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How do you deal with it when you didn't get a chance to say goodbye?

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  • #1

    How do you deal with it when you didn't get a chance to say goodbye?

    I am sorry but the tears are still rolling down my face as I type I hope this makes some sense.

    My mom just called to tell me that the old man was put down 10 mins ago she too in tears. They had him since I was a kid born on their farm 30+ years ago. He was the biggest pita around the last year could not keep him in a pasture electric, wooden, stalls, you name it he would find a way out.

    The last straw was this morning when he decided to once again break into the feed room of the barn (5th time in the last 2 months) not only smashing the metal gate but also the Kabota RTV on his way through. So my parents made the call that he was just getting to be to much to handle anymore. At 30+ he has done more damage in a year than most horses could do in a lifetime.

    I don't think this horse was a stupid horse I think he was just a really smart horse when he put his mind to do something it was going to get done even if he killed himself trying. Trust me I watched him break a stall door down a month ago because he did not want to be in there he just pushed until it gave way.

    He was a purebred arabian always one of the first ones to greet you in the group. I rode him as a kid he was never more than green broke but if you jumped on him bareback you could go all day without a problem. As soon as you tried a saddle you were on the ground as soon as you got on. He was an escape artist in his younger days too just not like the last year.

    Sadly I can't even remember his Reg. name we have called him Turd for the last 30 yrs. I guess he really was a turd though so it really fit him well.

    Thanks for listening to me ramble on It just makes me feel better to get it out. I have nobody to call that would really care. I probably made my mom more upset because I yelled at her for not giving me the chance to say goodbye. I understand her reason to do this as it was getting to be way to much and if he ever broke out the other horses it could turn out tragic. For the last 8 months he had to be by himself for fear of such an event. He never even broke out to be with other horses always got somewhere to break things.

    I guess I will call my mom now that I have most of it off my chest and tell her sorry and if there is anything I can do I'm sure this is hitting her harder than I.
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  • #2
    I will confine myself to sympathizing with you, since you apparently had no say in the matter.

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    • #3
      I left Dobbin at the vets office with a "everything will be fine". 13 hours later that horse was gone. Being there wouldnt have made a hill of beans.

      Anger is one stage of greif, guilt is another.

      Sorry for your loss.
      “Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things.” Peter Drucker

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      • #4
        Sympathies to you and your Mom. It's never easy to lose our faithful long time friends.

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        • #5
          Any 'goodbye' is a heartbreak. Hugs to you and all who loved him so long, and so well. I am one, who does believe that the arab can be oh so smart, and often too much so for their own good. Your guy seems to have fit that mold. Again, with any horse, the knowledge of their personality and how it will impact their safety is something specific.
          It seems in this case, it was time, and the love you all had for him was what was paramount.
          He was a lucky horse...well loved and well known.
          ayrabz
          "Indecision may or may not be my problem"
          --Jimmy Buffett

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          • #6
            Say your goodbye's now. I promise you he will hear it. Say anything and everything you want including thank you.
            McDowell Racing Stables

            Home Away From Home

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            • #7
              Remember and go forward

              Yeah, this makes me cry, too.

              So remember your great Turd.

              Call your mom, apologize, and then explain what she should do next time.

              Promise yourself to Pay Forward to any horse you meet in the future what your horse taught you. That's how you keep is memory alive, positive and useful.

              I have many horses in my past who I always acknowledge in a footnote when I meet a new one who will benefit from what those guys taught me. It feels great to acknowledge them.

              Best wishes!
              The armchair saddler
              Politically Pro-Cat

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              • #8
                I can only say I'm sorry for your loss and understand how tough it must be to not have had a chance to say goodbye.

                My daughter did not ge the chance to say goodbye to Trav either. She was away at school and had to leave class to hear the news, and he was just in too much pain for me to wait for her to get home from 3 hours away. They grew up together, and it was very obvious that he was 'her' horse and she his 'person' from the first time she rode him. I would get a lump in my throat every time I saw them together. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do as a mom, to tell her I couldn't wait, but she understood that he needed to freed from his pain as soon as possible.
                Lowly Farm Hand with Delusions of Barn Biddieom.
                Witherun Farm
                http://witherun-farm.blogspot.com/

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                • #9
                  Sounds like he was a charater... Godspeed Turd.

                  Give your mom a call, apologize for snapping at her and have a long conversation reminiscing over the good old days with Turd.
                  \"For all those men who say, \"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,\" here\'s an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it\'s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.\"-

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                  • #10
                    I am so sorry for your loss....

                    I never got to say goodbye to my first horse (not pony). He was older, he fell and paralyzed his back and had to put down while I was working a night shift.

                    My mom called me on my way home from work. He had already been taken. The hardest thing for me was not being able to bury him on our property like the rest of horses who passed. He was a hero to me and it was the hardest thing I ever went through.

                    I sat at home for 2 days and cried and thought about him. My friends dragged me out to a club and I drank my face off. Surprisingly, it did help.
                    It was having great friends that got me through it. I will always regret not being there, but I know Westie got my kisses in heaven.
                    https://www.youtube.com/user/jealoushe

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by mvp View Post
                      Yeah, this makes me cry, too.

                      So remember your great Turd.

                      Call your mom, apologize, and then explain what she should do next time.

                      Promise yourself to Pay Forward to any horse you meet in the future what your horse taught you. That's how you keep is memory alive, positive and useful.

                      I have many horses in my past who I always acknowledge in a footnote when I meet a new one who will benefit from what those guys taught me. It feels great to acknowledge them.

                      Best wishes!
                      Great post.

                      My first horse was retired to a friend's farm when I went to college. He colicked and had to be put down while I was away. I remember being so incredibly sad when my friend called, that I did not get a chance to say goodbye to him. I hung on to it for many years, and tried desperately tried to fill the hole that was left in my life and my heart.

                      When another special horse passed ten years later, as quickly and unexpectedly, I was glad to have the opportunity to say goodbye. But that didn't make the loss any easier.

                      They all leave different impressions on our life, and it is hard to measure one against the next. I will admit some are more special to us than others.... and all we can do is what MVP says.... take what each has given you, and pass it along to the next. It is the best way to honor memory of those who have passed.

                      Hugs to you and your family at this time. My thoughts are with you.
                      We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Sakura View Post
                        Sounds like he was a charater... Godspeed Turd.

                        Give your mom a call, apologize for snapping at her and have a long conversation reminiscing over the good old days with Turd.
                        Yep! Or better yet, see if you can go over to see her. Some cookies or cake and a pot of coffee or tea (more potent beverages not excluded)

                        But being there, saying the good byes is also not easy. I took my cat to the vet and the PTS part was not as easy and peaceful as I had hoped. So do your crying, and find more of the great moments to share with his friends! Seems like you got nearly 30 years of material, he seemed to have been prolific in this department!


                        Hugs to you and your Mom (probably Dad as well, but most guys hide it better...) and god speed to 'Turd'

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                        • #13
                          I cried for three hours straight. Not that it really helped much, but it helped a little. He collapsed in his paddock and died in his stall, it wasn't even a question of opting to put him down. I was 900 miles away and even if I'd flown I could never have gotten there. I still feel like I let him down.
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                          • Original Poster
                            #14
                            I thank you for all the nice things said. It has actually put a smile on my face when people are calling him Turd. It just seems so wrong that all these years that was his nickname.

                            This is the hardest Euth. I have had to deal with. 6yrs ago we put down my once in a life arab "Rhappy" at 18 but she was in pain you could tell she was ready to cross the bridge. I was upset then just not like now.

                            This one I think hits hard because even though he was old I don't think he was ready, he was always happy for attention didn't act old at all. His only fault was that he would break out of anything he was put in. I know in reality that this was for the best as he was eventually going to get into trouble by getting everyone out or getting hit in the road possibly hurting someone.

                            My parents knew it was time. Broken gates, fence torn down board included, I swear he had no feeling left electric had no effect on him when that was tried. Some of the spaces he squeezed into still just amaze me at 5'9 and 140 lbs I had trouble getting into those spaces and he was not a small arab 15.2hh and average wt. It got to the point that once a week I would expect the call saying he had gotten out again. We would all laugh about it because out of 16 other horses at their house he was the only one full of trouble. I only figured that when the call came that he was gone, he would of been at fault or at 30+ his age would of taken him

                            I have my own place now, my own horses you would think I would have taken this a lot easier than I am. The worst part of it was the last time I seen him I wasn't his favorite person that day as I helped my mom worm everyone.

                            I didn't get a chance to say sorry to mom as she stayed outside until leaving for work. My dad and I talked about it some and we came to believe that Turd was 33-35 mom would know his reg. name and real age. He was older than I, I am 28 and my dad said he was boarded at another farm for 4-5 years before I was born. He atleast lived for the most part a full and happy life. He will be missed!

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                            • #15
                              I am very sorry to hear about Turd. I lost my best buddy due to a pasture accident, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I know it is hard to believe now but it does get easier, albeit the sadness never goes away completely. Just try to remember the great, long life Turd had with people who were good to him and loved him, and be grateful that when the time came that the decision had to be made that he was healthy, happy and free from pain.

                              Hugs to you and your family.

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