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I need serious advice - divorce pending, reducing herd

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  • Originally posted by hundredacres View Post
    LOL...thanks for the laugh Lex .

    For what it's worth, this is a no-fault state, so whether or not I am a hoarder, is irrelevant.
    So good news, you never have to throw out another yogurt container unless YOU want to!

    PS: I bet you can make a great home for cats out of old yogurt containers.
    If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats. - Lemony Snicket

    Comment


    • HA - just {hugs}. It's going to be tough but you will be able to get through it once the dust settles.

      Oh, and Wendy? I think you should be round penned to work off some of that aggression.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by hundredacres View Post
        and documented addictions.
        I'd be screwed and have to immediately burn my " I do not need another horse" sweatshirt.... Hi, I'm Holly and I own 8 horses" gasp for. Crowd "but .... That includes a mini and 2 ponies .. So the numbers are skewed". Crowd shakes heads sadly at my denial....
        Come to the dark side, we have cookies

        Comment


        • Originally posted by LauraKY View Post
          What part of "no fault divorce state" do you not understand?
          Not everybody lives in a no fault state and his comment was made a couple of posts ahead of that.

          @Trak: Wendy's message was that the OP is stupid for having to rehome the animals - instead of the child - because she became dependent on a husband.

          Unlike your message: 7 horses being a lot of fodder for the other side
          Wendy: Horses = children

          Comment

          • Original Poster

            Originally posted by Pennywell Bay View Post
            I'd be screwed and have to immediately burn my " I do not need another horse" sweatshirt.... Hi, I'm Holly and I own 8 horses" gasp for. Crowd "but .... That includes a mini and 2 ponies .. So the numbers are skewed". Crowd shakes heads sadly at my denial....
            It did cross my mind that I may need to purge a few things from the tack room *blush*....

            Thanks again for the laughs If I weren't off dairy, I'd start collecting yogurt cups, just for the symbolism.

            So I was never able to bring alcohol in to the house for the first time in years - living with a recovered alcoholic (25 years, quit before our relationship) I was respectful and basically never drank. The other night my daughter stayed with a friend and I bought myself a bottle of wine. I felt like I was 21 again - it was liberating. Now, I only had one glass just in case my daughter called. But it was delicious, on many levels.

            We'll get there. I so appreciate the dozens of PM's...sad that so many people have gone through this, but good to know that the light at the end of the tunnel probably isn't a train...it's daylight (*knock wood*).
            Last edited by hundredacres; Oct. 24, 2013, 09:25 AM.

            Comment


            • Originally posted by LauraKY View Post
              What part of "no fault divorce state" do you not understand?
              Ahem, I guess I understand more than you...such a snarky insulting response...anyway, not all states are "no fault". No fault can mean "no adultery" and a lot of other causes aren't necessary to get a divorce...it doesn't mean that people's behaviour in the marriage isn't considered. The OP's husband can use the 7 horses as a way to show he was paying for an expensive hobby/hoarding situation. This could be done for all sorts of reasons, including equitable distribution of assets...and the horses, if purchased during the marriage, are property of both people...which could be used against the OP as emotional blackmail.
              "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"

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              • Original Poster

                Rest assured, he wasn't paying for the 7 horses . That is all I will say about that.

                Comment


                • Originally posted by Trakehner View Post
                  Yes, it is to most of the world. I said I would expect it to be brought up in the divorce hearing..."How many of these horses can/do you ride?" "Why do you have so many horses when you haven't time to ride one?" Etc. Etc. Etc. It's not going to be portrayed as the normal person owning one maybe two horses. It's going to be the perception used against the OP.

                  I don't know Wendy but saw her comments differently than you did...was what she said incorrect or do you just not like the messenger?
                  Originally posted by Trakehner View Post
                  Mrs. Trakehner is a lawyer, so are two friends who are riders...I asked them what her response would be when during a divorce one party brought up the other party owned 7 horses. All 3 (females) said anyone who owned 7 horses would not be seen as very sympathetic and someone abusing the family budget. I wish the OP luck, but the horses are an achilles heel and an easy target.
                  I think Wendy's and Trakehner's opinions are extremely valuable.

                  While hundredacres is our COTH friend, and came here for friendship and support, it's good to have the opposing view in time to prepare for it vs. being blindsided by it in depositions or court.

                  It allows you to experience that visceral, kicked-in-the-gut reaction in private; when soon-to-be EH's lawyer makes the same comment in deposition, you can channel your inner Gibbs, smile serenely, and respond calmly or hand over discovery that STBEH was counting on you not being prepared with that day.

                  See, STBEH has told his attorney where your buttons are, and how to push them; when you don't become a goobery pile of mush the first time he asked about the ponies, it serves two purposes: a) you become a much more formidable foe, and b) attorney now has to wonder how accurate STBEH actually is, 'cause he clearly missed the mark in a big ole way on this - what else is he exaggerating/fabricating? (Rule #16: If someone thinks they have the upper hand, break it.)

                  Get this book: http://www.amazon.com/Unbridled-Inju...dled+injustice. It is thiscloseto autobiographical for the author (names & details were changed), and highlights how incidents that have tons of context and backstory can be presented as a snapshot in time (without allowing the context or backstory) and make you look like a lunatic.

                  Divorce is ugly; it's the end of something that started out perfect and lovely, and somehow became twisted and dark. The only thing you can do is hold you head high, be as prepared as possible, and have good friends to catch you as you come out the other side.
                  "Let's face it -- Beezie Madden is NOT looking over her shoulder for me anytime
                  soon . . . or ever, even in her worst nightmares."


                  Member, Higher Standards Leather Care Addicts Anonymous

                  Comment


                  • ^^^^^ yup. If you want to get kicked while you're down...we all know who to ask.
                    Come to the dark side, we have cookies

                    Comment


                    • So sorry to hear this. Big hugs to both of you. I know you don't want to hear it, but I would put down the four. let them go. No one will care for them like you, so it is best they go while happy at home. I have heard of only 1-2 successful rehomings in a LOT of years. Way more often things go bad for the horse and previous owner was helpless, kicked themselves about it for years after.

                      None of our lifetime horses here, will be leaving us when something happens. They all go in the ground. Your horses have unfixable problems, not going to find happy places with those conditions. There is no suffering with a quick ending, so you NEVER have to say "I wish I had done stuff differently".

                      Maybe you can set things up when DD is at school, have things all cleaned up before she gets home. Local Swimming Pool guy here buries horses regularly. Probably one by you could dig the hole and put them in for you. Getting it done is one more load off your shoulders, done before bad weather is there.

                      I am so sorry to hear about this, but I am pulling for you, you will find the strength you need and DD will come thru stronger too.

                      Comment


                      • Ignoring the no-fault part of things I wonder if it would matter to the court that 2 of the 7 equines were purchased for the daughter, the pony with cancer and the appendix.

                        Plus the 33 year old foster OP doesn't technically own if she is fostering it. Which brings OP down to 4 horses the are "hers".

                        OP- I am sorry you are in this position. I believe your lawyer said to not do anything with the horses right now.
                        The only thing you might consider doing is continue to try to contact the rescue you are fostering the horse for just to give them a heads up that you may not be able to continue to foster the horse for them much longer. I would make sure you get a response of some kind so that you know they received the message.
                        The rescue may be able to shift him to another foster or they may need to authorize him to be euthanized if there is no alternative, even if you choose to not do that immediately. The rescue may be able to pay you something towards his upkeep and that may make it viable to keep him until his health dictates otherwise.
                        Oh, well, clearly you're not thoroughly indoctrinated to COTH yet, because finger pointing and drawing conclusions are the cornerstones of this great online community. (Tidy Rabbit)

                        Comment

                        • Original Poster

                          Sonny'sMom, thanks for the response. The fostered horse is taken care of - they will be taking care of her, as they don't want her to have to move. It's an excellent organization. The Appendix may go back to her previous owner, which will be a good home for her.

                          Provisional hearing is on the 5th.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by Trakehner View Post
                            Ahem, I guess I understand more than you...such a snarky insulting response...anyway, not all states are "no fault". No fault can mean "no adultery" and a lot of other causes aren't necessary to get a divorce...it doesn't mean that people's behaviour in the marriage isn't considered. The OP's husband can use the 7 horses as a way to show he was paying for an expensive hobby/hoarding situation. This could be done for all sorts of reasons, including equitable distribution of assets...and the horses, if purchased during the marriage, are property of both people...which could be used against the OP as emotional blackmail.
                            You're right, it was snarky of me. I should have refrained from posting it. I just felt the OP was being unfairly dumped on and expected that her new lawyer would have given her all the possible downsides.

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by Pennywell Bay View Post
                              ^^^^^ yup. If you want to get kicked while you're down...we all know who to ask.
                              If a lawyer tells you what's coming, it's not kicking anyone while they're down. Knowlege is the most valuable thing with what the OP has coming. Better to know what will be used against her so she can get her duckies in a row and hand them back most of their fingers in the court when they bring the horses up.

                              Divorce is ugly...had one, evil wife and her scum lawyer. My lawyer, a female, said she wanted to go to court just to "kick his ass", but that I couldn't afford it (I couldn't).

                              And...he was paying for the horses...there isn't his/hers money in a family. He will claim he was paying for necessities while you were paying for your horses/luxuries. Doesn't have to be true, it's a divorce, it will be an arrow in the legal quiver....you can't prepare unless you know what's coming. I'm being supportive, just not like a female suffering along with her...I'm explaining it like a male who's gone through it.

                              Good luck on the first hearing.
                              "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"

                              Comment


                              • I have to agree with Trakehner, and I'm speaking from personal first hand experience. A hobby that has been a source of not just acceptance, but joy & pride of a spouse's achievements, in a divorce can be/will be used as "proof" of being totally the opposite and a symbol of everything that's wrong with her, "no fault" notwithstanding.

                                Not saying at all this is the OP's situation or will happen to her. Just, like Trakehner, saying that being forewarned is being forearmed.

                                Comment


                                • Maybe her hubby had a hobby too...who knows. She can deal with that if and when it comes up.

                                  I wonder if caring for needy animals who one can't ride qualifies as a "hobby". Seems more like an act of humane kindness, and if hubby didn't want to go along with it, he didn't have to. Maybe he enjoyed looking at these non ride able horses or petting them. The daughter learned compassion and responsibility for caring for the horses, so there is that too.

                                  I hope her divorce is as civil as possible and wish her the best!

                                  Comment

                                  • Original Poster

                                    (edited)

                                    So far civil, but it still sucks.
                                    Last edited by hundredacres; Oct. 31, 2013, 08:41 PM.

                                    Comment


                                    • I can kind of see where Wendy is coming from, it ticks me off to see the CL ads "divorce/moving/new baby, etc. so old dog/kitty/horse have to go, and wind up dumped at the pound or local sale barn. But this isn't what the OP is doing. Her life circumstances have suddenly changed drastically. She has to downsize but she is trying to figure out how to do this with the best possible outcome for the horses and in some cases that may be euthansia. Its not like she's taking them to the local sale barn. I can sympathize because I'm facing the same type decisions with my inherited horses. All I can say is Hundredacres, you have my sympathy and Good Luck. Sounds like you've worked things out for the foster horse and I hope the appendix horse goes back to her owner.
                                      I'm a second hand Vegan. Cows eat grass. I eat cows.

                                      Comment


                                      • Originally posted by wireweiners View Post
                                        ...it ticks me off to see the CL ads "divorce/moving/new baby, etc. so old dog/kitty/horse have to go, and wind up dumped at the pound or local sale barn.
                                        These people deserve a special place in hell, especially when it's old dogs or cats...confused, scared and in shock, where's their family, when are they coming, I want to go home! Craig's list of "old horse need a forever home" are obscene. How about all those years the horse was there and EARNED a retirement. Too busy, too expensive....somebody else will love me old arthritic gelding with special feed needs...sure they will.

                                        It sounds like the OP is trying to do all she can in a bad situation...don't give up yet...just be prepared what's to come.
                                        "Sic Gorgiamus Allos Subjectatos Nunc"

                                        Comment

                                        • Original Poster

                                          Thanks Trak. I hear ya, believe me. I have my game face on.

                                          You're right, I'm doing all that I can for ALL of us (except my husband, he's on his own....well, he's not *rolls eyes*, but he's not getting my help or energy). We also have 3 large dogs, that are 13 years old - I hate that they don't understand where he is, but they're the last of his worries. Can you tell I'm moving in to the pissed off stage now?

                                          No worries, the dogs aren't going anywhere.
                                          Last edited by hundredacres; Oct. 25, 2013, 03:42 PM.

                                          Comment

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