      • I am kind of puzzled that the OP keeps saying she loves him and wants him to come back, but heck, it looks to me as if he was never fully present when he was around. I guess this illustrates an unfortunate tendency of many women, who love well but not wisely (in their choice of whom they love).
        Jeanie
        Last edited by sdlbredfan; Apr. 7, 2010, 10:19 PM. Reason: clarity
        Jeanie
        RIP Sasha, best dog ever, pictured shortly before she died, Death either by euthanasia or natural causes is only the end of the animal inhabiting its body; I believe the spirit lives on.

        Comment


        • Her alter didn't disguise her from her ex because he probably knew that she posted on COTH under that name (my boyfriend would recognize any online name I posted under from a mile away).

          If the ex wants his side of the story to be known, he can create an account and tell us. Maybe the night he packed his bags and left was embellished, but at the same time, his reaction lends to the idea that maybe he realizes just how silly he was over the whole thing.

          Even if he did tell his side, you know the truth would be somewhere inbetween...
          Enjoying the scenery out on the trails with my 1993 American Quarter Horse mare, Mollys Baby Pearls.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by sdlbredfan View Post
            I am kind of puzzled that the OP keeps saying she loves him and wants him to come back, but heck, it looks to me as if he was never fully present when he was around. I guess this illustrates an unfortunate tendency of many women, who love well but not wisely (in their choice of whom they love).
            Jeanie

            I went through the same thing with an emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend - guys who are manipulative know just how to balance the highs and lows, so when things were good between us, they were VERY good. However, when things were bad, they were VERY VERY VERY bad. No matter how bad things got, I still would remember the good times and would tell myself that the good times happened more than the bad (when in reality, they didn't). It took a long time for me to realize that I didn't love HIM, I loved the idea of US *when things were good*.

            It took me deleting all traces of him from my life and refusing to respond to his emails/calls to get over him. He would do the "maybe we can see each other in a month or so" thing just to mess with me - and once I got it through my (thick) skull that he was an emotionally abusive twit, I was able to finally move on from that relationship.

            I learned to never take that behavior again.
            Enjoying the scenery out on the trails with my 1993 American Quarter Horse mare, Mollys Baby Pearls.

            Comment


            • Originally posted by MBPearls View Post
              Even if he did tell his side, you know the truth would be somewhere inbetween...
              Precisely. But what I would truly love to hear would be his perspective on the horse thing. I gather from the OP that horses were a family thing, or she thought/hoped it would be. From the email, it doesn't quite sound that way. Given how big a part of life horses can take up, I can see how it could cause relationship problems if both partners aren't on the same page.

              Now that I think about it, I'm not sure I want to hear it from the STBX because then this will devolve into she said/he said about a particular relationship that may have entirely other issues going on. But it could, in theory, be instructive.

              Comment

              • Original Poster

                Originally posted by dizzywriter View Post
                Precisely. But what I would truly love to hear would be his perspective on the horse thing. I gather from the OP that horses were a family thing, or she thought/hoped it would be. From the email, it doesn't quite sound that way. Given how big a part of life horses can take up, I can see how it could cause relationship problems if both partners aren't on the same page.
                The horses were a family thing. He bought the first pony. But, as it turned out, not so much because he enjoyed it "for himself" (as I thought since he was an outdoorsy guy in general and he always seemed to like riding and doing barn things) but rather he enjoyed it FOR me. This is a HUGE difference as I have come to find out.

                I see horses as a responsibity (not a hobby), so when I hurt my back a few years ago, I would still ride so the horses got done. That meant, yes, DxH same second and HIS needs came second, once my reserves were depleted for the day. THIS was the start of the spiral into what finally turned into the divorce.

                Since, he was in it for my enjoyment, rather than his, he felt that since he had provided me with my enjoyment, and that he was not being 'provided' by me with his enjoyment, that I was just using him as a way to pay for the horses, hence his reference to the DB comment in his e-mail.

                He thought the more he bought me, the more he encouraged me to go do shows, do clinics, etc, the more I would love him. I thought he was doing because he enjoyed it. He was doing it because he thought I would not love him as much if he said no and that I would love him more, the more horse stuff he did 'for' me. I guess that is why things were such a shock to me, because I would haved him no matter what. He didn't need to buy me stuff to be loved.

                I'm not on COTH trying to 'get him back', I am just trying to make some sense out of this whole mess.

                What's that line? If you can't be a good example to someone, at least you can serve as a warning.
                Last edited by arghhalter; Apr. 8, 2010, 02:59 AM. Reason: btw: He knows my alter because he helped create it.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by arghhalter View Post
                  Got this message from my DxH on my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Have been debating about posting it but after having read through everything again, I guess I simply cannot see where I am mocking him or that I am not accepting responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our marriage. If I felt that way, surely I would expect the breakup to be much less painful than it is.

                  From the DxH:
                  Just read the thread on COTH.

                  I'm really too angry to even put into words how I'm feeling right now. You say one thing to me, and then go on there and mock me. Nice. I note that you've accepted NONE of the responsibility for what happened in our marriage. But from what I see on COTH, that's a common horse-woman attitude. Well, you're among good company there. Horses come first, husbands/indentured servants come last and the woman is never wrong. Maybe they should stop referring to husbands as DH's, and instead as DB - dumb bastards, because they fall for this crap.
                  OK, after considering Dizzy's thoughts, here's something I see : In most all of your posts, you profess your love for him, your bewilderment, your despair and your pain at losing him. He responds, but NOT with ANY mention of your love or any of your feelings, it's ALL about him and his anger.
                  Not one mention of any regret, any sense of loss, no remorse, just anger .
                  This is the same guy who left when you dared throw a load of clothes in the washer before giving him the piece of a$$ he was insisting on.
                  50/50 blame, somewhere in the middle, BULLSH!!.

                  Dizzy, I am a CASA, not a "mommy know it all" as you inferred, I also work with a local DV shelter, and I see this WAY too often. But, it's usually accompanied by black eyes, split lips, ruptured eardrums, and more. When I see an equal number of men with equally severe injuries, I will be more likely to believe in the equal blame.
                  Snowflakes become an avalanche.

                  Comment


                  • OP, really, grow up, act like an adult and stop hanging your dirty knickers inside out on a public washing line for all to see. How about zipping it up and trying to learn from your mistakes. You're now 0 for 2 in the marriage game - why not step away from the computer instead of [edit] all over this person you profess to lurve soooo much, go be a grownup and make sure you're not teaching this whiney example to your children. It's not about him or about you, it's about kids who for the second time are seing their lives turned upside down. Suck it up, grow a set and stop using the www as your own Dr Phil Show.
                    Last edited by admin; Apr. 8, 2010, 10:34 AM.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by dizzywriter View Post
                      Precisely. But what I would truly love to hear would be his perspective on the horse thing.
                      Oh yeah. That's just what we need.

                      OP, what Coreene said is ummm ... direct. But it's good advice. Stop picking at scabs in public and start getting on with your life.
                      __________________________
                      "... if you think i'm MAD, today, of all days,
                      the best day in ten years,
                      you are SORELY MISTAKEN, MY LITTLE ANCHOVY."

                      Comment


                      • Oh Roadapples, People

                        Originally posted by mp View Post
                        Oh yeah. That's just what we need.

                        OP, what Coreene said is ummm ... direct. But it's good advice. Stop picking at scabs in public and start getting on with your life.
                        Get off the high and mighty 'stop airing your laundry' trip - by making comments on the thread you're just adding coal to the furnace for the trainwreck to follow. It's like watching Maury Pauvitch or Jerry Springer, and sitting back saying 'Thank god that ain't me', but gossiping over a cuppa coffee about it all.

                        The only think I find odd is how it's managed to stay "HR" by Mod345's standards?
                        Eternal Earth-Bound Pets Independent Contractor.


                        All I want is to know WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CHICKEN???

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Threebars View Post
                          Get off the high and mighty 'stop airing your laundry' trip - by making comments on the thread you're just adding coal to the furnace for the trainwreck to follow. It's like watching Maury Pauvitch or Jerry Springer, and sitting back saying 'Thank god that ain't me', but gossiping over a cuppa coffee about it all.

                          The only think I find odd is how it's managed to stay "HR" by Mod345's standards?
                          I don't know how it is either.

                          I posted exactly once on this soap opera, waaaay back when it was "over." And that's exactly where it should have ended, IMO.

                          Road apples to you, too.
                          __________________________
                          "... if you think i'm MAD, today, of all days,
                          the best day in ten years,
                          you are SORELY MISTAKEN, MY LITTLE ANCHOVY."

                          Comment

                          • Original Poster

                            I appreciate that this thread has been left open because there has been some very helpful advice and support that has been offered, that people who aren't in horses don't understand. However, this has run its course if Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer are names coming to mind at this point.

                            Thank you.

                            So long and thanks for all the fish.

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by mp View Post
                              Oh yeah. That's just what we need.
                              Why? It's about the only thing that's HR about this entire subject. Indeed, according to the OP, horses are the root of many marital assumptions and unspoken (until now) resentments.

                              Comment


                              • Closing this thread because it's run its course and the OP has asked to do so.

                                Good luck to the OP.

                                Moderator 3

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