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Almost HR ; Anyones marriage break up becasue of the horse thing?

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  • #61
    Sigh....

    I just left my husband in January. I know it was the right thing to do for both of us, but it still hurts and I wonder if I will every be in a happy partnership again. I knew I married him because he was the first person to take care of me and I also did not have the heart to tell him he wasn't the person for me (when I tried, he started crying and begging). So, I did enjoy our friendship and companionship, but I realized that it's not enough to make a marriage. How I wished I had been strong enough to break up with him then...

    He resented my riding here, and when I got a horse he tried to join in, but could never understand why I just liked to spend time at the barn.

    Is it normal to feel like a walking zombie? We were only married for about 2 years, knew each other for 3.

    After I left him he managed to get me banned from riding in the girls' program at the Sultan's Royal stables here, something I really loved because the competeing riders used to train us and I got to ride good jumping horses.
    He had sent a libelous email about me to the administration.

    Eventually, through the work of a few riders whom I'll always consider benefactors, I now am leasing a really wonderful Hanoverian who is privately owned by an Omani lady. She has bought a new horse and needed a rider for him. He is personality plus with a very kind eye. I know he can teach me a lot as we compete next year in the jumpers (No hunters here .

    This horse has been such a blessing in such a dark, confusing, painful time of much self-doubt.

    This is a rambling post. I just wanted to share and say I feel everyone's pain and I encourage Silk, Old A/O, and any other brave person who's had to do the right thing.

    In the words of Tiny Tim, God Bless us Everyone.

    Comment

    • #62
      Been there, done all that, got loads of t-shirts.

      I had countless (mainly because I can't bear to count them ) relationships that ended because I:

      a. Spent too much (of my) money on the horse
      b. Spent too much time at the barn
      c. Had insufficient interest in golf, scuba, parachuting, rock music, or [fill in the blank], i.e. whatever HE was interested in.
      d. Spent too much time at the barn
      e. Was emotionally 'unavailable' (i.e. tired of pandering to a whiny grownup brat)
      f. Spent too much time at the barn.

      HOWEVER ...

      There is hope. I've now been in a LT relationship with a fab guy for the last 6 years and there are wonderful men out there who accept and nurture and support.

      The bad news is, they all live in England. Get thee to the UK, girls. Men here are HUGE improvements on the American versions. I have studied this and it is so. They read. They cook. They drink wine. They have intelligent conversations (by which I mean two-way). They don't have guns. They think horses are posh, and all Brits like posh. Okay, they don't dress terrifically well, but you can live with that.

      Really. I'm thinking of starting a service to match up frustrated American women with lovely Brit men. Sign up now.

      Comment

      • Original Poster
        #63
        Trak....I sent you a PT
        Save a life...be an organ donor! Visit www.Transplantbuddies.org

        Comment

        • Original Poster
          #64
          <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">. Get thee to the UK, girls. Men here are HUGE improvements on the American versions. I have studied this and it is so. They read. They cook. They drink wine. They have intelligent conversations (by which I mean two-way). They don't have guns. They think horses are posh, and all Brits like posh. Okay, they don't dress terrifically well, but you can live with that.

          </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

          My renal doctor is from the UK and he is pretty much like you just described. He is a little "stuffy" and I wonder if he ever lets loose and have fun?
          Save a life...be an organ donor! Visit www.Transplantbuddies.org

          Comment

          • #65
            Silk, the July issue of Kiplinger's Personal Finance has an excellent article on avoiding the financial train-wrecks often associated with divorce. Most major booksellers stock copies.

            Other online resources are available here .
            The inherent vice of Capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings. The inherent virtue of Socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.
            Winston Churchill

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            • #66
              <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Silk:
              My renal doctor is from the UK and he is pretty much like you just described. He is a little "stuffy" and I wonder if he ever lets loose and have fun? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

              That is actually two questions.

              Do they ever let loose? No. It is way unBritish.

              Do they have fun? Resounding yes. Usually involves irony.

              Comment

              • #67
                <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Been there, done all that, got loads of t-shirts.

                I had countless (mainly because I can't bear to count them ) relationships that ended because I:

                a. Spent too much (of my) money on the horse
                b. Spent too much time at the barn
                c. Had insufficient interest in golf, scuba, parachuting, rock music, or [fill in the blank], i.e. whatever HE was interested in.
                d. Spent too much time at the barn
                e. Was emotionally 'unavailable' (i.e. tired of pandering to a whiny grownup brat)
                f. Spent too much time at the barn.

                HOWEVER ...

                There is hope. I've now been in a LT relationship with a fab guy for the last 6 years and there are wonderful men out there who accept and nurture and support.

                The bad news is, they all live in England. Get thee to the UK, girls. Men here are HUGE improvements on the American versions. I have studied this and it is so. They read. They cook. They drink wine. They have intelligent conversations (by which I mean two-way). They don't have guns. They think horses are posh, and all Brits like posh. Okay, they don't dress terrifically well, but you can live with that.

                Really. I'm thinking of starting a service to match up frustrated American women with lovely Brit men. Sign up now. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                This made me laugh.... I've been lurking on this post for awhile but feel I should jump in now... I was married but divorced in Jan 2001. Same thing, I suppose, I wanted to do things, he didn't... he worked all the time. I'm not a needy person but every once in awhile I'd ask him to take the day off (he worked weekends too) so we could stuff and he wouldn't. Got tired of it... so I filed in Oct. 2000. It was quick as we had no children... just split 50/50... we did the counseling thing first... as of course, once I said I was filing, he changed his tune... "I can take time off so we can spend time together, I can do &lt;&lt;fill in blank&gt;&gt;, etc." He also drank, his father was a recovering Alcoholic (had a liver transplant)... and eventually died. He was usually fine drunk, but when we were going through the rough time, he did get violent... won't elaborate, but you can guess. So I filed and left...

                Isn't it amazing that once he realized he was going to lose me, he said could do all these things now? Well, unfortunately, it was too little, too late. Was the best thing for me in the end... but it was hard.

                Now fast forward to now... am with a wonderful man that likes to do things... very supportive of my "hobbies" as I am of his (yes, he has hobbies unlike my ex who did nothing...).

                We dated for 3 years before we got married (just this past Oct 2004 in Jamaica... it was lovely). And he's BRITISH... this is why I posted once I saw this response.

                JE is right... I don't know what is about them, but he is perfect for me... I dated a couple other men (American) but after I dated Nick a few times, there was no turning back.

                He's not a horse person, per se, but loves that I'm doing something I enjoy and does come out to watch a lesson on occasion and came to my first show (see link... he took the pics)... he loves to watch me... how sweet.

                He is learning about horses by default... and he's even mentioned taking some lessons. LOL

                So everyone out there... hang on. It does get better... and if it doesn't work out, then it really wasn't meant to be.

                Comment

                • #68
                  Actually my husband does let loose and has a good time and can be very silly... he's not your typical Brit but does have many of the good qualities.

                  Comment

                  • #69
                    It's official, lsm1212 and I are starting the British Men Appreciation Clique.

                    Yours sounds wonderful, too.

                    Mine went so far as to take 6 months of lessons in order to be able to hold a conversation about horses .... not only was he a complete novice with horses, but he's wildly allergic to anything with fur. Picture breeches, boots, helmet, surgical mask, thick gloves ....

                    Comment

                    • #70
                      JE,

                      LOL.... mine love animals (thank god, as we also have 3 dogs, one of which is his). He is learning how to handle Ivanna (as he says, just in case I get sick or hurt for awhile, he can come and take care of her ~~ even though I have full board, he wants to be able to brush her, walk her, etc.)... but my ex just didn't understand nor support anything I wanted to do with my animals... he said it cost too much money, and yes with him, money was a bit tight but I was careful.

                      With my lovely Brit, he's the one that pushes ME to do things... when I wanted and was considering buying a horse (which I would have never been able to do w/ ex), all he said was "Let's put it down on paper and see if it's doable"... and it was but we had to do some tweaking of how household things were paid and changed the payment ratio (long story) to make it work, he has sacraficed a few things so I can have Ivanna but was very glad to do it... he's just happy that I've found something again that makes me happy. And in return, I do the same.

                      It makes our relationship so much better that we both have things that we do seperately and then when we are together, we have so much to talk about and enjoy our time together so much more.

                      For example, went to an A show to shop w/ my trainer... spend "waaayyy" too much money and bought an entire show outfit (coat, shirt, breeches, boots, helmet, etc). Called him on the way home... he of course, acted "mad"... his way of joking around... asked me to pass the phone to my trainer... she was laughing the entire time she was on the phone with him... when she hung up she just shook her head... I was like "what did he say" and she replied that all he said was "what ever makes Linda happy".

                      Now is he the bomb, or what?! Now if I hadn't gotten out of the bad situation I was in before, I would have never met this wonderful man. Again, everything happens for a reason...

                      Now nothing is perfect, he (and I) definately have our flaws... and he makes me mad on occasion (but I think that is more the Venus and Mars thing)... but all in all, he's great. The funny thing is, when he's mad... it's not like "American" mad... I have never heard him raise his voice... just not in his nature. That's where the Brit thing comes in... and he has never verbally (nor physically) abused me... sooooooo he's a keeper. LOL

                      JE, will have to add that to my signature line... British Men Appreciation Clique. You and me girl!

                      Comment

                      • #71
                        I have a Brit too! It is official, everyone should get one once they are disillusioned with American men. My Brit loves animals, grew up being afraid of horses but is trying to like them (he likes my horse, anyway), and encourages me to do whatever makes me happy. We have activities and interests we do together as well as our own hobbies. I try to make an effort to be supportive of his hobbies and watch his soccer games from time to time, and he does the same to me.

                        Silk, I am sure that you two just grew apart over time, and it isn't really the horses. The horses are just an excuse, I think, probably not the underlying reason. I had a 5 year relationship that had to end because we just outgrew each other. Maybe that is what has happened here. Good luck to you!

                        Comment

                        • #72
                          When I got home from the IEA HT two weeks ago, my husband of three years (today's our Anniversary!) told me that he was no longer in love with me and wanted a divorce.

                          We had been going to counseling for about 9 months to address issues in our marriage. The primary issues are that he would never share in my life/interests whatsoever regardless of the fact that I made tremendous efforts to be interested in his (I can go on and on about baseball now...). As a result, this drove me away where I spent more and more time at the barn with my horse. He resented the horse and withheld interest in that even more and so on and so forth.

                          I made a major overhaul on my schedule during the last six months to spend more time with him (less with the horse), do more around the house and meet all of his requests/needs for happiness in the marriage.

                          He acknowledged that I had made tremendous efforts at our marriage, but he just didn't feel like he loved me anymore. He is really hung up on the fact that we aren't still in that euphoric stage of love that we had in the beginning. Even though EVERYONE has told him that no one stays there and that love progresses to different stages, he can't get past it.

                          He has finally admitted that he is most likely responsible for the unraveling of our relationship, because I would clearly tell him my needs and he would just refuse to meet them.

                          There is some sort of fundamental issue with him that keeps him from meeting me halfway on certain issues. We're trying to explore those with the hopes that he might be able to make a change, but who knows.

                          We separated last week and plan to stay separated for a few months.

                          I'm completely heartbroken. He's the love of my life. It wasn't until we were in marriage that we realized that there were so many issues. We were together for two years before we married, but sometimes the issues don't come up until you're actually there.

                          So right now, I'm trying to figure out what I should do; what would be best for me. I have to face the fact that he may never be able to meet my needs in this marriage. Of course, he may just go ahead and divorce me and there's nothing I can really do about it.

                          He's close to 40 so quite a few of my friends think this stinks of an early mid-life crisis. (He did just buy a really nice car...)

                          Luckily, I have some great girlfriends who have been so supportive. They are quick to point out how smart, successful, etc. I am. I just love them for that!

                          Still, this is so incredibly painful.

                          Thanks for stating this post. I've discovered that reaching out to others is so wonderful. I could never weather this alone.

                          Comment

                          • #73
                            <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">He acknowledged that I had made tremendous efforts at our marriage, but he just didn't feel like he loved me anymore. He is really hung up on the fact that we aren't still in that euphoric stage of love that we had in the beginning. Even though EVERYONE has told him that no one stays there and that love progresses to different stages, he can't get past it.

                            He has finally admitted that he is most likely responsible for the unraveling of our relationship, because I would clearly tell him my needs and he would just refuse to meet them.

                            There is some sort of fundamental issue with him that keeps him from meeting me halfway on certain issues. We're trying to explore those with the hopes that he might be able to make a change, but who knows.

                            We separated last week and plan to stay separated for a few months. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                            Phew! After being around horses, you should be used to manure spreaders...he's the industrial kind.

                            I'm sorry you're going through this...he is so full of scata, it's not funny.

                            He's got a girlfriend. Guys don't leave a marriage of 3 years because they're "not in love" etc. They give his lines of "he's responsible" and "doesn't love you anymore". I'm sorry, but he's got a girlfriend and he's not going to come back. The "temporary separation" is a cowardly way to get away while making noises of working on the problem...after so many months he'll say, "you know, I'm happier and I know you'll be happier without me...blah, blah & blah" and will say "the two of you have gone on your way...you're really too good for him etc... (well, he's right there)"

                            It's great you tried to spend more time as "family" and not at the barn...but it was sadly wasted on him. This was a solution to a problem that wasn't really there.

                            Remember, guys don't typically leave unless there is someone else to go to.

                            Good luck and protect yourself. Don't fall into the unhappy ex-wife group of friends who will poison the future "relationship well" with their own spite. Be careful who you talk to, some people just love to hear tales of woe to share with others.
                            "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"

                            Comment

                            • #74
                              <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">I have a Brit too! It is official, everyone should get one once they are disillusioned with American men. My Brit loves animals, grew up being afraid of horses but is trying to like them (he likes my horse, anyway), and encourages me to do whatever makes me happy. We have activities and interests we do together as well as our own hobbies. I try to make an effort to be supportive of his hobbies and watch his soccer games from time to time, and he does the same to me. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                              b328,

                              Welcome to the clique!

                              Comment

                              • #75
                                <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Trakehner:
                                He's got a girlfriend. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
                                Gotta agree with that!
                                www.savethehorses.org GA Horse Rescue
                                http://community.webshots.com/user/seahorsefarm

                                Comment

                                • #76
                                  <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by JE:

                                  Really. I'm thinking of starting a service to match up frustrated American women with lovely Brit men. Sign up now. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                  If this applies to Canadian women as well, sign me up

                                  If I can add my two cents as a single woman...yes, it is possible to take care of it all, by yourself, financially. It can get scary at times and you may have to do some creative accounting some months, but it is definitely doable.

                                  I have never been married, nor have I been in a long term relationship after moving out of my parents' house. I have a good job - the money is good, nowhere near 6 figures, but it's good. I have a house of my own (first house was a fixer-upper which I flipped a few years later for a large profit). Second house also needed some work, but was a great price (very small house but a great piece of property), and I was able to put a huge downpayment on it from the money I made from the first house, so my mortgage is very reasonable. I have the 4x4, the horse at a nice boarding facility, the dog, and still have money left over (most of the time) for fun stuff...like tack shopping. I'm not jetting off to Paris or Hawaii, but that's the price I pay for having the horse.

                                  Am I happy being single? You bet. Would I pass on a good relationship if it presented itself? No way. But I am extremely content with my life (and my dog and my horse, of course). I'm not lonely, just alone.
                                  **Patch wearing member of the Mighty Thoroughbred Clique**

                                  Comment

                                  • #77
                                    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Tisha2:
                                    I'm not lonely, just alone. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>



                                    Well said.
                                    model citizen, zero discipline

                                    Comment

                                    • #78
                                      I think Trakehner is right.

                                      Comment

                                      • #79
                                        OMG someone check to see if hell is freezing over. I actually agreed with and was not offended by a post from Trakehner. I guess all things are possible.
                                        Keith: "Now...let's do something normal fathers and daughters do."
                                        Veronica: "Buy me a pony?"

                                        Comment

                                        • #80
                                          An acquaintance of my friend (acquaintance is DOGGY, not HORSEY) met a Scotsman online. They married, and he is living over here. From what I hear, they are very happy.

                                          Where do I sign up?

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