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Almost HR ; Anyones marriage break up becasue of the horse thing?

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  • #21
    Wow; how wierd is this; my boyfriend (of 10 years) and I just got into a huge fight about the fact that I spend "too much $$" on my horse. It was so wierd though; just came out of the blue; I had a show on Sat. and did very well in my Equitation class, and he had even said that he was happy for me! Then out of nowhere (cuz he ran over a culvert with his truck tire and now is pissed about having pay for it maybe?? ) he just blows up on me. We've lived together for several years, and our $$ arrangement has always been the same! It's worked all along; and if wanted some extra $ for help around the farm, why didn't he just ask!?!?!
    It was not cool; he flipped out; it was a side of him I've RARELY seen and didn't like it at all I thought, gee whiz, if he REALLY feels like that, what is the point!? Even when I had my turnout injury with my Greenie, my b/f was there and had even said "oh the horse didn't do it on purpose; he's really a nice guy" and then today he said the horse was a spazz. Um, which is it!? The horse may have spazzed *that day* but he's NOT a spazz. You know how dumb young TBs get in Winter when they've been off for 2 months with limited turnout Anyway, I digress; that's not the first time we've argued about my $$ going to horses, but this is the first time he's really gone nuts about it - like he just can't accept it any more .
    I dunno. My horse is for sale anyway since I'm planning to do my PhD next year, but then is my b/f going to complain about the time and $$ that I put into SCHOOL!?!?! Right now, I'm just very

    phew; sorry for the longwinded reply, but as you can see, you are not alone! ;o
    You'd think I'd know better.

    AQHA Clique, Pony Club Clique and Member/Co-founder of the Boot to the Head Clique! (Members NOT wanted)

    Comment


    • #22
      Silk,
      My husband had a kidney transplant about two months ago. I don't think he was sick for as long as you were, his creatinine was 5-6 for less than a year (long enough, but he didn't have to go on dialysis). He has had a lot of problems since then (no rejection or drug toxcicity, thank God, but lots "plumbing" problems--the doctors call them "minor" but they don't seem minor to us!)

      In some ways it has made us stronger, but it has also been enormously trying. I think that you are around my age, and most people's marriages aren't subject to this kind of stress until they are much older (like 60!)

      I don't think it's the horses, I think it's the fallout from your illness. It has been a third party to your marriage for a long time -- it's not your fault or his fault, it's just so complicated and there is so much going on, so much fear, anger, doubt, and more fear that it is easy for your relationship to get out of control. You have both been through a lot.

      I am so happy that your transplant went well and that you are healthy again. Best of luck with your husband, whatever path you two choose to take.

      Comment


      • #23
        <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">And finally: men are pigs--run from them. OK fire away (Trak)--I don't care--that's what I think of most of them--who needs 'em? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

        OK, glad to. As one of the few male representatives here, I would like to thank you, all the sows like you: misandryst, bitter, nasty and self-centred women for leaving men alone. There are enough happy and well-adjusted women in the world who love horses for us to bother with your type.
        "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"

        Comment


        • #24
          I have been married three times, and belive me, divorce has nothing to do with having too much interest in a hobby: it's about having no interest in your partner! One tends to be overinvolved in something because you have to fill the emptiness with something fulfiling.

          As for financial security, don't worry: things tend to work out. If you think it will be hard to upkeep two ponies, then you are wise enough to sell him to a good home before it turns into a burden. What you don't need is more pressure now. When I first divorced, my ex was violent, alcoholic and had swindled me into bancruptcy. Today, I've rcovered financially and am happily married. Life goes on...and falls into place while it's at it!

          I think it's great to be single....if you're happy with your life.
          I also think it's good to be married....if you're happy with your life.
          Unforunately there is not one key to happiness, but thousands. If there were only one, it would be soooooo easy! Once you found it, everything would be perfect! And we all know it doesn't work that way...
          Keep your chin up! This is the dawn to a new beggining!
          Over what hill? Where? When? I don\'t remember any hill....

          www.freewebs.com/caballerizadelviso

          Comment


          • #25
            I went through a very nasty breakup in a way. He was an ex that I then lived with for a while. We were married in just about every way, including the fighting etc. Worst part...he was a horse person. And we fought about the horses constantly...not IF the money should go to them, but how it should go to them (because we all know that there's never quite enough for everything you want).

            So it's not the horses per say...it's the underlying issues.

            And I still hurt...dear lord I ache when I think about the tears and pain and mess that we went through when splitting. In a way we abused the hell out of each other. I gained large ammounts of weight and ended up blaming myself for both of our issues.

            But I've done the single thing...lived in this big house all alone...and dealt with the scary noises and scary bills that now are all on my shoulders. I'm rebuilding my life, going to finish my degree and met a wonderful guy that supports my horses and life to the Nth degree.

            Life does and will go one. You will get through it. You will find strength in yourself and friends you didn't know you had. You will know yourself better than you ever have before. And one day, you'll wake up and look in the mirror through that foggy after-shower haze and smile because you're strong AND happy.

            Hugs, Jingles and all that...come give us an update so we know all is well.

            Comment


            • #26
              Oh my dear friends. Sounds like we all have stories to share about this issue, and I know there have been posts about it in the past.

              Let's see. Ex-Mr.-PP and I got divorced in 2003. When we met and were dating (and we lived together for 3 years before we got married, dated for 5 total), I wasn't riding. It was actually he who got me back into it by getting me a gift certificate for lessons one year for my birthday. UH-OH, he didn't know what he got himself into!!! (I rode as a kid and young teen) Six months after I started my lessons, I bought a horse and have been obsessed ever since.

              He always had his thing, though - lacrosse, ice hockey, mountain biking, kayaking, snowboarding. So riding really wasn't taking time away from him because he was always out doing his own thing. But I think it was the passion and energy I put into that part of my life that he was jealous of, because I didn't feel that way about him.

              As a side note, he too would sit and play video games for hours. Or he'd come home, grab a beer, and sit on the couch and eat (we never ate together because he worked late and I got hungry early). And then when it was time to go to bed (for me because I got up earlier than him), he'd turn to me and want sex. After an evening of no interaction, no conversation. Um, no. Not interested.

              In the end, we finally went to counseling. I wanted to for years, but he thought that it was stupid and he could solve all his / our problems on his own. By the time we went, I just wanted out. Let me tell you, I thought about divorce for a long time - years. Once I started seeing my own therapist, I realized what I really wanted from life. And it didn't include him.

              At the very end of our marriage, I do wonder if he cheated on me. But I don't care, because I didn't love him anyways.

              We had no kids (just two dogs, which I ended up with despite hoping he'd take them, although I do love them and am happy to have them now at the farm), and our divorce was actually very amicable, despite me not being too happy with the settlement. We used a mediator and I didn't want to go to court, I just wanted out. So he gave me a lump sum settlement and we sold our house and split it and I was free of him.

              I went through some hard things during the process...I think everyone does in one way or another. Mine were mostly technical issues wrt selling and also finding a new place to live. But it all worked out in the end.

              I thought all men were like him and I swore off them and said I 1) never wanted to get married again, 2) wasn't going to date for at least a year, and 3) was never going to own property again.

              Well here I am, actually less than two years later and I'm married and bought a farm last year!!! The current Mr. PP is the most amazing man I have ever met, and I swear there is no one who can compare to him. I am so lucky to have him in my life and I count my blessings every day.

              You will go through tough times during your divorce, but you WILL be happier in the long run. And just when you think it looks hopeless, you will get what you need. I didn't know how I would survive, I didn't know where I would live (with two big dogs - ummmm, who was going to rent to me?!), but here I am happier than ever and I have what I wanted and what I deserved - a wonderful man!!
              "A horse's face always conveys clearly whether it is loved by its owner or simply used." - Anja Beran

              Comment


              • #27
                It is with much embarassament that I post this post. However, we are all family here.

                First of all Silk, you were my strength and my goal was to be like you. I too have gone thru the kidney transplant. I am doing okay but not as fantastic as you.

                My husband is also an alcholic and a drug addict. I found this out after my surgery. If you read my posts there have been very odd things happening here on my farm. He left after his brother plowed up my hay field I rented.

                I have not let him return. I have gone to see a conselor about AH. It has been almost 4 months that I have been by myslef. I must say I enjoy the peace and quiet. I am married to a very abusive person.

                This is quite something for me to post. Some alcholics are nice and some are mean. I have been living with a very angry person. When he left I knew this was my point or place to not let him back in my live. He is very angry still.

                I have been posting on this board like my life was great. Well, my life has not been great. I have been beat up. My house and all of it great things have been smashed. My greatgrandmothers' things have been smashed. My life has been terrible.

                I really do not know what to say to Silk. I am just hoping I can stay strong and keep this horrible person out of my life.

                Only, someone who is married to an alcoholic and drug addict will understand this post.

                Again, I am finally coming clean on the horrble life I have had to lead for the last few years. The horses had nothing to do it. They just kept my sanity.

                Silk take car of yourself and seek some profressional help. It has kept me sane.

                Edited for speling mistakes. However, I sure I still missed some.

                Comment


                • #28
                  {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS to OLD A/O}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

                  It can be so hard to open up about the truth in your life, but I do belive the addage that it "sets you free".

                  I wish nothing but the best for Silk, and you, OLD A/O. I will jingle for your health and safety.
                  "A horse's face always conveys clearly whether it is loved by its owner or simply used." - Anja Beran

                  Comment


                  • #29
                    Oh Old A/O! I'm so sorry! Is there anyone here who can come & help? I don't know where you live, but if you're anywhere within even half a day's drive from here, I'd be happy to come & provide moral support, another body in the house for a few days, very large protective dog (though she's less intimidating now that I gave her her summer buzz cut...German shepherds just plain look goofy shaved), whatever you need...


                    Please let us know if there is ANYTHING we can do...that isn't something that anyone should have to go through alone.


                    (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))


                    Edited to add:

                    Have you gotten a restraining order yet? It sounds like you have grounds. If you need help paying for the lawyer, I'd be happy to send you some money. NO ONE should be at the mercy of someone like this. Please keep us posted...I'm sure we're all going to be worrying if you ever disappear off the boards for a few days now!
                    My Photo Albums

                    Comment


                    • #30
                      Oh....Old A/O, Silk and all of you - big hugs to you all.

                      Old A/O, I'm concerned for you - do you have any help/support?? Is it possible to get a restraining order? Alcoholic/drug addict/angry is a scary combination and while I'm sure you have moments of peace sincehe is gone -you must also have constant fear that he may return. I hope that you have or can find a support network near you.

                      Pahunterrider - yes, I went through this with my 5 year old son. I would do it again, but the pain that my son has gone through and still does (he's almost 8) is heartbreaking. I don't know your situation, but from your post you and your husband are at least still speaking - somebody obviously cares enough to throw the "D" word out there and wait for a response vice just walking out the door. Only you can make that choice, but I can say that I know I tried everything before putting my son through what will be one of the most traumatic events of his life. And it never ends. My ex is taking me back to court on Wed. (again) for custody - for him it is all about $$$. Here in lovely Ca., although I have the majority of custody - I pay him child support, because I make more than him. Therefore to him, more custody = more $$$$. Even though I am the only breadwinner and have the stable, house/job/lifestyle - I still did not get sole custody. Family courts have come a long way with regard to fathers/childrens rights and it is certainly not a given anymore that the mother will win. BTW, I am WELL into the 5 figures for attorney and custody related fees - and it has only been 3 years. I have 13 more to go. If I knew then what I know now, would I do it again - yes. I would not/ do not want my son growing up with our marriage as an example of a healthy, loving relationship - it wasn't. I wouldn't want my son to treat women the way his father treated me, and I don't mean physical abuse. But I did try to do something to fix the marriage first, because I never wanted my son to grow up in a broken home. And although I am very happily remarried to a man my son just adores, and he still sees his Dad frequently, we are and will always be a broken family. My son still cries on occassion because he is the one torn between us -physically he can't - and never will - be with us both.

                      To make this horse related, my son will be in his first show next month (I think) and do I invite his father? I should because my son will be excited and want to share it with us both. But then I am inviting him into my only world that I am free of him since I have to see him at other events. The answer to this is yes, because I do what's right for my son first and foremost and that is having both parents on the rail clapping for him. But when you ask about getting divorced with kids (and horses) these are the types of things I at least, deal with daily.

                      Sorry this got so long - I really didn't mean to go off on a rant!

                      Comment


                      • #31
                        FLF--

                        Don't beat yourself up. You're doing the right thing. My parents divorced when I was little & my biological father (25+ years later I won't dignify him with the title 'dad') was supposed to have me every other weekend. He was diligent for awhile, then less so over time. There were many, many times as a child I cried about the situation. Then, as I got older (not much older than your son is now), I began to see WHY my mom divorced him. By my freshman year in college, I didn't even talk to him (hell, he didn't even bother to send me a graduation card though I sent him an announcement & tried to call...his second wife DID call me though...I suspect mostly to discuss divorcing him with my mom). I haven't spoken with him since my senior year in high school; haven't seen him since my sophomore year. He doesn't even know I'm married. Or that I'm living just a couple hours away from him. My mom remarried a wonderful man who became 'Dad'...not because I wanted him to (I was pretty nasty to him for the first, oh 5 or 6 years) but because he did everything my biological father didn't. He kept every promise he ever made me. (the biggest thing BioFather never did) He treated my mom like gold.

                        It may be hard now, but your son will grow to understand just like I did. Promise.
                        My Photo Albums

                        Comment


                        • #32
                          <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Pahunterrider </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
                          Pahunterrider my first marriage broke up when my three children were aged 12, 10 and 5. I lost my dream horse property with its indoor arena etc. and had to sell all except 2 childrens ponies and my best horse who I leased out.

                          It was a lot of heartache at the time and I'm not going into the reasons, but you know what? It was SO worth it. A little while into my recovery, it was like someone had switched a light on and I could see all the colours of the world!

                          Now I have been married to a fantastic man for nearly 10 years, my children love him and call him their father. I have four horses and he is totally supportive of all I want to achieve with them.

                          So it is very scarey, but let what will happen happen! Oh and one more thing, being married to the wrong man was darned hard work. Being married to the right man is no work at all, just pleasure!

                          Comment


                          • #33
                            Wow to read all these stories...I had a very long-term relationship break up ostensibly because of horses...though really, it had nothing to do with them and everything to do with neither one of us really opening up our lives to each other. We are actually back together again and he is making a huge effort to embrace my horsey life. I love him for that immensely. I am trying to bend more for him too - and I hope he sees that.

                            Old A/O - I got goosebumps from your post. I do hope you're going to be alright. I don't know you, but I worry for you. Hope things improve and you stay clear of this person who frankly, sounds very unpredictable.

                            Silk - wishing you all the best in your journey. Think how far you've come in a year.

                            gillian
                            *Faune D'Helby*

                            Comment

                            • Original Poster

                              #34
                              <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by SeaOat:
                              It sounds like you are terribly alone already and I feel bad for anyone in your shoes. Been there too.
                              Being alone doesn't have to mean lonely It sounds like there are some very real problems other than horses (replace HORSE with just about any other hobby/interest & would things change?). </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                              Oh God no!!! I do feel either lonely or alone. Quite the opposit - when we were together I felt alone and lonely.

                              Sorry if I gave that impression.

                              I think if I had WANTED to fix it before it got tto this point, I would have. Just reflecting.
                              Guess you guys have to see if you can fix those other things before deciding what's best.
                              Best wishes for happiness...[/QUOTE]
                              Save a life...be an organ donor! Visit www.Transplantbuddies.org

                              Comment

                              • Original Poster

                                #35
                                <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by madabouttheboy:
                                <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Pahunterrider </div></BLOCKQUOTE>
                                Pahunterrider my first marriage broke up when my three children were aged 12, 10 and 5. I lost my dream horse property with its indoor arena etc. and had to sell all except 2 childrens ponies and my best horse who I leased out.

                                It was a lot of heartache at the time and I'm not going into the reasons, but you know what? It was SO worth it. A little while into my recovery, it was like someone had switched a light on and I could see all the colours of the world!

                                Now I have been married to a fantastic man for nearly 10 years, my children love him and call him their father. I have four horses and he is totally supportive of all I want to achieve with them.

                                So it is very scarey, but let what will happen happen! Oh and one more thing, being married to the wrong man was darned hard work. Being married to the right man is no work at all, just pleasure! </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                Are you from MA, becasue someone I know (or know of) just went through a similar thing. I wondered how she dealt with it becasue THAT is something that would have traumatized me (losing the horses and the property)
                                Save a life...be an organ donor! Visit www.Transplantbuddies.org

                                Comment


                                • #36
                                  Run the numbers on your family finances, Silk.

                                  Hubby may not be the financial 'asset' you perceive him to be, especially with his drinking.

                                  Yeah, yeah, I know. This is my stock answer. But it's true a surprising number of times!
                                  The inherent vice of Capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings. The inherent virtue of Socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.
                                  Winston Churchill

                                  Comment

                                  • Original Poster

                                    #37
                                    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by OLD A/O:
                                    It is with much embarassament that I post this post. However, we are all family here.]/quote]

                                    Aint nothing to be embarrassed about!

                                    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">First of all Silk, you were my strength and my goal was to be like you. I too have gone thru the kidney transplant. I am doing okay but not as fantastic as you. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                    From what I hear, everyone is different in their recovery and end result, so keep trying and it might improve. PT me or post here, becasue Wrmheart in Driving Forum also went through it </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">My husband is also an alcholic and a drug addict. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                    and he blames you, right? I have SO been there <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Well, my life has not been great. I have been beat up. My house and all of it great things have been smashed. My greatgrandmothers' things have been smashed. My life has been terrible. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                    And dont you just want to kill him? Except going to jail is not worth it - remember I watch Law and Order and its always the victim that gets screwed ( unless its by Det. Munch, which would be an OK thing

                                    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content"> I can stay strong and keep this horrible person out of my life. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                    Mine is not that horrible - just a drinker and so distant. But I wonder if you are going to be OK. I wish you were closer becasue I could help make sure the Bastard stays away from you! I am pretty beastly when it comes to women being physically abused.

                                    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content"> The horses had nothing to do it. They just kept my sanity. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                    Now and during the renal failure!!!!!

                                    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Silk take car of yourself and seek some profressional help. It has kept me sane. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                    I'll be OK but I am worried more about you. The renal clinic makes me see someone becasue they think I am suicidal I could never kill myself becasue what would happen to Smokey??? My traainer gets him if anything happens to me. I told him to find him a show home and put the money toward something for him (you think I am going to let that bastard reap the rewards of that pony?????
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                                    • Original Poster

                                      #38
                                      <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Frank B:
                                      Run the numbers on your family finances, Silk.

                                      Hubby may not be the financial 'asset' you perceive him to be, especially with his drinking.

                                      Yeah, yeah, I know. This is my stock answer. But it's true a surprising number of times! </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                      You are probably right. I just sold the Hackney yesterday - my income doesn treally allow for two ponies comfortably, but certainly (I am lucky) allows for one -- and lessons and showing.

                                      Not to sound sexist, but I am surprised by this coming from a man. Its rather nice that the idea of gender is not being blamed for this - I am certainly not doing the man-bashing thaing. I would feel the same and post the same if it had been a woman lover.
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                                      • #39
                                        My long time friend and I just had this conversation last night. This line struck so close to home!!!!

                                        "I have complete freedom but not companionship."

                                        We have kids and they are therpy. My life with him is miserable. I don't care if he stays or goes. I could love him again if things got better or be just fine with out him. The only thing holding me back is the money thing. But I'm coming to terms with that and if it comes to divorce I'll have to give up somethings but I KNOW it'll get better.

                                        I don't want my kids to think this is what a marrage is because it's not.

                                        Silk - like the other posters said, I don't think it's the horses (although my SO likes to blame them). I could never be thin enough, smart enough, my house could never be clean enough and I could never make enough money to make him happy, so why bother anymore?!?! I LIKE to be happy not sad and he makes me sad.

                                        Maybe we should start a support group and get together on a trail ride!!!!

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                                        • #40
                                          At the very least, I think we need a retreat together!

                                          So sorry that you (collective you) are and/or have gone through such rough times. Mine haven't been rosy. While never physically abusive, my ex was definitely emotionally abusive. Unfortunately, we still need to deal with kid stuff together. It's been 6 years for me. My kids are now 16 and almost 14.

                                          I'm a much stronger person than I was during my marriage. (Yes, I'm still a wuss at times, just not the majority of the time. ) My business partner and I started a business a little over a year ago. We're not in the black yet, but we're headed in the right direction. I recently bought the most wonderful horse. I know I can't afford ($$ or time) to show more than once - maybe occassionally twice - a month and that's still GREAT!

                                          I have a long distance relationship with a guy. We get together about once a month and do fun stuff, so that's all good. I wish I had someone locally to do stuff with. But, c'est la vie. The freedom and independence thing have their strong points. But, yes, I still am lonely some of the time. But, is it worth considering marriage again? Hmmm...It will take one HECK of a guy for me to consider that.

                                          My kids are wonderful. They do spend time with their dad as well. Other than a few times, he's been very good about that, although just yesterday, he was e-mail/lecturing ME on spending time with my son this summer.

                                          Ok, I'm rambled on too much.

                                          {{{{{ HUGS }}}}} to all!
                                          \"Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby, to be picked up and laid down like a game of solitaire. It is a grand passion. It seizes a person whole and, once it has done so, he will have to accept that his life will be radically changed.\" -- Ralph Waldo E

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