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Divorce and horses.

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  • #21
    Smilton you are lucky he's gone. I know it doesn't feel like that now but it will. That guy is a manipulative jerk and is saying all those crappy things to you so he can feel like he has a right to do what he knows he never should. You need someone in your life who will be supportive and helpful and will make you feel better when you are down or having trouble, not one who makes trouble and brings you down. I hope you have some wonderful friends to be with and some exciting activities to try. Let this be a time to grow and do things just for you. Horses/clothes/friends he didn't like, it would have been one thing if not the other. Sorry for the heartache.
    Shop online at
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    http://sweetolivefarm.com/services.php

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    • #22
      My husband and I just celebrated 25 years of marriage. What made me know he was a keeper was one New Years Eve while we were dating, my mother called me up at a Party we were at. She told me that my cat Kimba had somehow slid down a piece of glass and cut his leg open and she could not stop the bleeding without direct pressure. I looked at my soon to be husband told him we had to leave the New Years Eve Party and go find an emergency Vet to stitch up my ornery cat. He had no problem with that at all and stated that we can always go to another party but the cat needs us now. I knew then that I had a keeper.
      Keeping our horses at home is both of our responsibility and he has never complained or said anything about the expense or time it takes.
      There are husbands, and wives out there that do and will share your love for horses, it just takes time to find them, and you will.
      Take one thing at a time, and time will take care of the rest.

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      • #23
        I kept the horse,2 out of 3 kids,a 20 year old truck and trailer.He kept his boats,bikes and a lot of musical equipment.The best thing he ever did was leave.and he got the house.
        mm

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        • #24
          Keep the horses

          My husband ran off with a grandmother the week my father died. (I know it sounds like a bad country western song.) Ex was using money to play games and I couldn't let my horses be hostages to that nonsense. I found a job loaded up the horse trailer with a bed, two wardrobe boxes, three cats, two horses, two dogs, a computer and the entire contents of my tackroom and I set off. People told me it couldn't be done and I'd never find anyone to rent to me but I made it work. Taking the animals with me was the best decision I ever made (although I do wish I had included another wardrobe box in lieu of the giant cat scratching post shaped like a tree!) I lost a lot in the divorce from not being there. But I sit here typing this with dogs curled up on either side of me and a cat who keeps tickling my nose with his tail as he walks back and forth in front of the keyboard and I think "I got everything that mattered." So that's my motto: "A woman only needs what she can fit in her horse trailer."

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          • #25
            Originally posted by Ride2Fly View Post
            My husband ran off with a grandmother the week my father died. (I know it sounds like a bad country western song.) Ex was using money to play games and I couldn't let my horses be hostages to that nonsense. I found a job loaded up the horse trailer with a bed, two wardrobe boxes, three cats, two horses, two dogs, a computer and the entire contents of my tackroom and I set off. People told me it couldn't be done and I'd never find anyone to rent to me but I made it work. Taking the animals with me was the best decision I ever made (although I do wish I had included another wardrobe box in lieu of the giant cat scratching post shaped like a tree!) I lost a lot in the divorce from not being there. But I sit here typing this with dogs curled up on either side of me and a cat who keeps tickling my nose with his tail as he walks back and forth in front of the keyboard and I think "I got everything that mattered." So that's my motto: "A woman only needs what she can fit in her horse trailer."
            Wow you were very brave!

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            • #26
              "A woman only needs what she can fit in her horse trailer."

              Guys too! When I went for happy and freedom I filled up my horse trailer and truck with my stuff; threw a bunch of stuff away, gave a bunch of stuff away, took my horse and moved to another nearby state.

              It was tough, I wasn't earning much then (was just starting in the gov't.) and left a very wealthy wife. Even though she made 10 times what I made there was no legal expectation of any sort of support (didn't ask for it either)...the feeling of "Whew!" sure trumped the worry of money. Stress and unhappy doesn't go away until you work on leaving the causes.

              I'd need a pretty big horse trailer now, but if I had to, I could sure pare it down to real needs vs. stuff.

              This history is why I always suggest if you're unhappy-leave...but be realistic about what you can afford on your own...I know I sure ate a lot of "Ooodles of Noodles"...yech!
              "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"

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              • #27
                [quote=equinelaw;3870578]
                Originally posted by arabhorse2 View Post
                PRURIENT INTEREST - A morbid, degrading and unhealthy interest in sex, as distinguished from a mere candid interest in sex.
                Okay, I stand corrected. Nauseated, but corrected!

                I should have said I was just being nosey, which I was.
                Homeopathy claims water can cure you since it once held medicine. That's like saying you can get sustenance from an empty plate because it once held food.

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                • #28
                  My mantra was its only money and only things. I can earn more money and buy more things, but I couldn't do that for my safety or happiness. BEST thing I ever did. I had to sell a mare in foal and that baby has gone on to do some great things, but I get to sit in the stands and know that the horse wouldn't be there without me. Just as what goes around comes around, I get to breed that mare this year for a baby of my own . Life is good. I have a way better man in my life and some debt, but hey, I'm happy.

                  If it what you think you need to do, run and don't look back. My divorce cost me so much in money and property, but I really don't care!

                  Comment

                  • #29
                    Originally posted by smilton View Post
                    Did your horses contribute to your divorce? Did you keep your horses afterwards?
                    My ex tried to make it a reason, but the horses really had nothing to do with the divorce, he just needed to blame something since he couldn't realize HE was a big part of the problem.

                    Yes, kept the horse, then bought another one.
                    View my photographs at www.horsephotoguy.zenfolio.com

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                    • #30
                      I wonder if anyone has ever gotten shared custody of a pet in a divorce. How does one share a goldfish? A cat? A dog? A Chinchilla? Obviously they do it with kids, but I've never heard of anyone doing it with their pet. Not that it has much to do with this topic but I'm just saying...it's an interesting idea.
                      Thus do we growl that our big toes have, at this moment, been thrown up from below!

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                      • #31
                        Smilton,
                        it's not you. It's him.

                        I don't have much to add to what's already been said. Just a couple of things: Valentine's day sux anyhow, and turning 30 is a good thing! I don't know about others but I got into my own in the last decade...much more fun than the 20s were.

                        Lick your wounds, share the chocolates with your horse(s).

                        And count your blessings he walked out now, and not after the house was started.

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                        • #32
                          I'm not married or divorced, but there is one man in the building where my mother lives who shares custody of his son/dog. They pick up the kid and the pet at the same time and when it's time to return them, they return both.
                          Last edited by starrunner; Feb. 10, 2009, 09:41 AM. Reason: mistyped
                          Semi Feral

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                          • #33
                            I moved into my husband's country estate when we married. I immediately reworked a barn to keep a horse. Husband bought me an adorable 14 h cob. He ended up loving the horse so much he wanted one of his own. Ok I bought him an OTTB.

                            If I went to the movies with my gf, he would suddenly show up, as if to try to catch me out with another man! I was NOT cheating on him, I just wasn't dependent on him & he didn't understand that!

                            I could never have any alone time anymore. I could never just ride my horse, or even school her. Why? Because if he saw me grab my helmet he'd say, "I'll go with you!" Riding has always given me "meditation" time, but hubby decided I couldn't be trusted alone. Ever.

                            When we split, I had to leave, of course. I took my pony and carriage. He got his horse & the Kabota and the DOG. I've never missed ex-hubby one day of the 20 years we've been divorced. But oh, I missed that OTTB and dog every day of my life.

                            PS Anyone ever hear that addage? "Get a divorce...get a horse!"

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                            • #34
                              Originally posted by LexInVA View Post
                              I wonder if anyone has ever gotten shared custody of a pet in a divorce. How does one share a goldfish? A cat? A dog? A Chinchilla? Obviously they do it with kids, but I've never heard of anyone doing it with their pet. Not that it has much to do with this topic but I'm just saying...it's an interesting idea.
                              Yep. Its a very big issue in divorces. Certainly dogs, less with cats since they hate change. With horses, who sometimes have a $$$$$, who gets which horse can make a divorce very expensive and complicated.

                              In one memorable COTH case, the husband got the horses that the wife had owned and imported before the marriage.

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                              • #35
                                Sorry for your rough month, smilton.

                                Moral of story: be your own person, make your own money, and derive your happiness and self-actualization from within. Nobody can provide it for you, but they sure can take it away! I'm happily married, but I pay my own way, my husband has his own passions that rival horses in terms of time and money commitments and I don't say "boo" about them. Fair's fair.
                                Click here before you buy.

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                                • Original Poster
                                  #36
                                  It came to a head this week over a few items. Friday his dog was hit by a care (not mine I have three others.). I work at the vet school so I was there when my neighbors brought him in. Hubby was too busy packing for a ski trip to be bothered.
                                  Dog was euthanized. I had to deal with it alone hubby never even called to see how it went. Did not call to say what day he was coming back. I had to bury Rocky. Did not thank me for handling it. Only comment I recieved on Sunday was "let me know what it cost me".
                                  He went back out with friends Sunday night and I finally asked when he came home after midnight what was going on and made him talk to me. He was just going to let things go the way they were. I guess it was great for him. He did anything he wanted. He a free place to stay, someone to do laundry, someone to cook and clean up after him.
                                  Yep the more I look back I'm really not missing much less chores and a yard to mow.

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                                  • #37
                                    Our passion for horses!

                                    From experiences in my own marriage and conversations with my horsey girlfriends, I've come to the conclusion, it is hard for someone who lacks a passion to understand someone who has a passion. Yes, your significant other(SO) can have a hobby - playing tennis, golf, travel, etc, but a passion is all consuming and brings meaning to life. At first they are drawn to you because of this passion, it's what makes you interesting. Then as the relationship grows they realize they will never TRULY be number one in your life. Think about it, it would be hard to love someone who also has another love. It is especially troubling when your SO is insecure and often that's when the line in the sand is drawn. How many of us on this board have tried in vain to fan the flame of interest in horses with our SO's? Raise your hands-LOL It often fails because our SO's do not have passion for horses. All we can hope for is a SO who is tolerant and supportive.

                                    Years ago I dated a guy who was passionate about sailing. We spent a lot of weekends at his club sailing his boat. During this time I had the chance to meet the wives of his fellow sailing friends and it's not any different from what is being said in this thread.
                                    "You gave your life to become the person you are right now. Was it worth it?" Richard Bach

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                                    • #38
                                      Calhoun, my SO has his own passion, and I pat him on the head and let him toddle off to do it while I go ride.

                                      The difference is that we're both mature, secure adults, who trust each other. We refuse to make each other our only passion, and time spent apart is good for the relationship, because we're both independent people.

                                      When one partner lives solely for the other, is where things get sticky. However, it doesn't sound like smilton's spouse was invested at all in the relationship.

                                      As I said earlier, horses are merely the hook upon which he chose to hang his reason for the relationship going sour. He's obviously only interested in himself and his own pleasures.

                                      I don't have time for self-centered, spoiled children who are supposed to be men. I'm betting smilton doesn't either!
                                      Homeopathy claims water can cure you since it once held medicine. That's like saying you can get sustenance from an empty plate because it once held food.

                                      Comment

                                      • #39
                                        My divorce contributed to my horse.

                                        After first-hubby and I split, I sold the diamond ring and spent that money buying my first horse. Never regretted anything about that deal.
                                        ...somewhere between the talent and the potato....

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                                        • #40
                                          Originally posted by smilton View Post
                                          It came to a head this week over a few items. Friday his dog was hit by a care (not mine I have three others.). I work at the vet school so I was there when my neighbors brought him in. Hubby was too busy packing for a ski trip to be bothered.
                                          Dog was euthanized. I had to deal with it alone hubby never even called to see how it went. Did not call to say what day he was coming back. I had to bury Rocky. Did not thank me for handling it. Only comment I recieved on Sunday was "let me know what it cost me".
                                          He went back out with friends Sunday night and I finally asked when he came home after midnight what was going on and made him talk to me. He was just going to let things go the way they were. I guess it was great for him. He did anything he wanted. He a free place to stay, someone to do laundry, someone to cook and clean up after him.
                                          Yep the more I look back I'm really not missing much less chores and a yard to mow.

                                          Hate to say this (no I don't ) :
                                          this is what my friend calls a Tapeworm in search of a host. And since he moved out so quickly, I bet he already found one. If you want a room mate, I know you can do better there as well....

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