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Moms Who Ride with Daughters Who Ride

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  • #61
    Originally posted by Miss T View Post
    Why, oh why, you choose to have children? Whether you are into horses or not, but especially so then. I never hear people talk about their kids other than to complain about them! I just do not get why anyone would needlessly complicate their life in that way. And, by the way, I am in my 50's, in case you think that I will "grow out" of this way of thinking.
    This is very insulting and rude and shows you really did NOT read...maybe if you actually READ the things people (including myself) posted it was not about COMPLAINING about having kids, but about BALANCING YOUR LIFE with then, and BEING HAPPY. I think the joy of having kids can only be understood once you have them. Period.
    Used to be "mygenie"

    http://www.dbfisher.blogspot.com/

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    • #62
      Originally posted by Ashby View Post
      Yes, you can probably kiss the boat goodbye for awhile. But as I always say, horses are expensive but they're cheaper than drug rehab. No horse will ever try to get your daughter into the back seat of a car. No horse will give her a joint or a vodka shooter. No horse will give her an STD, or lie to her, or cheat on her, or beat her up. If your daughters perform the labor of having horses and have to come up with some of the money to support their horses, they won't have time or energy to get drunk, take drugs, screw around, or succumb to any of the other myriad temptations our culture offers them....just generally to be great mothers. Isn't that worth more than any boat?
      My parents had a huge sailboat (The Rose of Sharon, 2 masted schooner-Dutch built in the 1930's)...I was at the barn & shows, and the rest of the family was sailing the Great Lakes. The boat brought them together (I don't swim, hate the water)...from getting the boat ready to family sailing races, the boat was a fun thing for the entire family to enjoy, not just the child. Boats can be a great way to keep kids healthy and around good values.

      Barns aren't a nirvana of safety and purity. I grew up riding and the girls at the barn were a broad range...from "nice" girls to total skanks. Lots of smoking and drinking, especially when off at shows. There were predatory people, both guys and lesbians hitting on the girls. Teenagers will always find the time & energy to "screw around" and get drunk/smoke and do drugs.

      As far as horsewomen being good mothers...am I missing something here? I don't see that many horsewomen being moms at all. I'd wager motherhood is more under-represented at barns than the general population. Where I board, there is not one female who stall boards who has a kid (most of the guys at the barn have kids)...there are a few of the females who field board that have kids though. One of the ex-boarders came by for a new-baby shower...none of the women attending would even acknowledge the new baby. I'm not a baby type of person, but I held the little critter to give the mom a break.

      Horses--Motherhood = null set.
      "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"

      Comment


      • #63
        When I was a youth/teen - I had big goals whether it was riding or career. The death of my father when I was 17 changed everything and when I got married in my early 20s I got out of horses.

        Fast forward to my late 30s when I had 2 children. As my oldest grew it became obvious she was a horse lover. When she was 8 (after a couple years of lessons) we bought her a wonderful pony for our home farm. She rode him everywhere - showed him, pony clubbed him. But....that pony stirred the desire in me to have a horse again. So a few months after the pony, I bought a lovely TB off the track. I did all the initial work with him myself - but I knew that being a re-rider I needed help. So I sought lessons with my daughter's trainer.

        Daughter and I did schooling shows together, a few clinics. It was great fun. I never thought that the dreams and desires that I'd had as a youth would resurface, albiet a bit modified, but dreams just the same.

        I turn 50 this year - my daughter is 12. Things definitely focus more on my daughter. I want her to have a chance to fulfill her dreams - she's gifted and talented. But I'm thankful I'm able to ride and have a horse. The occasional lessons, clinics and shows will be enough for now. I'll hold on to any bigger dreams. Afterall, 4 years ago I didn't have any of this. And I'm extremely thankful we have a passion we can share. It's very cool

        Comment


        • #64
          There are alot of great family stories and reality posted here. I would just add that becoming a parent with a riding daughter & son was a dream of mine which unexpectedly launched me into a whole other realm of dreams for myself. I always rode while they grew up, though it was mostly partially leased horses for myself and now I have two horses and foxhunt my heart out. I did not envision that back in the day but I am thrilled that is where all the pony clubbing, eventing, roping, sorting... with my kids has taken me.

          Comment


          • #65
            My mom put my dreams first until I was 18, then she put hers first and I was in charge of mine
            Boss Mare Eventing Blog
            https://www.youtube.com/user/jealoushe

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            • #66
              [quote=Trakehner;3763540]
              Boats can be a great way to keep kids healthy and around good values.
              True. So can skiing, tennis, and other activities. The difference is, the horse will love you back. Boats and skis don't do that. The horse claims the child's attention more because it will actually suffer and even die if s/he does not care for it. It evokes parental urges in the young child and gives practice at becoming a parent. A child never has to give up some clothes s/he wants because the boat will be cold if she doesn't buy it a blanket.

              Barns aren't a nirvana of safety and purity. I grew up riding and the girls at the barn were a broad range...from "nice" girls to total skanks. Lots of smoking and drinking, especially when off at shows. There were predatory people, both guys and lesbians hitting on the girls. Teenagers will always find the time & energy to "screw around" and get drunk/smoke and do drugs.
              Also true, unless you make the child pay for the horse out of her own pocket. Then she's too tired to get in trouble. One of the sweetest sounds I ever heard was the voice of my daughter, age 17, croaking into a phone that she wasn't going to accept an invitation to party, all she wanted out of life was to sleep.

              Much also depends on the barn you choose. Ours features no smoking or drinking, no bad influences, nobody hitting on children. Yes, some teens are determined to be trouble, but they tend to congregate together.

              As far as horsewomen being good mothers...am I missing something here? I don't see that many horsewomen being moms at all.
              Um, haven't you been paying attention? This whole thread has been written by mothers who are also horsewomen. All the horsewomen I know are mothers, if they are old enough. Somebody owns those adorable tots on the ponies you see at shows.

              I'd wager motherhood is more under-represented at barns than the general population. Where I board, there is not one female who stall boards who has a kid (most of the guys at the barn have kids)...there are a few of the females who field board that have kids though. One of the ex-boarders came by for a new-baby shower...none of the women attending would even acknowledge the new baby. I'm not a baby type of person, but I held the little critter to give the mom a break.
              You're boarding at the wrong barn, sugar. Maybe you need to be at a more family-oriented barn. Goodness, in this economy there are barns of all sorts begging for your business, so it should be possible to find one where the ladies are more relaxed.

              What often happens, of course, is that horsewomen find that the economic realities of parenthood require them to give up horses. That's one reason you may see only the most well-heeled of mothers at barns.

              Comment


              • #67
                We are finally to the point of the kids coming along with us on trail rides. My daughter is joining 4-h that door is opening and my horse life is evolving.

                I look around at my horsey friends that I was friends with before children. They are still doing the same thing, they are still trying to achieve the impossible goals, every other week they get sawdust, 2-3 xs a day they are cleaning stalls, doing the same thing every day, every week, every month, every year. I could not imagine the same old same old every day.

                Cool thing is with my kids,I have a new friend in each of them, I have someone to show the old trails to, I have someone to show my training tricks to and they are WOW'. Its neat to see horses through their eyes. its neat to watch my old horses become young again for the kids. Its cool to see a twenty year old horse fire up for barrels. It neat to watch my show horses become pocket pets for the kids. I wouldn't miss a thing with my kids and sharing my horses with them.
                The View from Here

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                • Original Poster

                  #68
                  Thanks for all the responses!

                  I did grow up riding, not that my parents were ever that interested in my sister's or my riding. But I rode any horse I could find, I did have lessons, did show some, kept horses for other people and even exercised race horses. Every horse I ever "had" got sold out from under me. So at 21 or so I stopped riding, got married, and just thought I'd never go back to it because I couldn't afford to do it the way I wanted to. My sister continued on and got a horse that someone gave her and has had horses ever since. But I never stopped thinking that someday, before I die, I will own my own horse.

                  Fast forward, I have a son and a daughter. I hadn't really done any riding since 1975. A 30 yr layoff. Then my daughter decided she wanted to take riding lessons, and the rest is history.

                  I did buy a school horse I thought would have worked out for both of us. He developed chronic suspensory desmitis and had to be retired though, and I'm still paying bills on him. This is him with my dd -
                  http://images108.fotki.com/v605/phot...edited1-vi.jpg

                  http://images32.fotki.com/v1061/phot...iMedium-vi.jpg

                  My daughter is a very timid child, from birth. She is anxious and has a lot of fears. So altho she has wanted to ride, she has at times been very fearful. However, because SHE wanted to ride, we have been able to work through the fear and she's actually a rider with a lot of potential. I don't know how I spawned her, but she's really a lovely rider when she's riding well. Here's her first show with the leased pony - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nX2Ouh308Ac

                  Really, it thrills me to see her riding well, and I think horses have helped her gain a lot of confidence. I am all for her continuing, but if she decided to stop, it'd be ok with me too. I have at times insisted that she suck it up and get back on after a spill or disappointment, only because I did not want her to be defeated by her fear.

                  As for my own desires, they are mine, and whether or not my dd loses interest, pursuing my own interests are my responsibility. I will love horses because I love it, not because of anyone else. I'm not living vicariously through her.

                  What really prompted me to start this thread was when the other person said that when I had kids, I gave up all my rights. That really bothered me, because although I have kids, and I have responsibilities to them, I didn't cease to exist.

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    What really prompted me to start this thread was when the other person said that when I had kids, I gave up all my rights. That really bothered me, because although I have kids, and I have responsibilities to them, I didn't cease to exist.
                    [/QUOTE]


                    Kudos to you! I adore my kids and of course am there to support all of their activities and their interests. I am at every game, and every match. I am involved in school and do the homework with them. However, I am so glad that I have my horses because it makes me a BETTER mother. I see too many women who don't have their own thing whatsoever and they live vicariously through their kids' interests (be it horses, ballet, or whatever.) It can be a very lonely existence for a lot of women. Of course, many are completely fulfilled and that is great! Yet, I believe there is a lot of misery under the guise of many doting mothers.
                    Last edited by Bearhunter; Dec. 31, 2008, 08:05 AM.

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                    • #70
                      When all is said and done, what will they all those "moms who gave up everything" have when the kids are gone besides bragging rights. Better to preserve a little dignity and self respect along the way and indulge yourself with a dream of your own.

                      Comment


                      • #71
                        Because this is my chance to ride, my chance to own my horse, my time to be able to PHYSICALLY do what I want to do with horses. My 15 yr old will probably ride til college, then she will probably do other things in her life and will one day wake up at the age of 40 and decide to ride again.

                        It is a huge sacrifice owning 2 horses, trying to do a few shows a year (3 for me and 8 for the daughter) but I enjoy being the "show mom" and I am so proud of what my daughter has accomplished. But she also knows that my horse stays, and her horse is the one for sale if finances ever force us to downsize.

                        Our time together at the barn, around the horses, and at shows is very precious to me because we don't fight. There is not the mother vs rebellious teenager drama when we are around the horses. We need that time because she and I tend to butt heads a lot lately as she is getting older.

                        My daughter and I doing what we love

                        http://good-times.webshots.com/photo...55040504NgXNiQ
                        Connemaras Rock!!!

                        http://community.webshots.com/user/lovemyrobin

                        Meet my new horse Piedmont Penelope http://community.webshots.com/album/287402098dfpwFc

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                        • #72
                          Seems like it is more a question of balance than giving up rights. It is good for children who see secure parent(s) with passion/interest that makes them happy. If the parent(s) passion means the childs interest is constantly ignored, that is wrong & selfish of the parent, IMO. If a parent's passion becomes a family activity, that is icing on the cake.

                          OTOH, it is not attractive to see a parent completely beholden to the every whim and fantasy of a child. Those children develop the "Precious Syndrome" and are a bore to be around worse yet, be friend to your child and guest in your home. When my youngest daughter was in third grade she brought home a PS classmate one afternoon. That classmate spent exactly one afternoon in our home then went on the "keep out" list.
                          Last edited by SLW; Dec. 30, 2008, 11:52 PM. Reason: a

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                          • #73
                            Originally posted by SLW View Post
                            Seems like it is more a question of balance than giving up rights....it is not attractive to see a parent completely beholden to the every whim and fantasy of a child. Those children develop the "Precious Syndrome" and are a bore to be around worse yet, be friend to your child and guest in your home.
                            Sadly, too much of society has become "child centric"...the child is all powerful, all needy and shall not be made unhappy. Screw that. They're a member of the family, not the shining star to be bowed down to....but not in many families. I watched a mother at Dover tell her visibly snotty daughter (while buying the brat $2,000 of britches) "Don't tell your father". Yep, what a lucky guy with these two in his life.

                            Share your life with your kid, don't give it up for them. If the kid wants to ride (and the rest of the family doesn't have to sacrifice), great...but it should be fair. Should the parents give up their hobbies so the kid can show and all that entails? No. Should the siblings be tossed a ball and told, "go play x-ball at school" your sister's hobby is more important and we don't have enough to support your passions. No...but I've seen this happen a lot.

                            Share the family interests with the kids, don't give them up for the kid. I've seen way too many mothers allowing themselves to be treated like "rented mules", being snarked at by their darlings...and fathers sitting miserably in the truck waiting for the hunter show to end so they could provide additional help if needed. Pathetic. If it's not your hobby, it's a job. The parents already have jobs.
                            "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"

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                            • #74
                              Starda - your daughter is a lovely rider!

                              SLW said it very well. There has to be balance - I don't think giving up your dreams or desires is healthy at all. There is no reason you can't foster them right along side of your daughter's dreams.

                              Comment


                              • #75
                                Originally posted by SLW View Post
                                Seems like it is more a question of balance than giving up rights. It is good for children who see secure parent(s) with passion/interest that makes them happy. If the parent(s) passion means the childs interest is constantly ignored, that is wrong & selfish of the parent, IMO. If a parent's passion becomes a family activity, that is icing on the cake.

                                Nicely put.
                                No, I still have my tattered dreams but I'll put them off to the side a little for my DD. But re boating - well, don't ever get into the world of yacht racing - fast boats and fast living - they don't call those guys "rock stars" for nothing. So really it is all how you approach it - as a shared activity, or one of several activities that different family members enjoy and the rest of the family supports/has input in.
                                Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
                                Incredible Invisible

                                Comment


                                • #76
                                  My mom, my daughter and I all ride. My husband and I are just making ends meet and I can't afford lessons, boarding or horse ownership for myself OR my own daughter (she's 8, and the oldest of three). Granny keeps ponies for the girls at her place so they ride when we can visit. Recently, my mom bought a gelding for us to share . . . and he turned out to be much more suitable for my riding preferences than for her own! I ride him three days a week, at no expense to me, and my wonderful mother is footing the bills out of the goodness of her heart. I wouldn't have expected it and I realize what a generous gift it is. Mothers can be like that.

                                  I can't wait until we get ahead financially and I can assume responsibility for my own horse expenses, buy a horse or pony that will suit my daughter, and steer my younger two towards the horse life. 'Til then, I am VERY lucky that my mom is helping me keep riding into my adult life, and lucky that my girls have some great leadline ponies at their grandmother's house.
                                  My ears hear a symphony of two mules, trains, and rain. The best is always yet to come, that's what they explained to me. —Bob Dylan

                                  Fenway Bartholomule ♥ Arrietty G. Teaspoon Brays Of Our Lives

                                  Comment


                                  • #77
                                    mother and daughter rides

                                    I grew up with two sisters that rode, and two parents that had not the first clue about horses. We kept our horses at home, and we were responsible for their care (I got my first pony at age 6, and picked out his feet and groomed him and turned him out and fed him all by myself - I had a great riding instructor that came by twice a week to keep an eye on things, and my parents were on hand for emergencies) My youngest sister had scoliosis and was not able to do a lot of riding over the years (surgery). My middle sister was very competitive with me, and we had a blast riding all over the mountain that my aunt owned.
                                    Some 20 years later, my middle sister has three children, and one of them is doing h/j at age 12. My sister has two personal horses, and the one for her daughter.
                                    My youngest sister sadly gave up riding, and steals one of our quietest trail horses for an occasional jaunt.
                                    I went on to fulfill my dream of sharing the horseworld with my own daughter, now 13. We trail ride on our own mountain, and take in rescue horses and find them new homes. We have three horses now, and rescues passing through that we both ride.
                                    I would not give up my rides with my daughter for ANYTHING, even if trails are all we ever aspire to. I am raising a compassionate, responsible, generous, well rounded child that loves horses as much as I do. And that was my dream anyway.

                                    Comment


                                    • #78
                                      My daughter is 10 and we both have been taking lessons together for the last two years (I'm a 20 year gap rerider). I got to the point that I wanted to ride more than once a week and hoped to find a horse we both could ride. Well, the horse I ended up getting has worked out great for me. He is green with issues and my riding has improved so much. Both of us are blooming together. I don't regret putting daughters wishes for her own pony aside for my own 30 year dream of owning a horse. My daughter still takes lessons but I have never seen the same drive to ride that I had as a child. She enjoys riding but doesn't like doing the work of caring for a horse. At 46 I just wasn't going to wait any longer. Life is too short and after dealing with cancer I realized that I had one thing on my "bucket list" - to have my own horse. Now I am thrilled to be on this journey to see how much horse and I can improve.

                                      Comment


                                      • #79
                                        Starda...I have the opposite problem: I'm a mom with 3 daughters. Not. a. single. one. rides. Seriously...I kid you not.
                                        I took the normal "time off from horses" to do the grown up things...marriage, kids, mortgages, etc. My 2 older girls I didn't carry...the oldest is somewhat adopted (I was her legal guardian throughout her teen years) and the middle daughter is my step daughter technically. (we just call all 3 my daughters though) My youngest one has half my DNA and still has zero interest in riding. And there are horses right outside our door! I still can;t wrap my brain around that, LOL!
                                        I got back into horses when my youngest was about 7 or so. She took lessons because she wanted to. Enjoyed it...and then my husband surprised me with a horse of my own again. Way too much horse for my daughter, but we did end up buying a small farmette and buying the youngest her ideal horse...right down to markings and eye color. She promptly decided that cheerleading was her passion in life and while the horses were adorable and fun to pet once in a while...she was over them. The oldest and middle daughters are actually AFRAID of horses...go figure.
                                        So it can go either way...but having children does not mean the mom gets to do nothing at all. There's a balance...you're all members of the same family and all have equal value...whilst you can enjoy the extra authority. So while it may be impossible to afford 2 horses at once...it may be possible that at some point in the near future you lease or purchase a horse suitable for both of you. You both may have to compromise on some thing while horse shopping, but both of you can be happy with one horse. No reason not to share...if the Mom pays the bills the Mom gets to ride some. You may have to wait until she's 18 to have your own or to both be able to show...that's compromise. But stating you get nothing because you reproduced is ridiculous. And there's no reason your adorable daughter (she's a cute little slip of a thing on that pony!) can't share the horse. We do better as parents when we compromise rather than giving up everything to provide a perfect world for our children. She's old enough now to learn that Mom has rights and wants too and she'll probably be happy to share. You don't want her growing up thinking that once she becomes a wife and mother that she has to take the backseat in life too.
                                        You jump in the saddle,
                                        Hold onto the bridle!
                                        Jump in the line!
                                        ...Belefonte

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