Feeling Left Out. Or Am I Expecting Too Much?

[Old Mac Donald]

Maybe something else is causing this individual some stress in her life, and whilst she enjoys her lessons at the time, once the lesson is behind her, the "other thing" clouds it out. I know that when work was getting oppressive, I didn't want to talk to anyone, even my close family, about anything - horses, friends, nothing. I loved the horses, and continued to ride and train, but kept those fleeting moments of joy very private and very close to the chest.

[Canaqua]

I would wonder if the new program is making her feel self conscious about her riding.

That was my first thought too. If she's taking serious lessons for the first time, at a barn with solid instruction, she may have been relegated to "beginner" status, which might be hard to take and a bit embarrassing after riding for most of her life. She may not want to tell you the details of starting over from scratch and being told that how she's been doing things all along isn't correct.

[xeroxchick]

L

Um, I don't know why she would feel similar. I didn't "tag along," I went when I was invited.

Where did you get the idea I watched every move while she rode? Um, no, I watched some, sure, at that barn lessons can go on while other people ride independently in the same arena, some people sit around watching and learning outside, some people sit around talking, others are off doing other stuff. I wasn't exactly glued to the rail, eyes glued to the lesson!

Inviting someone to come hang out at the barn, introducing them to the other people there, isn't something someone does when they feel smothered! And asking for help catching lesson horse who is an artful dodger away from anyone with a halter in hand isn't exactly an indication of feeling smothered either, as far as I know.

At this new barn, the horses are usually up when they have a lesson scheduled, so they don't have to be caught and brought in. Students groom their own horses, any spectators hang out in the enclosed, climate-controlled viewing area!

Despite all these bonuses, I'm not asking to go out there with her. Just wondering why she never even talks about it. She seems to like the place, I figured she'd enjoy talking about her progress to someone who, unlike her immediate family, doesn't just say "Oh, now nice," and then change the subject from horses to something "everybody" is interested in.

Um, now I get why you stopped being invited.

[candyappy]

I have 2 ideas on this.

1. You are cousins, but that doesn't mean you will be friends. She has moved here and is now making her own friends and a new life for herself and sadly that may not include you as much as you hoped.

2. It might be she doesn't even realize that things have changed and that you feel shut out. Tell her honestly how you are feeling and see what happens.

[Highflyer]

Maybe she doesn't actually like it, or maybe she feels bad talking about it in front of you, knowing that you can't afford it? In any case I think it's weird to hold a grudge that she didn't thank you for recommending the barn. I would just let this one go. If you start taking lessons yourself it will probably clear things up anyway.

[Bicoastal]

Expecting too much camp

So she started taking lessons at this new barn, beginning the first of this year...I can't afford lessons there, but I enjoyed being there, and being with cousin and the others.
...
But what I really wish is that, whether I "deserve" it or not, I "wish" she would involve me at this barn as she did at the other one, at least telling me about it. I was always welcome there, so it's not some barn policy or anything.

I don't get it. SHE is paying for lessons, not you. I don't see how you "deserve" to continue to be included and involved because you found the lessons. Expecting too much. If you want regular barn time, pay for lessons or get hired as barn help.

Separate barn time from cousin time. Do you want to see your cousin for 2hrs every week? Do you want to see horses for 2hrs every week? Cousin could be feeling any zillion emotions about what you think you deserve. Some of those feelings could be pressured and used by a family member exploiting the relationship to get free barn therapy. Imagine if your cousin posted a thread from the other perspective...

I think you'd feel better and more secure if you had independent access to a barn. Does this barn need a mucker?

[00Seven]

It sounds to me like you are using cousin to get your barn fix.

The fact of the matter is, regardless of how the barn was found, it is her barn, her lessons, and her decision wether or not to bring you. She may have had you around before because she was lonely or insecure or just wanted a friend, but now is confident and comfortable enough to not need you as a buffer. Or she's realized that, hey, barn time is great me time!

Whatever her reason, I agree with the above posters that you "deserve" nothing, and you are probably reading way too much into this. However, I think that she does "deserve" to have whomever she wants or doesn't want at the barn.

I think of this situation as being akin to purchasing a horse with the help of a trainer - because the trainer found the horse, do they "deserve" to stay involved? No, is it the owner's choice to decide to pursue other ventures should they wish.

[Pocket Pony]

I think you are expecting too much and I hear some clingy-ness in your voice. I like to have "me" things. Riding lessons, yoga class, volunteering. Those are things I like to do by myself. I like meeting people in those environments and enjoy the time I spend with others there, but they are things for ME to do, not me and a friend or DH. Frankly, I'd be annoyed if someone wanted to tag along to my lessons a lot. Here and there would be okay (or if I had a friend visiting from out of town whom I'd be spending the day with anyway), but not on a regular basis. She needs to assimilate and make her own friends there and it may be hard to do with you in the picture.

[ReSomething]

That was my first thought too. If she's taking serious lessons for the first time, at a barn with solid instruction, she may have been relegated to "beginner" status, which might be hard to take and a bit embarrassing after riding for most of her life. She may not want to tell you the details of starting over from scratch and being told that how she's been doing things all along isn't correct.

Think about it. OP you've gone with her to all these places that were not quite up to your standards (probably) and now she's at the kind of barn where she's painfully aware of how much she didn't know and possibly pretty self conscious about it especially around you.

If you want to ride with her go find a nice trail ride to go on and do it for fun. If you want to take lessons then ask her if she would recommend this barn if you can afford it and do it for yourself.

I remember that I had a coworker that made half what I did and I would have loved to have had her ride at my lesson barn, but it wasn't cheap, and I was doing it for me and really felt awkward at best having her come take lessons there - if she wanted to take lessons, fine, but it's a social hour that revolves around one's skill level - I'll be doing the cross rails and she'll be doing the 3'6" and never the twain shall meet unless one of us hangs around for an extra hour rustling the ol packer schoolies from the paddock.

[SecretAgentMaam]

Speaking as a person who is taking lessons and is very much a beginner, I think I'd be pretty uncomfortable having you at the barn with me all the time. My wife came to one lesson to watch, but that's not going to be a regular thing. I brought a friend with me last week who wanted to take a lesson and see if the barn was a good fit for her (and check it out for me, since she's more experienced and might see big red flags that I'd miss). If she does start coming regularly, it would be because we're both going for barn time, and we'd be riding together, not one of us riding and the other "hanging out" because they can't afford to take lessons. That's a recipe for uncomfortable awkwardness. There are people at my barn who are there regularly but don't ride. They're the parents of children who are taking lessons. Having you coming along on a regular basis could easily be perceived as either you being the weird, clingy person who can't let her cousin do anything on her own, or your cousin being the weird, immature person who is an adult but still needs someone to come to the barn with her and hold her hand. If your cousin is over the age where she can get herself to and from the barn without assistance, then constantly bringing a non-rider with her would just seem odd.

[Withstand]

Instead of being super direct (could make thongs awkward) why not say something along the lines of "Hey! It's been so long since I've ridden/had lessons, and while I'm saving up, I'm going stir crazy! How is riding going? I would love to hear some awesome stories!"

[rustbreeches]

I really don't mean this to sound rude, but don't you think it is kind of strange for an adult to bring another adult EVERY WEEK to her lesson? She may not be talking to you about it because she doesn't want you shadowing her out there.

[Kwill]

Sadly, sounds like the new barn is snooty and she is picking up the attitudes from her barn friends. You mention you can't afford to take lessons there, and she can. Could it be she's picking up an elitist attitude, and they don't want someone without money hanging around there? It's a horrible thing to think, but some people are like that. They want to feel superior because they have more money and can afford expensive things others can't. If this is the case, you are better off without her friendship if she's that shallow.

[00Seven]

Sadly, sounds like the new barn is snooty and she is picking up the attitudes from her barn friends. You mention you can't afford to take lessons there, and she can. Could it be she's picking up an elitist attitude, and they don't want someone without money hanging around there? It's a horrible thing to think, but some people are like that. They want to feel superior because they have more money and can afford expensive things others can't. If this is the case, you are better off without her friendship if she's that shallow.

Seriously? New barn is more expensive therefore "snooty"?

OP: no. There are many other opinions on this thread that I would consider before even thinking about this ridiculousness.

[OverandOnward]

Whatever her reason, no point in jumping to conclusions because they could be wrong.

It's more important to respect her signals and give her some space. Don't take lessons at that barn unless/until she suggests it. Your relationship is what matters, and it's important to respect her side.

Don't take her silence personally. It may not be about you at all, it is more likely something just about her. It's as big a deal as you choose to make it, so choose not to make a big deal out of it. That will leave things open for a re-connection whenever the time is right.

Your cousin has been on quite a journey, as you've described it, from "don't need lessons, just want to ride" to being involved in a more intense lesson/training barn. (Assuming she is still there and engaged!) Very likely she's having to un-learn & re-learn. She may feel she's discovered she is not nearly the rider she thought she was. That's not a secure feeling, and she needs time to regain confidence before she has you involved again. Just a guess, but it would explain her avoidance of details.

Your horse world isn't centered around your cousin. Pursue your own horse path separately and when the time is right, the two of you will go on a ride together again!

Then tell her how much you enjoyed going to the barn with her and that you'd like to go again sometime soon. Her response will likely tell you what you want to know.

And whatever it is, accept it with a smile. You've both got your own lives and everything is fine - so long as you believe and act as if it is.

Think about it. OP you've gone with her to all these places that were not quite up to your standards (probably) and now she's at the kind of barn where she's painfully aware of how much she didn't know and possibly pretty self conscious about it especially around you.

Exactly - a very good possibility.

Just let her do her thing.

[merrygoround]

Hmm! How to put this.

She was muddling around trying to learn to ride from some one with little or no credentials. You have been fortunate enough to have had appropriate lessons for many years. You playing a good guru, found her a barn where she was happy, and learning and feels as though she is progressing. She is learning all sorts of new stuff, and you as leader have been replaced. And you miss your leader role. Who know what her hopes and dreams are now. You said her family has had horses before.

You can jump in and take lessons there too, as I gather you do not have a horse of your own. That would open a chance for shared activity, if she wants it.

[roseymare]

Why don't you suggest a trip to tack stores or a horse fair for some bonding time?

[OveroHunter]

Honest conversation time IMO.

Personally I'm also leaning towards the self conscious camp. There are some girls I rode with as a teenager that I'm still really good friends with. Two are pros now and I hate it when they're at shows I'm showing my horse at because I feel like such a crappy rider around them. They are awesome people and always say the nicest things about me and my horses, but I know I'm not as good as I once was and they only got better with age