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do i have to choose between my horse and my SO?

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  • You should try and explain to him that horses are part of your ' balance' and make you who are are. It's part of who you are, and it comes with you, regardless of the rest. So he can just deal.

    "We came, we rode, we conquered."
    *Member of the TB Clique, Young Trainers clique and the Disgruntled College Student Clique.*
    \"We came, we rode, we conquered.\"
    *Member of the TB Clique, Young Trainers clique and the Disgruntled College Student Clique.*


    • Your post broke my heart. I know I am young and haven't been in anything close to what you are experiencing, but it seems like what you long for isn't what you have. You need to follow you dream- and it's such an easy dream! ... And any man who isn't going to understand and even TRY to give you what you want is NOT worth it, or what you need.

      "We came, we rode, we conquered."
      *Member of the TB Clique, Young Trainers clique and the Disgruntled College Student Clique.*
      \"We came, we rode, we conquered.\"
      *Member of the TB Clique, Young Trainers clique and the Disgruntled College Student Clique.*


      • I've been there, too.....
        I went from hubby #1 who was tolerant and didn't care how much time I spent with my horse (but we had other issues), to #2 who was a controlling b*stard. #2 kept telling me that we "have to sell the horse" so he could buy another computer, so that I would stay home and spend time with him (I cut my barn visits down to three times a week in an effort to make things better by spending more time with him!). He wanted me to sell my truck and drive a $500 car. He told me that I was a bad horse mom, but on the other hand had a fit when I did go to be with my mare and was there for more than an hour. Everything was "we can't afford it"...even though together we made almost $180k per year, had barely any debt.....oh yeah he wanted me to turn over my paycheck to him too, and he would give me "an allowance."
        I don't think so.
        I left.
        I had my horse before I even knew him, I told him many times that he would "go" before she did. I lived up to my promises, didn't I? [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif[/img]

        You can't have everything. Where would you put it all?


        • Any man I get involved with knows from the start that my animals are the most important thing in my life, and if they can't handle that, too bad! I would rather be single with my loving animals than be in a relationship where I would be miserable because he is jealous of my animals.

          "No matter where you go, there you are"


          • First, I don't think this is about the horse. I think it's about other issues and other feelings and the horse is a convenient screen.

            So...YOU need to decide if you care enough about this man, if he has enough good qualities, to try to work through this. Your options are:
            * let him vent, understand he's using the horse as screen, and go on
            * get help for yourself to determine how to best handle this
            * ask him to get help to get through this
            * get help together

            Personally, I suggestion options 2 through 4 -- one or all of them, ideally all.

            I'm VERY lucky - I have a horse ONLY because my husband supported me in getting back to riding, supported me in keeping my horse when an accident meant I might not ride again, and continues to support my efforts. We just did some financial stuff, and he agreed the horse isn't an asset - he's not for sale.

            We each have things we do together and things we do on our own - horses are my thing. Yes, on occassion the time and money get to be an issue, but I respect that is IS a huge resource-consuming hobby and try to back down at those times.

            It's all about compromise. IF your SO can't compromise on the horse, or uses it at tool to express other frustrations, that can be a major problem. But if you've invested significantly in the relationship and feel you still have a future, don't give ANYTHING - horse or SO - up without trying all you can to work it through.

            Good luck.


            • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AW:
              MeanderCreek, I just shot Diet Coke out my nose!

              That's exactly how I look at it - "If I keep him" like the dogs and the horses. You don't have to keep the ones you don't like!


              That's exactly how I look at it [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] I look until I find one I like, spend some time with it, try it out, see if we're compatible and if so great - if not see ya, better luck next time [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img]

              Life is too short to torture yourself with horses, men, or anything else that intentionally inflicts emotional distress or physical pain!!!

              The only difference between them is that I can keep a string of horses and a few dogs, but one SO is it, and sometimes one of those is one too many [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]



              • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MeanderCreek:

                The only difference between them is that I can keep a string of horses and a few dogs, but one SO is it, and sometimes one of those is one too many [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]


                You rule! The next time I get interrogated over why my relationships don't last and I'm not married, can I refer them to y'all?

                Back to the orginal question, and I guess I'm repeating others, it's not just that "it's not just about the horse" but that,

                if it wasn't the horse, it would be something else, like god forbid, human children. It may be romantic but sometimes, being the center of someone's universe exceeds the levels of fair relationship responsibility.

                Card-Carrying Member o' the Mac Clique
                Card-Carrying Member o\' the Mac Clique


                • Since I have been involved with my boyfriend, I have not owned a horse. I bought a new one this past weekend, and while he seemed excited for me, I wasn't sure how he really felt about it. As a feeler, I mentioned the thread, and the original poster's issue to him. His immediate response was "It has nothing to do with the horse. That argument is a symptom of a deeper issue."

                  I feel blessed that I am dating someone who wants to be involved with horses... while I was horseless, I was riding for a trainer on weekends, and he has come out with me and hacked one of the quiet mares. He ordered a pair of Blunnies straight from Australia, and we bought him a new approved helmet last weekend. He is going to start taking lessons from my trainer so that he can ride functionally in an english saddle (rode western as a kid); I don't want to add a "teacher/student" dynamic to our relationship. There is always a bag of carrots in the vegetable drawer of his refrigerator.

                  I try to give him similar support in his hobbies- he has an old land cruiser that he LOVES. It is 25 years old, the heater doesn't work, the engine has been replaced several times, it is bouncy and uncomfortable to ride in, it smells like burnt oil, doesn't go over 50MPH, and there is constantly something wrong with it. Somehow, though, this vehicle brings him inordinate amounts of pleasure, so I happily ride in it (even though I would prefer the luxury sedan he has garaged in favor of the LC). I will curl up in the front seat while he tinkers with it for hours on end, so that we can chat, or so that I can provide help if he needs it. He tells me every time I do this that I'm "a good sport." Why? Because his ex hated the thing, and actually referred to it as "the b*tch." So he knows all about material objects fronting for deeper problems.

                  I know that if I did not get a horse because it was discouraged by a SO, I would grow to resent them. I also know that, if for some reason, things were not to work out, I will need my mare.

                  The best advice I can give is to figure out what is at the root of the issue, and address it. If you can't address it, get out. You are always better off alone than settling for a bad relationship.

                  [This message was edited by master_tally on Nov. 14, 2002 at 06:42 PM.]


                  • master_tally - it sounds as if you have found a keeper [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif[/img]


                    • Marta, I say this with all the loff I can muster, but girlfriend you have GOT to look at the emerging pattern. This is the SECOND bad relationship you said you've had. Girl, you have ONE life. DON'T look back at it 50 years from now and say "Oh, if only I had not stayed with (insert name)."

                      In your second post on this topic, you said: "i think i was kind of anticipating his attack on me. knew it was going to happen. we've had this conversation before. i'm just insane enough to think that it'll get better. this is so stupid"

                      HelLO, you were ANTICIPATING it, you KNEW it was going to happen and you HAD this conversation before! Sister, it does NOT get better!!!

                      The VERY BEST quote I have heard in ages is "Adversity does not build character, it reveals it." Girlfriend, his character has been revealed and it is not going to change. You are not going to change him. You are not obligated to change for him.

                      Remember the part in "Moonstruck" where Cher smacks Nicolas Cage and barks "Snap out of it!"??? Snap!


                      • Coreene has a very good point: he's not going to change and you cannot change him (nor are you obligated to - referencing our emails earlier this week). The OBLIGATED part struck a chord with me...my ex-SO felt obligated to "change" me in more ways than drinking cessation. Get my teeth whitened (they're NOT YELLOW), lose weight (I'm 5'6 110!), highlight my hair blonder (to what shade? tramp?), wear certain style clothes (like a hooker?) and all the while be the perfect little armpiece!
                        I hung around as long as I did, I think, mainly 'cause of his money...I began a new career (selling horse farms - it bombed) and had time for my horse, but all that didn't make me happy. I just wasn't in love with him anymore. Even tho HE kicked ME out, I don't regret it for a min. And neither does he...until he needs a blonde on his arm...he'll find another!
                        And so will you, if that is what you choose!

                        ***My horse bucked off your honor student!***

                        ~~ Founder: LOFL (lawn ornaments for life) clique~~


                        • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by akrogirl:
                          master_tally - it sounds as if you have found a keeper [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif[/img]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                          I think so. At the present moment, between boy and horse, I feel like the luckiest girl alive. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

                          Marta, you deserve the same thing. You know deep down what the right thing to do is. No one else can tell you what that is. Listen to your intuition, to that little voice in your head, and take action in whatever manner you feel necessary to get yourself on the right track.


                          • well just to give how it can work out, my non-horsey hubby works extra overtime to get extras for me..like big indoor shows [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] and I am starting to talk to someone about selling one of my stallions, he says,"well it is a business" but then points out I don't have to..(but a new truck sure would be nice) [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

                            My point, is be very clear, sit down and make some ground rules, put out both sides, and don't be afraid to say.."I feel that your ...{actions, words etc} are not nice, and you have hurt my feelings. You might be very surprised if you put it out there right there and then, it often stops them in their tracks. ..Worked for me.


                            yeap Effexor was awesome(hubby had injury at work and didn't work for three years) when he got straighten away my mom, put them in my dads porridge until she ran out..she still moans about wanting more..tee hee..let's just say, she is living what life is like if you marry the SO. Here horses live in a barn slowly filling with his stuff so over 3/4 of the stalls are unuseable, only 2 small paddocks left, her trailer has 4 flats, and her towing vehicle is never there, full of his stuff...and her life didn't have to be that way!!

                            Leslie Maurer
                            Jump The Moon Sporthorses
                            Home of Echo Shea (arab sporthorse) and Outrageous Fortune(overo Pinto RPSI)
                            Leslie Dobson
                            Jump The Moon Sporthorses


                            • My husband has decided that what a woman wants is to arrive home after a trip to discover that loving husband has cleaned the house without me making the "honey do" list. He is continually amazed that this makes me so happy, but he remembers.... [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

                              Every time there is a SO vs. horses thread, I am so impressed by the strength of the women on this board. We know what we want, and we know what we won't stand for. Not to say that we haven't made mistakes in the past, but we have grown stronger because of them. Are all women like this, or is it just horsey women?

                              My husband is non-horsey. He'll go to the barn once in a while if we happen to be sharing a car that day, and he goes to about half of my shows and dutifully takes pictures and holds horses and fetches water and is generally wonderful. The money thing is not an issue -- we both make decent money (although he makes more than me) and have an allowance of "fun money" every month.

                              Now and then he gets a bit of horsey jealousy, usually during show season [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img] , or the time when I decided to go to a dressage show instead of the wedding of a girl I didn't really know in another state (I won the high point at the show, at least). But he is proud of my riding, and emails pictures to his friends. He was completely supportive when Sully had to be retired and encouraged me to get another hrose (it was his idea, and we got a hoome equity loan).

                              Agree that the issue at hand is not the horse, though. It's a control thing, as so many other posters have described much better than I ever could. I've been in relationships much like that, although to a lesser degree.

                              And honey, you do NOT have to put up with that.
                              where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?


                              • My first S.O. was controlling and jealous of my interests and controlled me terribly. He hated my horses, and my dog too! I was a dumb 19 year old. He always tried to wedge the horses between us. Was jealous of every moment I spent with the horses, and jealous of all my horse friends. I was an emotional wreck because I tried to balance the horses and the relationship, but the harmony was never there. It was like I had a life with my horses - and a life with my husband - a very dreary life.

                                I didn't realize then I was being controlled, or how weak emotionally I was apart from a relationship in my life. Thank god it didn't last a year, I got the guts to break free - and I spent the next 20 years with my horses and very happy.

                                I am 40 now and am married 9 years to a man who loves horses. (The way to go!) We met on horseback!

                                Marta, if you want horses to be in your life, and you want to spend your life with a man - find one who also loves horses, is FUN to be with, and wants you to be happy too.! Just think how much more fun and happy you would be with someone who shares your passion!

                                Sure you love the guy now, but someone is eventually going to have to go - the man - or the horse! Choose the horse!!!!
                                ~Proud Mom of Pedro, Prairie, Domingo, and Shakespeare.


                                • Last year, when I had the opportunity to buy Mighty Midge, I went to Mr. Midge and said, 'I really want to do this, but it will mean curtailing a LOT of the things we used to do for fun together.' He said to go for it and has never, ever said a word since.

                                  OTOH, I am fully aware that both of us could not have a hobby this expensive and since we are a partnership, I have taken unfair advantage of our disposable income. The fact that he makes more money than I do makes my life with Midge possible,

                                  Just because you're not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
                                  You will not rise to the occasion, you will default to your level of training.