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Help! What do I do? Parents and Riding Lessons (sorry, LONG)

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  • #21
    I'm glad that your parents have agreed to let you buy a car, but I think that using the money you're about to get as a downpayment on a car is the WORST thing that you could do. Do you really want to get yourself into an auto loan that you potentially couldn't pay back!? Especially given that your parents are crazy, and they'd probably be the co-signers on the loan. Get yourself into a $1000 rust bucket of a car that you won't feel bad crashing or taking down the barn roads, and then work on replacing it later when you've got the steady income to afford an auto loan. The last thing you need is MORE debt right now.

    Next, I'm going to make a very radical suggestion that I'm sure will get me flamed. But I stand by it.

    Put your three-year-old on on the market at a VERY negotiable price or give him away to an experienced, good home. You don't have to sell/give him to anyone who makes you feel nervous or suspicious, and you could insist on right of first refusal in the contract, but this horse needs to go.

    Look at all the hell that this horse is bringing into your life. You're working 2 days a week to pay his board, you don't have a car or the money to facilitate CONSISTENT trainer supervision with this horse, and there's no chance that your schedule will be letting up in the future. That's not fair to the horse, and it's not fair to you. And I shudder to think what's going to happen the NEXT time this horse needs emergency vet care. What if you don't have the cash!?

    Yes, you love the horse and having a horse in your life probably provides you with great joy. All of us COTH'ers sympathize with that. But you know what else would provide sanity? Paying HALF the cost of board to take riding lessons at a school barn, and using that other half of the saved money to pay for a car that will get you to work which will eventually get you the money to afford horse care more comfortably in the future.

    For me, at the end of the day, it comes down to this: You are not in a financial position to own a horse right now. Therefore, you need to sell your horse or give him away immediately to someone who has the time and experience to handle him. In the future, when you have a more steady income + more reliable form of transportation + are no longer living with your parents, then you'll be ready for a horse project.
    Head Geek at The Saddle Geek Blog http://www.thesaddlegeek.com/

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    • #22
      Wah.

      Comment


      • #23
        You sound overwhelmed. In addition to your own emotional/financial/academic concerns, it appears that you are also maybe too involved in your parents' emotional and financial lives. Hard not to be, when they influence yours to such a great extent, but it does you both a disservice.

        Instead of focusing on what they could/should/promised to do for you, focus on WHAT HAS TO BE DONE. Assume you have full responsibility for doing it/paying for it and anything else will come as a welcome and pleasant surprise. Doesn't matter how you "rank" with your siblings (I achieve more, therefore I *deserve* more). Might want to enlist the help of a trusted teacher or guidance counselor with this, but make a list of priorities. Part of the problem, as I see it, is that you have so MANY priorities (school, driving, job, horse) that you are sinking under the load.

        School: what does it take to be successful? (forget about the horse, the driving, the job - JUST school). What is the reward for success? (career, scholarships) What is the penalty for mediocrity? (stuck in place...) What resources do you need to be successful? (time, etc.) Next, SECONDARY, priority. If you need to make arrangements to free lease your horse or WHATEVER or take the bus somewhere or WHATEVER, understand your goals and your priorities.

        You're in a quagmire of too much to do and no way to do most of it... Success comes to those who know what to do and when to do it, not generally to those who try do it all.

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        • #24
          Originally posted by AltersAnonymous
          ....and my mother tells me it's not an accomplishment for me to get good grades because I don't have a job to occupy my time. (conveniently forgetting I work two days a week for board and go to TWO schools)
          Just curious - if you don't drive, don't own a car, yet attend two schools and work two days a week, how do you get to all of these places? Does Mom drive you? Or do you take the bus? And how do you attend two schools simultaneously?
          In loving memory of Laura Jahnke.
          A life lived by example, done too soon.
          www.caringbridge.org/page/laurajahnke/

          Comment


          • #25
            Originally posted by mazu
            Wah.

            And this is a helpful comment how? Rude.

            Comment


            • #26
              Can we say, "victim"?

              I have a history of panic attacks, and I was anorexic for all of middle school and the first two years of high school because of his comments. I'm afraid that I will develop lifelong problems with driving if I associate it too much with his verbal attacks.
              Victim, victim, victim. Unless you lose this victim mentality, you are going to have challenges at every turn. YOU control what YOU do. Your dad may or may not be abusive as you say, but nothing he says or does MAKES you anorexic. It's YOUR reaction to what others do that determine YOUR behavior and that is ENTIRELY under your control. This may sound like a harsh response to you, but you come off as feeling very sorry for yourself and somehow entitled to your parents' time and money. You are almost a legal adult and you don't sound prepared at all to function like one and your parents are probably pitifully aware of this and trying to do something to bring you around before it's too late. If you go through life allowing things that others say and do to cause you "lifelong problems" you will be a very unhappy person indeed. It sounds to me like maybe you should spend the $25 on a qualified counselor or psychotherapist.


              I have a sister who has been in jail for methamphetamine, a stripper, kicked out of multiple schools, and had a child with a cocaine addict who was in jail for eight years but got out early for good behavior (the child is five now). They still give her more support than they give me, even though she is over 30. I am the first of my siblings to go to college on time- all of the three others took time off first, and I am going early.
              Um, Honey, it sounds like she NEEDS more support, therefor she gets more. If that's even really the case. Parents NEVER treat all their children the same because al their children are NOT the same. It would be a huge parenting mistake to try to treat multiple children the exact same way. Why waste your time and energy worrying about what someone else is getting and how your parents should be allotting their time and money. It's THEIR time and THEIR money.
              Last edited by JackieBlue; May. 21, 2006, 12:12 PM.
              "Absent a correct diagnosis, medicine is poison, surgery is trauma and alternative therapy is witchcraft" A. Kent Allen
              http://www.etsy.com/shop/tailsofglory

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              • #27
                You can download a pdf version of the DVM rulebook from their website. You obviously have access to the internet. BTW, who pays for that?
                "Absent a correct diagnosis, medicine is poison, surgery is trauma and alternative therapy is witchcraft" A. Kent Allen
                http://www.etsy.com/shop/tailsofglory

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                • #28
                  JackieBlue nailed it.

                  JMO, but I think this whole post is a fabrication. A troll with too much time on her (?) hands.

                  Whenever I meet someone who apparently has the whole world against them, I get skeptical. Then, I let them talk and talk and talk, and tell me all about how terribly they're treated by nearly everyone who knows them, and how innocent they are. When I've heard enough, I smile politely, turn away and run like hell.

                  The nice weather is bringing out the trolls again, I see.
                  In loving memory of Laura Jahnke.
                  A life lived by example, done too soon.
                  www.caringbridge.org/page/laurajahnke/

                  Comment


                  • #29
                    Mostly hugs, little advice...

                    Find somebody to teach you how to drive...no matter when or how old, the first few outing flying solo are horrendously mindwrecking...get it behind you, ASAP!

                    Get yourself an old clunker, reliably enough to take you from A to B, but nothing with payments! Trust me, it will get dented...anything pretty, while nice to have, is not essential at this point!

                    The horse...he's a baby, he is not dangerous, I don't think you are the only person who can handle him...I hope I am not too blunt!

                    You need to consider parting ways with him. The next injury (and they always happen when you can't afford them) will whipe you out, including your dreams of car ownership!

                    Your parents have broken their promisses to you allready numerous times...will they stick to it this time?

                    Get yourself driving and a set of wheeels, and flip burgers if need be...
                    Consider the situation with the horse...I know you love him, but I also know, there will be another one just around the corner...maybe even better!

                    I don't know where you live, but trust me, driving is a piece of cake!
                    Originally posted by BigMama1
                    Facts don't have versions. If they do, they are opinions
                    GNU Terry Prachett

                    Comment


                    • #30
                      Originally posted by Appassionato
                      What I am about to say I will probably get flamed for, but bear with me. I'm also taking your word for the whole matter on this.

                      I came from a very abusive childhood. The only thing I felt I had in the world was my horse. He was there no matter what. Friends come and go, enemies are forever. I remember what high school was like. Basically my advice is this, given your age you have two options: either suck it up, or turn them in. In sucking it up, you might keep your horse. Turning them is, you'll probably lose him. The situation sucks, I know. I've been there. Still have the physical and emotional scars to prove it. I took the suck it up road. I kept my horse, and still have him in his retirement and love him dearly. No question I would have lost him if I had turned them in; I saw what happened to my sister when she tried to do the same. In the end, only one child speaks to my parents at all. It's just how it is. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that if you are truley in an abusive situation, abusers don't change. Only YOU can determine your destiny. Not them. Make a difference for you, don't ask them to. Only thing I can grant my childhood is that I became a very strong person for it. Sure, I have weaker moments. Sure, sometimes people get to me. guess what? I'm human. You are too.

                      There's an old saying that basically went, "words only hurt you if you let them." Change how you react to the words. Now I'm not saying that when you change how you react, the words won't get more harsh. I know in my case it did. But how *I* act is up to me, I can't change them. They are responsible for themselves.
                      Her parents won't fork over dough to a self absorbed, immature almost 18 year old and now she's abused and needs to "turn them in"? To who?
                      Miss Anonymous, did your Mother know that you did all those sweet things for her on Mothers Day in expectence of financial reward for yourself? Maybe if she knew the deal she would cooperate a little better. Everything that you listed off that you did for her is WHAT A DAUGHTER DOES FOR HER MOTHER in the real world WITHOUT expecting anything in return. Your Mother has already given you more than you'll ever know (unless or until you become a Mother yourself) and you are less than appreciative. Pardon my frankness, but you really need to grow up.
                      "Absent a correct diagnosis, medicine is poison, surgery is trauma and alternative therapy is witchcraft" A. Kent Allen
                      http://www.etsy.com/shop/tailsofglory

                      Comment


                      • #31
                        As a parent of an 9 year old, and a 3 month old, I feel very confident in giving you my opinion.

                        Your parents are OUT OF LINE!

                        Let me ask you all a question. Who is the best golfer in the world? Many would say without hesitation "Tiger Woods" WRONG! The best golfer in the world is a kid with a dream who's parents won't pay for a set of golf clubs for him. Tiger woods was playing golf at 9 years of age because he had his parents FULL support. Now he is a multi millionaire who I'm assuming shares it generously with his parents...think their complaining about the money they had to spend on golf lessons?

                        The reason 90% of American's (and other countries to) are working miserable dead end jobs is because when they were a child their parents shut down their dreams with excuses like "We don't have the money" or "I don't have the time". Children learn to give up on their dreams to deal with pain and loss and take that defeated attitude into adulthood. They work at jobs they aren't happy at and end up making the same excuses to their own children.

                        If you can't get a job for transportation, or any other reasons then THEY need to find a way to earn the extra money and find things around the house you can do to earn it. A paper route pays $200-$500 a month, you could do it with your mother or father in the mornings, or on weekends. I did one for 2 years to pay for my daughters riding lessons (hers are $60 a piece) until my business created enough profit that I could quit. Believe me, when my daughter is grown she will look back on the great lengths I went to for her and she will do the same for her children.

                        A parents job is NOT just to feed, clothe and shelter a child. Thats what you do for a f*cking dog!! A parents job is also to nurture and develop their childs dream. You don't build character and drive in a child by denying them the very thing that gets them out of bed in the morning (my daughter "gallops" to the bathroom every morning).

                        You don't sound like a whiner and I am telling you NOT to listen to that negative crap. It sounds like you are doing everything you can in your limited situation to make this work. You sound like a great kid, I would be PROUD to have you as a daughter.

                        Feel 100% free to print this out and give it to your parents.
                        I've got the 3 things men want. I'm hot, and I'm smart!

                        -The 6th Member Of The Bareback Riders Clique-

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                        • #32
                          I'm going to send you a PM later

                          I am in a comparable situation to you.

                          One of two children (at least in this house) with a single Mom. Mom has enough emotional issues to make my head spin along with most everyone other adult in our lives (and lots of other adults). When I was 15 she told me I couldn't get a horse because I was under age and she would have to sign for it. I would kill it (starving it to death is what she said) and she would get the blame. At the time I was farm sitting two farms, a total of 12 horses.

                          I did get a horse, which I am still amazed at. I can thank my dad who with out a blink said he would send me out, in my head, a very generous sum of money. My mom talked him down a few hundred, severely limiting the funds. The seller was a very generous person (in my head, her ticket to heaven) and took what I had.

                          The deal was that I would pay for my horse, which I do. I also am very independent. Maybe I am bitter or don't have my head on straight, but to me it makes sense that if my mom isn't going to support me financially or emotionally, I am up to my own devices. We sometimes clash on that.

                          Good luck!

                          Comment


                          • #33
                            One does not need to fulfill every whim and fork out funds to support and nurture a child's dream. This is a girl who thinks that because she was nice to her Mother on Mother's Day, she deserves 25 bucks for a riding lesson. Give me a break! How can anyone listen to all this poor me whining and determine that the parents are at fault here? If they're guilty of anything obvious it's only that they've let this poor girl get to 17 years old without any inkling of accountability and self reliance. Give. me. a. break.

                            BTW, if she's been riding most of her life, as she says she has, who paid for everything and how did she get anywhere as a small child? And for how long should they indulge this near adult while she floats along making excuses for why she can't stand on her own 2 feet?
                            "Absent a correct diagnosis, medicine is poison, surgery is trauma and alternative therapy is witchcraft" A. Kent Allen
                            http://www.etsy.com/shop/tailsofglory

                            Comment


                            • #34
                              Jackie, not to be rude, but at 17, her parents DO owe her time, and they do owe her the starting point to be able to function in the world-i.e. teaching her to drive, and making sure that she has transportation to and from school and work (either on a school bus or public transportation that is not a 1/2 walk in the dark.) Money? No, they don't owe her that, but skills yes. I am not talking out the side of my face either. I have 4 daughters and a full time job, train the occasional horse on the side, and I make sure that they have the skills needed to be productive adults. I don't fork out money to them, because frankly, I don't have it. Maybe there is more to this story than we are saying here, but if you have children, I certainly hope they don't read this, as I can only imagine how hurt they would be by your comments.

                              At 17, she should not have to worry about parents reneging on promises unless she is not doing what she should do. A child deserves to know that their parents love them and have their best interests at heart, even if they don't have or wont give them everything (or much of anything).

                              Katie was told that if she got a job, we would make sure that she got to and from it, and I do, everyday.
                              A mama bird does not kick her chicks out of the nest until she feels that they are ready to learn to fly, with at least some idea of success.

                              A.A., talk to your guidance counselor at school. Maybe she can give you some idea of jobs that may be within walking distance. I don't think we have the whole story (there are always 3 sides to it), but I think that you are on the right track, and maybe the talk you had with your mom will bear fruit. Hugs and good wishes to you. BTW, I am proud of your grades, and I don't even know you. School is hard enough if its just academics, then you add all the grief that is highschool, and you have a whole nother ball of wax.
                              http://community.webshots.com/album/548368465RfewoU[/url]

                              She may not have changed the stars from their courses, but she loved a good man, and she rode good horses….author unknown

                              Comment


                              • #35
                                You know, sometimes people really do come from messed up families, controlling parents, abuse (physical and/or verbal) whatever. Whether the OP is giving us an accurate version of her life or not is anybody's guess. If half of what she says is true then I am glad I didn't grow up in her shoes.

                                To the OP:
                                Great advice has already been given. As heart-breaking as it will be, I think the horse should go. Use that money to buy a car, a car for which you do NOT take out any kind of loan for. Get a job, start saving every penny that you can in a place that your parents cannot access or control it (an account with just your name on it or something), finish school, and get the heck out of that house. What if the horse gets hurt again? How will you pay for it? Is having the horse worth continuing to live in this hell indefinitely?

                                I think every thing you do should be done with the goal of moving out. Constantly ask yourself if your actions are bringing you closer to that goal. I hate to tell you to sell your horse, but in the end I truly think doing everything you can to move out and be independent is the best thing given what you have described.

                                You are obviously very smart and capable of doing a lot. Good luck to you!
                                www.retiredhorses.com
                                Blogging about daily life on the retirement farm: http://paradigmfarms.blogspot.com/
                                Paradigm Farms on Facebook

                                Comment


                                • #36
                                  Originally posted by JackieBlue
                                  One does not need to fulfill every whim and fork out funds to support and nurture a child's dream. This is a girl who thinks that because she was nice to her Mother on Mother's Day, she deserves 25 bucks for a riding lesson. Give me a break! How can anyone listen to all this poor me whining and determine that the parents are at fault here? If they're guilty of anything obvious it's only that they've let this poor girl get to 17 years old without any inkling of accountability and self reliance. Give. me. a. break.

                                  BTW, if she's been riding most of her life, as she says she has, who paid for everything and how did she get anywhere as a small child? And for how long should they indulge this near adult while she floats along making excuses for why she can't stand on her own 2 feet?
                                  See what I was talking about? Sounds like she had parents like this girls...the cycle continues....I wonder what excuses she gives/or will give her children when they want to do gymnastics, karate, horseback riding, etc.

                                  And horses ARE NOT A WHIM! Every person here knows they would move heaven and earth for their horse.

                                  And based on what she has done, I would say she is as self reliant as can be! My parents never made me sit in a bus shelter after dark!
                                  I've got the 3 things men want. I'm hot, and I'm smart!

                                  -The 6th Member Of The Bareback Riders Clique-

                                  Comment


                                  • #37
                                    I really do not think she's whining. She really deserves a little more support from her parents, especially since eventually she will need to get around here in a car. We do not have an adequate public transportation system that would allow that. Anyone of you who think she should not be supported in this , what would you do if you did not have a driver's license and a car??


                                    Sorry kid, I'd help you if I could. Sorry you are left hanging like this. Do you know a friend's parent or do you know another adult or relative who would take the time to teach you?

                                    Comment


                                    • #38
                                      I know all about learning how to drive from an verbally abusive father. Lessons ended in tears for me, too. But I did learn, and passed the test. I suggest you focus on your goal of learning enough to pass the test, and just grit your teeth and bear it when your father yells or threatens. You're farther ahead of the situation than I was at your age. You recognize the problem for what it is. I didn't, not until many, many years later. You can not change him, but you can change how you react to him. I think you can do that.

                                      Freedom comes with money -- money to do what you want, when you want. Lay out your goals, and how to obtain them. If you need to get an old beater of a car (after your license), save up for that. Then you will be more mobile to get a better job. Schooling is very important. It is the key to better and better jobs, and more and more freedom.

                                      Best of wishes to you. You can do it!
                                      My Equestrian Art Photography page

                                      Comment


                                      • #39
                                        First positives: Good job on the grades and presumably working off your board. You have the start of a good work ethic here and that is very important.

                                        But, imho, you need to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and not look to others to solve these things for you- you are old enough to do so yourself.

                                        Now, grausame wirklicheit (grim reality) - First of all, get a bicycle or walk/jog to where you need to go within a 5-10 mile range. Even when it rains, snows, cold, heat, etc. Then work any menial job you can- wash cars, walk dogs (train em too), weed gardens, mow lawns, iron shirts, take care of old people, scrub toilets, wash floors, babysit, tutor other kids at schoolwork, whatever!!! At the barn clean tack, strip and bleach stalls, clean the hay loft, clean saddle pads/leg wraps. I bet you can find $25 worth of nasty work that nobody wants to do at the barn (learn to clean sheaths, polish boots [I used to dye them, edge the soles, then spit shine em for the rich ladies where I apprenticed at $25 a pop which took 1-1.5 hrs per pair]). Work work work.

                                        You are lucky to be allowed a horse. Really. Your mom is trying to teach you responsibility, it may be painful but suck it up for a year or 2 til you can move out, pay rent, get a job, etc. Hey you can even serve this great nation that allows us all this freedom by serving in the military (hey you can be a vet tech or dog handler!). Then if that all works you will make some $$, get the GI bill and in some states free college tuition.

                                        Why I am saying toughen up here (even more than you think you have): Fwiw, I did not get a license til after I was 20. I could not afford drivers ed myself at $35 per road lesson. I rode a bike, took buses, trains, paid for rides, whatever. Once I got a license and a car, I got a horse of my own that summer (meanwhile I had 1.5 jobs and was in college full time). I left home and lived on my own or at school at 16 years old. And I worked my tail off. And I rode horses that nobody would ride or were sale horses until then (and won lots on them for the owners)- most of which were a good 5-10 mile roundtrip bike ride, including rides at 6am before school (now that was horrid, I am not a morning person).

                                        You can do it IF you want it. Keep your chin up and go for it. It suck when you are going through it (I do remember the pain to this day) but you will gain alot of confidence and self respect by doing so rather than getting the $$ from someone else, even your Mom.

                                        Kathy & Cadet
                                        Appy Trails,
                                        Kathy, Cadet & CCS Silinde
                                        member VADANoVA www.vadanova.org

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                                        • #40
                                          Originally posted by draftdriver
                                          I know all about learning how to drive from an verbally abusive father. Lessons ended in tears for me, too. But I did learn, and passed the test. I suggest you focus on your goal of learning enough to pass the test, and just grit your teeth and bear it when your father yells or threatens. You're farther ahead of the situation than I was at your age. You recognize the problem for what it is. I didn't, not until many, many years later. You can not change him, but you can change how you react to him. I think you can do that.

                                          Freedom comes with money -- money to do what you want, when you want. Lay out your goals, and how to obtain them. If you need to get an old beater of a car (after your license), save up for that. Then you will be more mobile to get a better job. Schooling is very important. It is the key to better and better jobs, and more and more freedom.

                                          Best of wishes to you. You can do it!
                                          I very much agree with draftdriver - the sooner you can get away the better it will be for you. Nobody deserves verbal abuse - NO-ONE. I have been there and I am still affected by it to this day .And I would ignore all the "pull yourself up by the bootstrap advise". People who give such advise may have been through similar situations and have grown up to be unnecesserily hard on themselves and others. You do what's best for you and you will know.


                                          (((Hugs)))

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