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Divorce and horses.

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  • Original Poster

    #41
    So who is up for a trip to the Rolex.
    I've never gotten to go because it was the same week as Taladega. I couldn't leave because he had to go to the redneck, drunk fest with strippers and I needed to stay and feed his police dogs.

    Comment


    • #42
      I remember once having a fight with my hubby outside and yelling to him "don't make me choose between you and Jake - cause you know you'll loose!!" He replied he would never make me choose as he knows how much I love him...and he loves him too!

      Wow, the look on the neighbors who now believe that I have a guy on the side named Jake, and that we're into some kinda kinky three way....

      Hang in there honey - just remember - if they have one - they can be one!!
      "A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority." Rick Warren

      Comment


      • #43
        agree here. It can work out just fine if your mate does not ride..but they need to have their own "thing" and each needs to be supportive of the other.
        ABSOLUTELY Agree with this statement. They just cannot be waiting at home for you .... They have to have their own passion of something.. golf, fishing,boats, airplanes, etc. but SOMETHING!
        Pao Lin

        Comment


        • #44
          "Hang in there honey - just remember - if they have one - they can be one!!"

          Hey cool, I tried it and it worked for women too!...they have one and can be one! Pretty neat when things are Karmic like that.

          I just can't fathom anyone caring that little about their dog as Smilton's lowlife did. Sure wasn't a big loss when he left. At least that makes it easier...there isn't much of a void when they leave...well, gotta' admit, I did miss the economic security of never having to worry about money...but it just wasn't worth the emotional evil and abuse.
          "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"

          Comment


          • #45
            Originally posted by smilton View Post
            So who is up for a trip to the Rolex.
            I've never gotten to go because it was the same week as Taladega. I couldn't leave because he had to go to the redneck, drunk fest with strippers and I needed to stay and feed his police dogs.
            (Now that is sad...I think Rolex is so much closer to you and probably cheaper as well )

            Sounds like a fun destination!

            Comment


            • #46
              Originally posted by SUECLOUDY View Post
              I looked at my soon to be husband told him we had to leave the New Years Eve Party and go find an emergency Vet to stitch up my ornery cat. He had no problem with that at all and stated that we can always go to another party but the cat needs us now. I knew then that I had a keeper.
              .
              Sounds like my husband this past weekend. One of our cats suddenly got very ill. Woke him up and said "We need to go to vet. Kitty is too sick for me to take her alone. You're driving." Mr Littleum does not appreciate being woken early on the weekends.

              He got up, got dressed, saw poor wretched kitty and not a word about the early hour.

              To make this HR: got an email from friend who had my old pony had died very suddenly. Wasn't my pony anymore (still loved him) and I was really, really sad about it. Mr Littleum immediatly hugged me anyway. A lesser man would have said "Why do you care? It's not your pony anymore."

              I believe a great deal can be told about people in general (especially our mates) with how they deal with animals. Especially vunerable animals that NEED something from them.
              "The nice thing about memories is the good ones are stronger and linger longer than the bad and we sure have some incredibly good memories." - EverythingButWings

              Comment


              • #47
                The horses can also affect a decision NOT to get a divorce. My marriage is on rocky ground, and at this point I cannot imagine what would have to happen if we actually separated. We have three horses, three dogs and a cat. How do you decide to leave them? I'm not being abused in any way...it's just not "there" anymore...so there's no danger in that I have to leave or else. My husband is a great guy. I'm just not sure we can make it work anymore.

                Smilton, I'm so sorry about your situation. I'm absolutely not trying to take the focus off that. More to the point, to add that IMO those horses (and other pets) can affect decisions the other direction, too.

                Comment


                • #48
                  My first marriage ended in divorce, but it wasn't about the horses. He rode some, but wasn't really into it, but it was more that he didn't really seem into ME. We just had a whole lot of problems that neither of us cared to fix, and I've never regretted divorcing him.

                  Now I'm married again, and my DH does NOT like horses. At all. We met surfing, and I still love to surf, but it's not happening as often now because I'm in training for show season AND writing my dissertation. So he rides my board, and tells me when it is good, and I try to sneak away when I can. I love surfing with him, and miss doing it, but I also love riding. He has some conflicts with my riding, as it does take a lot of time, but mostly he's understanding. So we do our own thing, and I try to make enough time for us - it's too easy to get totally submerged in the horse world. It helps that he sees how good the horses are for our daughter - his daughter from his first marriage also rode, so he does understand that can be a good bridge between a mother and a daughter at a difficult time. But we do fight about it from time to time, and it's always a bitter fight.

                  Comment


                  • #49
                    Originally posted by asb_own_me View Post
                    IMO those horses (and other pets) can affect decisions the other direction, too.

                    In that regard, it's just a variant of the old Ann Landers question: "Are you - and all the other living creatures involved (kids, horses, whatever) - better off with him or without him?". For Smilton, it definitely sounds like she is better off without him. And therefore she can enjoy her horses to the fullest now.
                    Incredible Invisible

                    Comment


                    • #50
                      Originally posted by Lucassb View Post
                      The first Mr. Lucassb was initially attracted to horses - I only found out later that he (secretly) considered horseshows were probably good places to do networking and social climbing. (Looking back, that is really quite funny.) After he figured out that in fact they were not his ticket to the social class he aspired to, he resented all (my) time, energy and money devoted to the horses and it did contribute to our divorce. Let's just say I don't miss him. And yes, I kept the horse...

                      I did remarry and while my hubby doesn't ride, he is totally supportive and enjoys the fact that I have a hobby I love so much. In turn, I am happy to support his hobby which is cycling. Much better arrangement all the way around.
                      Ok I had to look at this post again since I could have written it. My ex was annoyed by the horse until we were at the horse shows standing around with blue ribbons on her bridle. Then it was "our" horse. Lived in city, never wanted to get a farm.
                      Kept the truck, kept the trailer, kept the horse, the dog and even the damn cat.
                      Told asshat to hit the bricks. No kids with him thank God.

                      Now have a new hubby (and a farm and a lovely homebred out of the above referenced horse) who thinks that the whoopee wagon at the hunt is the bomb and is BFF with our JtMFH, who is married to our JtMFH/huntsman. Loves the horses and refers to himself as the "Cookieman".
                      "Perhaps the final test of anybody's love of dogs is their willingness to permit them to make a camping ground of the bed" -Henry T. Merwin

                      Comment


                      • #51
                        Originally Posted by Lucassb
                        The first Mr. Lucassb was initially attracted to horses - I only found out later that he (secretly) considered horseshows were probably good places to do networking and social climbing. (Looking back, that is really quite funny.) After he figured out that in fact they were not his ticket to the social class he aspired to, he resented all (my) time, energy and money devoted to the horses and it did contribute to our divorce. Let's just say I don't miss him. And yes, I kept the horse...

                        I did remarry and while my hubby doesn't ride, he is totally supportive and enjoys the fact that I have a hobby I love so much. In turn, I am happy to support his hobby which is cycling. Much better arrangement all the way around.
                        Originally posted by Jaegermonster View Post
                        Ok I had to look at this post again since I could have written it. My ex was annoyed by the horse until we were at the horse shows standing around with blue ribbons on her bridle. Then it was "our" horse. Lived in city, never wanted to get a farm.
                        Kept the truck, kept the trailer, kept the horse, the dog and even the damn cat.
                        Told asshat to hit the bricks. No kids with him thank God.

                        Now have a new hubby (and a farm and a lovely homebred out of the above referenced horse) who thinks that the whoopee wagon at the hunt is the bomb and is BFF with our JtMFH, who is married to our JtMFH/huntsman. Loves the horses and refers to himself as the "Cookieman".
                        Oh what a riot, our guys must be long lost twins or something. Mine refers to himself as the "Carrotman." Beloved by all the horses, particularly my big gelding, who *totally* understands which pockets he keeps the treats in. Too funny!!

                        Good riddance to the asshats!!!
                        **********
                        We move pretty fast for some rabid garden snails.
                        -PaulaEdwina

                        Comment


                        • #52
                          That is hysterical! He's deployed now but stateside in Willamsburg this time thank GOD and not Iraq.
                          And don't think I'm not squeezing in a trip to Horse Country and Middleburg Tack Exchange and Morven Park when I go up to see him this summer but I digress....
                          anyway, wouldn't it be fun to get together with our two cookiedaddys sometime?
                          "Perhaps the final test of anybody's love of dogs is their willingness to permit them to make a camping ground of the bed" -Henry T. Merwin

                          Comment


                          • #53
                            I divorced after three strikes...

                            Strike one. I found out my ex had lied to me about getting a job, pretending we couldn't afford my horse so I took her to a sale. He got the job before the horse was sold and didn't say a WORD to me about it. When I got back home, and found out, and asked him why he didn't tell me, he said "Because you would have brought the horse home." (OK, actually, this was two and a half strikes right off the bat).

                            Strike two. Now I'm horseless, but trying to stay involved. I was cleaning stalls and working horses on weekends, and going to shows to support my friends and watch. He told me I couldn't go to shows anymore.

                            Strike three. I started taking lessons. Two weeks into it, he forbade me from riding anymore. Ever.

                            Hubby... gone.

                            Me? No regrets.

                            I have had a wonderful life since, and have somehow managed to find the perfect man. We were talking a few days ago about the economy and our loss of income, and I mentioned selling my horse. His response? "Only if you buy another one with the money. You can't not have a horse."

                            Swoon....

                            He has his life (motorcycles and cars) and I go to car and bike shows and am considering buying a motorcycle (someday) so I can ride with him. He is taking riding lessons and we're looking at horse-friendly properties.

                            The key is having your own thing, finding things to do together and apart, but always being there for each other. Always supportive. If you don't have that, you have to support yourself. And then it's easier to do it on your own.

                            And as far as a marriage not being "there" anymore - that takes two, and it takes WORK. The spark does not flame itself.

                            Comment


                            • #54
                              Smilton,

                              So sorry for your crappy month, but you know you did the right thing. I'm lucky I have a horsie husband, but even though I love him, things can get heated and stressful. Especially since I live in his Country! But I would never have a problem taking cats, a dog, and some of the horses if I just wasn't happy anymore. Funny thing is there wouldn't be any arguments on which way the horses would be divided up.

                              I would never have to worry about Mr. Equilibrium not doing something right for any animal no matter what time of the day or night. And he's had to help others out of a jam with sick or injured animals as well. And I'm never quite sure who is more upset when one of our animals pass, him or me. We lost our first GSD 3 years ago due to a twisted stomach. Mr. Equilibrium packed a bag and went to England for the weekend to catch up on how the racehorses were doing. Fortunately, I understood this is how he has to deal with things and it didn't bother me in the slightest. He still has a picture beside the bed of Jessie with the rock he brought him the day before he died.

                              Smilton, go have a blast at Rolex!!!!!!

                              Terri
                              COTH, keeping popcorn growers in business for years.

                              "I need your grace to remind me to find my own." Snow Patrol-Chasing Cars. This line reminds me why I have horses.

                              Comment


                              • #55
                                Well look at it this way, its the shortest month of the year. You got all the crap over with and now you can sit back and enjoy the rest of 2009 to the fullest.
                                McDowell Racing Stables

                                Home Away From Home

                                Comment


                                • #56
                                  Trak, your first wife was crazy to let you go! Though my husband doesn't care about horses or most animals he doesn't hate them either, he kind of enjoys them.
                                  I told him before we got married that I will always have a dog and my last little dog got lost a couple weeks ago and I don't have one. He went searching the area for him and is sick about him disappearing. He was the one who let him out and went to bed without saying anything to me, just being thoughtless. But he loved the little old guy.

                                  We have 4 housecats and unknown ferals at our farm and his business, we keep them fed, he's been feeding the cats at his business lately.

                                  I actually think he's glad that I have the horses because they live outside and he doesn't want anymore animals in the house. My husband likes fast cars and races bicycles.

                                  Neither of us enjoy the other's hobbies but he did buy me the acreage for my horses and has helped pay for the fence, electric, well, buildings, etc. for my horses. So I can't really expect more. As I said, he's just glad they don't live in the house....yet.

                                  One more thing that makes this non horsie husband a horse heroe and mine too, when over a year ago my 36 year old horse died, my son found one of our customers with a backhoe and my husband rushed out to bring a king sized comforter to cover him and waited and watched to make sure he was properly buried, and deep. He made me walk away and promised to watch over his burial. That was till midnight.


                                  Originally posted by Trakehner View Post
                                  "A woman only needs what she can fit in her horse trailer."

                                  Guys too! When I went for happy and freedom I filled up my horse trailer and truck with my stuff; threw a bunch of stuff away, gave a bunch of stuff away, took my horse and moved to another nearby state.

                                  It was tough, I wasn't earning much then (was just starting in the gov't.) and left a very wealthy wife. Even though she made 10 times what I made there was no legal expectation of any sort of support (didn't ask for it either)...the feeling of "Whew!" sure trumped the worry of money. Stress and unhappy doesn't go away until you work on leaving the causes.

                                  I'd need a pretty big horse trailer now, but if I had to, I could sure pare it down to real needs vs. stuff.

                                  This history is why I always suggest if you're unhappy-leave...but be realistic about what you can afford on your own...I know I sure ate a lot of "Ooodles of Noodles"...yech!

                                  Comment


                                  • #57
                                    Not always smooth, even for a horsey pair

                                    My wife, my daughter (when she was younger), and I all rode. My wife and I still do. We've had a lot of great times over the years and could spend hours talking horses. It's a good thing we all liked it, because there wasn't (and isn't) enough money for more than one activity in our family that costs this much. But even so there have been times when conflicts came up. There have been stretches when I haven't been able to ride much because of my job (I'm going through another right now), and for a while a couple of years ago my wife thought her riding days were over for medical reasons. When these times hit, it's hard to be the person who's not benefiting from all the money being spent, since it means there isn't enough for you to do something else. So I can easily see where the problems come from.

                                    Comment


                                    • #58
                                      Smilton, all I have to say is thank goodness February is officially over. I don't know if I could have survived all that in one month. You are a strong lady! Just try to stay strong, and when you are weak, cry in your horses mane. It has always helped me!

                                      Your comment about the police dogs... cop huh? That would explain alot. I work at a PD (civilian) and I see what some cops are like. Not all mind you - I am married to one. Hopefully I am not the one with my head in the sand.

                                      Ball is in your court. He may or may not come back begging you to forgive him. Be prepared emotionally to deal with either outcome and you will make it through this.

                                      Comment


                                      • #59
                                        My STB ex and I had many an argument over the horses. He was so insecure and so threatened by the horses. I stand fast on this subject, I will NEVER get rid of a horse for a man, EVER. That is like selling the part that makes me ME, and, if the man loves me, well, then, he would never want me to. PERIOD! He does not have to ride as well, but he does have to respect and support my passion. And yes, I know is it difficult to love someone who has a passion, but, it can be done as many of you prove.


                                        ETA: I am all for supporting and respecting my SO/husband's passions as well and I think it is healthy to have passions outside of your marriage.
                                        ~Amy~ TrakehNERD clique
                                        *Bugs 5/86-3/10 OTTB Mare* RIP lovely Lady, I miss you
                                        *Frodo '03 Anglo Trakehner Gelding*
                                        My Facebook

                                        Comment


                                        • #60
                                          OK, well having just gotten divorced last year, I have to say it is nice to read all these stories from kindred spirits! As for how my horses contributed to my divorce, well, my husband took the opportunity to use my horse show weekends (about 10 a year, always well out of town) to carry on aprox. 10 separate affairs over our 2.5 year marriage! Of course, he also managed to fit in a few whenever I was on call at the hospital for the weekend as well. Let's see, there was the one where he took a 4 day trip to Miami with a married woman totally unbeknowst to me and the one where he impregnated his (married) ex-girlfriend from high school.....What a charmer, huh?

                                          Sadly, this whole secret life came crashing down on me on the very day I learned that my 9 yr old prelim horse officially had navicular, and my new 7 yr old star had a ligament injury. That was a great day!

                                          Anyway, the guy never liked the barn or the horses anyway, as he was very "metro" and disliked anything that risked getting him muddy. I occasionally dragged him to horse shows where he would refuse to touch hay (too scratchy) or watch my rides (why do that when you could secretly surf adult chat sites on your laptop in the truck?) and insisted on staying at nothing less than a Hilton, even if it was 45 minutes away. Ahhh, wedded bliss!

                                          Needless to say he is LLOONNNGG gone and luckily the farm, horses, truck and trailer etc were all covered by the prenup. I am happy as a clam too. I started dating a guy who is the REAL thing who loves nothing more than chilling at the barn while I ride, shoveling poop, playing with the dogs and enjoying the beautiful place. He is actually dying for a "husband horse" so we can ride together, something I have never even imagined. So there is hope out there! To the OP: it gets soooo much better. Now is the time to think of yourself and what YOU need. Good luck and remember that burying your face in a furry horse's shoulder is the best therapy!

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