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My parents are trying to kick me out and sell the horses, small update pg 15

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  • #21
    I say it's time to leave. Keep in contact with your dad-- does he have a cell or work #? You can call and meet JUST HIM sometimes. You will never be happy with your life and your mother in it until she comes around and accepts it (she may one day).

    Sorry, but 8 horses and working at Target is not going to work. I understand not wanting to selling them, but you need to when you board. I also don't know how people think with your current employment you will be able to afford a place to rent out?

    Honestly, I'd start today and place ads for at least 6 of them. Get them sold BEFORE you move out. That will make the process of moving just 2 easier....though I think 1 is all you should keep with your current position.

    Good Luck.

    Comment


    • #22
      I agree with the " talk to your dad idea"
      And I know its not nice for me to say this but i dont like you mom. She should love you for you. And im sorry she treats you are your friend that way. If you are in CA i may know where you can put your horses but other then that i am no help. Sorry. Good luck.
      Owned by BMA Cherisparkler and PROUD of it!

      Comment


      • #23
        Your partner is also not responsible fro how your parents react. That's also not a healthy view of looking at it! You both have nothing to be ashamed of or feel sorry about - absolutely nothing!

        Comment


        • #24
          Downsize! Having to support 1 or more horses on a Target salary, and pay rent for yourself, is a precarious position.

          It is time to move out! You are 23, it is past time to get out of your parent's house, esp. the way your mom is messing with your emotions. You do NOT deserve to be treated that way. So quit relying on your parents for ANYTHING.

          Find an apartment to rent. Sell all your own horses. Let your parents worry about selling their horses. USE YOUR DEGREE. At your age you need to be looking for a career, not just a job.
          Once you are on your own two feet, with a place to live and good income, then see if you can afford a horse.

          I know horses are important to you but you have to go out on your own, and there is no way you can support all those horses yourself. I tried to have 2 horses, on E-2 military pay. It was too much so I sold one. You will thank yourself when you are away from your mother, and can live your own life without guilt. ((hugs))
          *yeah I\'m sure they\'re grey. just scrape the mud off!*

          Comment

          • Original Poster

            #25
            MayS- Target was a last option for me, not a career move. I needed something to do, until the lessons and training could make money. Maybe I should have been more specific, it's not like i have been trying for years to start this business. I only graduated in May, and its taking me time to get the funds that I need to run a sucessful business.

            I dont see why its such a bad thing that I have a part time job, while im making a name for myself in the horse business. In this area most of the trainers I know, have another job too, except for one, who is a BNT.

            I have been lucky that my parents supported my love of horses, and riding and showing. It's not like I just went out and got 6 horses and cant pay for them now. My one horse like i said, ive had for 5 years now. The two green ones, my parents got for me, so when we moved my horse wouldnt be alone. My two ponies, one i got very cheap, and the other i actually got on the giveaway board here. My newest guy I got to be another lesson horse, and I paid for him as well.

            I honestly wasnt counting on my parents acting like this, and after a year and a half, I thought it would be getting better, not worse.

            Comment


            • #26
              Don't remember the "gay trainer" thread, but if this is entirely because you have "come out" to your parents, I think your parents are the ones with the problem (get a grip folks, it is 2006 fercrissake). Don't know if you could get them to do it, but I think having them talk through their issues and feelings about all this with a therapist might help them better understand their own feelings and where those feelings are coming from. Might help- I find venting at a therapist extremely helpful.

              JMO, but I agree that your parents should love you unconditionally (okay, maybe if you were a serial killer they might have a point ). While I may not always agree with my childrens' choices in life, I hope that they know that I am always there for them and will support them (emotionally and financially ) no matter what.

              No advice really, but I'll jingle a curb chain that every thing works out for you and your horses and partner.

              Comment


              • #27
                Definately way past time to move out. It's nice that you're concerned about the well-being of the horses but even if you have to lease or sell them, please do just so you can get out of what sounds like a very negative, unhealthy environment. Visit your parents but live as an independent adult, hopefully surrounded by supportive friends.

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                • #28
                  It does sound like it's time to leave. When I was fresh out of college, I lived in a toxic relationship (thankfully not my parents, though!), and had to move out. You won't believe how much better you feel and how much easier life is when you don't dread being home.

                  Originally posted by clearlyanalter:
                  My two ponies, one i got very cheap, and the other i actually got on the giveaway board here.
                  I was going to suggest using the giveaway board to find temporary homes (free leases?) for your horses until you can get your feet on the ground. I'm not sure that I know many young trainers who can afford 6 horses, but maybe you can find homes for them for a year or so and get them back when you've got secure income and a new plan.

                  I know from personal experience that there never seems to be a perfect solution. You'll probably have to make a few sacrifices, but you'll be so much happier, I think you'll find that it's worth it!

                  Good luck to you. I know it'll all work out!

                  Comment


                  • #29
                    I dont see why its such a bad thing that I have a part time job, while im making a name for myself in the horse business.
                    Having a pt job is NOT a bad thing, but for your situation and having EIGHT horses relying on you- it is an issue.

                    These horses MUST be earning their keep if you think you can board them out and still afford everything.

                    What's board in your area? Add in farrier, vet, worming and showing times EIGHT- now what's the total? What is rent for your home? What are you car and gas expenses? Add in groceries and electric, etc....that's a LOT of $$$.

                    My suggestions:

                    My one horse like i said, ive had for 5 years now.
                    Sounds like this is Horse #1 and is most likely the keeper ONLY IF you can afford it.
                    The two green ones, my parents got for me, so when we moved my horse wouldnt be alone.
                    Did you pay for them or your parents? If the latter, they stay behind.
                    My two ponies, one i got very cheap,
                    hopefully you can turn around and sell it cheap.
                    and the other i actually got on the giveaway board here.
                    Time to repost it on there (after contacting the owner) with a link to this thread.
                    My newest guy I got to be another lesson horse
                    He can can go too and you can find another one when your life has settled down.

                    You're not the first one that has ever had to sell a horse b/c of financial/life reasons - lost jobs, divorce, college, etc. have all caused people to make this hard decision.

                    Comment


                    • #30
                      8 horses X 300 per mo (feed/board/shoes/worming/meds)= 2400.00

                      Rent (cheap)- 300.00

                      Util/food- 500.00

                      Minimum 0f 3200.00 month would need to be paid to parents to break close to even. I doubt that working at Target and giving lessons you are paying them that, in spite of saying you pay rent. So they are subsidizing you.
                      It's not nice that they are not accepting of your homosexuality. But that isn't the issue, to me. Plenty of parents/kids have falling outs. You need to do what ever it takes to downsize and become independent, and get a career that will support you, without depending on parents/roomates/partners/spouses. It's the only way to protect yourself in the future. If it means no horses for a while, so be it. Very few people ever make enough money in the horse business to have that be their primary source of income.

                      Move out, tell your parents that "you love them, and hope that they will accept you for who you are, and that the door is always open to them to have a relationship with you," and accept responsibility for living your own life independently.

                      Comment


                      • #31
                        Well since sis and grandma and dad know and are supportive that's a start. People need to remember that often times parents blame themselves for childrens problems. I am not saying that being gay is a problem, just don't have a better word at the moment.

                        I think that mom and sis and dad and grandma and you should all sit down at some point and try to talk things out. Maybe when mom sees that everyonse in the immediate family knows and accepts she can stop blaming herself. This is not horrible, but maybe to mom it is. It will take time.

                        It is time for plan "B" for you. Move out, find a good job. It sounds as if there is a lot of other things going on at home too. Dad is sick? Grandma lives there, and you have a younger sis that still lives at home. It could be a lot of stress on your mom who might also be at that very fun menopausal stage too. Cut her a break, understand that she may have a lot going on too right now.

                        Mom is also from another generation. One not as accepting of alternate lifestyles. Maybe it conflicts with her religious beliefs too. I/we don't know the whole story so giving advice is hard. But do yourself a favor and move forward. This might just be the kick in the pants you need to be very happy and will lead you back into horses later.

                        Change is hard and scary but if you plan it out it won't be so bad. I really don't recommend living with a boy/girlfriend right away either. Too much extra pressure right now. Just find a place for yourself and start working toward your goals. You will get there.

                        Starting a horse business is soooo HARD!!! Your need all of the stars, the moon, and the sun to line up correctly. You also need help from the gods, a whole bunch of money and a good business mind to make it really work!! I 'm sure that you probably know this but just thought that I would say that it can be done on your terms with a good plan.

                        Comment


                        • #32
                          This isn't about money - this is all about her being gay and her mother/parents not accepting it. Her mother uses the financial situation to blackmail her!

                          She's obviously trying to get a business going - why would a loving parent not try and help their child to the best of their abilities, especially when the child is also working hard at getting it giong.

                          If it was clearly about money, the mother would simply say that they cannot afford it and another solution needs to be found, instead of laughing into her daughter's face for asking if her partner could take lessons. The mother is denying her daughter income!! This is clearly not about money from the mother's point of view!

                          Comment

                          • Original Poster

                            #33
                            jetsmom- I am paying the feed, shoes, etc, everything that the horses need, for my 6 as well as for my parents 2 horses. I did not ask my parents to move to a horse farm, that was their decision.

                            Where we used to live was VERY expensive, board was close to 1,000 a month. My dad has always wanted to "move to the country" and have horses and go trail riding. Once my sister and I were in college, thats what they did. They also had the mentality that I would always want to live home. The thought of me moving out, never crossed their mind...unti now.

                            While it was nice of them to say I could run my business there, i did NOT ask for any of it. I would have also been happy just being an asst trainer to the place where I was teaching for a while until I could go out on my own.

                            I know im not the first person who has to make this decision. I want to do whats best for the horses, but Im also hoping there's a chance I can keep some of them.

                            Its been emtionally draining, and at the end of the day, my horses (and my partner) are what keep me sane.

                            Comment

                            • Original Poster

                              #34
                              Thank you born to ride

                              Comment


                              • #35
                                Unfortunately, clearlyanalter, I have seen many parents use emotional and financial blackmail on their kids. So sad.
                                Follow your heart and your dreams. Best of luck.

                                Comment


                                • #36
                                  I agree with those who say it's time to cut your losses. Sell all but one or two of your horses...even GIVE them away to good homes. Board out the one or two you keep, and move out of your parents' house.

                                  Right now, your parents are using the horses and your lesson business as leverage against you in an attempt to change your behavior. That would be a generally kosher tactic if you were 12 and refusing to do your homework; but you're an adult who's made an adult choice, and this kind of manipulation is no longer appropriate. You've tried explaining it to them, and it hasn't worked; in their minds you are still their little girl, and the same "rules" of behavior modification apply. So it's time to remove their means of controlling you. I wouldn't be surprised that if you sell your horses, remove the one or two you're keeping, and move yourself out, your parents' tone may change. If you are no longer reliant on them for ANYTHING, they might realize they have to accept you or they will lose you.

                                  I have a friend who did this, but for different reasons than yours. She was the victim of abuse by a family member, and her parents simply stuck their heads in the sand. This led to unhealthy behavior on her part as she tried to cope with her abuse and the fact that her parents...the very people who were supposed to protect and defend her...refused to believe her. In an attempt to stop her self-destructiveness, her parents repeatedly threatened to get rid of the horses. My friend finally had to take a stand. She sold or gave away all the horses, and moved in with friends. It took YEARS of interventions, trial and error, and lots of counseling, but they have finally reached a point where the abuse has been acknowledged and my friend is recovering. Last year she married a GREAT guy, and her wedding present was a yearling warmblood (she's a dressage rider, and this baby has FEI-level written all over him!)

                                  So she's doing well now, but it was a VERY hard road for her from the age of 18-26. The first (and hardest) step she had to take was to make a clean break from her parents, and maintain contact with them on HER terms while she got the help she needed.

                                  I guess my point is that when an adult exerts that kind of power over another adult, the source of power has to be removed. In your case (as with my friend), that means the horses and the living arrangements need to be taken out of the equation. Once you are all on equal ground, there is a better chance for healing (yours and theirs!) to take place. Remember that they, too, are hurting, not because of who YOU are but because a part of them is mourning the loss of the person they thought you were (rightly or wrongly, that's how the human psyche works), and everything they know and have heard about sexual orientation is telling them they have somehow "failed" as parents. While I can't speak from experiece here, I'd imagine that's a pretty hard pill for them to swallow. So at this stage of the game, it's probably best for EVERYONE to put some distance between you, and equalize the relationship as much as possible.

                                  JMO. Best of luck to you!

                                  Comment


                                  • #37
                                    Regardless of your mother and father's unfortunate reaction to your sexuality, there are about 100 reasons that you should have been prepared to move out of the house and sustain your horses' care on the open economy. I know it's hard to be rational when you're so stressed out, but taking stock of your economic situation is only fair to you AND to your horses.

                                    Honestly, this is something that should have been done many months ago when you first graduated and built a budget. What were you planning to do if your parents had died in a car accident or the whole farm caught on fire? What if your parents ran into severe financial difficulties and had to sell the farm? What if your parents' retirement goals changed and they wanted to move to a condo in Florida? Part of being an adult is being financially ready to handle emergencies, even when they occur for incredibly unfortunate reasons. It's still YOUR responsibility to be ready for this sort of behavior, especially when you're largely living on someone else's dime.

                                    If you sit down and honestly fill out a budget sheet, you'll probably see immediately why keeping more than one horse is unfair to you and to the horses:

                                    1. Monthly rent (your partner can't pay it forever, so count on it now)
                                    2. Electric and heating bill
                                    3. Water bill
                                    4. Phone bill
                                    5. Cable television, internet, or other "luxury utilities"
                                    6. Monthly gas expenses
                                    7. Monthly allotment for auto maintenance
                                    8. Auto, renter's, and other monthly insurance premiums
                                    9. Health insurance premiums, including allowances for dental and vision care
                                    10. Groceries
                                    11. Household supplies
                                    11. Clothing and riding apparel
                                    12. Interest payments on credit cards and other debts
                                    13. Estimated monthly savings for federal and state income tax
                                    15. Entertainment expenses like eating out, movies, etc.
                                    16. Travel expenses
                                    17. Gifts on holidays and other occasions
                                    18. Up-front investment to furnish an apartment (my boyfriend and I easily spent $2000 to furnish our first place and it was almost all second-hand stuff!)
                                    19. Rainy-day savings fund to fix major car breakdowns, computer crashes, etc.

                                    Now look at that list and be dead honest with yourself. That list doesn't even include savings for the future. Given that, can you possibly support even ONE horse after all of those expenses without the help of anyone else? The financial world, unfortunately, doesn't care if your parents or your partner or anyone else stops helping you with living expenses; if you fail to seriously address those expenses, you could end up homeless or worse.

                                    Please think seriously about what's best for your animals. The last thing you need is to find yourself in a terrible financial situation where you can't support your horses and they end up sent to auction or put down. It would be a million times better to let them go to new, secure homes now (either for a small profit or for free) than to suck them into a potential financial firestorm.
                                    Head Geek at The Saddle Geek Blog http://www.thesaddlegeek.com/

                                    Comment


                                    • #38
                                      I know that it isn't just about money, but if you want to be an adult, who is in charge of making decisions, and have the freedom to be who you are, you need to be independent.

                                      He who controls the money, has the power in any relationship.

                                      It's their home, their rules. If you can't abide by them, leave. And at your age you have a right to be with whomever you want, sexually, professionally, and in any other manner. But they have an equal right to have whatever rules they want on their property, no matter how stupid, uninformed, or disagreeable.

                                      Once you are independent, the balance of power will shift, and they will view you as an independent adult. It's not gonna happen while they control the purse strings.

                                      Comment


                                      • #39
                                        ClearlyAnAlter - I don't have anything better to say than what has already been posted. I am so sorry that your mother basically believes she can blackmail you into being straight. Your sexuality is not a bargaining chip. Don't let her turn it into one. Do whatever you have to do to get out.

                                        Please let us all know if there is something that we can do to help you through this difficult time. I don't know if any BBers who've posted to you live relatively close, but if I do, please let me know how I can help.

                                        Comment


                                        • #40
                                          IMHO, making money in the horse business is very very difficult. First you really need to downsize. Find a place to share rent with someone, maybe even a farm where you could live and work there. Then, have you looked into large barns in your area that may be interested in you as an instructor/trainer? Maybe you could work something out for a reduced board on 2 horses and build up clientel, then maybe at some point you could eventually have your own barn. Just a thought. Good Luck.

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