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Overprotective husband!!!

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  • Overprotective husband!!!

    While I own my own horse, I also ride other people's horses. One family in particular has an 18-year-old QH that gets a bit sour for her 10-year-old rider, and they also have a 5-year-old PMU rescue that I actually have going a solid First Level. NOTE: No payment involved--I'm a ammie (Ex prelim eventer and now 2nd Level dressage rider).

    I ride these horses to help the owners and am passionate about turning the horses into honest citizens. The PMU has dropped its owner twice to the point of having a spleen removed the first time and broken ribs the second time. 95% of the time he is an angel.

    So last night the PMU spooked when some kids started "horsing around" while I was leading him and plowed over me. I'd honestly rather the horse do this to me than his beginner owner or her kid.

    TO THE POINT: Every time I get hurt by falling off another owner's greenie or something like last night happens my husband FREAKS out and pronounces that I will never touch that horse again. He doesn't understand my passion to teach and train these horses. Geez, I put a sewing machine needle through my finger and he didn't tell me I would never sew again!!!

    How do my fellow COTHers handle the overprotective spouse? I picked up riding 4 years ago after a 15-year hiatus and have been married for 14 so this "addition" to our relationship wasn't grandfathered into the equation when we met.

  • #2
    Husband doesn't sound overprotective to me. ESPECIALLY after the side comments, spleen removed, knocked down, broken ribs, about the animals causing the damage. YIKES!!

    He sounds REASONABLY concerned that you are dealing with such UNRELIABLE animals, who have ALREADY wrecked havoc with other people's bodies causing extensive, severe, damage to them. What can he expect to have happen to you, in light of the above incidents?

    If you like rehabbing, I think you need to get some different "free rides" to give help to. Those horses have some REAL issues and they are going to hurt people AGAIN. Count on it happening, when is the only question left. You can't ever trust one who is 95% reliable, and 5% flat-out dangerous. How fast does it change personalities? I am in the No Excuses camp, where horse needs to be reliable 99% of the time, and backing away from things that bother him the other 1%.

    Sounds like you get some thrills from being "The Horse Handler" amongst the ignorant. Don't count on that keeping you safe, horses are unreliable, your turn will come along if you keep riding them. How hurt you get, may badly surprise you.

    If the horses you talk about were mine, they would be sold or dead. I refuse to deal with junk minded animals that plan to hurt me or family. NOT WORTH the damage they cause, people hurt. Very bad injuries too from your own words. No excuses for that, to me, except pig-headedness in the equine. Some equines are not worth saving, except in fiction stories.

    I am with your husband, find some other animals to ride. Lots of nice animals to ride, tweak a bit for the owners. Bad minded ones will get you sooner or later, and you are not getting any younger. Means you bounce less, hit the ground harder, break easier, WHEN, not if, you fall off. Those folks need to get some animals that are fun to own and use.

    How good is your Health Insurance plan for injuries? Sounds like you will be needing it.


    • #3
      Originally posted by Carnelian View Post

      Geez, I put a sewing machine needle through my finger and he didn't tell me I would never sew again!!!
      I don't think that's a fair comparison, I don't think he fears the sewing machine to throw you into a fence and then stomp on you. I think he has valid concerns. With 15 years off, why would you want to be working with greenies? I can see someone young, who bends more than breaks. I think you have a wonderful husband who is scared for you and loves you very much.

      To be honest I would be worried too.
      Last edited by Chardavej; Dec. 18, 2008, 01:05 PM. Reason: did the quotes wrong
      I want a signature but I have nothing original to say except: "STHU and RIDE!!!

      Wonderful COTHER's I've met: belleellis, stefffic, snkstacres and janedoe726.


      • #4
        Well you should be lucky your husband is so protective. While you are passionate about what you do, there is no point in getting hurt really.

        Now on the other hand you could have my husband who can handle and ride anything. So, you don't get any sympathy or over protectiveness what so ever.

        I would be happy with a little over-protectiveness!

        COTH, keeping popcorn growers in business for years.

        "I need your grace to remind me to find my own." Snow Patrol-Chasing Cars. This line reminds me why I have horses.


        • #5
          Totally agree with goodhors!
          Now, onto the root of the problem. Are you spending a lot of time with the horses? Is it taking away from 'our' time? Horses are major time suckage and if you and he are not prepared for this endeavor, then I suggest you take 2 steps back.
          And you're not a friggin' teenager anymore. Stop acting like one and ride saner horses!
          Even duct tape can't fix stupid


          • #6
            Well I was wondering how he could accept eventing at Prelim yet be upset about what you are doing now. I appreciate that he didn't know you when you were riding Prelim.

            I think you need to have a heart to heart with Mr. C. Tell him the truth -- horses are your passion and if you do horses long enough, you usually end up with some injuries along the way. I would assure him that you practice safety around horses, but there will always be a chance that you could be injured. There is always a chance that you could be injured driving a car, too. He probably doesn't have a sense of proportion on the risk.

            I will assume that his making pronouncements about what you will and will not do is just an emotional reaction. Lincoln freed the slaves many years ago and if Mr. IF tried to forbid me from doing anything, he would have a very big problem on his hands -- a lot bigger than the horse issue. I can't tell from the OP if this is something that needs to be addressed or not; I'd try to finesse a way around drawing a line in the sand if I could. However, I would make it clear that while you are sensitive to his concerns, you are still doing horses.

            My final thought is that if he is just not into horses, then don't bother him with the details of your horse life. So many non-horse people just don't get it and become really stressed out when they hear about routine horse happenings. Stick to the highlights.

            Oh and on the insurance. Having health insurance is important, but having both short and long term disability and long term care coverage is also a good thing. It bolsters the concern about what if......and of course, these coverages also would be in effect if a far more likely event, like a car accident happened.
            Where Fjeral Norwegian Fjords Rule


            • #7
              Since you aren't getting paid to ride these animals (and are not looking to), and your seemingly well intentioned husband is concerned for your safety, do you think you could call it a draw and find some other horses to have fun riding?

              He keeps breathing because you are riding something reliable, and you get to keep riding.


              • #8
                A couple of questions for you to ponder, though the answers may or may not be any of our business...

                - Does your husband go to the barn with you so he sees how things are, or is his imagination working overtime based on your description of the incident(s)?

                - Are you a dual-income household and barely scraping by financially? As in, could your husband be worried because if you get badly hurt you'll be out of work, and even if you have decent health insurance and short and/or long-term disability insurance you'll end up not being able to pay the mortgage?

                Just MHO... I'd tell the beginner to sell the PMU rescue and get a bombproof mount, or at least stick with the QH for a while since it's easier to deal with a sour horse than a 5% crazy one.


                • #9
                  In my younger days I was the one who ... " he's throwing everybody?? I'll ride him." and I did. "OH, he strikes out at you, I'll see what I can do". I was pretty cocky. One day a family brought in a lovely tb. gelding and he threw them all. Here comes Miss rideemall. I climb on and sure nuff ole demon horse starts his stuff. I stick like glue. We go round and round and finally he "gives" in. We work a few and I'm delighted with the way the horse is going. I reach with one hand to pet him and say "good, boy. that's the way." To this day I don't know just what that horse did but I was on the ground. Hard. The horse started to run off but came back and started stomping me. Guess he was going to make sure I didn't ride him again. I remember actually reaching up to try to grab his hooves, like I could stop him. Don't remember anything after that til much later but they tell me that the men who were there (fortunately or I'd probably have been dead) came and ran the horse off. Asked me if I could get up to which I replied yes and that I was going to kill that s.o.b. and then passed out. I was on crutches and had LOADS of pain for a long time after that.
                  Since then...bad horse?? Not me. I still start horses from scratch, step by step, slowly but only ones who have a decent brain. There are way too many sensible horses out there to risk your body on the others. Sorry but I happen to agree with your husband. HE is the one who will be feeding you and changing your diapers if you get badly damaged. It "ain't" worth it.
                  Edited to add: Horse was gone when I was able to get back to the barn, hopefully he went into a dogfood can.
                  You know why cowboys don't like Appaloosas?" - Answer: Because to train a horse, you have to be smarter than it is.


                  • #10
                    My SO can be very protective. I think he died a bit every ime he watched me take on a new horse, since I do take troubled ones now and then, along with the starting our home breds.

                    He's pretty non horsey, so I think in some respects it makes it more stressful for him, because he could see what was happening, but having no idea of the why it was happening, & would panic.
                    Also add to the fact we have a ring at home, and all the horses stay here, so he can see me working them from the house windows, (and any dramas that might occur as well. )

                    I struggled a bit with his worries, and then at a loss I began to include him.

                    "I'm going out to do such and such, can you come help me for a few minutes? I could use a hand with... (fill in the blank) and so forth. It made him part of the current project, also aided with his level of understanding what was really going on, and expanded his 'comfort zone' about what I do, and why I love it, and why I'll never stop.

                    I think he still worries when I compete, esepcially when it's on a newer horse, but he's relaxed a bit more now, realizing that I'm not quite so happy as I am when on the back of a horse. And also that when dealing with horses, sometimes, stuff just happens

                    He's a willing rider, although very inexperienced of course. Working on that, too.

                    I will agree however, that there is a limit. There are horses that are just too dangerous, and while they aren't perhaps beyond my skills, I've ridden many a rank horse, I also tend to assess the horse's behavior, and can I fix it, and is it doable without serious injury? Sometimes..there have been horses who I will refuse to try to turn around, and simply say, uhm nope, you need someone else for this horse, he's way to chancy for me.
                    Originally posted by ExJumper
                    Sometimes I'm thrown off, sometimes I'm bucked off, sometimes I simply fall off, and sometimes I go down with the ship. All of these are valid ways to part company with your horse.


                    • #11
                      I'm pretty suprised at some of the posters calling these horses "crazy", and that they have "real issues"... is it just me or did the OP say the 5 year old was the problem?? It's a freaking BABY for crying out loud -- an inexperienced rider could easily fall and get hurt!
                      Why must you chastise my brilliant idea with facts and logic? **picks up toys (and wine) and goes home**


                      • #12
                        People who love you have a right / duty / claim to being protective and concerned. They are even allowed to express themselves in dramatic terms. Once through that stage, the negotiations start .....

                        You and Husband Person need to talk quietly, dispassionately about his concerns, your passions, and the impact these have on your quality of life. Sometimes the final answer is:
                        --Yes, dear. I know you worry and I thank you for that concern. I promise to be sensible.
                        Other times, the answer is:
                        --You are right dear, we as a family can not afford a serious accident. I will stop riding horses known to be difficult.
                        And sometimes the answer is:
                        --Yes, dear, I know you worry, but this is who/what I am. I will take reasonable care, but I will not stop.

                        The bottomline is that he has a right to worry and express his worry. You have a duty to listen to his concerns and consider them as part of your decision making. The two of you together need to decide what is best for the partnership.

                        *star* - whose own husband person would be very happy to sell the mare that dumped me and broke my leg in November
                        "Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit."
                        - Desiderata, (c) Max Ehrman, 1926


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by saultgirl View Post
                          I'm pretty suprised at some of the posters calling these horses "crazy", and that they have "real issues"... is it just me or did the OP say the 5 year old was the problem?? It's a freaking BABY for crying out loud -- an inexperienced rider could easily fall and get hurt!
                          Did someone say they were crazy and had issues? I'll have to go back and read. I think the ones (myself included) who said they agreed with the husband meant since these animals HAVE caused some pretty bad damage he doesn't want it to happen to HER.
                          Of course we could be hurt on the best, most gentle and well trained horse there is but he's got to know it isn't as likely and he loves her.
                          You know why cowboys don't like Appaloosas?" - Answer: Because to train a horse, you have to be smarter than it is.


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by saultgirl View Post
                            I'm pretty suprised at some of the posters calling these horses "crazy", and that they have "real issues"... is it just me or did the OP say the 5 year old was the problem?? It's a freaking BABY for crying out loud -- an inexperienced rider could easily fall and get hurt!
                            While I agree horses are horses & accidents do happen, especially with younger horses, it was probably this comment that alerted people (as well as OP's husband).

                            Originally posted by Carnelian View Post
                            The PMU has dropped its owner twice to the point of having a spleen removed the first time and broken ribs the second time.
                            Her hubby is probably just wondering why take the unnecessary risk (OP does have her own horse) which I honestly can't blame him for asking. It's natural to protect the ones you love.
                            "I'm not crazy...my mother had me tested"


                            • #15
                              Sounds to me like you should be training the owners.
                              ... _. ._ .._. .._


                              • #16
                                If hubs were to say I had to stay away from the things that hurts me, then I would be bubble wrapped and at home all the time. Actually, I think he would prefer me that way. Yes, I am kinda accident prone to begin with, but that's beside the point.

                                I know my hubby doesn't like the fact that horses are so dangerous, but I think he's more afraid of the danger to himself should he EVER insinuate that I not handle horses. I know it hurts him to see me hurt, but if I am willing to take that risk to myself (knowing my limits, of course) then he should just back me and be there for me when I do get injured. All horses have the potential to be dangerous. Period.

                                My hubs bikes... flies down mountains at lightning speed. I can't watch sometimes, but the one time I did pick him up at the bottom of a mountain and he was bloody from head to toe when he endo-ed and the handle bars broke off the bike. I just cleaned and kissed his wounds. I would never tell him not to get back on the bikes he loves so much.

                                And I think that's what keeps us going. I'll be there when he falls and he'll be there when I do.
                                Dreaming in Color


                                • #17
                                  My DH has been known to make sweeping pronouncements when he is upset, or afraid. I'd rather not put him in a position where is afraid for my safety - if I were the OP I'd be less worried about getting the PMU horse to solid 1st level and more worried about getting it some manners - or better yet riding my own horse and looking to get a husband horse for some quality family time. I appreciate that you are doing these other owners a huge favor by working with their horse, but this is one of those cases where you have to weigh your priorities - happy DH vs other persons project horse.
                                  Courageous Weenie Eventer Wannabe
                                  Incredible Invisible


                                  • #18
                                    I'm not married. So I guess take my comments with a grain of salt.

                                    But IMHO...there are several things to consider (which some have already covered)

                                    1) Are you being realistic about your abilities, the horses, and the risks that you are taking? While it's true that one can find a way to get themselves killed by even the most docile horse, it does come down to mitigating risk. Taking unnecessary risks--especially when you are not the only one who may be affected by the consequences--may be fun, but it is also selfish. (IMHO of course.)

                                    2) Have you ever had a SERIOUS injury that resulted in you being so broken or mangled or sick that someone else had to give 'round the clock care? I have. It's very very hard on the other person. It costs a lot of money. And it sucks. I too used to ride pretty much anything. Not so much these days. I know what the consequences can be.

                                    3) If he's not there SEEING these accidents or risks and is getting worked up--but you want to keep taking your chances? Then you have to address your role. You're TELLING him about it. Maybe you're using words that mean one thing to you..."getting run over" by a horse to ME means that a horse tried to get in my space...maybe stepped on my foot or generally shoved me out of the way. To a non-horsey person? He may have images of you lying prone on the ground with a horse LITERALLY running over you. Change the imagery you're giving him.

                                    I can understand wanting to continue to ride and pursue your passion. But I guess that in my mind, he is probably showing due caution based on the true risk level AND what you're TELLING him in your own words.
                                    A good horseman doesn't have to tell anyone...the horse already knows.

                                    Might be a reason, never an excuse...


                                    • #19
                                      OP, just be thankful that hubby isn't grinning like a mule and asking you to sign for him to get huge life insurance policys on you.
                                      When my husband and I married it took a while for him to get used to me going trailing on the timberland all around us by myself. I'd be gone two hours and he'd be out hunting me. This was before cell phones and heavens forbid that I should be out after dark. This annoyed the corn out of me but I did understand that he worried because he DID want to keep me around and all in one piece. He did get used to it although he still tends to panic if I'm not in by dark. Those of us who have someone to worry about us are blessed.
                                      You know why cowboys don't like Appaloosas?" - Answer: Because to train a horse, you have to be smarter than it is.


                                      • #20
                                        Whoever is paying your medical insurance has final say, IMO.

                                        goodhorse laid it out quite well.

                                        So if it ain't you paying the medical insurance, then he's right.

                                        And he's the one that will have to make the decision to turn off your life support machines when the time comes too, and he knows it.
                                        Crayola posse ~ Lazer Lemon yellow
                                        Take time to give...it is too short a day to be selfish. - Ben Franklin