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My 19 year old son died this morning (short update, p. 37, Alex continues to touch lives)

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  • I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I'm sitting here and can't seem to stop crying.

    I truly admire you for your strength.

    Thank you for sharing your wonderful stories about Alex and the rest of your family.

    Sherry White
    Graystone Farm Sporthorses
    www.graystonefarm.com

    Comment

    • Original Poster

      I am doing pretty good. The cremation is tomorrow & we are going - I don't want to but I feel I have to. Bill doesn't want to, I know, but he is going.

      Bill's older sister & husband came back from VA & all 3 of my younger brothers came with wives. One of my sisters-in-law sure has a strange sense of humor. Bill was talking about how we didn't have a lot of specific rules for the kids when they little but just general expectations such as courtesy & caring for others & she popped up, "And don't die young." This was Fri. evening so when we went to the restaurant, she was quite insistant that I should have a drink & suggested a Brandy Alexander. (No, I didn't have a drink.) Then she made Ali feel creepy by asking all kinds of questions about whether Alex had ever eaten at that restaurant.

      I think the funeral went really well. People started showing up for visitation at 1:30 (start time was supposed to be 2, but we were ready). The wide halls of the high school were good. Jenna had made 14 posters & Ali had made 3 more & they were all displayed on music stands. (What a wonderful idea from the custodial staff! Jenna had been so upset because the funeral home had only 4 easels & she didn't want the posters taped to the walls.) They also put out tables so we could display Alex's sports trophies, framed pictures & other awards. Bill, Ali & I did not stand down front but sort of mingled. People who wanted to talk to us could usually access us fairly quickly as there was no set "line". People who wanted to look at posters could do so without obstructing others. People who wanted to pay their respects at the casket could do so without waiting in line. If people wanted to sit or stand & watch the slide show (Powerpoint slide show of pictures of Alex's life), they could without being in the way. The slide show consisted of 215 pictures & took 40 minutes.

      Parking was easy for everyone. 350 people signed the guest registers & 450 remembrance cards were picked up. We estimate there were actually well over 500 people there because most of the young males did not pick up remembrance cards. All in all we sure were glad we used the high school - the kids felt comfortable there.

      Many people complimented us on the posters but we told them that Jenna had made them. I told people that if it had been up to me nothing would have been done. The lady from the funeral parlor asked if I always took so many pictures of my kids & how I had time. I didn't realize I had done anything that every parent doesn't do, but I'm sure glad I did it.

      We think maybe 200 people came to the service - it is a 700 seat auditorium & a significant number of seats were filled. Bill read a eulogy he wrote, then he read what Jenna had written. Ali read something she wrote & one of my brothers spoke as did a number of other adults who had known Alex, including his current employer.

      Everyone said things that a mother likes to hear - what a fine young man he was, who never met someone he didn't like, stuff like that. The service was only about an hour but then some people who hadn't come earlier stayed so the whole thing lasted until 6 & more people came as we were leaving.

      Today we visited with out-of-town guests before they had to leave. I'm reading "Seabiscuit".

      www.rougelandfarm.com Home of TB stallion Alae Rouge, sire of our filly Rose, ribbon-winner on the line at Dressage at Devon.

      Comment


      • Evalee - you're about my age, I think and you are most definitely the strongest person I know. I keep reading what you write and how you perceive what has happened and your strength is incredible. I'm so sorry for your loss and wish you comfort in the writings you are doing for us. That is comforting to us, too.

        Comment


        • Evalee, I am reading Seabiscuit, too. You have done what you were supposed to do and it sound like it was wonderfully presented. Keep the kids going and get your routine back with the horses as soon as you are able, as the horses are great at helping with grief and healing. Muchlove to you and Allie. Holly
          Proud & Permanent Student Of The Long Road
          Read me: EN (http://eventingnation.com/author/annemarch/) and HJU (http://horsejunkiesunited.com/author/holly-covey/)

          Comment


          • I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

            I find this song inspirational.
            You are in my thoughts.



            Artist: Randy Travis
            Song Title: Don't Ever Sell Your Saddle
            Album: Inspirational Journey
            [Buy " Inspirational Journey " CD]

            Daddy shoulda been a preacher man
            'Cause everybody loved to hear him speak
            He didn't always follow his own advice
            But we got a sermon every week
            He'd say trouble always starts as fun
            And broken hearts will always mend
            Tough times don't last, tough people do
            And nothing breaks if it can bend

            (Chorus)
            Don't ever sell your saddle
            Never owe another man
            Watch where you spit on a windy day
            Don't use words you don't understand
            Find the Lord before you need him
            And never lose your pride
            Don't ever sell your saddle
            'Cause life's a long, long ride

            Daddy never ran from anything
            Always took his share of the blame
            Had a heart big enough to fill a valley up
            But hard enough to stop a train
            He said only fight when you have to
            'Cause there's always a faster gun
            And you'll know a hero from a coward
            When you see which way they run

            (Chorus)

            Daddy left me his old saddle the day he passed on
            And these words are etched into my mind just like they were in stone

            (Chorus)
            Don't ever sell your saddle
            Never owe another man
            Watch where you spit on a windy day
            Don't use words you don't understand
            Find the Lord before you need him
            And never lose your pride
            Don't ever sell your saddle
            'Cause life's a long, long ride
            ****************************
            \"Just when I thought I was out ,They pull me back in!\"
            -Sylvio Dante--\"The Sopranos\"

            Comment


            • [QUOTE]Originally posted by Evalee Hunter:
              I am doing pretty good. The cremation is tomorrow & we are going - I don't want to but I feel I have to. Bill doesn't want to, I know, but he is going.

              Bill's older sister & husband came back from VA & all 3 of my younger brothers came with wives. One of my sisters-in-law sure has a strange sense of humor. Bill was talking about how we didn't have a lot of specific rules for the kids when they little but just general expectations such as courtesy & caring for others & she popped up, "And don't die young." This was Fri. evening so when we went to the restaurant, she was quite insistant that I should have a drink & suggested a Brandy Alexander. (No, I didn't have a drink.) Then she made Ali feel creepy by asking all kinds of questions about whether Alex had ever eaten at that restaurant.

              ****
              Please, please try not to be hard on your Sister-in-law. No one usually has precedent to guide them in these situations. I know, I know, that you have gone over the top to address everyone else's needs since Christmas. People react in whacky ways to this situation. I have been known to do so. There is no set of rules. If you have anymore space for compassion when all is said and done, please consider using it on your Sister-in-law. However off the wall or inappropriate her comments might seem, your astonishment will be nothing to what she will beat herself about in the days to come, and maybe years to come. And very gently, life is so hard, kindness and love and Faith are really all that is left us. And those are monumental tasks and sometimes we flub it. And sometimes when we flub it, the timing couldn't be worse. Just a thought, and thank you for telling us about yesterday. And please keep telling us about your son. You and those who love him are in my prayers.
              June

              "The world's greatest achievements often happen on the edge of chaos"
              \"The world\'s greatest achievements often happen on the edge of chaos\"

              Comment


              • I have been hesitant about joining this thread, because I am really good at saying the wrong thing, but....

                I think that your son is lucky to have a family like the one that you and your husband provided him - full of love. Keep your spirits high. I think that you can rest easy knowing that you are a great person, and that you were able to raise a great person....Alex sounded like he was (and will always be) first class.

                Thinking of you and your family....love from Canada. Jennifer Odin.

                Comment


                • Evalee, bless you and your family. Your strength is inspiring. Thinking of you and your family...

                  gillian
                  *Faune D'Helby*

                  Comment


                  • My prayer is that God will keep you in the palm of His hand, that you will feel His presence, and that He will grant you peace.

                    God bless you, Evalee.

                    Comment


                    • Evalee - I think you made the right decision and you really do need your husband there with you so I'm glad he is going too. Don't mind too much what people say - careless remarks cut to the quick right now and will do for a long time to come.

                      Comment


                      • It sounds like you truly honored your son's life at the ceremony.

                        It's obvious how much he was loved and how many lives he touched.


                        Comment


                        • Dear Evalee- My son and I see each other every day because we are in business with each other. After following and posting on your thread I walked up in front of all our workers and hugged him and told them all how much I love him. You know they looked at me like I was crazy. I just told them it was a horse mom thing.

                          Comment


                          • I just can't imagine how horrible this is for you and your family. Last march my 3 month old son was in ICU for and intracranial bleed. It was the most horrific experience of my life. He is fine now, but we faced what you are sadly facing now. I truly believe in the power of prayer, because my Matthew wouldn't be here if not for all of the people who prayed for him. I will pray for you, and for those who were close to him.

                            Comment


                            • I'd like to express my condolensces. I am so very sorry. You and your family will be in my prayers. trish

                              Comment


                              • Evalee,
                                Just writing to tell you we are all here for you. I wish you strength, courage and peace of mind for times like this. Thank you for remembering your son through the BB: he's as special as his mom.
                                Viv
                                Over what hill? Where? When? I don\'t remember any hill....

                                www.freewebs.com/caballerizadelviso

                                Comment


                                • Evalee,

                                  I was hoping that you were doing okay because you hadn't posted for a little while. I'm glad to hear that the funeral went well. Foard's is also doing the services for my fiance's mother. I was looking at their website and saw that Alex's obituary was on there.

                                  Again, I offer my condolences.

                                  MKB...

                                  http://www.leakycreek.com/
                                  - new & improved (over 1000 pics in Photo Gallery)
                                  http://www.leakycreek.com/
                                  http://leakycreek.wordpress.com/ Rainbows & Mourning Doves Blog
                                  John P. Smith II 1973-2009 Love Always
                                  Father, Husband, Friend, Firefighter- Cancer Sucks- Cure Melanoma

                                  Comment


                                  • Evalee - thanks for posting the funeral info. It sounds as if it went well and you really planned it down to the mark as Alex would have liked it to be.

                                    Regarding your sister in law - when my 46 y.o. sister died 2 years ago, her daughter made some really hurtful comments that put our whole family into tears. Everyone said, "oh, forgive her. During these times, people inevitably say things due to the stress that will always hurt someone, but they don't mean it. So forgive it and go on."

                                    My internal reaction to that comment was that day, and continues to be: If that person is just nasty by nature and these comments are CONSISTENT to their behavior before after the funeral, then there is NO forgiving them. However, if they are normally a person of good character and they are kind, but had a bad moment, that's very different from just being a professional jerk at ALL times.

                                    Hope your SIL's comments were the EXCEPTION for your her, and not the rule!

                                    I haven't seen, did you get a definitive cause for Alex's loss?

                                    One thing you MUST remember - the support you have recieved on this BB does NOT stop just because the funeral is over. We will STILL be here for you in all of the days and years to come.

                                    -------------------------
                                    *The lesser half of a team who BEAT EPM!

                                    Member of the Susie Ormond clique!*
                                    "If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up somewhere else."

                                    Comment


                                    • I just came upon this thread. I've read almost all of it, and your son sounds like he was such a wonderful person. And you sound as though (and I personally am sure of it) you were a wonderful mother.

                                      I'm just so sorry. We all cry with you. I forget who said it but someone's mother or mother in-law? said that the healing starts today. It does.

                                      MY deepest condolences.

                                      Jennie
                                      "all these lines fall short of what i had in mind
                                      a failed attempt to capsulize a feeling
                                      so i just try fail and try and try again"
                                      See my albulm Updated 11/11
                                      Jennie
                                      \"If you\'re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.\"-Deep thoughts by Jack Handy

                                      Comment

                                      • Original Poster

                                        We went to the cremation. We saw him one last time. I'm glad we went.

                                        I have so much I want to write but I just don't have the energy. We still do not know what Alex died of - we put natural causes in the obituary because his girlfriend was worried people would think he committed suicide or overdosed on drugs & there wasn't any evidence of either - no pillbottle, no note, no drug paraphernalia. But a lot of stuff about cause of death is still pending - microscopic studies of some tissues such as heart & brain, toxicology screens, efforts to grow micro-organisms, etc.

                                        I don't know the one particular sister in law very well & I do suppose she was nervous & trying to add some levity to a solemn situation. However, it did seem she was trying to needle us throughout on all sorts of topics, from Ali's personal choice of music (on her truck radio) to almost anything else.

                                        Sat. through today have felt busy & overwhelming with many visitors and so on. We didn't clean stalls yesterday or this morning (had to hurry to the cremation) so we did tonight. With 9 horses it is always something - Eleanor has swollen eyes, although she seems to be recovering on her own; Rose sprained her pastern & needs cold hosing & bute; etc.

                                        www.rougelandfarm.com Home of TB stallion Alae Rouge, sire of our filly Rose, ribbon-winner on the line at Dressage at Devon.

                                        Comment


                                        • I am glad you went to the cremation as well. It seems as though it MIGHT give some sense of closure. I can't imagine how emotionally exhausted you must feel. I hope you can get some much needed rest. My thoughts are with you.

                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                          Amy
                                          Owned by:
                                          Cute as a Bugsear (Bugs) JC OTTTB (Isella x Annie Somebody)
                                          Pippen (Frodo) ATA Anglo Trakehner (Paramoure x Cute as a Bugsear)
                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                          ~Amy~ TrakehNERD clique
                                          *Bugs 5/86-3/10 OTTB Mare* RIP lovely Lady, I miss you
                                          *Frodo '03 Anglo Trakehner Gelding*
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