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do i have to choose between my horse and my SO?

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  • Original Poster

    can i e-mail you?

    thank you!
    your words are inspiring.
    i'm going to print this thread and carry it with me. i will use it as confidence booster on as needed basis.

    "It appears we are being transformed from an information
    society to an informant society." Rep. Dennis Kucinich
    TQ(Trail Queen) \"Learn How to Ride or Move Over!!\" Clique


    • #42

      ***My horse bucked off your honor student!***

      ~~ Founder: LOFL (lawn ornaments for life) clique~~

      [This message was edited by gambit on Nov. 12, 2002 at 02:49 PM.]


      • #43
        I don't want to sound rude, but what are you getting out of this relationship? Is it worth the hassle and the self-denial?

        Having an SO who is interested in horses won't make a difference if the SO is just plain chronically unhappy. Been there, done that, paid off all the credit cards.

        I lived with/was in business with/bought a house with a man who was very involved with horses. He began to complain about the amount of time I spent with my one horse, so I cut back to riding every other day to make him happy. He then slept or otherwise ignored during that "together" time. I'd read the newspaper while he slept, and he would complain about the amount of time I spent reading the newspaper. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif[/img]

        Eventually his work with horses started to make him unhappy, so he gave that up. Somewhere along the line, I had this fleeting thought - "Gee, he winds up unhappy with everything. What if someday he decides he's unhappy with me?"

        Well, duuuhh. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_rolleyes.gif[/img] And guess what? He found a woman who was into horses, moved out, and left me with the business and the mortgage to deal with alone. Among his parting remarks were "She's so into horses, she can't stand to not ride for one day!", the implication being that I wasn't as committed a horseperson as his new chickie.

        But the bottom line for you young women out there is that my life turned out soooo much better without him! It was hideous and painful for a year or two, but now I feel like I should thank him for walking out. Not having to be dragged into arguments every day was an overwhelming relief.

        Sometimes you don't realize how miserable a relationship is until you're on the outside looking in.

        HYN - who now has 4 horses, and is very grateful to come home to them at night!


        • #44
          Not one does hers like the horses (and ride!), he encourages the purchase of Dehners. What could be better? [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]


          • #45
            I don't agree that it is a "SO vs. Horses" situation. I think it is a "her vs. him" situatution. Does "he" understand & care about what is important to "her" and does "she" understand & care about what is important to "him." That's what it's all about. (Here, I'm guess she does and he doesn't.)

            There was a time, early in my marriage, when I gave up my horse, so that Mr.GW could go to graduate school. I wasn't making enough money to pay for my horse and it was so important for him to go back to school. I would have never taken my horse over Mr. GW. It was totally my decision, but he really appreciated it, since he truly understood. [Of course this situation is way different from Marta's.] And depending on the circumstances, it could happen again, though I doubt it. I'd still take Mr.GW over the horse. Hektor has NEVER cooked me breakfast!!!! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img]

            I do not smirk. But if I did, this would be a good opportunity. - Worf
            The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. Oscar Wilde


            • #46
              Hah - Camstock - my rant was indeed directing most of the blame onto the horse person (assuming the horse person met one of those criteria).... I guess I didn't mean it to be so one-sided, I just think so many of these bad relationships could be avoided if there were more responsible choices made in dating.

              I guess my point is not that the horse person should do *all* the compromising - or should give up more than the other... My point is that as a responsible adult/horse owner/spouse/parent, a person has to *understand* the consequences and responsibilities of her chosen lifestyle before she *expects* another individual (with his own set of values) to just accept this radical influence.

              The fact is - this *is* a huge expense and will often take precedence over other things like furniture/autos/home improvements/clothing during tight financial times. This *is* a huge investment in time and committment - you can't just leave your horse for a month vacation on your husband's fishing boat. You can't just spontenously not show up for a lesson or neglect to ride just because your spouse wants to do something special. This is not a flexible lifestyle.

              So, having said all that - *I* accept that as the facts of being a horse owner and I'll make those sacrifices. But it is hardly fair of me to choose a BF or Husband who does not fully comprehend this committment and who does not fully support its value. It really is *my* responsibility to fully disclose this to my spouse before taking lifetime vows of marriage.

              Nothing wrong with a person who doesn't value a horse like I do.... there *is* something wrong with me welcoming them into my intimate life and pretending like their values in the matter don't matter.

              So in the case of the irrational control freak SO who choses to throw the horse in his SO's face whenever he is feeling insecure. Dump his ass.

              In the case of the average guy who has committed his life to a woman who is committed to a horse....and who failed to make that clear... that's a shame. I think that happens fairly often.. and just as often the SO might hear the words "this horse is a huge time and expense! beware!" and he may hear "I really like my horse and want to spend time with him, but after I committ to you, sweetie, the horse will no longer be such a big priority."

              Come to think of it - entering a relationship with a horse is not a whole lot different than entering a relationship with a child. Its expensive, a priority, long-term, and necessary to the horse person. Most non-horsey people don't really get that.


              "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
              Proud member of the * Hoof Fetish & the NervousNellieWorryWart* cliques!


              • #47
                Our hunt has a new member, Sister... Good natured, own business, own horse, looks pretty snappy in a hacking jacket. Recognizes that he isn't the best rider in the world (amazing, a person with accurate self-perception. But he isn't a bad rider...), and is coming to school with me Saturday afternoon. What time are you arriving at my place?

                I just happen to know of a prospect at the moment, but usually I'm not on the scout side, I'm your training and acclimation authority, though. I seriously am thinking about writing a half-joking book about it. I've got some stories you would not believe. I think I'd call the book, From Never-ridden to Field Master in 8 Short Years (subtitle: a Woman's guide to easing her man into horsemanship).

                Martha, yep. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif[/img]

                Marta, I hope you don't mind our little levity here. I am pullin' for you. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif[/img]


                • #48
                  I would also take Mr. Spunky over a horse. But then, he would never ask me to choose.

                  "If you feel you had a bad ride, how do you think your horse feels?"
                  \"If you feel you had a bad ride, how do you think your horse feels?\"


                  • #49
                    Humour saves the day when all else fails! [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img]

                    I wish I had had this thread to tuck into my back pocket in '85. The warning bells were going off (or is it the "inner voice" for us Quakers?) but I didn't give myself enough credit to honor them.

                    But I have the scholars, 14 and 12, and they have validated my life every day of their existence BUT I DON'T RECOMMEND TO ANYONE MY LIFE. And the choices I made.

                    And if I see MY son or daughter starting down the same path, why...I'll know why I kept my grandmothers' cast iron frying skillets!!!! Speaking of which and not to change the subject, did anyone else read the article in the NYT this last Sunday on the value of grandmothers??? It was THE BEST.
                    \"The world\'s greatest achievements often happen on the edge of chaos\"


                    • #50
                      We all have it, we don't place enough value on its, oftentimes, greater wisdom; and we often mute it when it tells us something we'd rather not believe.

                      BTW, that little voice is usually also quite astute when buying a horse.

                      Grandmothers...yup, JReed. Didn't read the article but do recall fondly my own grandmother, the first person in my family to embrace Hans, explaining to my resistant mother, "what Korean man would ever treat her as well as he does?".

                      I'd agree with your analogy, Martha, that horse ownership is not unlike parenting - and just as you'd never tolerate a man, who understood from the get go that the children, or horse(s), preceded him, who demands that you sacrifice your children, nor should you a man who insists implicitly that you choose between him and a horse. In that instance, the choice is really abdundantly clear.


                      • #51
                        Somewhere between tragically ending relationships and self denial there is a wide range of help, support, growing up, and recognizing problems and coming up with solutions.

                        The one thing I don't recommend is dumping this guy without fully understanding why you feel the way you do and why he does the things he does.

                        Otherwise you will run into the same problem over and over again.

                        You do deserve a caring, loving relationship and an equal partnership but that won't happen on it's own. Awareness is the first step and you've already taken that.
                        Member, Equine Artist Clique


                        • #52
                          I hope DebS doesn't mean don't dump him *until* you understand it all. I hope she means if you do it, take a deep breath and examine what happened and learn from it before moving on to another.

                          Afterall, I don't have to understand "why" the horse bit me before I slap his nose for it. [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img]


                          • #53
                            JReed! I like a twist on your quote. It's in a U2 song: "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."

                            Gotta love Bono!

                            That has been my motto since I ended a relationship with a control freak several years ago. Leaving was the best decision I've ever made in my life.

                            Marta, do what you must for your long term happiness and health. No man is worth that compromise. Take care of you!!


                            • #54
                              Let's see here, I should be there around 11am? [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img]

                              If I ever get myself a truck and trailer (or preferably a horse van!) I'll need some patient help learning. Or heck, I should just join Moingona and come to the social events!


                              • #55
                                A lot of us are hunting with NRH this Saturday. Email Mary Lynn and ask her if you can come for the brunch... If you need her email, contact me directly and I'll give it to you.


                                • #56
                                  Im not one to give real advice on this matter but I was in this type of relationship. My boyfriend didn't understand why horses were so big of a deal for me. He was the one that every spare moment I had I had to spend it with him. He felt that my job wasn't as big as his so when he came home at 8 I was supost to be all alive and cater to him. If I wanted to go to a show to go see some people localy, or even out of town he would have this fit. Even going on trips to go see my sister was like pulling teeth. The worse thugh was just going out with my friends for a movie or a game of pool.

                                  I one day found myself choosing horses over him and that was because it was something that made me happy. I began working as a assitant to some europeal horse firms. He couldn't see why it made me happy. He was that type of person who had no reality for saveing money but I on the other hand wanted to make money to get myself out of my debts. Debts that would get bigger each time he wanted something. One day after a few months I came home and him and I got into a fight.

                                  See with our situation he moved into my parents house with me shortly after we were dateing. I came home and said well if your makeing 500 a week where is your money and why don't you have an apt. His reponce was that he could move out but he wouldn't be able to spend the same time with me. I then told him if that was so importint then if he showed me he could be finacialy independent than I would see about moveing in with him.

                                  That lasted all of 6 months cause he saw he couldn't suport his needs. It was too far over his head. Him and I became more of friends than anything else. Although he moved back here he lives in the guest area cause my mother was willing to make him a deal. If he came here paid half of what he use to pay then she would take an extra 100 a month and put it away for him. I have one of those mothers who are soft at heart but what she is doing since the money isn't that much to let him live here she has been takeing an aditional 150 out of his rent and putting it aside for him. Atleast he has a roof over his head although we are no longer dateing.

                                  When he was liveing here for free getting him to do anything was impossable. If I was home, I could be so sick and he would tell me he was too tired to go get the grocerys out of the car. I would be the one on the mower mowing on sunday , Mind you im hyper ilergic to grass cuttings, while he was upstairs sleeping. If Ididn't do it it would never get done. I was also the one makeing dinner at night when mom wasn't home cause if I didn't then nither of us would eat. I can't remeber him going grocery shopping either. When I would need a lift someplace or want to go out for an evening with my friends that was a fight waiting to blow up. It was always "Im too tired".

                                  I had few friends when I was with him and would do little things that were geared more for him than me. I like going out and danceing on the occasion but in 3 years I had only done that 2 times with him. His best friend would take me out to places I wanted to go cause he could see my stress. Even that blew up in my face cause I was spending an average of 9 hours a week with Dave and Jon thought I was haveing an affair with him. All Dave was doing was getting me out to go have some fun even if it was only up to Sister Creek for a bottle of the local wine.

                                  At times when I wanted to go out to go do things my car keys would go missing. He would take them and hide them so I wouldn't go out. Oneday my cherokee wouldn't start and he was dumb enough not to think after haveing it just fixed I wouldn't pop the hood. Two of the sparkplug wires were poped off the distributer cap.

                                  The bottom line to this little story is: If your not happy and feel like you matter as much as him then your not in a good relationship. You can try to make your point but somehow he will make you feel smaller. Jon and I now have a healthy brother siter relationship but we both saw how we were hurting each other emotionaly. He knows Ill never come back to him but he now makes the effort to do more things I enjoy doing.

                                  He is also good to have around cause since I can't drive because of various meds Im on it is nice to have a driver to toat my butt around when I want to go.

                                  All I can hope for is he becomes who he wants and makes it worth while the sacrafices he made to get there.
                                  \"I\'m going to go see a horse about a man\" - Unknown


                                  • #57
                                    >>I hope DebS doesn't mean don't dump him *until* you understand it all.

                                    ..and up to him, really.

                                    I guess I'm coming from the perspective of someone trying to work it out and trying to understand it all (with the relationship in tact). So far it's been worth the effort.

                                    Sometimes slapping a nose is all you need [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_wink.gif[/img], you don't have to sell the horse.
                                    Member, Equine Artist Clique


                                    • #58
                                      ah...(gulp) who is U2???????? My pediatrician, after she met my ex, gave me a button to wear that had on it, "a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle". It was like a campaign button. I still have it but didn't cherish it the way I do now, until years later. She gave it to me in '88; we lay down our marriage in '98....

                                      How do the Italians always KNOW? [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img] [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_razz.gif[/img]

                                      \"The world\'s greatest achievements often happen on the edge of chaos\"


                                      • #59
                                        I believe Gloria Steinem coined that infamous phrase [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_smile.gif[/img].


                                        • #60
                                          I get it now, DebS. And I'm not in Marta's shoes, so I don't know for sure. But the evidence to me points to an ownership transferral for this "horse". [img]/infopop/emoticons/icon_biggrin.gif[/img]

                                          The "fish without a bicycle" predates U2. I think it is more of a Gloria Steinem era thing.

                                          [This message was edited by Camstock on Nov. 12, 2002 at 03:52 PM.]