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kids: how did it affect your horse life?

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  • #21
    Kids do, and will, affect every aspect of your life.

    The only way I've been able to keep riding from a time and energy perspective is the fact that I have my own business, work from home, and have flexible hours. It means I can throw in some laundry, cook a meal, change a diaper, or whatever in between working. I have no family help and only just recently secured a reliable babysitter. Daycare, with its high cost, is not an option as it'd negate a lot of what I make with my small freelancing business. I gave up my "real" career in favor of freelancing, for the flexibility. But, my bank account took a hit, which means my horse life has too.

    It was easier to continue riding when I had one kid, but with two, it has been a struggle to stay with it. It takes time, money, energy that is often at a premium.

    It's also important to realize that things will not always go to plan. We adopted our daughter, which had not been in the "master plan." She was an easy baby and it was simple for me to leave her with DH and head the 2 miles down the road tot he horse. Then I got pregnant with my son 4 years later, had a tough pregnancy, delivery and recovery. He has had a lot of health issues which have demanded a considerable amount of resources. At 3.5 now he is doing well but needless to say, my horsey activities have been at a minimum!

    I've found a pretty happy medium now, finally, half-leasing a horse and lessoning 2x a month. I have no doubt I will own a horse again, just trying to decide when/if is the best time.

    The bottom line is YOU CANNOT do it all. You just can't. And to delude yourself into thinking you can only leads to guilt/disappointment/burn out. Seriously. So line up some good help, either for the kid or the horses.

    It CAN be done, but only if you are realistic about it and adjust your goals/wants/needs accordingly.
    We couldn't all be cowboys, so some of us are clowns.

    Comment


    • #22
      Having children resulted in a complete re-do of my career plus pretty much total absence from the horse world for about 25 years. Having twins will do that to you! I don't regret a minute of it - my sons are wonderful people and I am back in horses again as my empty nest project. But sometimes when you decide to do something major like have children, things happen that are so completely unexpected (there wasn't a twin on my side of the family anywhere and we had ours the old fashioned way - no fertility treatments here!) that everyone just has to throw out the playbook and make it up as you go along.

      Not trying to be Debbie Downer, just trying to let you know that a) God has a sense of humor (no other explanation as to why he would send twins to two yuppies who were sorta not sure about being parents) and b) sometimes even the best laid plans go 100% awry, so be prepared to change.

      Watch the Steve Martin movie "Parenthood" to get an idea about how to embrace parental life wholeheartedly!

      Good luck!

      Comment


      • #23
        Pre-kids: I ws a trainer out of our facility at home. DH worked away from home and made double or triple the income I did.

        Kid #1 - I took fewer training horses and she lived at the barn with me. Showing was stressful, as I didn't have any clients who offered to help and I didn't want to ask. Besides my horse life, I found the change from non-parent to parent to be extremely difficult. I was 30.

        Kid #2 - Number of trainig horses was steady. I was MUCH more laid-back and less stressed out! He lived at the barn with his sister and me. When he was 6 months old my husband changed jobs which required a move. We were in a hurry to purchase a new house , so, with limited options, purchased a house on land and decided not to build another facility. Instead, I would commute. That changed everything for my job, as I was no longer walking out the back door to work. I took some time to settle, then started back to work evenings on a part time basis. DH woudl take kids when he got off work and I'd go ride for 4 hours or so. Not ideal, but worked. Was difficult to bring in newclients in a new area due to the odd hours.

        Kid #3 - continued above for a year, but I've kind of fallen off the career path, and I'm okay with it. I still do lessons seasonally and take a few horses here and there, but it's been hard to get a business going in a new area without being out and about more. In my case, my career has suffered, and that's okay. I enjoy being a Mom and plan to rethink and reestablish my career when the kids are all in school. My youngest is 2.5 and the older two kids and I showed locally quite a bit this summer. We had a BALL!! I find it much more enjoyable to watch them show than to do the big shows myself.

        Being a Mom has changed me. It brings out my high anxiety, and I have to work at that daily. But I'm a more compassionate trainer, rider, instructor, and person.

        Comment


        • #24
          My husband and I had our daughter relatively late, after we were both established in our careers. I was out of horses already. We decided to get me back into them when our daughter was 10 years old. We moved to acreage so we could have our horses at home, husband was already a stay-at-home dad, and I continued working. Since he was home, the only things I had to do were work and spend time with our daughter--I didn't need to do any chores for people or animals. And spending time with our daughter was never an obligation--I have always been totally nuts about this kid, even now that she's 20.

          This worked out well because I have a disability and can't do it all. I also suck at the domestic stuff due to complete lack of interest. He is great at it. But I'm really, really good at earning a good living and enjoying it while I do.

          So this enabled me to enjoy our horses in my time off. Because he handles all the home stuff (even now that our daughter is off in college), I have both the time and the energy to drive my horse a couple of times a week.

          I'm sad that the horses didn't end up being something the three of us enjoyed together. They were supposed to be. Husband and daughter just weren't that into it. The pony I drive is still nominally my daughter's, but we both know she isn't interested in anything more than a quick hello and ear scratch (for him, not her!) when she's home.

          Unfortunately my husband is now getting weary of being tied down by the horses. We've done some significant traveling but our horse care arrangements have not worked out the way we'd like. The two horses we have left are old, and I know he's not going to be willing for more when these guys die. Until then, our mare is living a very luxurious retirement, and our daughter's pony is still working for a living, hauling me around until he tells me that he can't do it any more.

          Rebecca

          Comment


          • #25
            I am at the beginning stages of this saga and have not read all of the replies, but here's where I am at least.

            I work full-time as an insurance agent & DH works at a gas company & is a volunteer fireman who also is in his EMT classes currently. We had a full-time nanny until just recently and DS starts daycare on Monday.

            I am a pro (by USEF standards i.e. I have trained/sold horses for a profit, but I would be scared to actually show in the pro divisions in an A show). I sold my last trainee 3 months into my pregnancy and didn't pick up another so that I could just enjoy my first pregnancy.

            I had my son in January 2013 and am just now looking into starting up actually taking lessons myself to get back into shape and then eventually moving back into foxhunting & clinics with the lesson horse (more or less riding a friend's horse and taking lessons from friend who is a trainer, so not a standard boarding/show barn scenario). When this happens it'll be on the one day a week when DH is not at EMT class or having game night at the house (that's his stress release, and better than him going to a bar!) and probably late at night so I can help with feeding DS and making dinner.

            I differ from you in that I don't own any horses. I don't know when/if we'll be able to buy a horse because as most people here I would prefer to have my horses at home. Unless I could do self-care at a barn I used to board my old OTTB again.

            I do want DS to ride (uhm hello pony racing at WIHS!!) if he is so inclined and DH does ride western with us on trail rides when he gets the chance so we are not a show-directional family.

            Not sure if that diatribe helps at all, but that's how I'm handling the kids/horses issue.
            Friend of bar.ka!
            Originally posted by MHM
            GM quote of the day, regarding the correct way to do things:
            "There's correct, and then there's correct. If you're almost correct, that means you're wrong."

            Comment


            • #26
              I have read some of the posts here but I really believe Laura KY is probably the most accurate.
              Everyone seems to say that yes you can find balance, kids are mobile and get used to it.... which yes... but what I'm not seeing it 2 things (and maybe I just missed those posts)

              1. Its handier if you can keep your horse at home, but if you board then you need to work that into the equation. Depending on the barn it isn't as easy as just parking your screaming child in a stall with a Barbie while you ride, plus there is the commute time.

              2. This is a big one that I haven't seen mentioned - your husband. Yes they need to take responsibility for their child also BUT this doesn't mean that your husband needs to be okay with taking a backseat to a horse.
              So you work for 8 - 10 hrs a day (your not seeing him then), your home long enough to either pick up from daycare and drop off with dad, while you then go spend another 2-4 hours with your horse. You come home and you now have maybe a couple of hours at best with your spouse, although you still need to spend time with the child. The man can be a SAINT, but eventually this is going to become tiresome for him.

              And I am commenting on experience, (twice) although now that the kids are grown - balance is coming easier. But I've had to give up my dream job, because balancing the job, hubby and horse meant that something suffered. If I had met my hubby when my child was young again something would have had to give.

              Its not impossible, but it's really something that you need to talk to others that have a similiar lifestyle as yours to see how and if they manage.

              There are things that also haven't been discussed... things like the guilt you may feel... when I'm with my hubby/child - I'm guilty I'm not with my horse, when I ride I feel guilty and rushed to go home and spend time with my family, when I'm running behind at work, I tend to think I'm spending too much time with everything else. This may not happen to you - but its the little things like that that still needs to be taken into account.

              Good luck with your decision - now in retrospect if I had to do it all over again I know the decision I would make.

              Comment


              • #27
                I have a 7 month old daughter, work about 45 hrs a week, and have a 9yo step son. We have the money to afford to show but I've not been on a horse except to test ride a pony for DSS since I returned to work. I have no interest in being away from my baby more than necessary. If we could afford it I would stay home and then might get back into riding but right now we need my salary as I bring in more money.

                My horses are at home in a cattle field. The retired mare has some tangles in her mane and their hooves are no longer touched up weekly but they are happy and healthy.

                I never thought I would lose interest but I enjoy time with my baby more. Simple as that. They're only young once.

                Comment


                • #28
                  I have two kids (although the second one is rather new, so I can't really comment on juggling two at the moment... she's only a week or so old), and I found that juggling the first one wasn't that hard. I invested in good quality baby toting devices and surrounded myself with supportive people. DD spent the first year of her life at the barn hanging in her stroller, play pen, or in a back pack while I did chores (I tried to work them around nap time, even though it meant getting her on a schedule where she was up pretty early). Now, we had support until she was one, as we lived about 15 minutes from my parents. My husband is military and is gone a lot. My mom would take her for a few hours a couple of times a week while I went and got some extra riding time in. I was more focused on starting my mare and working with the young ones on the farm than I really was with showing, however. I did scribe and ring steward at a few shows over the summer though. I'm a SAHM, so being able to make my schedule was a bit easier. I handle all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.

                  When we moved, it was 900 miles away from friends and family, AND DD figured out that she could walk, which meant keeping her in one spot was a little bit harder. We put my mare at a self care facility to save some money and I went out and did my chores when it was quiet. DD would play in the arena sand while I quickly picked my stall. DH would swing by in the morning and dump feed, so I just had the one stall to clean. Then I would set DD up with lunch in her stroller in the judge's booth and work my mare in hand. I found out that I was pregnant with #2 right as we were getting ready to move, and got very sick (HG + high blood pressure), so mare got put on the back burner some days. She didn't really mind hanging out in front of her fan eating hay instead of working in the 100+ degrees though.

                  When DH got home in the evenings, he would take care of dinner/bed time and I would go do evening chores, teach, and do any bigger chores that I couldn't get done during the day. He doesn't get to see much of our girls during the day, so he enjoyed having "their" time together in the evenings, and I enjoyed being able to get out of the house and to the barn. I tried to reserve Sunday's for family only, and making just quick trips out to feed/clean.

                  Now that I've had DD #2, we've made the decision to put my mare at a boarding facility so that I don't have to bring the girls out in the yucky winter weather (and there was some rather unsavory barn drama) to do chores. It's kind of a hit financially, but it's the better option for us right now, especially since DH's hours at work are about to get REALLY interesting. We've also started DD#1 in twice a week daycare, because she really needed the social interaction and I use that time to organize my week.

                  Even though he works a TON, he's always doing his best to pitch in around the house, and I don't think that I've EVER heard him say that I can't go do something horse related. He's thrown himself into the learning as much as he can so that he can help me out around the barn. He's been 100% supportive of my attempts to start training and giving lessons, even though it doesn't bring in any real money and he's my number 1 cheerleader. I could never, EVER juggle this without him.

                  When push comes to shove, I am a little bummed that I don't get to show as much as I planned. I get a little sad when I see friends out showing every weekend like I used to. I have a lovely, capable mare, but budget and time just don't seem to be able to align so that it works. I'm only 24 though, so I have plenty of time to get back into the show ring once my girls are a little bit older. It probably won't be on my mare like I've been wanting (she's 9 and already showing some serious arthritic changes) but I know that the right next horse will come along. Right now I'm just happy that I'm able to enjoy my family (the girls are only this little once!) AND my horse, even if it's not in the professional capacity that I anticipated.

                  Comment


                  • #29
                    Originally posted by Bigbutt View Post
                    2. This is a big one that I haven't seen mentioned - your husband. Yes they need to take responsibility for their child also BUT this doesn't mean that your husband needs to be okay with taking a backseat to a horse.
                    So you work for 8 - 10 hrs a day (your not seeing him then), your home long enough to either pick up from daycare and drop off with dad, while you then go spend another 2-4 hours with your horse. You come home and you now have maybe a couple of hours at best with your spouse, although you still need to spend time with the child. The man can be a SAINT, but eventually this is going to become tiresome for him.
                    This is pretty huge. My SO has a crazy work schedule that has him working 12 hour shifts four out of six weeks. During those weeks he has to work one weekend day. Two of those weeks, it's a night shift so if he's working saturday night, he needs to sleep Sunday as well. He's also in a graduate school program. His work is going to be changing his location to add probably another hour commute (from MD to DC/VA area) in another month.

                    He's awesome with kiddo and they have a ball together (and no, I don't consider it "babysitting") but the reality here is that if I want to go see horses on the weekend, I have to hire a sitter, or do it on weekends when he's not working the 12s, otherwise I *don't* see him at all.

                    It's hard stuff. If I get that "me" time I so desperately want and need, I end up feeling guilt over missing time with my SO, and working on that relationship. If I stay home and try to get all the stuff done that needs doing, from being ignored during the week, I get very frazzled and desperately wish I could just *get out*. I can't imagine how I'd maintain active riding/training with our situation.
                    "smile a lot can let us ride happy,it is good thing"

                    My CANTER blog.

                    Comment


                    • #30
                      Yay, the mini-Minion is here! Congrats!

                      Comment


                      • #31
                        I am very interested in this thread, since i too am at the beginning of the parenting road. Baby arrived 9 days ago.
                        I am thrilled to hear that your baby made it in a timely fashion, Superminion! Congratulations! I hope everything went well and that you're both enjoying life together. Did the timing work out as you'd hoped?

                        So far, I am optimistic that I'll be able to make it work to continue riding and keeping my horses without too much drama. I am lucky that I keep my horses at home and also work from home for the majority of the time.

                        Within the last week or so, my husband has taken on a lot more in terms of helping take care of the horses, but I am cleaning stalls - sometimes with baby strapped to my chest. Pretty soon, I'll be flying solo with regards to the horses care and don't foresee too much issue. I also hope to start riding again in the next week or two.

                        The changes I've found I've already made, happened in the lead up to baby arriving. I sadly lost my young prospect to a nasty colic, back in June. This was very sad and a real blow. He was a very nice horse that had a lot of potential. Mentally, he was keeping me motivated, because I have always said I don't want to have to stop riding when I became a mother (I'm a little stubborn, so If I set my mind to something, I can generally make it happen). Instead of replacing that horse, I free leased a horse to keep my mare company. I now have 2 uncomplicated horses to keep me ticking over in terms of saddle time, until the right timing/prospect comes along for me to purchase. But, it means not having that more competitive/challenging partner.

                        The second change I've made, is to have an area of my paddock leveled and added sand, so I can ride more continuously at home, rather than trailering to other places. This feels like it'll allow me to ride enough to stay sane!

                        I'll be interested to see how well this all pans out, but I definitely plan on giving it a try. In terms of showing, it'll be a while until there is much going on here now, so hopefully it is realistic in the future.

                        I'll be watching this thread for more words of wisdom. But, my housework already suffered before the baby was born, so that is one thing that's not likely to change

                        Comment


                        • #32
                          We were married for 16 years and both in our mid 30's when we finally decided to start our family. I was incredibly worried about how it would change things as after 16 years. Well things certainly changed but I wouldn't change it for a second. My DS is almost three now and I am expecting once again. I can say, naptimes are your best friend, and just pray for a good napper. Our horses are at home, so come naptime I would just turn on the monitor and go play with horses, clean stalls, etc. Now I wouldn't ride if my SO wasn't home for fear of "what if" I get hurt and can't return inside with my son but could ground drive, do round pen work, etc. If SO was home, we both got to work or play outside. We also scheduled a weekday "me time". So one set night a week (we picked Wednesdays) I was guaranteed to come home and ride while SO cooked dinner and watched our son. Not that he didn't help all the time but it was the one day when no mowing could be done or any other farmwork. We could have rotated more but this is all I need. Now sure this only gave me 2-3 days a week to ride, once during the week and then on weekends when there was time, but to me that is plenty. I don't compete but for fun once every blue moon, otherwise enjoy my arena work and trail riding. We still go on twice yearly week trail riding trips dedicated to just enjoying the horses thanks to the support of my family and occasionally throw in a weekend trip. This past year I didn't ride as much but that was due to our major farm projects of which we did the majority ourselves (built barn for all the trailers, installed auto waterers, refenced and cross fenced, then hired out the geotextile and gravel work). The thought being if the farm is easier maintained it gives us more time to ride and be with our little family. I know there will be challenges along the way but we will just work thru them. Honestly I don't care if I don't get to ride much, I'm happy being with my family staring out the window at our fat happy horses.
                          To ride a horse is to borrow freedom.

                          Comment

                          • Original Poster

                            #33
                            Thanks all for the pieces of advice! I will keep it all in mind.

                            My DH is very supportive, and we've had a multitude of discussions about splitting duties. I will not be the sole "child-rearer" by any stretch. In fact, it's a perfect time in both of our careers to start a family as we're both relatively flexible. A year ago not the case, and probably won't be the case in another few years. And we've had multiple discussions about giving each other set times off, actually in almost an identical fashion as equislover mentioned. We also plan to stop at one rugrat. It sounds like from a majority of posts that things got a lot harder with kid #2! So that further solidifies my decision there!

                            I do have the horses at home, and ride at home, only trailering to lessons 1X a week. So from multiple posts, it sounds like that will be a big benefit. I plan to work hard to get my current show horse trained to "old campaigner" status over the next few months. With my other two, there came a point where they were so well-trained that a week or two off didn't make a difference; I could hop back on and not worry about backsliding. And when I was a busy student (with limited funds as well), I regularly just hauled in to shows for a few classes; only being gone a morning. Throw them on the trailer, haul, tack them up, show, hop off, throw them back on the trailer, and head home. Often times I was gone before they would even place the class and I'd just have them mail me my ribbons.

                            Comment


                            • #34
                              I was convinced we would stop at one also, till about a year ago when I thought you know, two would "complete" the family. So keep an open mind about that, these wee little ones have a way of changing your mind.
                              Trust me, you won't regret it for a second! I work 40 hours a week, commute 10 hours a week, and saddle time is very much do-able with support. Now if I could stop daylight savings time, that would help as well.
                              To ride a horse is to borrow freedom.

                              Comment


                              • #35
                                Yeah, I'm still waiting for that 'I'm done' feeling. #3 is nearly 5 mos.
                                Originally posted by The Saddle
                                Perhaps I need my flocking adjusted.

                                Comment


                                • #36
                                  I have to agree with what people are saying.
                                  1--yep, it is all about your support system and your spouse. If he is willing to take the kids off your hands to ride, or if you have a mom or sister or something to help, it makes a TON of difference.
                                  2--Having horses at home makes a HUGE difference. Being able to just walk out the door or mess with horse stuff while the kids are happily playing in the sand box, is SO much easier than having to drive somewhere.
                                  3--each child is different, each age is different. I have a 4 year old and almost 2 year old. If it was only the 4 year old, I would have a ton of free time, he even helps me with stalls! But at two, and with her personality of not listening and being fascinated by the horses, DD has to be watched like a hawk.
                                  4. They are worth it, they are amazing, and its put competing in a different perspective for me. And if DD becomes a horsey girl, then great!

                                  Comment


                                  • #37
                                    I haven't read all of the posts, just the first few, so I may be in the minority when I say I couldn't do it.

                                    I live in a rural area with no family close by. My husband works construction which means he works late and weekends. Prior to children my income kept up the horse, I worked to pay for the truck, trailer, board, lessons, shows, etc. His working late nights allowed me to ride after work, etc.

                                    I now have two children...the oldest will be 2 next week and the youngest is not quite 6 months old. So, 2 under 2. Daycare for two kids was more than my mortgage payment, so, on certain months (depending on how payroll fell), I did not make a dime, so, I quite work to be a stay at home mom, which is not what I wanted to do.

                                    With my income gone, the frills that go along with horse ownership are now gone as well. Even with 1 child it was hard to find time to actually get to the barn long enough to ride. It would all fall into place one week and Id be in the saddle 4 times, then life would happen and it would be 2 weeks before I even saw my horse. With 2, its damn near impossible. I am grateful in that I have been able to lease him out instead of selling, but, I imagine it will be another year or two before I can even begin to think about riding again. With no help or support at home, its impossible for me.

                                    Now, for those with help and support, even that board/ride at a barn with teens that can baby sit, it CAN be done. That old saying "it takes a village" is true.

                                    Your spouse also has to be 100% on board with it, if hes not, it will make it a lot harder on you. I know it works for lots of Mothers, for me, that was not the case, and between the horse-mom guilt of not being able to even see my horse, and the human mom guilt of actually wanting time away from my kids, it wasn't doable.
                                    Never Ride Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly
                                    Way Back Texas~04/20/90-09/17/08
                                    Green Alligator "Captain"

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                                    • #38
                                      Originally posted by rustbreeches View Post
                                      Yeah, I'm still waiting for that 'I'm done' feeling. #3 is nearly 5 mos.
                                      Ha ha! Oh no! I definitely had the "I'm done" feeling just after birthing #3! DH was glad for that!

                                      One thing I'll mention that I'm hearing in some of these posts: We are a society that pushes "dream bigger, reach higher, do more". When you're childless, your accomplishments are what you do yourself. When you have children, you get to decide who gets the accomplishments. It took me (and others on this thread, I can tell) to a place where I decided that I don't care anymore who knows my name or if I've left this world a better place. I am not important. The only thing that matters is making my family happy and being loved by them. Making this decision has taken the "supermom" out of the equation and freed me!

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                                      • #39
                                        Originally posted by Showbizz View Post
                                        Ha ha! Oh no! I definitely had the "I'm done" feeling just after birthing #3! DH was glad for that!

                                        One thing I'll mention that I'm hearing in some of these posts: We are a society that pushes "dream bigger, reach higher, do more". When you're childless, your accomplishments are what you do yourself. When you have children, you get to decide who gets the accomplishments. It took me (and others on this thread, I can tell) to a place where I decided that I don't care anymore who knows my name or if I've left this world a better place. I am not important. The only thing that matters is making my family happy and being loved by them. Making this decision has taken the "supermom" out of the equation and freed me!
                                        I love how you put this!! So true (except the 3 kids thing, 2 is good for me! )

                                        I still have some goals that I want to achieve, but all that can wait while I enjoy my girls. Look at that gentleman at the Olympics this past year who was what... 79? 80? We got time!

                                        Kids changed my priorities, but it was for the better, I'm sure of it!

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                                        • #40
                                          Originally posted by Showbizz View Post
                                          Ha ha! Oh no! I definitely had the "I'm done" feeling just after birthing #3! DH was glad for that!

                                          !
                                          Lol! Driving home from the hospital with #3 I asked when DH wanted to start trying again! But I'm a slow learner
                                          Originally posted by The Saddle
                                          Perhaps I need my flocking adjusted.

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