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My parents are trying to kick me out and sell the horses, small update pg 15

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  • #61
    County reminds me of a nasty, bully of a person that posts on a forum that I used to frequent

    Clearlyanalter, you really have my sympathy, I can't imagine this happening to me. I think that sitting down with a clear head and really making some decisions would help - it sounds like putting off the horses for awhile might be a good idea until you're able to get back onto your feet. Or you may have to compromise and take an assistant trainer position or something similar. However, if that's not an option, I would sell the ones that cannot make you money. Keep the lesson horses/ponies as then if necessary you will have them available as income. The one you promised a 'forever home' for - can you contact his prior owners and ask if they would be willing to buy him back for the price you paid, perhaps?

    What your mother is doing is completely inappropriate, and this is in no way your fault. For those who recommended counseling, that would be great, but remember - you cannot teach people that do not want to learn and likewise you cannot make your mother accept who you are or force her to accept the counselling. You're in my thoughts, I wish I had better advice to offer you

    Comment


    • #62
      So what would make you think I'm a nasty bully? other then I don't look at the issue like you think I should.
      Quality doesn\'t cost it pays.

      Comment


      • #63
        Originally posted by faraway46:
        If it took time for you, why wouldn't it take time for them? Why think they have to accept it immediately if you must have thought it over for a while?
        I think she came out to her parents a year and a half ago? I seem to remember that timeline....but I don't know if it's from this thread or the previous one. Or I could be remembering something totally unrelated Apologies in advance if that's the case!

        Comment


        • #64
          I'd agree with some of the posters who have said that it really isn't about your sexual orientation. Well, it is at the core, but the result could have come about based on anything any number of life choices you opted to make at some point that went against her ideals.

          And it really does seem like the writing is on the wall. It doesn't sounds like she's threatening in anger/frustration, and that she really would like to accomodate you. So, she's more than telegraphed to you that she is going to be unreasonable and that any resolution is going to be a long time coming.

          Personally, I think your age is largely irrelevant. Parents come from different schools of thought from the no support through college (if college at all) to the willing to subsidize lifestyles indefinitely. Yours were somewhere in between, willing to help you get your business of the ground and, apparently, looking to let you be a part of the farm the'd bought. I don't think you should be condemn for that (though some posters seem to lean that way).

          Rather, I think you've determined that you can't live at home much longer, that the parents don't seem to be ok with the notion of moving out but continuing to run the barn (though, if you could at all figure out a way to get a business plan all typed and printed with $$$ figures with a nice proposal letter, that would be worth a shot, let them mull it over, when you aren't around to fight with), and that you don't have the funds to take all your beasts (not to mention those that aren't in your name).

          So, I don't really see that many options that haven't been summed up in this thread. Take the 1-2 horses you can afford (if that) and move them the same day you move out, and sell the rest. Its tricky timing, of course, since they may not want you in the house once they realize why you are selling the horses and they may not let the horses not yet sold remain on the property once you've left.

          As for the training stuff, you did mention that only one BNT manages to just teach/ride/train without another job in your area. So that suggests to me that the Target thing should be replaced by a career-type job regardless of your pro/aspiring-pro status. Both the immediate financial reasons and for the long term good.

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          • #65
            It boils down to: if you're going to live with your parents, you have to play by their rules, regardless of how messed up those rules might be. It's time for you to get out and be truly independent.

            Step back and take a deep breath. There has been some excellent advise on this thread. Sure, moving may not have been your master plan, but as one door closes, open another one.

            It dosent help that my sister, who is 20, finds nothing wrong with marrying a guy and living on the property.
            Your sister is right, there is nothing wrong with that plan. Just like there's nothing wrong with you being gay. Regardless, it sounds like you're suffering under their rules. It sucks that everything changed for you so suddenly, but look at this as an opportunity to grow up and start fresh.

            sorry 2ndyrgal, didnt realize I was whining.
            Lastly, if this is all you pulled from 2ndygal's post, you need to take another deep breath, go to sleep, and reread it in the morning.

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            • #66
              Originally posted by 2ndyrgal:
              2ndyrgal, you are my hero. I could not have said it better had I spent hours trying. Sounds as tho we have been in the same place, different times.

              I have to save your post for future reference (daughter is 11, and I myself was young not too many moons ago to remember how it feels...).
              Jessi Pizzurro ~~ Pennyroyal Stables
              Racehorses, OTTBs ~~ 330 383 1281
              Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway. -- John Wayne

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              • #67
                Originally posted by county:
                So what would make you think I'm a nasty bully? other then I don't look at the issue like you think I should.
                Beats me. Maybe your blame-the-victim approach, aversion to grammar and spelling, and generally obnoxious tone have something to do with it.

                Families come in a lot of different shapes. Not all of us up and left home at 18 because, hey, we were adults and our parents didn't owe us anything. "Being responsible for yourself" doesn't necessarily mean "not living in your parents' house." The OP has stated that she is paying rent and paying for horse care. I'm not sure how it works in the rest of the country, but when I pay rent on a property, I assume that the landlord is using my rent payments to cover the costs of maintaining the property for my use. So if the OP is paying rent, she's not getting anything for free. It also seems pretty clear that Mom was just fine with allowing the OP to use the family farm as a base to start up the business. I've seen sponging off of relatives, and trust me, this ain't it.

                Neither is the OP asking to call the shots in someone else's home. In fact, I'm having trouble seeing what kind of parental "rules" she's broken. What would she have to do to make nice with Mom? Miraculously become heterosexual? Commit to a life of celibacy?

                To whomever made the comment about "Target isn't a career:" I'm always amused, too, at anyone who criticizes someone for "choosing" to work at a low wage/low skill job. I have a college degree, years of experience, and hard-to-find skills. Nevertheless, I can hardly snap my fingers and magically get any old job I want.

                This is real life, not a Horatio Alger novel.

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                • #68
                  Originally posted by 2ndyrgal:
                  .....once you are old enough to have a sexual relationship, you better be paying for the roof it happens under.
                  Great post from top to bottom, but THIS line is just THE BEST!!!!!

                  Comment


                  • #69
                    Originally posted by clearlyanalter:
                    I do not plan on living off my partner. She just wants to help because she feels partly responsible for my parents behavior.
                    Here's another way to look at it. You've got your partner. Nothing you do at this point is going to make your relationship with Mom and Dad turn into sweetness and light. Is your relationship with your partner strong enough to give you something to hang on to? If your partner were your boyfriend, and your family were having the same crisis, you'd probably be having a conversation on the order of, "Maybe I should just quit my folks' place and we should get married and set up house together." Is that a realistic option for you? People have gotten married for worse reasons. That's not "living off your partner." That's "being a family."

                    It doesn't address the problem with keeping/maintaining the horses, but it might help you keep and maintain your sanity.

                    My grandma just figured it out a few months ago. (she lives with us too) I was NOT allowed to tell, because my mom said it would kill her. You know what, she has been supportive also, and said she loves me, its my life, i can do what i want. My parents dont know, that my grandma knows, UGH can you see how messed up this is??
                    I suggest a talk with Grandma. She knows, and clearly it didn't kill her. Is she your Dad's mom or your Mom'm mom? Can Grandma sit your Mom down and tell her (1) she knows, (2) she supports you, (3)get a grip? If nothing else, it may make it clear to your Mom that you know that her behavior is simply manipulative and has nothing to do with "protecting" anyone.

                    Comment


                    • #70
                      I would repeat everything 2ndyrgal said! (Only I'd add paragraphs...)

                      Mature adults don't live with their parents. Mature adults pay all their own bills from their own checking accounts. Mature adults don't rely on unspecified and undefined financial support from ANYONE (least of all their parents) when they are trying to start a business (regardless how willing the loaner is!) Mature adults have a written business plan when they are starting a business. (I know you don't have one because if you did you would understand that there is no way to start a business and except to be successful while paying expenses for eight horses.)

                      Mature adults understand that their parents are falible human beings with their own hang-ups, life experiences and relationships that we as children can never truly grasp. Mature adults don't expect "unconditional love and support" from any other human being, even our parents. (If you want unconditional I would suggest looking to religion.) Mature adults try to love each other despite human failings on both sides.

                      The basic complaint in the OP is that your mother is not respecting you as a mature adult or the decisions you believes you've made as a mature adult. I would say that your mother is only treating you as the child your behavior defines you as being. This is a pattern she's had for decades and expecting her to behave differently is unreasonable.

                      That their expectations were that you would live with them or on their property as an adult changes nothing nor does it change the maturity level of your behavior or lack of acceptance of complete responsibility for your own life. Even if they have encouraged you to remain dependant while not good parenting on their part, it doesn't indemnify you.

                      The only way your mother can make you miserable is if you allow it and/or give her the power to do so. I think if you would change your life and start behaving in a mature manner dealing with the rest of it becomes more realistic.

                      This is not to say I think your parents are behaving well--the difference is it's their home to behave anyway they want. But it is not unusual in dysfunctional households for adult children NOT to leave home. You are allowing your parents a distraction so they won't have to focus on their own problems. It wouldn't just benefit YOU to leave it would benefit THEM as well.

                      1) Move out and support yourself on your own.
                      2) Write out and pursue a realistic business plan. (Which would include sell/lease/give away all the horses that can't financially support themselves.)
                      3) Stop expecting God-like unconditional love from your parents and try to accept them despite the screwed up human way that they (we all) are. (which you won't be able to do until you are out from under their control.)

                      One last thing. I completely agree with those who have said it's not about being gay--that's secondary to the real problems and really is only providing a foil for those issues. As an artist I have had many dear friends over many years who are gay. Of my gay friends those who believe that all their unhappiness, problems and difficulties are somehow related to, or a result of being gay are the most miserable people I know. Those who realize that all of us have to make difficult decisions and choices in our lives regardless of sexual orientation seemed to live with much more contentment.

                      Comment


                      • #71
                        First of all, I'm really sorry that your parents are unable to accept you for who you really are. I think you need to be true to yourself and who you are. You seem like a very good and caring person. This is a tough thing for anyone to go through. (((((HUGS)))))

                        Now... The rest of this may sound a little harsh, but I say it because I think you might need to hear it. (I also want to apologize if I'm repeating other people, as I've not had time to read all the posts, though I've tried to skim them all.)

                        You cannot control what your parents think, feel, or do. You cannot accept responsibility for what your parents think, feel, and do. What you CAN do is take responsibility for what you think, feel, and do... and it's time to start doing that.

                        As much as you want this horse business to take off, and as much as you want to keep all 6 of your horses, it's not feasible to do that without living in a hostile environment. As much as I hate to say it (and you may hate to hear it), it's time to get practical. I know others have alluded to this in their posts... Parent child relationships are formative and I think anything hurts more coming from a parent than from just about anyone else... I feel for you on that one... but at the same time, it's time to take some action. Don't sit around and be victim to their behavior. You can't sit around and blame them forever - not when it's possible for you to take charge of your own life and get out on your own. Your relationship with your parents isn't going to heal overnight, and it's not likely to heal while you are living under their roof. Counseling would be great -- but I really think you need to get out of this situation first.

                        As for the horses who are not in your name. Why not just arrange to sell / lease them now, with your parents' permission... or get them signed over to you and find placement for them. As for the ones in your name, they're in your name - they are presumptively yours. It'd be difficult for your parents to prove otherwise. I'd be more concerned about finding homes for the ones not in your name than about the ones in your name, since you can exercise more control over the ones in your name.

                        You need to get real about where you're going and what you're going to do. You need a plan, and you need to get moving on that plan. You have a college degree - you decided to take a year off. I don't know how long ago that was, but this year off isn't going to work out. It's time to execute a plan B. You can get a better, higher paying job where you can support yourself on your own, and you should. Plenty of people do self-care and work better jobs. You might have to put the horse business on hold for a while, but that just might need to be your reality right now.

                        It's NOT an easy situation by any means... but if you want to get out (and you know you need to get out), you need to make some tough choices - and quickly. You cannot take responsibility for what your parents do, but you can take responsibility for what you do. Don't allow yourself to stay in a situation this unhealthy.


                        Comment


                        • #72
                          Originally posted by pacificsolo:
                          <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">What your mother is doing is completely inappropriate, and this is in no way your fault
                          Wait, are you saying that her mother's feelings are invalid? Agree or disagree with her, but feelings are not qualitative. Invalidating someone's feelings based upon your own is very childish.

                          Do some of you really see being gay as being a victim? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                          No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that to have all of this weight on your child and making them feel that way is completely inappropriate. If you can't handle something as minor as being gay for instance, then perhaps you shouldn't have children. What IS childish, IMO, is loving your child less because of whatever (like someone said, I mean if we were talking about a serial killer here, then yes, I can understand the lack of love/understanding going on there). You don't, as a parent, have to approve of, or like that your child is gay, but that doesn't mean you have to treat them in this way or make them feel as the OP apparently does. I remember reading the OP's post way back several months ago, and this apparently started since she came out - and that says a whole slew of things, IMO.

                          Comment


                          • #73
                            Sorry you are going through all this. Sounds like you already know you have to get out, its just what to do about the horses is your issue. As Cherry said, get some legal advice as to where you stand and what you need to do to claim the horses you that are yours so you have control on the next step in their future. Find a field boarding situation for now to give you time to make your plans for the future. If possible talk to your father at least to see if you can help get the others into the best situation you can. Sounds like you aren't in a position to try to "buy" the others through a broker or other at this time.

                            Taking all other aspects out of your current situation. Take a minute to look at your collection of horses. I see a trend here that we see a lot in boarding barn owners and non-BNT trainers that seems to drag these folks back unless they have outside funding. You are collecting horses that are not going to help your core business. When you are starting out in business is not the time to be giving back at this level.

                            Look at your herd.
                            - You have two lesson ponies that could form a core to your business, but currently you are doing more training at another farm on their horses. Time for your own lesson horses when you are more established or can afford to lease a barn.
                            - You have a newly OTTB that you have had for only 3 weeks - AFTER the blowup with your folks. Not likely to fit into a lesson program for quite a while and currently the market is slow so training for resale isn't particularly profitable and can take a while to accomplish.
                            - You have two green horses, one of which needs continuing medical care which is likely to lower his saleability and useability
                            - You have a horse you have been bring through "stifle issues" for 5 years, but this horse is your "personal" horse

                            Aside from the lesson ponies all of these guys are liabilities, not assets to your new business. You are not yet in a position to carry them. We know a lot of trainers who at least start out with a lot of their own horses. Most realize pretty quickly that they never really have time to work them and they aren't doing them any favors keeping them and it makes it that much more difficult to make a living as you need to afford their care too and even if that is nominal, they are using space you could be using for horses to train. Sounds hard and cold, but you need to keep in mind that the majority of small business do not make a profit for quite a few years. Right now you need to concentrate on supporting you and growing your business to the point you can support lesson horses and/or a personal horse.

                            Comment


                            • #74
                              I have not read every response but try to focus on yourself and what you can do immediately to put yourself in a better situation. Can you take a job at another farm? Is your family business/farm your sole income...I don't know if you will be happy there forever but maybe take your time and think this through, saving money or getting a job/jobs somewhere else before going gun ho and moving out with so much on the line...start a plan, selling those you can/want to while you are still home, and try to talk with your parents unemotionally, counseling?? Don't write your family off, I am sure they love you very much.

                              Make up a plan as corny as that sounds, try to think rationally, you can make it on your own, but I would go about things in a more systematic way make a list of possible jobs, do you plan on going to college?, what your perspective income is without your parents farm..ect...nose around out there and see what you can find, before jumping out all together. Finding a farm to base a business out of is a hard thing, you need to figure out your finances, in the immediate future if you are leaving.

                              Comment


                              • #75
                                A lot of people have the same problem in a heterosexual relationship too. I know lots of people who's Mom hates the serious boyfriend or fiance'.You need to do what is best for you. At 23, you need to think of your own life and happiness. What about family counseling with just your Dad if Mom isn't willing?

                                Comment


                                • #76
                                  I'm always amazed how little compassion some people have...........always the old get out and pull yourself up by your boot straps routine

                                  A lot of people have the same problem in a heterosexual relationship too. I know lots of people who's Mom hates the serious boyfriend or fiance'.You need to do what is best for you. At 23, you need to think of your own life and happiness. What about family counseling with just your Dad if Mom isn't willing?
                                  Yes, been there done that - basically my parents, especially my dad, disproved of my husband. That is the main reason we no longer have contact with my dad......and he tried using financial blackmail too, except we did not need his money, so it wasn't working as well....

                                  Comment

                                  • Original Poster

                                    #77
                                    wow...there certainly is a lot to go over here. I will read each and every post when i get home from work tomorrow, and take all of it to heart.

                                    I just got back from seeing my partner, and she put the word out to someone she works with who is in a horse club, to see if there will be a place where I can keep some of my horses.

                                    Im going to attempt to sleep, since I have to be up at 5 to feed and get to work. Maybe tomorrow I can look at the posts with a clear head.

                                    Thanks again for ALL opinions...i really appreciate it.

                                    Comment


                                    • #78
                                      First, in case you do not know, the "gay" issue is not what most consider minor. It's a major issue for many people on BOTH sides
                                      Trying to tell someone they have no right to their opinion really isn't going to mend a relationship. People have very passionate beliefs regarding homosexuality
                                      Simply and correctly put.

                                      It's your parents house, you're a big girl now and should have been out of the house for 5 years now. They don't owe you a farm or any sort of livelihood.

                                      Be an adult.
                                      Support yourself.
                                      See whoever you want, but any choice we make has repercussions.
                                      Your reality isn't anyone elses.

                                      Good luck, people have lived without their birth families, many of them on this board. Have a great life, it's the best revenge.
                                      "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"

                                      Comment


                                      • #79
                                        There will be forks in the road where you have to pick one way and move on. Don't look back. Good luck,
                                        www.HistoricHousePreservation.com

                                        Comment


                                        • #80
                                          Originally posted by BornToRide:
                                          I'm always amazed how little compassion some people have...........always the old get out and pull yourself up by your boot straps routine
                                          Noooo...Some of us just realize that patting her on the head and telling her what a mean mommy she has, exclaiming about what a victim she is and how none of it is her fault is NOT very compasionate. In fact it's very destructive, and unkind.

                                          Taking control of your own life does not exactly come under the definition of "pulling your self up by your bootstraps"--unless of course you beleive being gay automatically makes you a victim. I happen to have more respect for my gay friends than that!

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