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BO perspective - it's never easy

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  • BO perspective - it's never easy

    Especially when it's family that gets uber behind and and lies about "the check is in the mail" for month and months and months and today I sell the horse. Trailer is on the way and I have a heartbroken 13 yr old niece. I just can not afford to do it any longer and I can not take the lying. I am overwhelmed with sadness. It has caused a lot of strife between DH & I and we never fight. I had to choose lying sister/niece or beloved DH. But I am still bereft. Lying Sis & I have been down this road many times before and DH snapped! Sadly a kid got caught in the middle.

    I just needed to lay it out there. i am sure a few of you understand. I would never ever ever intentionally hurt this child or any other - I just could not take it any longer.

    Selling for back bills is hard enough when it is a regular boarder, but family Oh My!

    Lying Sis is the type that takes takes takes and never says I am sorry or I was wrong or takes responsibility - it's been like this our whole adult lives(30+ years) She is never "there for me". But I am always picking up her pieces. I am just wore out. Friends and other family say "why do you let her back in?" And I say because it is my duty to forgive.

    Tired of being the dirt under her shoes

    Thanks for reading - the trailer is here.
    "If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there"

  • #2
    With all that history behind you with your sister - I am surprised that you even boarded this horse. You HAD to know it would eventually get to this point. It was one thing to agree if it were just her - but I would never have accepted the horse knowing a child was involved - unless I was willing to accept the loss. Again, complicated by your DH I am sure.

    Forgiving is one thing - putting yourself up to be used is quite another.

    Sorry to be hard on you, but I think you set yourself up for this. In time I hope you guys work it out - but keep money matters out of the relationship. You just can't trust her.


    • #3
      Ouch. I am sorry. Most of us will put up with cruddy behavior from family that we would never accept from friends or business acquaintances.



      • #4
        I disowned mine 10 years ago. I feel your pain.


        • #5
          Sounds like you are doing the right thing.
          Eight Fences Farm. Mansfield, MA


          • #6
            (((woodland))) I feel your pain. I am so much happier now that I have rid myself from the dysfunction in my family. But it is so hard when the youngest members are the ones who suffer.
            I Loff My Quarter Horse & I love Fenway Bartholomule cliques

            Just somebody with a positive outlook on life...go ahead...hate me for that.


            • #7
              Originally posted by bf1 View Post
              With all that history behind you with your sister - I am surprised that you even boarded this horse. You HAD to know it would eventually get to this point. It was one thing to agree if it were just her - but I would never have accepted the horse knowing a child was involved - unless I was willing to accept the loss. Again, complicated by your DH I am sure.

              Forgiving is one thing - putting yourself up to be used is quite another.

              Sorry to be hard on you, but I think you set yourself up for this. In time I hope you guys work it out - but keep money matters out of the relationship. You just can't trust her.
              I totally understand. Every time you think it's going to be different this time, because you want it to be just so badly.

              Hugs, Woodland. Is there anything else you can do to help your niece stay in horses? Something that doesn't involve your sister at all?


              • #8
                I agree, you are doing the right thing. And hugs to you.

                After playing the family peacekeeper for decades, I gave it up as a bad job about 10 years ago and came to terms things were never going to work. Now I speak to family members as I chose, not as I feel obligated to, save for one elderly cousin, but that 'obligation' extends to many elderly widows around the community, so it is a whole different ball game. Oddly, after the coming to terms, I have been far more relaxed and able to carry on with more important things than gut twisting over who is pissed off at whom and how to negotiate peace. FWIW, I haven't spoken to my brother in almost 10 years...and guess what, it doesn't bother me -his problem, not mine.
                Founder of the Dyslexic Clique. Dyslexics of the world - UNTIE!!

                Member: Incredible Invisbles


                • #9
                  I'm so sorry you've had to go through this, but you did the right thing.


                  • #10
                    So sorry Woodland! Just remember - you didn't do this to your neice - your lying sister did! Don't be too hard on yourself and hopefully with this out of the way, you can maybe find peace somewhere down the road! I hope she learned (probably not) from her lessons, but at least you don't need to bear the burden any longer!
                    "A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority." Rick Warren


                    • #11
                      I, still, to this day, with both of them gone now, remember the moment when I let go of my sister, but my mother could not. And so, I became mother's support, but not sisters. It is so very hard. And, yes, worse when a child is caught in the middle. I am so sorry. You did what you needed to do.
                      "One person's cowboy is another person's blooming idiot" -- katarine

                      Spay and neuter. Please.


                      • #12
                        I'm sorry. No one can hurt us like family can....sadly. You're not the bad guy in this sorry situation. Just remember that.


                        • #13
                          5 years ago I cut my losses, 4 years ago I was forced to rethink, last year I lost for good.

                          While it blows, it's so much easier to have a sibling to be mad at, or upset about or not talking to. When they are gone they tear a hole in your life that hurts even worse. No win situation.

                          @ Woodland, rest assure, it will be all your fault at the upcoming family events.

                          Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't, fun place to be in. Open up a bottle of the good stuff and cuddle with DH. They sometimes have to tell us to stop playing doormat, we might hate them at the moment for it, but they are usually right, as outsiders they have the clearer view.
                          Originally posted by BigMama1
                          Facts don't have versions. If they do, they are opinions
                          GNU Terry Prachett


                          • #14
                            Hang in there, Woodland, painful though it surely is, you did the RIGHT thing!
                            Please don't blame yourself, this was not you.
                            My big man - April 27, 1986 - September 04, 2008-
                            You're with me every moment, my big red horse.

                            Be kinder than necessary, for everyone is fighting a battle of some kind.


                            • #15
                              When it comes to sisters/family etc you always try to make a relationship work. I can completely understand why Woodland took her sister in especially when there is a niece involved who is an innocent party. You always hope it will be better, that something will change and try to give the benefit of the doubt. We're usually wrong, but would never forgive ourselves if we didn't try. The fact you tried Woodland, makes you a rare person indeed with an ability to forgive. Even with a bad ending you did the right thing and tons of hugs and tons of well wishes for things to only go up from here! Jingles seem to be used on horses here but here's jingles that you get an incredible boarder in her place who pays her bills, causes no trouble and has an easy keeper horse. And more jingles that your neice's heart heals quickly and that she still has the opportunity to learn from an Aunt like you.
                              ~The Hardest Thing About Riding is the Ground~


                              • #16
                                Yikes...you were placed in a horrible position. The victim here is your 13-year-old niece. Keeping my fingers crossed for you that she will eventually understand and not hold you responsible. Teens can be tough, sometimes.


                                • #17
                                  Remember: forgiving someone doesn't excuse what they did or make it right. It just frees you from the bitterness. It also doesn't mean that "all is right" again.... you just set up healthy parameters and do not permit THEIR CHOICE OF BEHAVIOR to affect you.

                                  It is sad for the kid, but I pray she's learning a valuable lesson from the pain caused by her mother's selfish choices and can rise above.
                                  <>< Sorrow Looks Back. Worry Looks Around. Faith Looks Up! -- Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.


                                  • #18
                                    Originally posted by Ambrey View Post
                                    I totally understand. Every time you think it's going to be different this time, because you want it to be just so badly.
                                    oh, yes. Or even if you can see it, but someone else - DH, mom, dad - they want it so badly.

                                    So sorry.
                                    a 501(c)3 organization helping 501(c)3 equine rescues


                                    • #19
                                      Woodland, I'm so sorry you are in this position. You are doing the right thing, it isn't your job to keep a pony for your niece. Her mother let her down, not you.

                                      I boarded my sister's elderly pony for a few years. She was supposed to send $50 a month for her upkeep but she never did. The pony had an eye problem which suddenly worsened one summer and my husband and I did round the clock medication (over six times a day) for two weeks and my sister never thanked us but she did get upset when she got a vet bill. Finally, I was in the middle of a difficult pregnancy, struggling to keep up at work and on the farm, and I spent two hours trying to catch this slippery pony so it could get it's feet trimmed and I just decided that the pony had to go somewhere else. My sister was furious, how dare I? That really shocked me--I knew I was being taken for granted, but that she thought that I OWED it to her? Also, it was a real eye opener that she didn't care one whit that I was exhausted and struggling with a tough pregnancy.

                                      Woodland, you are doing the right thing. The dust will clear eventually and your relationship with your husband is more important. Relationships are a two way street, and if your sister isn't willing to do her part, the relationship isn't worth much anyway.


                                      • #20
                                        Originally posted by Go Fish View Post
                                        Yikes...you were placed in a horrible position. The victim here is your 13-year-old niece. Keeping my fingers crossed for you that she will eventually understand and not hold you responsible. Teens can be tough, sometimes.
                                        Woodland, I am sorry you were caught in the middle. My guess is that sis has been lying to and disappointing her daughter, too. If you can, it would be a great service to this girl to learn that adults should say what they mean, and do what they say. Selling her horse can be a teachable moment for niece, that this is about her mother, not about her. If there is any way for you to keep this girl in your life, it would be a blessing to her. If her mother habitually lies, she will need it.