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Vent. **LONG**

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  • #21
    Originally posted by slc2 View Post
    Instead of crying when people point out how it looks from their vantage point, why don't you think about how you could improve your life, so people DON'T see you that way?
    WW. How heartless. Who the hell cares how other people see her life. I believe she should make changes to improve her life so SHE will be happy.
    The advice is good. The quoted reasoning is not.

    Comment


    • #22
      For starters, unless the trainer shouted at you, the "whole arena of people" didn't hear what went on-you probably just feel that way! As a person who has some pretty major/chronic pain issues (due to ongoing chronic Lyme Disease/Babesia Disease/arthritic changes), some of your "rudeness" IS you-it's from your chronic pain. Some days I look in the mirror, and my face is drawn and tight, I'm "into myself"...it does not come across well. I think that is what the trainer is seeing. Add to that all the stress in your life that you described-I can't blame you for having a mini-breakdown!!

      A little advice from a fellow pain sufferer (age 44, a little older and wiser)...

      Boyfriend GETS A JOB NOW-or gets OUT. Absolutely no reason an able bodied young man can't find SOMETHING, even in these times.

      Cut loose your supposed "friend" at the barn. He's a drama queen who is causing trouble. Say a pleasant "Hello" when you see him, go about your business. Someone who harrasses someone else with 30 phone calls a day is a stalker/trouble=NOT a friend. Find another barn buddy!

      Giving up a horse or two may be hard, but you need to get your health together. Too much stress=tight muscles=more pain. Is there one animal whose qualities you really treasure and enjoy? Perhaps cut down to one or two, so you can accomplish something positive...Don't just run around doing 5 minutes of lunging here and there, and just get more stressed. A VERY hard decision, I know, but perhaps it will help your physical/mental state in the long run.

      Good Luck to you, hope your good cry helped!! We all need to do that once in awhile!!

      Comment


      • #23
        Originally posted by Bedazzle View Post
        The last time I was rude to her, which was months ago, I immediately regretted it and I wrote her an apology note and she accepted my apology. Since then, we have been on good terms, at least I thought.
        Over the years I have finally come to the conclusion that a lot of these barn people/trainers, etc. are "social retards". Not all, but an eerie amount. Someone pointed out to me once that working with horses does not necessarily require advanced social skills. She was right.

        Take care of your health and remove from your plate that which is too much for you right now.

        Comment


        • #24
          This is a tough situation. Fibro is an invisible disease. I had a co worker tell me a very similar thing recently "You never smile!" He's right. I rarely smile because a good day is when my pain is a 5 or below. I still have to go to work when it's a 7 or 8.

          I don't think cutting back is the end of the world. The horses, so long as they are fed and cared for, don't mind less work.

          I would have long talk with your doctor though, about how to make you more functional, whether its changing meds, reducing responsibilities etc .

          Non supportive financially useless boyfriend needs a swift kick in the butt. You are better off alone then being dragged down and paying for a free loader.

          And feel free to vent. It's human. Let it all out, then regroup and make a plan to improve.
          Do not take anything to heart. Do not hanker after signs of progress. Founder of the Riders with Fibromyalgia clique.

          Comment


          • #25
            I'm so sorry that you are feeling so crap just now.

            I cannot imagine being in constant pain and am amazed that you are managing to hold down a full time job and function - good on you!!

            I know it may be hard, but we all tend to focus on our negative side rather than our positive side. If you are earning $10 an hour, while in constant pain, supporting a loser boyfriend AND 3 horses - you are doing an outstanding job. Pick yourself up and pat yourself on the back!!

            Now, next step is to concentrate on how you could make this a little easier for yourself. I have to agree, without knowing the details of your BF, that it sounds like it is time for him to move on. Feeding an extra person and probably paying utilities on someone who is home all day, is not necessary and would give you a little more money to cover some other things that might make YOU feel better. I second those that suggest perhaps you need to downsize your herd a little more - a free lease at the barn? Turning out to pasture? Selling? Perhaps set yourself an objective of getting down to 2 horses by the end of April or something. It's a hard step, but once you have done it, you will wonder why you didn't do it ages ago.

            Good luck, I am sorry again that life is so hard for you just now, and hope that things get better for you soon.

            (btw, I think the trainer sounds mean too!)

            Comment


            • #26
              Get rid of the freeloader...err boyfriend, and the drama queen "freind" at the barn.

              Try to free lease, sell or trade 2 of the horses.

              Comment


              • #27
                Agree with all the advice to get rid of useless man, avoid friend, sell horses.

                Comment


                • #28
                  Bedazzle-first of all, I'm sorry that you had to bear public humiliation after a stressful, crappy day-that really hurts. I was kind of surprised by some of the blunt postings, but there is some good advice here.
                  You can't judge everything but what you see or read. If you don't smile,people assume that you're rude or aloof-when I'm concentrating hard or lost in thought, I look really mean. I'm not mean, I just look that way. People make assumptions by what they see. Same thing with what you read here on Coth-sometimes when someone writes something, it may be taken out of context and then the thread gets highjacked with everyone jumping on that person's back for a statement that maybe just needed to be worded differently.
                  Maybe the sigh inadvertently came out and the instructor jumped to conclusions on what that meant. I think people in pain do tend to sigh more and probably don't even realize that they're doing it. If the instructor did know that you were crying after her comment and never apologized, then she probably is in the lack of social skills department.
                  I'm sure you love your horses and the thought of selling really breaks your heart but I always think about something my instructor said once to me "why do you think you're the only one who can give your horse a good home?" After getting over the initial shock and insult, I realized that she was right. When I have to sell a horse, I do my absolute best to find the best home possible for that animal. Then I've done my job and I let it go after that-that horse can be bringing as much joy or more for someone else as he/she did for me.
                  Don't run yourself ragged-do what you can handle and take care of yourself. If you have an SO who takes advantage of you, I'd really think twice about staying in that relationship-it may be preventing you from finding a better partner.
                  Take your time and really think about what you need to do to make your life better. Maybe join a support group and find what others with fibro do to make their life easier. I think the fact that you've appreciated this advice and thanked everyone for their input means that you are taking the advice in the spirit in which it was given-to help you. I hope that you're feeling better -stay positive.
                  http://thepitchforkchronicles.com

                  Comment


                  • #29
                    Chin Up!
                    Suggestion: Until you figure it all out, lease out perhaps 1 or 2 of the horses.
                    Suggestion: Get rid of the free loading boyfriend. Obviously not helping you or your financial situation. You deserve the best, you're trying so hard to make your life work for YOU. He obviously doesnt see that. To quote Miss Congeniality 2 "People care about people who care about themselves." You care about yourself. The awesome boyfriend that you deserve will come along.
                    Suggestion: As far as crazy friend goes, I had one of those. STOP the friendship now. It will only lead to heartache/them taking advantage of you/crazy sh*t. Don't put yourself through it. I did and it was scary.
                    Suggestion: Talk to the trainer. Face to Face. Behind closed doors. Explain situation/reason why you believe that she might think that you're sullen. Make sure to listen to what she has to say. Make sure that she understands where you're coming from.
                    Lastly, I conclude my post with my first words: Chin Up!

                    Comment


                    • #30
                      Originally posted by jetsmom View Post
                      Get rid of the freeloader...err boyfriend, and the drama queen "freind" at the barn.

                      Try to free lease, sell or trade 2 of the horses.
                      Yes. Unload horses as needed, to the point it becomes affordable and fun again. Unload the lazy bf immediately!

                      Good lord, there are a lot of threads like this. Women who are taking on far too much than they are bear, stretching themselves to the breaking point emotionally and financially just own horse(s). Please don't overextend yourself like this!

                      There are SO many ways you can have horses in your life without spending every penny and being financially strapped, or going around exhausted (not even having riding time) b/c you're spending all your non-working and non-sleeping hours doing self-care at the barn.

                      Horses... they are pets, hobbies, and we love them. But owning three horses and barely able to get by financially, no ability to save, this is holding the OP back as much as her relationship. And, eventually, she is going to resent the horses and all the joy of it is sapped away.
                      Love my "Slow-T T B"
                      2010 OTTB, Dixie Union x Dash for Money

                      Comment


                      • #31
                        No comment on the original problem, as you've received lots of feedback on that already.

                        I did however want to mention to you based on this...

                        To add to my misery, I had brain surgery a few years ago due to a car accident and I now have fibromyalgia.
                        ...that you need to REQUIRE that your GP does an MRI for Arnold Chiari Disease. The symptoms are just like fibro, and it is often mistaken for fibro. It is treatable to some extent, with surgery the last resort. While fibro cannot REALLY be difinitively "diagnosed", Chiari CAN and can therefore be covered by insurance if you have that.

                        Best of luck, NJR
                        Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behaviour does.

                        Comment


                        • #32
                          Originally posted by Bedazzle View Post
                          "You know, you could at least smile. You are so miserable everytime I talk to you." This commment caught me quite off guard and I kept quiet for a moment. Then I asked where in the world that comment came from. She replied, "Everytime I talk to you, you are rude. You are the most miserable person I have ever been around."
                          I'm going to assume that the trainer has neither an upcoming prison sentence that's making her unusually tense, or a PhD in social work that makes her qualified to do 'tough love' experimentation on casual acquaintances. In short, she's a rotten person. Don't deal with her except on a superficial level - no apologies, no notes, no warmth - just hey, hi, goodnight. Yes, the fact that this attack could hurt you so badly is an indication that you're at the end of your rope. You do need to take steps to force your life into better shape so you can cope with bad things. That's hard. The good news is, the hardest part is making the decision to do tough things. Actually doing them is not as bad as the dread and guilt and fear of knowing you should do them while you try to cope with the status quo instead. Good luck.

                          Comment


                          • #33
                            Originally posted by Bedazzle View Post
                            I had a bit of a breakdown at the barn today. I've hit a rough patch in my young life right now and the stress just got to me. I have three horses that I would do anything for, in fact I have sold off just about everything I own to afford to keep them. I do self care, and every bit of money I have goes to my horses. I'm working full time for $8 an hour, and just got a small promotion to a shift manager for $10/hour. I'm bringing home just enough for rent, some bills and my horses. I am behind on most of my bills, my boyfriend is looking for a job and hasn't brought home a paycheck in months. I'm stretched way too thin financially, and I'm at my breaking point.

                            you are paying for your boyfreind to stay in your home get him to try harder as there night work even shelf filling or packing there always something and something is better than nothing and whilse you working at something you can look to better yourself in meantime another bit of dosh is comming in and before you tell me hes trying well hes not trying hard enough mate i have been made redundant 10 times and it gets harder each time as i getting older and iam not young, but i have never been out of pocket becuase i event something to earn money
                            ie dog walking house cleaning which can pay upto 10 per hour as clients can be proffesssional ones and it dont mattter if male or female, or what ever use a bit of savvy and advertise in local sweetshops and stores and freebie mags as long as hes earnign below the social rate and time allowed and as longas he declares it he wont be done fot tax advassion




                            There is a friend/boarder at the barn that most certainly has a minor mental problem. He is most likely bi-polar and I just have a like/hate relationship with him. We almost constantly fight and my time at the barn has just become miserable. He will be awesome to be around for a day or two, and then with no cause he will start not speaking to me, avoiding me and ignoring me. Then as soon as I catch on that he is mad at me, and I start getting mad, he is back to normal, joking around. It throws me for a loop and usually leaves me in a bad mood. He likes to call me 30 times a day, or not call me for three days at a time. I have found myself trying to get to the barn when he is not there just so that I can have some peace, my life is stressful enough.


                            do your horses say hello and then bye-- ehy give him your no if you dont want him to be a mate, and dont forget your under stress as your in financial difficulties so it could be
                            you to as in- half you and half him and you making a mountian out of a mole hill
                            god just ignore he crap if you dont like it and just do your horses
                            be polite and say helllo and good bye and change your no or sim no hard is it



                            To add to my misery, I had brain surgery a few years ago due to a car accident and I now have fibromyalgia. The pain is intense and non-stop and the single digit weather does not help my pain. Some days I'm lucky to be able to move. Some days it literally DOES hurt to smile.

                            you know stress can add to that, and being that your struggling with your finances
                            and trying to make ends meet and working all hours and bf at frigging home slooping it
                            i am not surprize you get head aches

                            you either tell him to pull his finger out and do something or you tell him to sling his hook
                            your paying for 2 people- twice the food twice the heat( as if hes in and you out type thing) twice th amount of tooing and throwing as no doubt you take him to his things etc
                            you save some money by not being with him



                            Due to the new position at work, I have to work almost all day long. The only time I can go to the barn is early morning, or late evening. The barn that I self care at is a training barn and I always feel like I'm interfering with their lessons or training rides. I usually ask if I can ride or lunge in the arena while they are riding, and almost always I am encouraged to come in.

                            matey i have been doing diy since way back as a 13yr old kid and i was working full time
                            getting up that bit early in the morning and doing them at night
                            in uk most average joe bloggs is diy as in self care in yards with schools or not

                            time management always better in dpring ands summer but in winter its s--t as its cold wet damp and mieserable which in your case just adds pressure at the moment

                            so what can we do,, change it slighty- do half the work of neds in morning ie muck and water- ( as water might freeze in evenings and might be more difficult to do)
                            then when home hay feed and whatever ie groom or not ride or not deppends
                            if you anything like yards here then the school cn be used for diy they have all day to ride
                            you do not but your still entitled to use the school as its in your charges with said yard so dont feel your interfering
                            but will say her in uk its not the done thing to have a lunge lesson and a ridden lesson
                            in the same school at the same time-- very dangerous
                            )

                            Well today, after bickering with the friend/boarder, then becoming friendly with him again, I went about my business caring for my horses. After lunging two horses quickly (less than 5 min a piece), I went to lunge my third horse. Figuring that since there was no issue lunging the first two, the trainers would not mind me lunging the third quickly. As I was bringing my third horse toward the arena, the trainer asks me not so nicely if I could wait to lunge her. I agreed with a small sigh, and backed my horse back into her stall. The small sigh was due to the fact that I just seem to never be able to get my horses into the arena by myself and I have limited time when I'm at the barn, so it was slightly frustrating to not be able to lunge my horse quickly and get on with the day. Well, as soon as I backed my mare into the stall the trainer said nastily "You know, you could at least smile. You are so miserable everytime I talk to you."

                            again this is all due to the very 1st thing you said, you trianer wasnt being nasty shes telling you that you have changed
                            ie tired miserable headaches
                            for godsake take a step back and ask yourself are you happy becuase to be homest you dont sound it and your not feeling it if you dont do something with him indoors
                            sitting on his arse then you are heading for a neavous breakdown your doing to much trying to make ends meet on one very small wage

                            you have got to look into your finances
                            and you have gotta have a heart to hearrt woth your bloke to get anything now
                            now tomorrow not next week but now,, hes got into a rut as no work,, but ther is work you have to look deeper, there triaining things and dont blame the cc for no work
                            see me i have always struggled so its no difference as long as i earn to pay for me neddies
                            and what i have to into the house then the rest is mine to play with
                            but paying for two people one wage si difficult you might have to look for smaller rented accomadation or sell one or 2 of your horses
                            which is harsh but in realtity horses are a luxury not a nessicity and to be honest yu have 3 which in truth you do better with one and have money in your pocket
                            and time to yourself and your health would improve as well as you wouldnt be running around doing 3 horses and all that extra work and all that extra money on them
                            you woul in fact be more comfortable

                            and beleive me i think in your case you get your bloke to pull his finger out
                            and you need 2 sell 2 of your horses
                            when you do your finances will improve and your headaches will go away and your miserable self will dissapear as you will start to laugh and play and sleep properly



                            This commment caught me quite off guard and I kept quiet for a moment. Then I asked where in the world that comment came from. She replied, "Everytime I talk to you, you are rude. You are the most miserable person I have ever been around."

                            That comment led to the biggest breakdown I have had in quite some time. I cried like I have not cried in ages. All I wanted to do was bury my face in my hairy mare and cry like a baby. Where was this nasty comment coming from? I haven't spoken to this trainer for probably over two months since we don't come in contact in our daily routines. I feel horrible that I portray myself as being miserable, but in all honesty, I am pretty miserable at the moment. I can't make ends meet, I am harassed at the barn by the friend/boarder, and now this.

                            In the end, I know this is all so petty but it really broke my heart this afternoon. I just want to up and leave this barn, but it is such a good deal at a nice facility that I couldn't possibly find anything like it. I'm just hurt that someone I thought I was on good terms with would say something like that to me, especially in front of an entire arena full of people. I just feel that she should be more professional than that. I know I don't pay a ton of money, but I do pay her. I am technically a client, and I don't think my attitude is really any of her business if I never interact with her.

                            Vent over. If you made it all the way through, thanks for listening.

                            you have to be honest with yourself and change a few thing as surgested before you end up with debt collectors at your door - and you matey know it as you said your behind in some things --

                            Comment


                            • #34
                              Originally posted by slc2 View Post
                              It's time for some big changes.

                              An incident like this gives you one message only: ''My goodness, I have so much on my plate and am in a lot of discomfort. I'm not enjoying my time at the barn, I barely have enough time to do my horses, and people are commenting that I'm 'miserable'. even rude. What can I do to improve my situation?'

                              I think the best thing you could do is sell 1 or more of your horses, even all of them, and wait til you're healthy and have the money and the time to deal with having horses.

                              Less than five minutes per horse? You have three? You go to the barn late and night or early in the morning, longe each horse for a few minutes? Every day? And you have fibromyalgia? And a full time job?

                              I'm not so sure the 'bitch' at the barn bears the full responsibility for this incident. I'm not so sure she's 100% wrong. I bet you her version of that incident is very, very different from yours.

                              And you do sound 'miserable' (tired, depressed, overwhelmed). And I bet you very often are impatient - of course you are - look at all the worries you're carrying on your shoulders. People who are rushed, stressed, in pain, are OFTEN 'rude'...exasperated with others who prevent them from doing what they need to do.

                              It's SO easy to run to others and get support and find a way to dispense with what a person says. Especially here. There is always someone kind here who will take your side.

                              Your barn mate may have been a wee bit blunt, but she may have a very, very good point.

                              You may not realize how it looks to other people.

                              You know why you're tired and why you're trying to hurry into the arena, and you know you have fibromyalgia and are having a lot of discomfort. You know you are under a lot of time pressure and that everyone else in the barn is basically in your way (no, I'm serious, I'm not being catty, they are in your way - you have 15 min to do 3 horses, and you need to get into the ring right away, and they're in the ring).

                              But other people don't know all these things...and...even if they did...there is a limit to how much other people have to deal with or accomodate you. If you say you have little time, someone else can always come back and say, 'Well I also have little time'.

                              There's a point beyond which you have a responsibility for working on your problems, and not getting people to where they are commenting that you're often rude or 'miserable' (tired, stressed, in a hurry, need to get into the ring...etc).

                              Instead of crying when people point out how it looks from their vantage point, why don't you think about how you could improve your life, so people DON'T see you that way?

                              You could cut back to one horse. It could be a low maintenance horse that doesn't need longeing. You could decide to just have a horse to take for hacks on the weekends, when you have more time, or you could lease and ride only occasionally. You could move to a barn with longer hours or fewer customers.

                              You could consider too, that your behavior, especially the irritability and tearful outburst, looks an awful lot more like depression than anything else. There are medications for that and for fibromyalgia. You don't mention taking any meds at all. I think you should see a doctor.

                              Since fibromyalgia disturbs sleep patterns, you may look into how you can improve your sleep patterns. Behavioral therapy is also used for fibro. It helps to manage stress. You may consider trying that.

                              If you are just assuming you have fibromyalgia, and haven't actually been diagnosed, I would even more strongly urge you to get a workup. What you think is fibromyalgia may not be fibromyalgia at all, it could be chronic fatigue syndrome, or a number of other things. If you're self medicating or using unproven treatments for fibro, you may be able to say, 'that's not working, time to try something else'.

                              Life can always be made better. There is no problem that can't be worked on.
                              As a B.O., A Mom, A female, a human being I 100% agree!!!

                              Honey life is too short to over load yourself to this point. Step #1 Boot the FREE LOADING Boy Friend Why are you supporting HIM on $10/hour B-O-O-T! TODAY!
                              "If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there"

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                              • #35
                                I'm sorry to hear things are so tough on you, but you really do need to sit down and prioritize. At this point in your life, you just can't afford to have three horses on $10/hour and having a useless BF around. I can't even afford ONE horse on my salary (and it's a lot more than $10/hour), so i'm really wondering how you're doing it?

                                When you're vulnerable and down like this, it's easy for the smallest things to turn into big issues - like the trainer's comment. True, she doesn't know what's going on in your life, but you should be able to brush off comments like that, even though they might sting. It makes you stronger

                                I don't want to sound mean, but I personally prefer not to hang out with people who are miseraly or negative, because it affects my mood. Granted, I can be in a bad mood every now and then, but I don't expect people to like me when I act like that. Also, I find that when i'm positive and not dwelling on things, I feel healthier.

                                So it would really be in your best interest to cut some things out of your life right now, get all your ducks in one row, and then start fresh. No, it's not failure. It's self-improvement.

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                                • #36
                                  You're stressed. Remove some of the stresses. Look for another barn, for starters. Lease out at least TWO of your horses (since you're behind on the bills, how could you pay any surprise vet bills??? Dump the "barn friend". They're ReALLY stressing you. I KNOW that you NEED friends to ameliorate your misery, so make more. I'm not gonna say dump boyfriend, cause you NEED support now. Just less to do and money freed up.

                                  And, you know, the trainer's words weren't mean AT ALL. She just told you what you are like. You don't like, fix it. SOOOOOO simple.

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                                  • #37
                                    Sounds like you're emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. Forgot about the trainer -- who cares what she thinks? And for that matter, who cares what the others at the barn think? They're not part of the solution and don't deserve the energy it takes to worry about. You need to concentrate on you. Get worthless boyfriend to cover for you at the barn, and then give yourself permission to take a few days off to go somewhere, think, and come up with an action plan. There have been some great suggestions here, but only you can implement them. Where do you want to be 6 months or a year from now, and what steps do you need to get there? Just give yourself a break, then move forward and don't look back. You'll be a lot happier when you're controlling your life instead of it controlling you.

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                                    • #38
                                      You've gotten great advice and I agree with all of it.

                                      - ditch boyfriend
                                      - reduce herd
                                      - get a definitive diagnosis of your health problems

                                      But I have a question. Why haven't you insisted that stay-at-home boyfriend learn how to muck the stalls and feed your horses so you could actually ride when you go see them? Seems to me he owes you that much. If he hasn't offered than he is even more of a loser than your post indicates. If he has and you haven't taken him up on it, well, that just doesn't make any sense.

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                                      • #39
                                        Originally posted by lcw579 View Post
                                        You've gotten great advice and I agree with all of it.

                                        - ditch boyfriend
                                        - reduce herd
                                        - get a definitive diagnosis of your health problems

                                        But I have a question. Why haven't you insisted that stay-at-home boyfriend learn how to muck the stalls and feed your horses so you could actually ride when you go see them? Seems to me he owes you that much. If he hasn't offered than he is even more of a loser than your post indicates. If he has and you haven't taken him up on it, well, that just doesn't make any sense.
                                        doh - didnt think of that one,, and whilse hes there he could be mucking out others and getting some dosh for doing it until a proper job came about or he could work and clean the stalls for the barn owner in return for one horse to be kept free as you self care that just basic costs this also would allivate one neddy instead of paying for three

                                        if you anit going kick him out then get him to work for pay and or rent of one or two horses perhaps use your savvy
                                        plus if he also does what op on this quote surgested then you would have time to ride your horses
                                        theres always options -- alway a positive

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                                        • #40
                                          Wow, I'm so sorry about your situation. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. You sound like a hard worker. I can understand how it all came crashing down over something that to us, seems minor. I agree with the specific suggestions about making some changes in your life. You've got too much on your plate.

                                          However, I'll also mention that lunging in the arena where folks are trying to ride is really annoying. Many barns don't allow lunging in the riding arena. Is there not another area to do that? I imagine that if you were trooping out there with a third horse to lunge, folks might be kind of "over it." From the trainer's perspective, you were being inconsiderate. That doesn't excuse her being rude about it, but look at it from others' perspective.

                                          Hope today is great first day to the rest of your life!
                                          http://patchworkfarmga.com

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