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Threats you make to your horse, perferably funny/sarcastic

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  • Threats you make to your horse, perferably funny/sarcastic

    I have been threatening to blindfold Ami for awhile now. Theoretically, if she was blindfolded, she really wouldn't need to look where she was going so she would bend very well. In reality, she'd freak, rear, walk backwards, and we'd go off of a cliffe.

    Also the "I'm going to sell you!" When she won't let me catch her.

    What threats do you make?

  • #2
    I knew someone that always threatened to put a can of Alpo in his horses stall after a bad ride so the horse could "think about it's options". Eeeeep.


    • #3
      "OMG if you weren't so cute and your dad didn't like you so much, I'D KILL YOU!!!!!!!!!" Said very loud, through gritted teeth, while trying to control two-year-old pissy chestnut filly in heat and apologize to farrier who is thinking basically the same thing.
      COTH's official mini-donk enabler

      "I am all for reaching out, but in some situations it needs to be done with a rolled up news paper." Alagirl


      • #4
        I'm getting your Auntie Cathy!!

        Auntie Cathy being the one who started him.


        • #5
          To the stallions: "If you don't stop (insert whatever inappropriate behaviour), I'm going to cut one of your balls off. If you do it again, the other one can join it!"

          I can't say that's too original though, since I say the same thing to DH.
          Founder of the Olde Farte Clique


          • #6
            To my old mare:

            "I'm going to sell you to the dumpling man down the road."

            "If you don't stop that, I'm washing your udders daily." (she hated that)

            "No candy canes for you!"

            To my gelding:

            "If you don't quit, you're back on stall rest for a week." (boy does he hate stall rest)

            "You're making me reconsider shipping you all this way!"

            Of course then they look at me cutely and I apologize.
            "The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated." - Gandhi

            -my gelding is a ho clique-


            • #7
              If you bite me, I'll bite you.
              It's a uterus, not a clown car. - Sayyedati


              • #8
                We are near Amish farmland, and I've been known to brandish a postcard of a hard-working horse pulling a buggy or a team plowing a field, and threatened "This could be your next job if you don't like the program here". I feel better then,and horse could care less as postcard is clearly neither treat nor toy!


                • #9
                  I threaten to sell him by the pound. He never listens, though...
                  Don't tell me about what you can't do. That's boring. Show me what you can do. - Mom


                  • #10
                    I whisper the name of the killer buyer in the area. I guess that makes me a horse whisperer.

                    I also call them worthless mules.

                    Kill pen rejects. Not even good enough to get slaughtered. (Ponies were both purchased out of the kill pen.)

                    I tell them the next family to love them wll be French.

                    Lostfarming in Idaho


                    • #11
                      I often threaten to smack them with nearby objects (pitchforks, shovels, saddle racks...).

                      When my baby is trying to murder me, I tell her, "Sometimes I understand why people BEAT Arabs!"

                      And as we stand in the barn waiting for the vet, I always remind her that the forthcoming encounter is just punishment for all her wrongdoings in the past few months...
                      Proud member of the EDRF


                      • #12
                        My very favorite....

                        "I'm going to tell UNCLE PAUL to come have a talk with you!"

                        (somehow they all know this is VERY serious!)


                        • #13
                          shameless stolen from the Simpsons...

                          "if you don't [insert desired behavior], we're taking a trip to the glue factory... and YOU'RE not invited."


                          • #14
                            Your hiney is MINE

                            Originally posted by Pirateer
                            My very favorite....

                            "I'm going to tell UNCLE PAUL to come have a talk with you!"

                            (somehow they all know this is VERY serious!)


                            • #15
                              To my filly:

                              "That's it, no Black Stallion video for a month"
                              "One more time and I am taking your cell phone away"

                              To my gelding:
                              "One more time and you are going to juvie" (meaning, 30-day sleep away camp at his trainer's farm)
                              Roseknoll Sporthorses


                              • #16
                                "I stamp my feet at you!!" - actually, they listen to that one and look all sweet and sorry for themselves like little lost puppydogs.

                                "Oh, are we having a Jellimeat moment, hmmmm?" - that one has my trainer rolling around the ground laughing - as I say it to (1) her son (2) her stallion (that I am riding) (3) any of the dogs and (4) any other horse that I am working... trouble is, I've started saying it at work as well


                                • #17
                                  "Don't make me spank you!" is standard....

                                  So you're not tired? We can fix that... (Followed by a detour out of the ring and straight up the hills)

                                  My horse likes to wait until I JUST GET the straps of the noseband together and then pitch his head right as I'm trying to buckle it, pulling them out of my hands....Usually goes something like....

                                  (being still)
                                  (throws head)
                                  DAMMIT TY, STOP IT!
                                  DAMMIT I SAID STOP! (followed by a whack on the nose)

                                  Then he rolls his eyes around and looks at me like I beat him and then I feel bad and rub his head.
                                  My boys...
                                  RIP Gem...for you are the greatest...thank you for the inspiration...I will always remember you!
                                  Gem Twist (1979-2006)


                                  • #18
                                    While trying to give a horse Legend once.... "Stand still or I'm going to jam this #@**&^ needle into your eye!!!!!! And then the night watch guy walks by...
                                    Originally posted by JSwan
                                    Prove it....Otherwise, you're just coming off as a whackjob.
                                    Founding member of the "Not too Klassy for Boxed Wine" Clique


                                    • #19
                                      my general threat to the horses are to sell them to the Amish...then when they're really bad, I threaten to just give them to the Amish.

                                      Recently - I moved next to a TB race farm - now I'm also threatening to send my young tb over there so he can learn "what real work is"

                                      for some reason, they never pay any real attention to my threats....I can't imagine why?!
                                      Stacy Lynne Photography


                                      • #20
                                        To my sister's gelding Java (to the tune of Jimmy Buffet) "Java Burgers in Paradise".

                                        To my crochety old mare it's a yell "MARE" and a growl or snort. Sometime she snorts back. There's no telling her what to do at this age- or so she thinks actually I think she *thinks* her name is mare.

                                        Most of the time it stomping feet and growling, it always gets their attention. Otherwise it's "You know there's an auction every Thursday night not to far from here!"