My 19 year old son died this morning (short update, p. 37, Alex continues to touch lives)

[Lori]

Evalee, I cannot even imagine. Please accept my condolences for you and your family. Lori

I love my fat pony!

[souvenir]

Evalee,
Please accept my deepest sympathy in the loss of your son. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Lynda

www.souvenirfarm.com "fragrant horse-theme candles and equine wearable art"

[Snowbird]

Evalee the services sounded like a wonderful celebration of the life of Alex and all the things he loved. We may never understand the mystery of why someone leaves us too soon but you can be assured that he was really pleased to see all of you together remembering and loving.

The hard part is not getting to see him every day and watch him grow into the beautiful person he would have been but in his own way he is there and eventually you will all be together again because life is never permanent but a cycle.

Battle Scarred Veteran

[June]

Just wished to check in to see how goes it, and to let you know you are very, very much in my thoughts and prayers.
June

"The world's greatest achievements often happen on the edge of chaos"

[faraway46]

Evalee,
Just checking on you and your family. Hope you are getting stronger (if that is possible, since you have proven you are full of courage) with each day. Alex was lucky to have you, your family is lucky to have you.
Courage,
Viv

[Mariequi]

Just want to say you're still in my thought and prayers. I'm about to be gone for a couple of weeks so don't want you to think you've lost any support!

[Evalee Hunter]

We lost two colts in 2003, on human and one horse, Alex and Andy, both young and muscular and athletic and seemingly healthy, Andy in February and Alex in December. I may understand these deaths intellectually but I will never understand them in my heart. I know “life isn’t fair” but to bracket one year with two deaths seems more than unfair.

I ping-pong between different feelings, different facets of grief – I don’t think there are “stages” of grief but more accurately facets & I can experience every facet in one day, sometimes happy & not even thinking, other times angry this happened, wanting someone to blame, other times despairing, headachey & stomach achey & sick, other times relieved that the impending doom that hung over Alex has finally struck & I know what it is & I don’t have to try to guard against it anymore.

Bill and I are handling this so differently – he clings to everything that was Alex, bought a digital recorder to record Alex’s voice off his cell phone message, wants to keep his checkbook, his driver’s license, but those things don’t seem to mean anything to me. He is very angry with me because he can sense the relief I sometimes feel & thinks it means I am glad Alex is dead, even though I have tried to explain it to him.

If any good can come of this, it will be trying to educate people about Wolfe-Parkinson-White Syndrome. I do *NOT* know that Alex died of WPW but I have some reasons to think so. Bill had WPW, for one thing, and Alex had complained of his heart racing, for another thing. We had gotten Alex to go to the cardiologist who didn’t find anything – but that didn’t surprise me as WPW is very hard to diagnose.

I think I need to back up & give a little history. I learned soon after I met Bill (we were both in our 20s) that he had chest pains & I got him to go to the doctor, who diagnosed it as inflammation of the cartilage between the ribs and breastbone & prescribed aspirin. These bouts of severe pain almost always struck early in the morning when Bill was resting or asleep.

When Bill was in his early 40s I dragged him to the emergency room but they didn’t find anything & Bill was embarrassed & mortified because the doctor who treated him in the hospital told him he had a bad case of indigestion. (Note: Bill NEVER met a doctor who believed him when he said he was having arrhythmias.) About a year after that Bill came home from karate saying he wanted to go to the emergency room because his heart was racing. I actually stood in the living room & questioned him as to whether he “really” wanted to go because his feelings had been so hurt the prior time. He wanted to go so off we went & we got there in time – when a person arrives at the emergency room with no pulse and no blood pressure, you get a very fast response! At last a diagnosis – ventricular tachycardia due to WPW.

He was put on medication that was supposed to control the problem but did not. In the mean time, Bill’s rheumatologist, who KNEW he had WPW, prescribed a new arthritis drug & I did not look it up in my Physician’s Desk Reference. It turns out this drug can promote arrhythmias & it did. He started keeping a diary because things were so bad & he was trying to make sense of it.

One day at work (University of Pennsylvania) his heart raced & he told his secretary he was walking to the emergency room but he only took a few steps before he was down & the City of Philadelphia paramedics were called. They shocked his heart back into a normal rhythm & took him to U of P hospital (after announcing in front of the entire office staff, “Well, there’s one that isn’t going to make it”). Within a few days Bill had an electrophysiology procedure designed to discover & burn out the abnormal electrical circuits in the heart. It took a second try some months later to cure him completely.

WPW is the one heart condition that I know about that kills primarily those who are young, athletic & fit. We were told that the slower your heartbeat, the more time there is between beats for an abnormal rhythm to be initiated. WPW killed Hank Gathers & it has killed at least one other basketball player (but I can’t remember the name).

I don’t know how to guard against sudden death from WPW. I wish now I had gone with Alex to his cardiology appointment & had gotten on the doctor’s case & asked him some hard questions, such as the risk of sudden death from WPW vs. the risk of death from possible diagnostic procedures. But I didn’t do this. I always tried to walk that line between watching over my children & being too invasive of their privacy so I did not go with my 18 year old son to the doctor. This was a time when I got on the wrong side of that line between privacy & safety.

www.rougelandfarm.com Home of TB stallion Alae Rouge, sire of our filly Rose, ribbon-winner on the line at Dressage at Devon.

[MyShadeOfPink]

Evalee my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you and your husband are having disagreements. People heal differently. Soon you'll both accept each others way of mourning. Use each others' love as comfort. Love is an amazing thing that heals many things over time.

Alex sounded like a wonderful 'colt' , and will surely be missed. I'm so glad that he was there to light up your life for as long as he did.

He crossed my mind the other day and I gave a little silent jingle. And another for you.

We're all here for you, and send tons of prayers and jingles your way.

Jennie
"all these lines fall short of what i had in mind
a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling
so i just try fail and try and try again"
See my albulm Updated 11/11

[Seven]

Evalee, I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Paula]

Evalee I wanted to give you my heartfelt condolances on your situation. I didn't post before because your situation hit very close to home - one of my older sisters died of sudden heart failure at age 23. My father blamed himself because he tried to do CPR and it wasn't enough. It was a very rough time for our family. There nothing I can say that is going to make this any better. But know that we're all thinking of you. Also it might help to talk to a therapist or support group about what happened. I know in my famiily's case we just didn't discuss what happened and now nobody mentions Cathy at all - it's almost like we have built a wall to pretend she never existed. And that's sad.
Best wishes!

[Miriam]

I wanted to tell you that I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, this is a very near and dear topic to me at this time of year. I didn't understand why poeple grieved differently at first, but I now I know everyone has to deal with tragedy in their own way. That fact was problably one of the most devastating details of my experience. I pray for you and your husband, that you find understanding for one another, and that he accepts your different styles as a mark of what a wonderful individual you must be. Know that we all support you here, and that we love Alex without even having met him because of your endearing posts about his life.

"One thing vampire children have to be taught early is, don't run with a wooden stake."

[Liretta]

Evalee,
I have not responded before to this post because it is so sad and shocking. My son will be 19 this year, and I don't know what I would do if something like this were to happen to him. I am so sad for you and your husband. I can relate to what he is doing, but on the other hand, I can relate to what you are doing also. I would want to hold on to everything I could to try to keep David alive and with us, but I know from having lost many friends and family members, that you have to go on with your life. I will pray that your hearts heal and you can accept what has happened. He will always be with you; you will never, ever forget the first time you held him, those first steps, the first day of school; cherish those thoughts. God gave him to you so you could know what true love really is, and although he has left you, you will never forget that feeling.
Take care of yourself, Evalee. Hug your husband tight, and let him know you love him. You will only get through this together.
Mary

[Snowbird]

Oh! Evalee don't do this, you're Bill is feeling guilty that he passed on his problem to his son and you are feeling guilty that you didn't do enough. Neither is true, we want to punish someone and if no one is available we punish ourselves.

You are a beautiful wonderful caring Mother, you did everything you could to give your son the best possible life. You gave him unconditional love and you gave him what children need, independence and freedom to be themselves. With those gifts sometimes there is a price but you were not wrong, you were so right.

We can't cotton wrap our children, we can't protect them when they are grown we have to cut them loose and pray it will be all right. Sometimes it doesn't end the way we would like but we're not in charge of that grand master plan. We do the best we know how and trust in God. Trust now that there is some bigger reason you can't now understand for what has happened and your losses.

Maybe you have a mission that will somehow help a lot of other people's children. Maybe there is ahead some great job that only you can do to help the world because you have felt the pain. But, what I do know is that energy is neither created nor destroyed it just changes form.

Your poor Bill, how he must hurt thinking he passed on his weakness to his son. Nothing in the world is the same as a man and his son.

You know it's really weird because for years I had a guilt and I didn't even know. There was a dear sweet man who taught me so much and was so kind and generous. When I bought my first barn and I called him for help he was there in a day to help me. The whole story isn't important but as things work out I couldn't keep him at that barn because I wasn't the only owner. Two months later after he went back to his old home I found out he had died. I shut it out of my mind until this year. This year I realized I carried the the guilt because I know he killed himself. I had been blaming myself for being shallow, self centered and self serving. I knew in my gut he had killed himself on purpose. But, it was buried so deep and it affected so many decisions and value judgments and my own view of my self worth.

So, although the situation is so different, the guilt isn't different.

Alex does not blame his Dad, Alex is pleased he had a good life and he was healthy and happy, better than the alternative of being sick and feeling useless but alive and over protected. You couldn't suspect because if you had he would have never had the chance to enjoy his life. You would have wrapped him in cotton cloths and kept him safe but would he have been alive?

You need to remember the joy with which you all celebrated his life. Remember those special times and those great moments of joy a mother and her son can share. No matter what there is a time when you have to send them off into the world and the world may not love them as much as you love them.

You have just sent him off a little early and he will be waiting to welcome you into that other world when it's your time. There is a time for everything, look at the lady 97 years old who survived the earhtquake in Iran, and there was a plane crash where the omnly survivor was a little baby.

We are not in control and we are not masters of the universe we are a part of a whole and we can't see the whole because its too big. Eventually we will understand that we didn't do anything to cause the problem and we couldn't have stopped what was meant to be. And, hard as it might be to believe now maybe the alternatives were much worse.

Yes! you will each grieve differently, you're a Mom and he's a Dad. That's OK! you're not the same people, you are each different and that's the way God planned it all. You will both now carry him with you in your heart forever.

My heart bleeds for you and while I can't feel your pain I can understand the pain and I wish I could take it away and spare you the anguish.

Battle Scarred Veteran

[Kafue]

Don't beat up on yourself Evalee. We seems to do that a lot and I'm sure your husband is beating himself up too. It's early days and as you said your emotions change from hour to hour. One year from now you will feel differently about a lot of things and 5 yrs from now you will feel different again. Find ways to reach your husband and hang on to him - Alex would have wanted that I think. My husband and I also grieved very differently and there were some tense times when we just could'nt understand each other at all but I learned that everyone has to do what they have to do to get through those first terrible weeks and months. 12 yrs after it happened to my son I still find it unbearably difficult to talk about and the tears well just thinking of him but life really does go on strange though it seems.

[frugalannie]

Evalee, many of the posters above have expressed my feelings far more eloquently than I could have. But I just wanted you to know that your post on WPW has cleared up something that has troubled me for years.

About 12 years ago, my distance-running cousin, with whom I was raised as if we were sibs, collapsed in his morning shower. By the time he was found, most of his brain had been anoxic for too long, but it took him several days to die. He had had an insurance physical one week prior, and he had a negative tox/ drug screen. The last time we shared an apartment, he was telling me about these intermittent "funny feelings" in his chest, but I assumed that he had followed up.

Somehow, even after all of these years, it feels better knowing a possible "why". Thank you for posting through your pain. I hope that one day, something will come along that brings you a measure of peace, as well.

[mnolen9698]

Evalee -- My heart cries for you, your family and all those who were close to Alex. Everyone deals in their own way and there is no right way. And that is okay.

Last February, my fiance Alex died in a mountain climbing accident. It has not been easy living without him and the future we had planned. It's been almost a year and I still have nights when I cry uncontrollably. Some times it feels like it all happened y'day and some times if feels like it all happened a lifetime ago. Something that was a strain b/w his family and me is that we all grieved in our own way. We would be angry with each other saying, "you should do this," but we're all just really angry Alex is gone. His father Jim and sister Judith are probably having the roughest time with coping. And that's okay. I turned to horses and showing again.

I don't know you, but you're not alone. Your grief is your grief and it is good and healthy to grieve in your way. If you can talk to your husband Bill, do. Just talk about anything you're feeling b/c it helps. Hold each other. This traggic event is and will be hard for a long lime. Do what you need to do for you.

Lovingly and empathetically,
Michelle

[bigbay]

Evalee-

Thank you for mentioning W-P-W and bringing some awareness. I personally often have an unusually high resting heart rate, although no chest pains or palpatations, but it's certainly cause for me to ask my doctor for an ECG when I go in.

When I was researching W-P-W on the web, I came across this website: http://www.c-r-y.org.uk. I was wondering if you'd mind me making a donation to them in memory of Alex, rather than a humane society as I had planned.



"Today I will ask so much of her, ask her to leave her equine world and join mine. And if I am very good today- if I am a true horsewoman- she will be happy that I pulled her away from her green grass, her friends, and everything that makes her life happy and secure." - Bo Derek

[ken]

Thank you for educating us on WPW. Do not beat yourself up for not going to the Dr. with Alex. What 18 year old wants to go to the DR. with his Mother?

Let Bill keep things if he chooses. He thinks he'll forget Alex without these tangible objects (which he won't) and you know better. My Mom passed when I was 17. I cleaned out everything, only because I thought it needed to be done for my Dad & because all of my siblings were out of the house. I saved stupid things like her license & her bug-eye sunglasses, lipsticks, written notes ,etc, but I really found comfort in getting rid of stuff too. Let him keep what he wants, you can't change your mind when it's at the dump. It's 13 years later for me & I still smile when I pull out those stupid bug-eye sunglasses.

[terra]

Evalee,

WPW is not necessarily recognizable by the sufferer. Had Alex been subject to WPW, he likely slept through the event. Your husband's history of tachycardia should not influence anyone's thoughts about Alex's death - most importantly, his own.

We are with you.

[Mustang Sally]

Dear Evalee,

I've been away for some time and am just now reading of Alex's passing - I can't tell you how shocked and sorry I am to hear this news.

I have read all of these posts and while I can't state it more eloquently than my fellow posters, I too think that your son sounds like an amazing young man, and you a wonderful mother. My thoughts are with you and your family.

I also want to thank you for posting about Wolfe-Parkinson-White Syndrome. I am 24 years old, fit and healthy, and have been experiencing much of the same symptoms that you describe Bill as having. My doctor has told me that it isn't a problem ("diagnosed" with an ectopic, tachycardic heartbeat), although I may eventually need surgery to burn out the abnormal circuits. By sharing your information, you have given me an extra push to really pursue this with my doctor and make sure that what I have (whether WPW or not - I hadn't heard of it until this point) is not life threatening.

Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you, and again my most sincere condolences.

Amanda

"Waste no time arguing what a good person shall be, be one."
-Marcus Aurelius