• Welcome to the Chronicle Forums.
    Please complete your profile. The forums and the rest of www.chronofhorse.com has single sign-in, so your log in information for one will automatically work for the other. Disclaimer: The opinions expressed here are the views of the individual and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Chronicle of the Horse.

Announcement

Collapse

Forum rules and no-advertising policy

As a participant on this forum, it is your responsibility to know and follow our rules. Please read this message in its entirety.

Board Rules

1. You’re responsible for what you say.
As outlined in Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, The Chronicle of the Horse and its affiliates, as well Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd., the developers of vBulletin, are not legally responsible for statements made in the forums.

This is a public forum viewed by a wide spectrum of people, so please be mindful of what you say and who might be reading it—details of personal disputes are likely better handled privately. While posters are legally responsible for their statements, the moderators may in their discretion remove or edit posts that violate these rules. Users have the ability to modify or delete their own messages after posting, but administrators generally will not delete posts, threads or accounts upon request.

Outright inflammatory, vulgar, harassing, malicious or otherwise inappropriate statements and criminal charges unsubstantiated by a reputable news source or legal documentation will not be tolerated and will be dealt with at the discretion of the moderators.

2. Conversations in horse-related forums should be horse-related.
The forums are a wonderful source of information and support for members of the horse community. While it’s understandably tempting to share information or search for input on other topics upon which members might have a similar level of knowledge, members must maintain the focus on horses.

3. Keep conversations productive, on topic and civil.
Discussion and disagreement are inevitable and encouraged; personal insults, diatribes and sniping comments are unproductive and unacceptable. Whether a subject is light-hearted or serious, keep posts focused on the current topic and of general interest to other participants of that thread. Utilize the private message feature or personal email where appropriate to address side topics or personal issues not related to the topic at large.

4. No advertising in the discussion forums.
Posts in the discussion forums directly or indirectly advertising horses, jobs, items or services for sale or wanted will be removed at the discretion of the moderators. Use of the private messaging feature or email addresses obtained through users’ profiles for unsolicited advertising is not permitted.

Company representatives may participate in discussions and answer questions about their products or services, or suggest their products on recent threads if they fulfill the criteria of a query. False "testimonials" provided by company affiliates posing as general consumers are not appropriate, and self-promotion of sales, ad campaigns, etc. through the discussion forums is not allowed.

Paid advertising is available on our classifieds site and through the purchase of banner ads. The tightly monitored Giveaways forum permits free listings of genuinely free horses and items available or wanted (on a limited basis). Items offered for trade are not allowed.

Advertising Policy Specifics
When in doubt of whether something you want to post constitutes advertising, please contact a moderator privately in advance for further clarification. Refer to the following points for general guidelines:

Horses – Only general discussion about the buying, leasing, selling and pricing of horses is permitted. If the post contains, or links to, the type of specific information typically found in a sales or wanted ad, and it’s related to a horse for sale, regardless of who’s selling it, it doesn’t belong in the discussion forums.

Stallions – Board members may ask for suggestions on breeding stallion recommendations. Stallion owners may reply to such queries by suggesting their own stallions, only if their horse fits the specific criteria of the original poster. Excessive promotion of a stallion by its owner or related parties is not permitted and will be addressed at the discretion of the moderators.

Services – Members may use the forums to ask for general recommendations of trainers, barns, shippers, farriers, etc., and other members may answer those requests by suggesting themselves or their company, if their services fulfill the specific criteria of the original post. Members may not solicit other members for business if it is not in response to a direct, genuine query.

Products – While members may ask for general opinions and suggestions on equipment, trailers, trucks, etc., they may not list the specific attributes for which they are in the market, as such posts serve as wanted ads.

Event Announcements – Members may post one notification of an upcoming event that may be of interest to fellow members, if the original poster does not benefit financially from the event. Such threads may not be “bumped” excessively. Premium members may post their own notices in the Event Announcements forum.

Charities/Rescues – Announcements for charitable or fundraising events can only be made for 501(c)(3) tax-exempt organizations. Special exceptions may be made, at the moderators’ discretion and direction, for board-related events or fundraising activities in extraordinary circumstances.

Occasional posts regarding horses available for adoption through IRS-registered horse rescue or placement programs are permitted in the appropriate forums, but these threads may be limited at the discretion of the moderators. Individuals may not advertise or make announcements for horses in need of rescue, placement or adoption unless the horse is available through a recognized rescue or placement agency or government-run entity or the thread fits the criteria for and is located in the Giveaways forum.

5. Do not post copyrighted photographs unless you have purchased that photo and have permission to do so.

6. Respect other members.
As members are often passionate about their beliefs and intentions can easily be misinterpreted in this type of environment, try to explore or resolve the inevitable disagreements that arise in the course of threads calmly and rationally.

If you see a post that you feel violates the rules of the board, please click the “alert” button (exclamation point inside of a triangle) in the bottom left corner of the post, which will alert ONLY the moderators to the post in question. They will then take whatever action, or no action, as deemed appropriate for the situation at their discretion. Do not air grievances regarding other posters or the moderators in the discussion forums.

Please be advised that adding another user to your “Ignore” list via your User Control Panel can be a useful tactic, which blocks posts and private messages by members whose commentary you’d rather avoid reading.

7. We have the right to reproduce statements made in the forums.
The Chronicle of the Horse may copy, quote, link to or otherwise reproduce posts, or portions of posts, in print or online for advertising or editorial purposes, if attributed to their original authors, and by posting in this forum, you hereby grant to The Chronicle of the Horse a perpetual, non-exclusive license under copyright and other rights, to do so.

8. We reserve the right to enforce and amend the rules.
The moderators may delete, edit, move or close any post or thread at any time, or refrain from doing any of the foregoing, in their discretion, and may suspend or revoke a user’s membership privileges at any time to maintain adherence to the rules and the general spirit of the forum. These rules may be amended at any time to address the current needs of the board.

Please see our full Terms of Service and Privacy Policy for more information.

Thanks for being a part of the COTH forums!

(Revised 1/26/16)
See more
See less

do i have to choose between my horse and my SO?

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • do i have to choose between my horse and my SO?

    seems that every time $ gets tight my SO starts throwing my horse expenses in my face.
    i don't understand his position. i am willing to take on extra jobs to support my 'horse habit', yet, that's unsatisfactory to him because it takes away from the time i could be spending with him.
    what does he expect me to do? get rid of the horse? that's totally out of the question! knowing what role horses play in my life, why would he get involved with me if he disapproves?
    he's laid off, i'm paying most of the bills and he tells me that he's getting screwed.
    i feel angry and hurt. i support my horse with my $. i pay my share of the bills. i don't see how i'm contributing to his financial distress.
    needed to vent.

    "It appears we are being transformed from an information
    society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
    http://www.eponashoe.com/
    TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique
  • Original Poster

    #2
    seems that every time $ gets tight my SO starts throwing my horse expenses in my face.
    i don't understand his position. i am willing to take on extra jobs to support my 'horse habit', yet, that's unsatisfactory to him because it takes away from the time i could be spending with him.
    what does he expect me to do? get rid of the horse? that's totally out of the question! knowing what role horses play in my life, why would he get involved with me if he disapproves?
    he's laid off, i'm paying most of the bills and he tells me that he's getting screwed.
    i feel angry and hurt. i support my horse with my $. i pay my share of the bills. i don't see how i'm contributing to his financial distress.
    needed to vent.

    "It appears we are being transformed from an information
    society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
    http://www.eponashoe.com/
    TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique

    Comment


    • #3
      Maybe that's a bit extreme.

      Was he more understanding about the horse part of your life before he got laid off? I bet he is feeling insignificant and is blaming it on what he sees as a preoccupation with horses over his feelings.

      (I am leaning towards the Ditch Him side) [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif[/img]

      Friendship is Love without his wings
      -Lord Byron
      "If you would have only one day to live, you should spend at least half of it in the saddle."

      Comment


      • #4
        Get rid of the SO-- More time for horses!! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif[/img].

        Sarah

        "Half the failures in life arise from pulling in one's horse as he is leaping."~ Julius Hare
        ________
        Sarah
        formerly known as Alohamora
        \"Half the failures in life arise from pulling in one\'s horse as he is leaping.\"~ Julius Hare

        Comment


        • #5
          Definitely leaning toward the "ditch him" suggestion.

          Regardless of the reasons, that attitude will not lead to a happy relationship with a horse owner. Sounds like the kind of guy who wants you to make him your whole life, Blechh!
          www.sandbarequinetransport.com

          Proud member of the ILMD[FN]HP and Bull Snap Haters Cliques

          Comment


          • #6
            He got laid off and he's taking it out on you. I wouldn't say it's hopeless, but he has to understand this somehow.

            I do not smirk. But if I did, this would be a good opportunity. - Worf
            The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. Oscar Wilde

            Comment


            • #7
              How hard is he trying to find a job? As a dot-bomb victim myself I can certainly testify that the market is tough, tough, tough right now - but if he is just cruising while you are paying most of the bills, then I don't think it's his place to comment on what you choose to do with your spare time and the money YOU earn. I'm not (yet) saying ditch him, but I don't think you should hesitate to make your feelings known, especially if he is not trying.

              Member: TB Clique, Georgia Clique, Rust TS Clique, Willem FC, DIY Clique, Ebayers Anonymous Clique, Reads Forums At Work Clique, Lawn Ornaments For Life Clique, Jigging Clique
              "The standard you walk by is the standard you accept."--Lt. Gen. David Morrison, Austalian Army Chief

              Comment


              • #8
                I'm in the same boat, but with a husband. Just reading your thread makes me depressed.

                I understand sooooo much. While I can take a job to support my horse addiction (think second job) HE doesn't have the ability to find even ONE job, whether it be at McDonalds, or the Post Office. I'm angry, hurt and moving by the end of the year.

                Let me also tell you to protect yourself, emotionally and mentally. They CAN, like my husband, turn particularly nasty and verbally abusive.

                I have found many women on this BB have experienced the same thing: some separated, some didn't. Just, well, be cautious

                Oh, and BTW. To answer your original question, Yes, sometimes it IS one or the other. You choose.

                Just a thought...
                KT

                Proud member of the SunnieFlax Clique
                P.S. Only 85 days till I pick up my youngster. Yahoo.
                "For God hates utterly
                The bray of bragging tongues."
                Sophocles, Antigone Spoken by the Leader of the Chorus of Theban Elders

                Comment

                • Original Poster

                  #9
                  yeah, i guess he was more understanding when he had a job. and yes, he's trying hard to find another. and it's only been about 3 weeks since he got laid off.
                  i just graduated last may, started working in september. i'm making little $, hoping to make more next year. i haven't gone shopping for myself in forever.
                  some of the bills i'm faced with (credit cards) were for his/our things, like mechanic bills for his truck, couple sports coats for him, etc.
                  i don't want to paint him as a bum (he's not), but i'm hurt that he has such selective memory. if you'd ask him today, he wouldn't remember one damn thing i've done for him or for the house.
                  i wish i were strong enough to just take your advice and ditch him. but we've had a lot of good moments together. it's hard to just leave when it's not always so bad.
                  i think i was kind of anticipating his attack on me. knew it was going to happen. we've had this conversation before. i'm just insane enough to think that it'll get better.
                  this is so stupid! back in august when i had to buy a vehicle i had a choice between a small new compact or a used truck. i thought a truck would be better, because it can be used for hauling and we do a lot of outdoorsey stuff. i discussed it with him and thought we were on the same wavelength. today he told me that i even bought a truck for the horse and what a bad idea that was...

                  "It appears we are being transformed from an information
                  society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
                  http://www.eponashoe.com/
                  TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    out of a couple where only one is into horses, if the other doesn't support, or at the very least UNDERSTAND, then the relationship doesn't last long. Mine didn't. It wasn't due to horses, but during the time I was with him I rode less and less. and then not at all. And since he left, I got a horse, ride several times a week, and I realise what was missing through the time we were together. I never realised I put my passion for horses down to the bottom of the list. I was depressed about it and didn't even know until I put horses back in my life. Now any new guy has to understand that the horse came first, and I'm not giving her up for ANYONE! Now I am true to myself, and I'm happy. Have I mentioned how much I love my horse ?? [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Since I actually care a great deal about my husband and have 2 kids and an old house that seem to require an awful lot of time and money, the choice was relatively easy. I know horses will be a part of my life when the time is right. They've always been in my life, in varying degrees.

                      Saying all that, I too, think "ditch him". Especially if he's always going to pick on something horsey to complain about. It gets worse, not better.

                      ...unless he's the type to be there for you (and your horse) when you are down on your luck...

                      Then it might be worth toughing it out until he's earning a paycheck again.
                      Member, Equine Artist Clique

                      Comment

                      • Original Poster

                        #12
                        what the hell does he expect me to do?!
                        he knows where i stand on this issue. if he's absolutely serious and firm about it, he should just break up with me. and if he's not then what is this all about? just being a pain?

                        "It appears we are being transformed from an information
                        society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
                        http://www.eponashoe.com/
                        TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique

                        Comment

                        • Original Poster

                          #13
                          don't get me wrong. i love him with all my heart. i'm angry right now. this is not a situation that would require this choice under 'normal circumstances'. i can pay my bills. if i have to, i can get a part time job. but he doesn't want that. when i worked at the barn on sundays to pay off my board, he complained that we don't have sundays together.

                          "It appears we are being transformed from an information
                          society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
                          http://www.eponashoe.com/
                          TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Too bad many SO's have the "get rid of the horse" attitude...in my case, I got rid of the SO and kept the horse, yeah $ is t-i-g-h-t (!) here too, but no way could I get rid of my baby (the horse, that is)...I'm with you - I'd do whatever it takes to keep horsin'; and yes, "ditch him" is extreme, but just venting about it helps!
                            However, I agree with the others that if his attitude toward your "horsing" is resentful now, it WILL ONLY GET WORSE. Perhaps he's just in a bad place right now...after all, you didn't just "get horsey"...and sometimes it is easier to place the blame elsewhere...he's unemployed...he'll get another job...things won't suck forever...

                            ***My horse bucked off your honor student!***

                            ~~ Founder: LOFL (lawn ornaments for life) clique~~

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I posted awhile ago about my similar situation except add to it my SO is an alcoholic. Trust me, it does not get better. I have been in my relationship for 14 years and now I am looking back thinking about when the support of my love of horses stopped. It was in the second year of the relationship, you know about the time the glow wears off. I told my SO when we started that if he ever asked me to choose I would choose the horses, since just the fact he asked me to make the choice proves he doesn't really love me. Now he says he can't believe I would choose an animal over a human like I am some kind of freak or something.

                              Anyway, stick to your guns, you have found your personal joy and don't let anyone take it away from you.
                              \"given the choice of a majestic horse and a guy who\'s only part of a horse, I\'ll take the horse any day\"
                              Budweiser commercial

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                But I'm freaking right along with you...I have always chosen animals over humans and I have never been disappointed! Others may not agree, but who cares! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

                                ***My horse bucked off your honor student!***

                                ~~ Founder: LOFL (lawn ornaments for life) clique~~

                                Comment

                                • Original Poster

                                  #17
                                  my SO has been in recovery for 6 years.

                                  "It appears we are being transformed from an information
                                  society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
                                  http://www.eponashoe.com/
                                  TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique

                                  Comment


                                  • #18
                                    Marta,
                                    you have received much wisdom on this thread! Seems that (I'm not a shrink and don't play one on TV), he may feel he doesn't have control over his life since being laid off, and is projecting that unto YOU and is trying to control you by complaining about the horse expense to guilt you into getting rid of the horse, and at the same time get you to spend more time with <him>. Sounds very familiar to me, and IMO, to thine own self be true. It is a lucky and wise person who recognizes what makes them truly happy and has the courage to act on that. If you need horses in your life to be happy, and you are paying the freight for that, then don't give it up for any man. If you don't ditch him now, make a great big mental note about this incident and behaviour and if you see a pattern, Jump on your horse and run, don't walk, away from the SO because it DOES NOT GET BETTER, as has already been said.

                                    And don't worry about venting, ever; through venting, oftentimes the real issues become clear, and once identified, can be dealt with.

                                    Remember, "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."
                                    June
                                    \"The world\'s greatest achievements often happen on the edge of chaos\"

                                    Comment


                                    • #19
                                      Boy do i understand your situation. Anytime money gets tight the first thing cut is my riding, even though I don't own a horse and i was only taking one lesson a week, and he spends more on fast food per week then I did on my one lesson.

                                      Before we met, I was a waitress/bartender, working five evenings a week, had my own horse, rode six days a week. Lately I've been working in restaurant management, where I basically make the same amount of money but work twice the hours. I'd love to go back to waitressing or bartending so I have time to ride in the morning, but his theory is that while surviving on tips you never know how much money you'll make. True, but now I know how much money I make and never have time for anything. My hiney hasn't even been on a horse in almost a year.

                                      Of course, he also thinks that if I am going to ride I should just stick with horses as a career. Not bad in theory but I can't teach a hot dog to sit on a bun, I can't braid, we don't own land to have a boarding stable (not too sure I'd want to do that anyway, especially after reading some posts here) and I'm just not that good of a rider anyway.

                                      He also complains that if I'm involved with horses it takes away from our time together. What time together?!!!? He's a workaholic that doesn't come home until midnight, when I'm already half asleep, and on his day off he sleeps until at least 3 pm, then is a couch potato.

                                      And he kind of pissed me off on my birthday, too. I told him the only thing I wanted to do was see a horse, maybe groom it, hug the horse. Not necessarily ride, since I haven't in so long. I just wanted to spend a little time with a horse, which is something I've done every year. It didn't happen. So, I spent my 30th birthday working, then coming home, doing laundry, cleaning the house, doing dishes, and basically watching him watch tv.
                                      Just because I have a short attention span doesn\'t mean I

                                      Comment


                                      • #20
                                        So, he's now demanding that you forfeit that which gives you so much joy and pleasure - what's he going to demand that you sacrifice in, say, five years time?

                                        Wouldn't think of imposing my opinion on your relationship but would ask, can you live with such a man for the rest of your life?

                                        I don't think the underlying issue is the horse...

                                        Comment

                                        Working...
                                        X