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Threats you make to your horse, perferably funny/sarcastic

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  • #21
    Ah, Riva, maybe reinforce your verbal threat with pictures-- Amish buggies, video clips from the PharLap movie where horse is heavily trained...?

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    • #22
      "I swear to God, If you don't stop, I WILL beat you!!" at which point everyone around me laughs, because they know I would never do it, but the gelding gets the look of fear in his eyes, and quits whatever he was doing.
      A friend of mine still reminds me of one time I was threatening my TB mare, who was a handfull and a drama queen. "I'm gonna beat the living sh** out of ....oh my God, you poor baby! look at that cut on your leg!" The mare, who had not yet noticed she was injured, looked down, saw the blood, and practically swooned!

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      • #23
        All of these are good.... made me laugh.

        Mine's basic and similar to SidsMom.

        "I'm gonna beat you!" It's universal.... I say it to my dogs too.

        Stitch just looks at me for a second.... and then stops doing whatever it was that was annoying me.

        The dogs put their ears back and give me the most pathetic look on the planet.

        Now of course, I've never beat them.... ever.

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        • #24
          I borrow from Bill Cosby: I'M GONNA BEAT YOU TILL YOU WON'T GROW NO MORE. Granted, she's already grown but the point gets across.

          Yes, all is said/growled/yelled in jest. Of course, this is threat is only directed toward The Queen, Penny.

          Tank never needs yelling at...she's perfect.
          <>< Sorrow Looks Back. Worry Looks Around. Faith Looks Up! -- Being negative only makes a difficult journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus, but you don't have to sit on it.

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          • #25
            "I'm going to untack you and turn you out on _____________ road."

            or

            "I'm going to untack you and leave you here (at whatever show venue)."
            Amanda

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            • #26
              Once told to my WB mare: "Keep it up, and I'll make you a broodmare."
              It dawned on me later, that's not much of a threat since she adores babies, children, cats, dogs... anything small and cute.
              "I did know once, only I've sort of forgotten." - Winnie the Pooh

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              • #27
                I've been known to suggest to my horse that he CAN experience dinner in Belgium...and not as a guest.

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                • #28
                  Lukes main annoyance to me is masturbating. A lot. Hes a GELDING...and we've got a barn full of kids. Makes for much awkwardness, so he gets "RELAX THAT THING OR I'M GOING TO TAPE IT BACK IN!"

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                  • #29
                    The house next door to the farm where I boarded my high-strung TWH was owned by a Peruvian family. A couple of times a year they have big festivals with music and a pit pig-roast. I once decided to ride Idiot Boy during one of these events. He hadn't been ridden in awhile and behaved predictably idiotic, spinning and threatening to rear and generally being a jerk. At one point we passing by the pig-roast pit, and I told Cy he'd end up as Peruvian Barbeque if he didn't straighten up. 'Peruvian Barbeque' soon became my standard threat of choice.

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                    • #30
                      To the horses that are broke to ride but never are- "You CAN be ridden!"

                      To the horses that were broke to ride by an Amishman- "I'll send you back to be Amished." Although that's not much of a threat- they actually liked it there!

                      To the stallion that rears up in his stall (before I get a lead on) when he knows we're going to breed- "Quit or you won't get any." Same stallion when he thinks about not listening or attempts to rush the mare- "I'll put you back in your stall." These are NOT idle threats, and he knows it.

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                      • #31
                        My horse was freaking out over a small pile of sticks on the ground so I shouted, "I'm going to jump off you and beat you with those @$%%*ing sticks if you don't settle down!"
                        I jumped off and he proceeded to pull back and was out of there, I never did get to hit him with those sticks
                        http://lessismore17.blogspot.com/

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                        • #32
                          When she really makes me angry I tell her I'm calling the dead meat truck to come and get her. As usual, she just ignores me.
                          *
                          One pair of good hands is better than having a thousand different bits.

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                          • #33
                            When Murphy was younger and a real PITA (daily basis) I used to shout "If I had a gun I'd shoot you!". Then one day the BO's little boy asked me if I'd play with him. He told me that I could be Murphy and he would shoot me. I watched what I said after that! These days I just tell Murph that I'll send him to solitary (pasture by himself) if he doesn't behave. He loves his harem of mares so that's quite a threat.
                            Crayola Posse - Pine Green
                            Whinnie Pine (June 4, 1977 - April 29, 2008)
                            Autumn Caper (April 27, 1989 - May 24, 2015)
                            Murphy (April 28, 1994 - May 5, 2017)

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                            • #34
                              Originally posted by Amchara
                              I have been threatening to blindfold Ami for awhile now. Theoretically, if she was blindfolded, she really wouldn't need to look where she was going so she would bend very well. In reality, she'd freak, rear, walk backwards, and we'd go off of a cliffe.

                              Also the "I'm going to sell you!" When she won't let me catch her.

                              What threats do you make?
                              "Back to the track!!!!"

                              or

                              "Off to the AMISH!"
                              "Truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it and ignorance may deride it, but, in the end, there it is." Sir Winston Churchhill

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                              • #35
                                Used to tell my old guy, Fudgeman, that I was gonna call 1-800-Alpo. Continually asked him if he wasn't part mule and got the short end of the stock in the ears department. Finally just resorted to bribery.

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                                • #36
                                  We are about an hour away from Unadilla where they have an auction every other week...so a standard threat is that they'll get dropped off there and tied to the mailbox, the next sale is never more than 13 days away...usually it just gets shortened down to muttering "13 days you know..." at them.

                                  Another at shows is "do you want everyone on the show grounds to know your name?"...to get the attention of a horse my trainer tends to kind of growl their names at them...usually snaps them right back into place!
                                  The best little horse show series around! www.WinningWeekends.com

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                                  • #37
                                    I tell my 4 yr old welsh cob that it is not the trolls in the bushes that are going to get him it's the troll on his back that better be paying attention to.

                                    He is also like the girl with the curl in the middle of her forhead. When he is good, he is very good and then there are the those bad days when he should of just stayed in bed.

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                                    • #38
                                      Wow - I thought I was the only one who did that.

                                      When my horses are naughty - I mutter that I'm going to sell them to the Amish where they'll REALLY work for a living.

                                      Course - I'd never do it but I think there is enough quiet menace in my voice that the horses do as the fat lady asks.

                                      Originally posted by JumpItHighPie
                                      "Back to the track!!!!"

                                      or

                                      "Off to the AMISH!"
                                      Brothers and sisters, I bid you beware
                                      Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.
                                      -Rudyard Kipling

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                                      • #39
                                        I've often threatened to change my geldings name from Devin to DeKalb, in honor of the local slaughter house.
                                        He will also occasionally hear that "they will find you where I left you"

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                                        • #40
                                          My long time standard is "If you keep this up, you aren't even going to make it to Alpo - it'll be a GENERIC can for you!"

                                          And when they are being supremely annoying, but it's really important I have a "nice" voice because no matter how much I would actually like to hurt them, they are technically improving, I say "oh you are such a horrid little [insert appropriate descriptive swear word here], my goodness I'm gonna just kill you, bit by bit, slowly and painfully and feed you to stray dogs, and I'm going to laugh all the while you useless piece of [insert description of offending animal]"

                                          And in the ongoing lethal threats, I've been known to mention it is perfectly legal to kill a horse as long as I don't make an insurance claim. That usually straightens them right up.
                                          Your crazy is showing. You might want to tuck that back in.

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