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Almost HR ; Anyones marriage break up becasue of the horse thing?

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  • #41
    Two separate points to make here:

    1) VWS - I wouldn't read too much into the blow up following his damaging his car. I hadn't damaged my car but I had done something equally stupid and took it out on my boyfriend. I told him that I hated that when I was around he played computer games (I was watching TV) I hated that he didn't treat me like his last girlfriend (they had broken up because he couldn't live that way anymore) and that I hated that I sometimes said things to him and he didn't even acknowledge me (he's quite deaf in his right ear from skeet shooting as a kid)... I didn't have a right to say any of those things. Nor did I mean any of them because clearly they all had excellent reasons for occurring. I just needed to blow up and he was the one person that I knew I could yell at for all of the stupid little things that I could think of, that would forgive me. I literally just thought of the quickest things I could and yelled, if he had thought that there was some sort of belief behind those things, we would have been in trouble. Instead, he got up, took my wrist and dragged me outside and to get ice cream... Within 30 minutes I was apologizing and realizing how completely stupid it had been...

    2) As far as divorcing with kids. Same boyfriend's parents started divorcing when he was three. Finished when he was 7. Bankrupted eachother, stayed with his dad in teh stall of a barn, then stayed with his mom in a homeless shelter... (neither had family in the area)Slowly life worked itself out, his mom was able to buy their house back from teh bank, dad got a new house and a new wife. Custody was split 50/50. He has forgiven them all of that, what he has not forgiven them for is that during high school and college, every time he saw one of them, he had to see the other. Every time he spent a weekend at one's house, he had to spend a weekend at the other. To this day (14 years after last day in court) they still don't speak at events (such as his graduation)and they get angry with him when he can't devote perfectly even amounts of time...

    What I've learned from all of my friends with divorced parents is that you will be forgiven for the divorce, what you won't be forgiven for is anymosity towards the other parent afterwards. So if you do divorce, as hard as it may be, bite your tongue instead of critisizing the other parent and NEVER use your kids as spies...

    Okay, I'm done

    1-800
    \"Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag and begin slitting throats.\"

    \"Betwixt the stirrup and the ground, mercy I asked and mercy I found.\"

    Comment

    • #42
      Old A/O, there is no reason you should be embarrassed about the state of your marriage or your husband's substance abuse. Please get a restraining order or take whatever steps necessary to protect yourself from his anger. And now that you have brought the subject out in the open there are so many wonderful, caring people on this BB to offer their support. Coincidentally I too have kidney disease and will be facing dialysis or transplant in the future and it helps me to know that when the time comes I will be able to post here amongst people who have been through the same problems.

      Comment

      • Original Poster
        #43
        <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by bip:
        Silk,
        My husband had a kidney transplant about two months ago. I don't think he was sick for as long as you were, his creatinine was 5-6 for less than a year (long enough, but he didn't have to go on dialysis). He has had a lot of problems since then (no rejection or drug toxcicity, thank God, but lots "plumbing" problems--the doctors call them "minor" but they don't seem minor to us!)
        </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

        I had some drug interaction and drug toxicity problems but no plumbing problems. My potassium was so high at one point they wanted to hospitalize me, but against medical advise (and Mr. Trainer's advise) i went to a horse show anyway. Smokey won all 4 classes in his division. He was also reserve champion in the hunter pleasure.

        Anyway, it did take a while for them to get the drugs regulated. A lot of the patients I knew from the hospital had plumbing problesm - and most were men (OK Trakhener - come at me for this one, as sexist as that was). I think it has to do with the "length" of the plumbing, so o speak (again, here is chance to be a dink, Trak)
        Save a life...be an organ donor! Visit www.Transplantbuddies.org

        Comment

        • Original Poster
          #44
          <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">

          OK, glad to. As one of the few male representatives here, I would like to thank you, all the sows like you: misandryst, bitter, nasty and self-centred women for leaving men alone.

          There are enough happy and well-adjusted women in the world who love horses for us to bother with your type. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>



          Oh GAWD!!!!!!!!!! Ia there a way to lock someone out of a thread?!?!?!

          Get out of my thread you freaking loser!!!!! Man or not (and I question your man-power, if you know what I mean) you are the biggest prick I have met yet.


          BTW, none of the men or women on this board find you the least bit endearing.
          Save a life...be an organ donor! Visit www.Transplantbuddies.org

          Comment

          • #45
            Silk ... The thread was going along quite well. I've learned much to respect about people on Coth... Trak was responding to a comment directed to him.

            I suggest you edit your last comment to avoid something unnessesary and detracting to your thread.
            Equus makus brokus but happy

            Comment

            • #46
              Old AO...*Never* be embarassed about substance abusing spouses and/or family members. You didn't cause it and no matter how much one likes to think "If only I did this...or didn't do that...." you'll never change it. It's absolutely nothing to be embarassed about.
              I know, easier said than done to not be embarassed...but we're always our own harshest judges and please know nobody else has any opinions on this subject that would be an embarassment to you. My father died of alcoholism...and before anyone thinks "Oh geez, I'm sorry!"...please don't. I never really knew him...he never knew me. He didn't even know his wife had given birth to 6 children...(I'm number 6)...he could only remember 5 of them. And not even all their names. So I never missed having a father...I never had to deal with his drunken rages as I was too young and I never made the comparison that all my friends had dads...back then all moms stayed home and all dads worked. I just assumed mine was working too...since nobody else's dad was ever home either.

              And maybe we can all learn a thing or two about the other gender's opinions of this if we stop taking evrything the other gender says personally. I am a female...however I do notice that *every* thread having to do with husbands, BF's or male SO's always turns into a male bashing fest. Yes, many of us have known/been married to losers. But losers come in both genders and it's unfair to constantly bash one gender just because this BB happens to be predominantly female. There are still male members who would understandably get tired of being lumped with the losers in life just because they have a dangling wangle. If someone bashed all females..we'd all get our ruffs up too.
              You jump in the saddle,
              Hold onto the bridle!
              Jump in the line!
              ...Belefonte

              Comment

              • Original Poster
                #47
                <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by hosspuller:
                Silk ... The thread was going along quite well. I've learned much to respect about people on Coth... Trak was responding to a comment directed to him.

                I suggest you edit your last comment to avoid something unnessesary and detracting to your thread. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                Yes, I probably should. However, if you follow his posts, you will find that this is his regular M.O.

                I dont care for his inflammatory posts and neither do most of the women on this board.
                Save a life...be an organ donor! Visit www.Transplantbuddies.org

                Comment

                • #48
                  Thank you everyone for your concern. Actually now, I am doing quite well but it has been some months.

                  It takes time to shift gears and get back to a normal world. The world of an addict is so confusing. I am enjoying normal. I mean really boring normal.

                  I did not mean to hijack Silk's thread but I just wanted her to know she is not alone. There are so many women living with abusive addicts and are afraid to leave or demand a stop to the abuse. When they call it a family disease they are not kidding. It truly has its grip on everyone in the family.

                  I have been going to Alanon and a counselor for me and how to get over the abuse. I am working on just being me.

                  Take care Silk. The money thing is a tough call. Perhaps, you can start planning so if you ever feel like you need to leave. You can close the door on your unhappy life and open the door on a new one.

                  I have my own business so somewhat I am set. After the first divorce, I learned I would never ever be unemployed again.

                  Most of all it has to be your choice what ever you do. Sometimes, friends and family thrive on gossip and excitement. Sometimes, they may push you in the leaving direction. You will know what is right and when it is the right time for you to take action, if you ever do. I hope you two can get reconnected and have a great life.

                  Again, Silk take care.

                  Comment

                  • #49
                    1) I think Trakehner was calling Ridgetop Ghost the sow. They're in love, you know

                    2) I hope all of you who have posted your troubles find happiness, with or without your pigs, err...I mean partners
                    Still Crazy After All These Years

                    Comment

                    • #50
                      <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Silk:
                      <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by hosspuller:
                      Silk ... The thread was going along quite well. I've learned much to respect about people on Coth... Trak was responding to a comment directed to him.

                      I suggest you edit your last comment to avoid something unnessesary and detracting to your thread. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                      Yes, I probably should. However, if you follow his posts, you will find that this is his regular M.O.

                      I dont care for his inflammatory posts and neither do most of the women on this board. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                      Eh, Silk. I really don't care for Trakehner very much either, but his post on this thread was pretty mild. Ridgetop Ghost was provoking him and she deserved it.
                      Keith: "Now...let's do something normal fathers and daughters do."
                      Veronica: "Buy me a pony?"

                      Comment

                      • #51
                        I wish you guys were available to my sister...she's going through a divorce now and is devastated. She won't talk to anyone and no one has any idea what is going on. She has no job skills, no work experience (she'll be 50 next month) and a 13 year old to finsih raising. I lost another sister about 4 years ago - after a divorce she went into a cave and has never come out. I haven't talked to her in about 3 years.

                        I hope that you all have/get/find support. I'm not where you are at the moment, but I'm one bad day away, if you know what I mean. And I've been divorced and all I can say is that eventually it becomes one foggy dream that you can't remember the details too any more...eventually you look back from your new perspective and wonder if that ever really happened.

                        hang in there.

                        Comment

                        • #52
                          Silk: I was in a similar situation last August. Just one week after our 13th anniversary we both wanted out. He wanted to stay on the farm and I worried about how I would/could afford my 4 horses. He thought I should leave and I asked about my horses he said they could stay until the property sold. That was all it took for me to leave.

                          We were apart 2 months before we started "dating". We were apart for 8 months total and are now back together. Things are much better. We both had time to stand back and see why we were together in the first place. Fortunately no abuse or anything except everyday life getting in the way. I did find the horses get in the way - he wants more of them than I do and I get tired of the work sometimes.

                          We've cut back on the horses a bit and are trying to make sure that we don't take each other for granted. We're even going to go horse camping for a few days which is going to be great.

                          Good luck in whatever you decide. Take it one day at a time. There are days that I do miss having my apartment with no real responsibilities.

                          Nancy!

                          Comment

                          • #53
                            I don't think it is because of horses. I think it is more along the lines of different expectations.

                            There are plenty of couples who get along famously in spite of different and separate hobbies or passions.

                            OH, and women can be pigs too! I know one guy who's wife left not only him, but three horses (which where hers) the farmette and their KID!
                            The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. Oscar Wilde

                            Comment

                            • #54
                              a statistic for you....

                              Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Thus proving it is not your horses.

                              My marriage ended one year ago in January. I left him. Why? Because he felt the need to date while we were married. Squandered every penny I made on his own whims, and mentally abused me.

                              Am I bitter? Not one bit. We are both happier. We were not good for each other.

                              When I realized that it was HIS problem, and had nothing to do with me, it was easier. I hope to goodness that he learned from it and treats his new girlfriend better than he did me.

                              Councilling helped. I still don't trust all men in general, but am very open to the idea that there are some out there who are good.

                              Being single is good. You have the control over your life that you were lacking when you had an abusive spouse. Revel in it, enjoy it.

                              The financial will come. Just persevere, be strong and believe in yourself.

                              It sounds corny, I know, but if you believe that it will get better ... it will. I am living proof.

                              Had I known how happy I would be on the other side of the heartache and despair I was feeling while married, I would have gotten out sooner.

                              The spouse in the wrong will blame what they can on the other. Have you ever seen Cheaters? When they are caught what do they say... "It isn't what you think" and "I did it for you"

                              Do NOT blame yourself. Look forward to a new and happy life and hold your head up high, because you got out. You are strong or you would not have left. Period. Remember that and believe in yourself. You will get through it. My thoughts are with you.

                              Comment

                              • #55
                                We are available hundredacres...get her in here

                                My husband and I love each other deeply..it's liking each other that gets screwed up...I'm tired of changing MY behaviors/habits/outlook/anything/everything and him still not being happy. I just want to find and BE myself..and be loved anyway...Just like I do for him....the words conditional/unconditional come to mind...
                                *************************
                                Go, Baby, Go......
                                Aefvue Farms Footing Inspector

                                Comment

                                • #56
                                  [QUOTE]Originally posted by Irish Ei's:
                                  My husband and I love each other deeply..it's liking each other that gets screwed up...QUOTE]

                                  Irish count me in. Mr Gunnar and I do not fight or even have a lot of problems. It is just hard to live and be friends with someone, no matter what your gender.

                                  With my busy life it is hard to be friends with someone who does not love horses the way I do. So horses can be a cause to break up. I think horse lovers are a rare breed that few can endure so I am lucky to have Mr.Gunnar in the end. Who would ride Bodie at the walk when everyone else was too scared?

                                  Silk, hang in there!!! Are you doing OK?

                                  A/O you are doing your best. I come from a drinking family. My Mother would run far away very fast if she had it to do over again. She has been married to my Drunken Dad for 50 years so she ought to know!!!It is not fun.
                                  Steph

                                  http://community.webshots.com/user/stephanne014

                                  Rerider/Haydunker Clique

                                  RIP Barbaro, you were my hero!

                                  Comment

                                  • #57
                                    Yes, my marriage almost broke up, and my husband blamed the horse, but that wasn't it. He was miserable with alot of things going wrong in his life, and I didn't have the time to take care of him, or baby him along (I had gone back to work to support us) Between his neediness, my horse, and a new job, I had too much to deal with, and I left.

                                    We separated, and it was absolutely the best thing we ever did. It didn't take long for him to realize I didn't love my horse more than him, and that in fact, he was still miserable, even with me gone. So, he got it together, got a new job (that he loves) and got me back

                                    More than one year later, we are stronger and more in love than before. It is hard sometimes not to be able to share my passion for horses with him, but, he goes to the stables sometimes and pets Joker, gives him apples, and doesn't complain too much about the outrageous costs.

                                    BUT, for it to work, it takes TWO. You can't do it alone, and there is a reason it is called a partnership. Don't let fear of the unknown (in both cases, staying together or breaking up) keep you from making the decisions you need to make.

                                    Good luck you

                                    Comment

                                    • #58
                                      <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Pixie Dust:
                                      I don't think it is because of horses. I think it is more along the lines of different expectations.

                                      There are plenty of couples who get along famously in spite of different and separate hobbies or passions.

                                      OH, and women can be pigs too! I know one guy who's wife left not only him, but three horses (which where hers) the farmette and their KID! </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                      AND JUST HOW DOES THAT MAKE HER A PIG??? I left my PIG of a husband, farmlet, 3 horses and 3 kids.

                                      Now here's the point. My children were happily settled in a rural area where I knew they would have good support from friends and neighbours. Why would I put them through the upheaval of new locality, new schools etc at the very time they needed support.

                                      Also I didn't put them through a Court battle - I also knew it wouldn't be very long before I had them back - within 6 months actually. My children are all grown now. Strangely it took the eldest the longest time to understand what happened and why, but I am happy to say that we are all close.

                                      Don't judge unless you know the situation. In fact don't judge.

                                      Comment

                                      • #59
                                        well, as for kids and divorce, the worst thing my parents ever did was stay together "because of the kids". if they'd divorced long before, or better yet, never married, maybe just banged me and my sibs out and been done with it ( gonna catch it for that one somewhere) they would have been happier people and then we'd have been happier kids, too. but they stayed together due to lifestyle, not life.
                                        my husband and i nearly divorced years back, due to an accident i had ( see infamous concussion thread from event forum). he coudln't handle what happened to me, and turned into a real bastard, whom i had to get to know all over again. i was hell bent on getting the heck out of dodge. lots and lots and lots and lots of counseling...he blamed everything on the horses, even as i was recovering form the accident, he blamed the time i spent at the barn on the demise of our marriage. more counseling, and you know what saved ou rmarriage? i'm ashamed to admit it, becasue it wasn't the kids, or the house, or our history, it was my horses. i couldn't have kept them on my own. was terrified to lose them. so i decided to try, and trudged on to the counseling. my shrink was convinced i'd be at the lawyer's down the hall within a year, cuase he unwrapped all of my "private" stuff, in sessions alone. that sounds dirty - not what i meant. i mean i disclosed things to him that didn't come up in our joint sessions.
                                        anyway, secular and then religious counseling, and he started to mellow. it turned out it wasn't the horses all along for him, they were his scapegoat. after a while, it wasn't becuase of fear of losing my hoses i stayed with him, it was fear of losing him. it took a few years to get to this point - some days i wonder where i'd be if we'd made it to court. some days i want to take him to court. but those are few, and we have grown.
                                        it's not your horses. there are underlying reasons, which is my point other than the one at the top of my head.
                                        God bless you, and good luck. same to all the others that have posted here, the human condition is such a fragile one.
                                        \"The Grace of God is found between the saddle and the ground.\"

                                        Comment

                                        • #60
                                          <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Silk:
                                          I dont care for his inflammatory posts and neither do most of the women on this board. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                          I do. Trak usually types what I'm thinking but too apathetic to post.

                                          Howeeeeeever, I too am divorced from a guy who was very jealous of my barn time and had no hobby of his own. It's been four years since I up and left and I haven't looked back or regretted it one bit. I took what I could fit in my little Saturn and that was that. And the breaking point was me buying my mare, Hillary.

                                          My new year's resolution for 2005 was "less drama, more gym." So far so good.

                                          YOU hold the power to let others affect you. Regardless, all the posters herein going through hard times -- you're in my thoughts.
                                          model citizen, zero discipline

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