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I lost my horse...and I can't seem to ride again

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  • #21
    Well, I think slc has made a couple of points…not quite the way I would, but still…

    You say you want to be more involved, but can’t bring yourself to do so. That’s inner conflict, and it’s been going on a long time now. If, after nearly a year, you’re still fighting yourself, it might be time to seek a bit of counsel. No big deal, no shame in it. Grief is an incredibly strong experience, and sometimes time doesn’t take care of it completely all by itself. Sometimes it takes some active working out-- through therapy.

    If you really want to be more involved and get back to horses more intimately, talk to a counselor of some sort and work through what’s holding you back.

    If you really don’t want to be more involved; if you’re really feeling that you’re done with, or need to be away from, horses for now, forever, or just for some time, then give yourself permission to do that, too. Get all the way out, though. Don’t torment yourself with your maintenance of the retirees. Give yourself a chance to get out and get over it.

    In any case, condolences on your loss and best wishes for a healthy outcome.

    Comment


    • #22
      Originally posted by JerseyGirlEQ View Post
      It's been almost a year since lost my horse (April 19th) and I would have thought by now that'd things would be getting easier and that maybe I'd want to ride again. I get close, try to set up a lesson, go look at barns, etc and when it comes down to it I just can't bring myself to ride. I work weekends at a barn taking care of a couple of retired girls which doesn't bother me but it doesn't involve much interaction with the horses besides dumping feed in and sending them outside...but anything beyond that I just can't bear to do it Grooming, lunging, tacking, riding, anything...I just don't even want to handle a horse and its killing me. I WANT to ride and be with horses, I don't feel like my life is complete without that involvement yet I completely shut down around them anymore. I don't know where to even start to get out of this funk
      You just have to go through the grieving process. Sometimes it takes a long time. After I put down my mare, I was going to get out of horses altogether. But I had her year old filly. If I hadn't, I may not have gone back. Give yourself time. I didn't even register that my horse was actually gone until about a month later. My mother had been crying regularly for weeks and I didn't cry. I was numb to the whole thing. I had my mare for eleven years and went through so much with her. After it hit me, I went into a big depression. I'd cry at all kinds of things. It was hard even to visit her baby who was out in pasture. But eventually I came around. It took a long, long while though. I'm so glad I didn't sell her filly, now a four year old, that I'm having a blast with. Freakily, she looks exactly like my mare, down to her socks and blaze.

      So give yourself time to really feel it. I'm sorry you had this experience. Maybe a year isn't long enough for you. Everyone's different.

      Comment


      • #23
        I lost mine too. In November. I didn't know how to get back on...but I did. I didn't really want to partboard. But now I am. And I do it. And it is not the norm, but I am around them. I never thought I would want my own again. But PBing has taught me how MUCH I want my own again. To nurture and to love. The hurt never goes away completely. But it does make you stronger. It makes you understand that they are so fragile yet irreplaceable. Try it. Get on again. It may feel weird and wrong at the time, but it will grow to be right.

        Hugs to you. We all mourn when we lose our best. And that mourning is different for all of us.

        LL
        Member of the Standardbreds with Saddles Clique!
        LouLove - OTTB - 1992-2008...miss you my pretty red girl...
        Wilde! NEW - OTTSTB - 2004 Gelding...my heart's new journey...

        Comment

        • Original Poster

          #24
          Hey thanks so much for more support. Its nice to talk to people who really understand the loss I feel. Its hard to take this problem to someone outside of the horse world, hell even people within the horse world just don't understand the loss I feel for my horse. He was my life for so many years when I had nothing else. I was a loner teenager and my days were spent just trying to get thru my school day and to the barn to see him as soon as I could...he was everything my world revolved around him. It leaves such a void without him.

          I went to a party the other night with my boyfriend and ended up meeting another girl who rode and through talking discovered she had lost her "world" also. We spent the better part of the night just talking about her horse and mine, sharing stories. I had planned to try out a horse that weekend and was debating on canceling but she really insisted I go and give the horse a fair chance. She had two other horses at home and altough they weren't hers like he was shes better for having them.

          I tried out a TB gelding on Sunday afternoon. The barn is within 10 minutes of my house, has all the amenties (indoor, outdoor, drsg ring, trails) and a great trainer. I loved the horse on first ride, and was really happy to be in the saddle. I really enjoyed the horse so I committed to a lesson with the barns' trainer next week. If all goes well in the lesson I'm prepared to sign the lease agreement and sign up for regular lessons...and i'm EXCITED about it!

          Comment


          • #25
            You're still mourning; that conflicts with what you've GUESSED you'd feel by now and your desire to please your new acquaintance. Do NOT sign contracts for horsey stuff at this point. Wait until YOU feel it's right; don't let her "really insist," as you said, that yu do things, no matter HOW much you want to please her so you have a sympathetic ear to talk to. In fact, don't let ANYONE "really insist" that you do things. They are YOUR feelings, about YOUR horse, and NO ONE ELSe can POSSIBLY know what it's like OR what stage grief you're in.

            Comment


            • #26
              Four years ago I lost all my horses in a barn fire. It was the most horrible thing I have ever had to deal with. After laying them to rest (there were 21 horses in all that were lost) I went off the deep end. These horses were my whole life and livelihood. I swore I would never ride again, and became completely closed off. It was a very scary situation for me and my family.

              My husband (who is not a horsey person) contacted my trainer at the time and talked to her about my mental status. She told him I had to get back in the saddle and in the barn. She knew it was in my soul to be there. So, they started the search for a new horse for me. Long story short, my hubby started just taking me to the barn by surprise. I didn't want to even touch anyone, but that passed sooner than I thought it would. The horses drew me in. They helped me open up and start to come to terms with everything.

              A month or so later, my hubby took me on a long drive to a barn in southern NJ. When we got there there was a collection of horses waiting for me. Apparently, my trainer and he had been shopping without me and put together this group for me to try. In the end I found an incredible TB gelding that he ended up buy for me. And a new bond started to form. But, I still cry for my lost horses on any given day.

              So, in the end, I guess my point is that you will mourn your loss for as long as you need to. But, have faith. And, the soul of a horse can be one of the most powerful healing and coping tools we have. I don't want to think of where I may have gone if my husband and trainer hadn't helped me realize that. Best of luck to you, and God bless.
              Drop the drama and ride!

              Comment


              • #27
                Originally posted by JerseyGirlEQ View Post
                I tried out a TB gelding on Sunday afternoon. The barn is within 10 minutes of my house, has all the amenties (indoor, outdoor, drsg ring, trails) and a great trainer. I loved the horse on first ride, and was really happy to be in the saddle. I really enjoyed the horse so I committed to a lesson with the barns' trainer next week. If all goes well in the lesson I'm prepared to sign the lease agreement and sign up for regular lessons...and i'm EXCITED about it!
                That's great news! Keep us posted!
                Member of the Standardbreds with Saddles Clique!
                LouLove - OTTB - 1992-2008...miss you my pretty red girl...
                Wilde! NEW - OTTSTB - 2004 Gelding...my heart's new journey...

                Comment


                • #28
                  JerseyEQGirl,

                  I TOTALLY understand how you feel. I lost my horse-of-a-lifetime in November and am still having a hard time. I had prepared myself for so long (she was 31 when she passed - and, heck, I even wrote a book about horse loss!!) but the loss is just so great. I am fortunate to have another wonderful horse, but since Chutney passed, I lost my interest in riding. I still hang around the barn all of the time and dote on my mare, but I had no desire to ride.

                  Finally, last weekend, I rode a friend's horse, and I think I finally got my "spark" back. There is nothing like the feeling of being in the saddle. I now am meeting with a trainer to start taking some lessons again. I'm just taking it slow.

                  Loss is tough. Please know that you are not alone!

                  ((((HUGS)))
                  Kim
                  In loving memory of Chutney (1977 - 2008)

                  Comment


                  • #29
                    There are so often threads about people going into a deep depression of mourning for their horses on the COTH. While I know each person is different in how they deal with grief I also know you have choices to make when life throws you a curve. You can choose to create a life around sadness and grieving or you can choose to allow yourself those feelings while still creating a life going forward.

                    We recently went through a really bad period in life. We lost our two older horses to infirmities of old age one had been with us for 29 of his 39+ years, the other died unexpectedly. We had figured on many more years for him. We spent a lot of time finding 'the new guys' and worked hard at letting them be our new horses, not replacement horses. Just as we were finding our way to a strong bond, when a barn fire changed life again. We lost one horse and the other was severely burned and would require a LOT of rehab to survive

                    After the fire, we had to decide which direction to take with Alex. He had burns over at least 30% of his body and he was about 7 yo. While the vet told us he appeared to be healing amazingly well, we had to think hard about what was the right thing to do... were we doing things for his best interest? or ours? At the end were we going to end up with a medically needy, unrideable horse? Was that for the best?

                    By his actions, Alex pretty much told us he was planning on getting better and we were welcome to come along for the ride - or be left behind. We decided to go along for the ride, with the stipulation that the vet was to be brutally honest if she thought we were going too far. We've never regretted the decision, though there were certainly times we were jealous of the folks who's horses were uninjured and even the ones who lost horses but could move on with no physical reminders. For us it was hours of treatments every day for the first year and even 4+ years later there are treatments several times a week to support his skin. So the fire is in our face much of the time even today.

                    Alex did recover and the bond between us is amazing. He has moved on with few mental scars and unfortunately some physical ones. He enjoys people and his job as a driving horse and as far as we can tell is more than content with life. We've taken him on occasion to work with people living with life altering burns and he's been very successful in connecting with them and leaving them better for the meeting. He's taught us many lessons about life

                    In choosing life for Alex, we also chose to celebrate every small victory rather than dwell on sadness. it was a deliberate choice we worked on every day until it became a habit and then a belief. We surrounded ourselves with positive energy and try to find something good coming out of whatever bad we are dealing with rather than dwelling on the down side. Sounds and sometimes feels rather Pollyanna-ish, but it works most of the time and is a much more powerful position to be dealing from.

                    Watching/hearing about people who dwell on their losses, I've come to appreciate those cultures that have set up processes for dealing with loss. I have other cultural friends who have talked about how their culture deals with death and I think its a helpful guide to help people survive loss. In both cultures, there is a relatively brief period of deep mourning where it is expected and accepted that you will be a complete mess. This is followed by a year of following certain steps leading you through to the first anniversary. At that point ceremonies mark the time to come back to life. While the person is not forgotten, you are expected to allow them to pass along and give yourself permission to move on with your life. Always seemed healthier then the Queen Victoria permanent mourning that seems to be the norm for so many now.

                    Here's how I try to deal with loss now. Maybe it will help you too.

                    Indian Prayer
                    When I am dead
                    Cry for me a little
                    Think of me sometimes
                    But not too much.
                    Think of me now and then
                    As I was in life
                    At some moments it's pleasant to recall
                    But not for long.
                    Leave me in peace
                    And I shall leave you in peace
                    And while you live
                    Let your thoughts be with the living.



                    He is Gone

                    You can shed tears that he is gone,
                    Or you can smile because he lived,

                    You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
                    Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

                    Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
                    Or you can be full of the love that you shared,

                    You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
                    Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

                    You can remember him and only that he is gone
                    Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,

                    You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your back,
                    Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

                    These seem the best way to honor those you love. Not to hold them in deep, unending sorrow.

                    Think about it... what if your hanging on to grief does keep him or her near - but doesn't allow them to cross the Rainbow Bridge until you let go

                    Comment

                    • Original Poster

                      #30
                      Bummed :-(

                      So we've hit a road block and i'm pretty bummed out about it. The horse I tried out and had planned to lesson on this week got injured. The vets coming to check him out tomorrow. I hope all goes well and leasing him will still be possible. I really enjoyed the horse and thought he'd be fun. I'm hoping for the best tomorrow for him and its no big deal.

                      ...maybe I'm just not meant to do this :-(

                      Comment


                      • #31
                        My dream horse came to me after I had a serious riding accident and didn't think I'd ride again. He was a BEAUTIFUL Rose Grey TB gelding who was just he right height, just the right age and just the right temperment. He was so smart and moved so well. He was off the track for being just too slow. His name was Ernie. And he lived up to a goofy name too. He had more personality than many people I know. He and I bonded so closely that I could just read his facial expression and know what he was thinking or what he wanted. He and I were one of those 'once in a lifetime' partnerships. I showed him for a few years in Atlanta before taking him to college with me. He didn't adapt well to South Georgia due to the thick deep sand. He was chronically lame and it drove me crazy. He was always on stall rest and I was always having to hand walk him. We got back into the swing of things after I moved him to a barn with better fields. Unfortunately my grades began to suffer due to being on the Equestrian team so my father told me that he was going to take Ernie back home until I graduated. "He'll be here waiting for you" he told me. I drove him home, VERY angry at my father. 6 months later, it was Christmas time and I came home to visit him. My last memory of him was of him running across a 150 acre field, barefooted, sound as can be. He came running to get his Christmas Peppermints.

                        1 week later I got a call from the stable owner. He'd found Ernie laying down in the field. He'd gone over to nudge him to get up and Ernie flung his legs out as if to get up, but when he launched, his back feet didn't do anything. By the time the vet got there, he couldn't put his front feet out. When my father got there, he couldn't sit up. I was given the task of deciding whether to drive the 3 hours back to Atlanta to be with him or to let him go early.

                        I had to let him go. It took me almost a year before I decided to buy another horse. I figured I'd buy a young horse to break and train and resell. That horse filled such a void in my life and I'll never be able to repay him for that.

                        However, I also know that I'll never be able to love another horse the way I loved Ernie. I tear up every time I think of him, talk of him, look at a picture. It'll never heal. And that's okay. I know that Ernie would be pissed if I wasn't giving other horses peppermints. I fell like it's my job to love others as I loved him. One day I'll be with him again and I know he's waiting for me.
                        Iron Star Equestrian

                        Heels Down, Eyes Up, Plan Ahead

                        Comment


                        • #32
                          One more thing...

                          a friend gave me this poem when Ernie died, it was given to her when her horse died, and now I give it to you:

                          Never think of me as dead,
                          I've just gone on ahead,
                          And the love you gave to me
                          I will carry through eternity.
                          Keep me always on your mind
                          By loving others of my kind.
                          Do not linger in your grief,
                          Just hold onto this belief.
                          That when it's time for you to head this way
                          I'll be waiting for you on that day.
                          Iron Star Equestrian

                          Heels Down, Eyes Up, Plan Ahead

                          Comment


                          • #33
                            I happened across this thread searching tonight. I had forgotten about it. Jerseygirleq was my old logon.

                            It's been almost 4 years now since I lost my gelding, Alston...and I hate to say it but I'm still struggling with it. I've tried to get back into horses, taken chances on horses, and its all been disappointing. A friend gave me a gelding, loved him and then he completely killed my confidence so I gave him back. Took on a mare who I thought was really working out but after 2 years with her it's very clear the bond that I love so much about riding just doesn't exist...at least not from her end. I can't even catch her in the field. And then I always go back to Alston never ran from me, he always came to me, he never seemed to grudge coming in to be groomed or going for a ride. I think the biggest problem with my current horse, is that she's not him. Its been so disappointing, and I've decided to find her a new home. My other gelding, Hawk returned to me after a lease. But I never had time for two horses and he never came back into shape. He's retired now. I guess maybe I wasn't ready, and jumping in again too soon only made things worse. Keeping the mare at Alston's old barn, in his old stall, and even in the field where he passed is only adding to the reminders. I still miss him terribly At this point I don't think I'll ever want to own a horse again. I'll place my mare, let Hawk just enjoy his retirement. If I decide to ride again there is always leasing.

                            Comment


                            • #34
                              Oh dear, I do know the feeling.

                              I had two TBs who might as well have been the same horse, in a lot of ways. Never did really get over losing the first, and just lost the second one in November.

                              I'm finally riding regularly, taking lessons and enjoying them. But I've not gotten attached at all to my current horse, and while she is lovely in her own right.... she's not them. I try not to hold that against her, but it is hard sometimes. Especially since she is the *total opposite* of them. I thought it'd be "easier" if I had something that reminded me nothing of them. Which has turned out to be a mistake, really, because I find I like familiarity....

                              Wish I had some words of wisdom. I think the best thing you can do is try to go easy on yourself. Ride if you want to, but don't beat yourself up if you *don't* want to.

                              Losing a good horse is like losing a friend and a partner, I think.
                              We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.

                              Comment


                              • #35
                                My best friend. I don't have any human friends left from high school. I don't have any that I'm that close with. I have my bf who without him idk what id do. But losing Alston has been harder then I ever imagined.

                                Comment


                                • #36
                                  (((HUGS)))
                                  HAS provides hospital care to 340,000 people in Haiti's Artibonite Valley 24/7/365/earthquake/cholera/whatever.
                                  www.hashaiti.org blog:http://hashaiti.org/blog

                                  Comment


                                  • #37
                                    Aw dear!

                                    You have to remember for your last heart horse to be that caliber he will stand out and be that special horse.

                                    You may never have that exact bond again... But you will have different bonds

                                    I had a horse that ran to me everytime he saw me and even neighed at me like I was so special

                                    My mare now always looks like I am too much work to bother with when I first go to get her out...

                                    But funny part is that I smile most every ride her and she just puts those ears up and work work WORKS her heart out like she really loves our time together too

                                    Its different... But great!

                                    It took me some time to find her, and you have to keep looking
                                    ~~Member of the TB's Rule Clique ~~
                                    http://www.off-breed-dressage.blogspot.com/

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