My parents are trying to kick me out and sell the horses, small update pg 15

[Prieta]

Ise, you sound like you've never had a hard life - choices are not made by wishes but rather, to live with people who do not wish to understand and do not have rooms in their hearts. Sigh....

[Weebonilass]

Originally posted by seal:

What the OP's family did was dirty pool. They said hey, we want to support you in your desire to become a trainer, so we are buying a farm for you. Perfect. Then, without warning, they change the rules and want to evit her. Lovely. I can assure you, having the rug pulled out from underneath you with NO warning is most unpleasant.

I disagree that she had no warning... she had a warning when she tried to move out before.

And if her mother is a very religious person, she had to know that coming out in a very(?) Catholic(sp) family was going to have some major reprecussions... they don't consider it a alternative lifestyle, but a major sin along with a number of other strict religions. Heck, the Popes have taken enough public stands on that issue that a even a non-religious person knows what it is


And whoever said life was fair?

[ise@ssl]

Oh come on - most people in this country live a better life than most people in the REST OF THE WORLD.

No one has a perfect life and few people are clones of their parents in beliefs, interests, etc. If her parents have set certain parameters - THAT'S THEIR RIGHT. She seems to want to eat her cake and have it too. GROWING UP means realizing you have to adjust and make changes - you don't get everything you want - when you want it at any age.

If her sexual orientation isn't acceptable to her parents - that's that. Maybe they will change - maybe not. Leaving home should have come a lot earlier than this for her. Most of us faced that and grew up and got on with our lives.

[Prieta]

Iss, you are right that we are living better than most of the people out in the world; however, it is taking the topic out of context. I'm much more interested in helping people here in USA like Clearlyanalther live in this world with love. People leaving nest deserve to know that family still love them regardless. then the rest of the world will follow. Love erases hatred.

[dizzywriter]

Coming down from working on a brief with a glass of wine and hoping for nothing that will really engage my brain too deeply, I've been reading this thread with a fascination I find almost as inexplicable as the vent that led to the almost famous Nothing thread. This, obviously,has more emotional heat.

What I find interesting from this interminable discussion that is getting way, way off the OP is that so little compassion is being expressed for mom and dad. Dad gets a bit, for being in solidarity with the OP. But mom gets almost none at all.

The OP mentioned that mom told her that dad wants a divorce -- and it's the OPs fault. For some reason, everyone seems to have overlooked that important factor in the family tensions.

I won't speculate about the reasons for the divorce issue -- the OP said her mom's a Catholic but said nothing about her dad.

Having been raised a Catholic myself, and being an apostate now for many many years (tho some of my best friends are priests), I know plenty of Catholics that are divorced, so the OPs mom's reluctance to agree to a divorce is either from a deeply help religious belief (which could explain her religion-based abhorance to the OPs gayness)or it could be an excuse for other, more deep seated reasons that none of us here can understand because we know nothing about mom's side of the story.

I don't much buy a genetic explanation for gayness, as I don't buy a genetic expanation to most human behaviors -- except in certain extreme cases. I don't think it's a choice. But it's more complex.

I think it obfuscates (great word that was well used in the nothing thread) discussion to put sexual orientation in the same category as race -- though race, too, is a fluid category in some cases. Nor is it in the same category as fruit flies, bats or other living beings that act without all the emotional baggage that we humans carry. That said, I have no problem with gays at all. Some of my best friends...

It seems to me that the OPs parents (I'm not clear about how they decided)bought the horse property with the idea that maybe this would help keep her (and/or her sister) close to them as she/they grow into adulthood.

If the parents are having marital problems, the children (OP and sister) may be a factor keeping them together, thus the need for the horse property.

The OP going to dad for support vs. mom, regarding the partner's visiting the horses: Dad may encourage this, since he wants a divorce. Mom may get upset at this because she sees it's driving a wedge between all of them but may not have the resources, imagination or wherewithall to imagine life alone (or how she imagines it to be alone) or how to separate all those issues into concrete emotional tasks.

I know deeply believing Catholics very well. Few are bigots on gay issues. In fact, there's nothing in the New Testament about gays, that's mostly Old Testament stuff.

Anyway, my 2cents.

dz

[Prieta]

Iss,
I better issue each one of her issues directly instead of replying to anything not really relating to what Clearlyanalter. thus, here's my answer.

" Hi everyone. Im sure you remember me when i started the "gay trainer" thread."

Hello. yes, I remember you.

"Now i need some suggestions, and possibly some people to lean on."

I get that you are depending on us to share our objective thoughts on what you need to do. Also, you trust that we'd be there for you to go through the hard time. I agree that COTH is a good place to go to if we can ignore insensitive members.

"It's been about a year and a half since I came out to my parents, and while my dad is a little bit better, my mom has not changed at all."

One year and half is not a long time. I am happy that your dad is a bit better than before. Your mom has not changed...I do not think she'd change much within the next three years or 10 years unless a big "rock" falls on her to make her wake up to see how wonderful you are.

"I asked if my partner could start to take lessons and she fully intends on paying, but my mom laughed in my face and said that she couldnt even believe I would ask something like that. I tried to explain i didnt want to go behind her back, and I was trying to be as honest as possbile, and make everyone happy. She told me we have to have a "big talk" and that I am intentionally hurting her. Apparently everything that I do hurts her. If anything goes wrong at all, its my fault, I havent been able to sleep, I dont even feel comfortable in my own home."

Sounds like your mom is still upset that you are a lesbian. She sounds like she is trying hard to make your life miserable - she may or may not be aware of her own actions. She might prefer that you lie which is something you do not want to do. Dishonesty creates a lot of rift in yourself. She wants to have a talk - don't know what that might entail but.....

"So, its going to come down to choosing between my partner and my family. I dont want to choose, so Im sure Im going to get kicked out. You might be thinking, you're almost 23 why are you still home. Im still living at home because this is where im trying to start my lesson/training business and my horses are all here. I do everything, stalls, feed, ride, teach, etc."

You are trying to get business started and the best place to be is at home! However, you find out that it is not so.

"Im pretty sure when I get kicked out, I wont be allowed back on the property and they are going to sell my horses. This is where I need the advice and help."

You've come to the right place, COTH asking for help regarding care of horses and you are fully aware that you will be get kicked out and that you accept that. Your biggest concern is what to do with the horses. Some of us have experiences on how to get the best care of horses when you have to move out with no money and no support.


"Three of the 8 horses/ponies have my name on the bill of sale. The two older ones are my parents horses, so really they can do what they want with them. The other 3 horses are my babies. One i have had for 5 years and the other two green beans Ive had for over a year. Im so scared that they are just going to get rid of them."

that is understandable. You truly want to get those horses taken care of the best way - with you! If not, then you are asking on how to best give them the care?

"I also pay for the vet, chiro, dentist, shoes, etc. Does that count for anything or since my parents are on the bill of sale for the other three, do I have no legal leg to stand on? I dont know what I would do without them, especially the one Ive had for 5 years. He's only 9 and Ive promised him a forever home. Even if I could get all 6 to a place to board, there is no way on my paychecks that I get from Target, that I could afford board on 6 horses. My partner is trying to help in any way that she can, and she will most likely pay rent for an apartment until I can afford to pitch in for rent too."

You are still seeking suggestions on how to provide help for your horses. Right now, the only thing I can say is to look for a friend who has a barn with rooms for your horses. And then, you can trade off with your friend? Or, you are seeking someone you know will give the best care for your horses. It is extremely tough; though, you will come out stronger at the end with your partner. She will be there for you - she sounds wonderful because she is willing to pay for rent while you get on your feet.

"I thank you for reading all of this, and any advice or suggestions would be wonderful."

Sad to say, I've learned from people that I best keep my mouth about my "biological malfunction" shut. People are still very very immature and mean that they are not ready to deal with anything that is a bit different from themselves. Mum to your differences and focus on the real issue - how can you get through this horrible experiences of finding homes for your horses under your care within a very short frame of time. (((hugs)))

[jetsmom]

Ummmm...if you are truly needing support and direction in your life, I HOPE you aren't relying on a horse-related internet BB and a bunch of anonymous people to get it. Therapy is a much better answer.

[clearlyanalter]

wow...i leave for work for 11 hours (yes they kept me there from 6am-5) and look what has happened.

I have a lot i want to address, I dont even know where to begin. Also, part of me feels that I dont have to explain every detail about myself, because in the end, most of us will agree to disagree. Besides, since this is an alter, i can continue to post here on my other name, and no one will know the difference, though I suspect that those of you who do know me, can probably figure it out.

I do want to address one thing now, and then Ill probably be back later to say some more.

To whoever said how dare I make my dad choose...or close to that. I never suggested for my partner to come up to the house while my mom was at work. That came from my dad. I dont sneak around behind their backs. I am always upfront and honest with them. I try not to talk about my relationship in front of them because i know how they feel. My dad initates the conversations now, so thats a good thing. I guess Ive always been a "daddys girl" My sister was in the hosptial most of her childhood, so i was either at home with my grandma or with my dad. Plus, he was my horse show dad, my mom would come to video tape, but my dad trailered, groomed, etc.

time to go feed the horses, ill be back to finish this when i can...

haha jetsmom, dont worry I was more looking for advice on what to do with the horses, than anything else!

[mst]

Bottom line is you need to do what makes you the happiest. If being with your girlfriend makes you the happiest, then thats what's most important.if it's the horses, then focus on that. when we leave our parents and become individuals, we choose our own paths. If you leave your parents and make your own life and horses are important, you will find a way to involve them again without your parents help.

[Coreene]

Not to get all Simon Cowell about it, but may I borrow his line and say "I don't mean to be rude."

I don't mean to be rude, but you chose to work at Target. I am not belittling any job, because I think that honest work is just that, honest work. But the "just got back from a hard day at work" and "I leave for work for 11 hours" isn't the way to win friends and influence people. It's Target. It's not brain surgery, and yes being on your feet all day can be tiring, but if it's such a bummer then get another job.

After all, if you want to be a trainer, it's going to be many days where 11 hours looks like a cakewalk.

At 23, it's time to buck up and move on. Because no matter how much you are paying in the way of rent, etc., in real life, he who owns the home makes the rules.

[CuriosoJorge]

Why would anyone actively choose a lifestyle in which many people shun them, their own mother tells them they are going to hell, and strangers may inflict violence on them?

I am surprised by the lack of tolerance - and dare I say it - stupidity displayed on this thread by certain posters. I thought I knew some of you better than that.

To the OP, I wish you all the best with your situation and with your horses. I can imagine having parents who are unsupportive of your goals. I cannot imagine having parents who tell you you are an evil person and you're going to hell.

[MistyBlue]

Just my very humble opinion (because I'm a very humble person)...(okay, I couldn't even TYPE that with a straight face, LOL)
but....
The OP might have added the reason for her parents' hostility as her being gay...however...the main reason for her post on an equine BB was attemtping to find out what to do with her horses...or how to go about finding a new place to live and keep her horses...but it was about her horses. Meanwhile the poor young lady gets whomped with a dozen pages of everyone's rhetoric opnion spewing. Fun for those posting and those of us reading...but about as much use to the OP as tits on a bull.
Yes, the OP did get a little too into the personal reasons for her dilemna by sharing a little too much family laundry on here...but regardless of being an adult...she is a young adult.
But if we really care *that* much to spew for 12 pages...let's care enough to actually give her ideas and help on the actual problem...her horses and her future working in the equine business after possibly losing what she thought of as her place of business.
Here's some ideas for things that might help her:
1) Places and ways to place her horses
2) Which horses she should attempt to keep and which to place out
3) Possible ways to keep working out of the farm she's working out of now...even if it involves tough decisions.
4) Ways, ideas and possible costs for her to rent her own place to possibly run as an equine business.
5) Possible places to look for a live-in job as a trainer/teacher/barn manager and bring a horse or two.

These things might be of more help to the young lady rather than what each of us and the bible and the medical community thinks about homosexual people. She's not trying to place some homosexuals...she's trying to place some horses.

[mzpeepers]

She's not trying to place some homosexuals...she's trying to place some horses.

Well yes she is. The OP is going to have to figure out how many horses she'll be able to take with her and how many of the horses are truly hers as opposed to her parents'. We don't know in which part of the country the OP is located so that makes it a bit difficult to come up with specific suggestions but overall I'm sure as a trainer/instructor she already knows those close to her that might be able to help.
As far as a job, hate to say it but working at Target is not what I would consider a good career move. The OP is a college grad and she should probably attempt to find a different job in her specialized field, at least until her financial situation is clearer.
Decent pasture board is usually available for relatively cheap all over (even in California where I live LOL) and, with the backing of a good paying job and the support of her partner who already offered to help, the OP can probably come out ahead in a fairly reasonable amount of time.
Being independent from her parents might mean that the horse related business has to be put on hold for a while but who knows, perhaps her parents will realize that she is indeed passionate enough about her horses and her future to mellow out as far as her sexual orientation goes.

All and all good luck to you clearlyanalter. It's a tough situation and it is too bad that you have to face these kind of decisions.

[Kementari]

I do wonder how many of the people telling the OP to "just go get another job" have tried that lately...especially as a young person just out of college. It ain't that easy, folks! (I know, I've been trying since September, in a state that supposedly has a good economy!)

While I do agree that finding better work is necessary in the long term, I think you guys need to realize that the fact the OP has a job AT ALL is not to be sneezed at.

(And I'm not really sure what's so different about a 5 day-a-week job that goes from 6-3 vs. 8-5...both are 8 hour days, otherwise known as "full time"...)

She's not trying to place some homosexuals...she's trying to place some horses.

(And mea culpa...)

To the OP: if you are in New England (or Eastern Washington/Northwest Idaho) and need some leads, let me know. I don't know of anything off the top of my head, but I know people who may know people.

[BornToRide]

I like to believe that God is more tolerant than a lot of people on this planet, especially considering he made us in his liking, which must include homosexuality as we are all children of God, are we not? I seriously hope you find the right solution for your situation. Best wishes!

[clearlyanalter]

I thought I said this earlier, but I am upstate NY.

Also, you;re right Target is not brain surgery, but when Im supposed to work 6-230 and get out at 5, its a long day, I dont think anyone can dispute that. (PS i never said "hard day") I have taught lessons starting at 8 in the morning and going to 8 at night. That dosent bother me. Its not like im just a cashier standing around and ringing people up. Im actually higher in level than the "normal" team member. So while its not the ideal job all of you think I should have, it pays the bills for now. Youd be surprised how much a manager at Target makes. I wouldnt look down upon people who work at Target, or any other retail place.

It could be worse. I could be a 23 yr old who NEVER paid for anything in my life, and had my parents pay my way, all through college, and for the horses and everything, and now i have to get a job and pay for things. But im not, Ive always worked and helped to support my horse habbit. I babysat as soon as I was old enough, got my working papers and got a "real" job as soon as I turned 16. I worked all through college, and in this area, Target was the best i could do right now.

I was teaching lessons at another barn and would like to be the asst trainer there, but like i said earlier, she will not let me do that until I am CHA certified. She is so busy getting her new place ready for the horses that she has put the lessons on hold for now. The earliest i can be certified is April. The other place i would love to work at is with a BNT (who lives at home with his mom) while he is away at WEF and whatnot, his mom still runs a lesson business. She dosent have any openings at the moment, but said I could do stuff around the barn for free. Well, I do that here now, so Im trying. It's not like i settled for Target, but I need to pay the bills somehow. At least im not whining about having no money while I sit on my ass. I am working and trying to do whats best for everyone...

MisyBlue, thank you, thats exactly what I was looking for. Besides doing what is healthy for myself, I really want what's best for my horses. They didnt choose to be in the middle of this.

[EponaRoan]

She's not trying to place some homosexuals...she's trying to place some horses.

I think I love you. In a totally platonic sort of way, of course!

I do wonder how many of the people telling the OP to "just go get another job" have tried that lately...especially as a young person just out of college. It ain't that easy, folks!

Amen. I'm currently 'underemployed' in a job that doesn't use my degrees, etc & I'm a helluva lot older than the OP. And weirdly enough, I'm generally happy with it. It's union and has great benefits (health insurance) and works well with my sleep disorder. I don't know if you have union stores in your state, clearlyanalter, but that may be something to look into. Unless they're undergoing union negotiations which has been a very hot sort of thing the last few years.

As far as the horses - well, clearlyanalter does write that she has the bills of sale in her name on three of the horses. So, in theory at least, she shouldn't have a problem moving them/taking them with her if she leaves. I think in her shoes, I'd look for some sort of live-in caretaker arrangement or assistant trainer position with boarding arrangements for x number of horses and possibly an apartment and then work my way up from that. Which may or may not be workable for her in her location. Perhaps if she can give some ideas as to location (east coast, west coast, whatever she's comfortable with sharing) some of the folks in the area might have some leads for her.

[LoneWolf13]

Wow...I'm amazed at what this thread has turned into!

Anyhow, I will not voice my opinions one way or the other on homosexuality since I think this has gotten way outta hand. I just wanted to say to the OP if she is still checking on this thread (which I highly doubt at this point) that I'm sorry you're going through this and I wish you the best of luck no matter what your decision may be.

[Kementari]

clearlyanalter, NY is a bit far from us, but you can try www.equinesite.com if you are looking for barns/pastures or even assistant trainer type stuff. There are some people from NY there, though the focus is more Northern NE. There are classifieds there as well as discussion boards, with some nice, helpful people (and a few not-so-nice, but that's the internet for you ).

[mst]

I feel for you, I really do. Its a damned if I do damned if I don't situation. You are who you are. You can't change that. It's like the threat of taking away the horses will make you change in mom's eyes. It sounds like a dare. I don't know your mom but if you said sorry mom, i am who i am and goodbye, would she right you off forever? You can get into a legal battle involving the ownership of whatever horses you think are yours but it will only drive the family farther apart.

You were so strong in coming out in the first place and should be proud of yourself in being honest with your family. It is such a shame that your honesty is now making you suffer.

Your mom is actually steering dad away from her by acting this way. Your dad is being what a dad should be and loving and supporting you no matter what.