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I need serious advice - divorce pending, reducing herd

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  • I seriously hope things are looking up for you and your daughter. Sending good vibes from here that you will have a good outcome for everything and come out the other side stronger, happy and healthy!
    If you love me let me go....


    • Original Poster

      Thank you, all. Stink, that's a great idea .....


      • I am sorry you are having to deal with this. My divorce was finalized earlier this year. Thankfully I was able to keep my horse and dog. I make a excellent income myself so I can provide a good life for them. However, if I was in your shoes..I would put down the ones that are special needs or advanced in age. You gave them a good life and they deserve to not be put in home where they won't do the same.

        Your daughter will understand and if she is moving into other directions she will adust. Your ex will still have to pay child support.
        Insignia MC - Spanish PRE mare
        Tuggy - RIP at the bridge (9/12/2016)
        Theodore the Boxer - RIP at the the bridge (10/5/2017)


        • When you do go to court for a hearing, do not show anger, do not interrupt, and do not argue. You can cry if you get upset, but you cannot show anger or other emotions or it will turn off the judge. You can, if the lawyer for your husband cuts you off, turn to the judge and ask if you can explain your answer. When you are being questioned, look at the person asking the question and when you answer, turn to the judge (or jury if it goes that far), and answer the question by looking directly at the person. Do not cross your arms. Do not glare at your husband or the lawyer. Don't shake your head when you hear lies from the other side. In fact, you cannot show emotion when the other side is lying, just look at the judge and write notes to your lawyer. But don't jump around and start talking to your lawyer while the other side is arguing or talking. Judges watch witnesses like a hawk. They are influenced by how your act and how you behave. Dress like you are going to church. Answer questions yes or no, if you can, and then explain your answer if you need to. Or say you cannot answer a question yes or no and then explain why. While most judges and jurors and lawyers are not students of psychology, they do react to the way you appear and the way you talk and your body language when you are in their presence, not just when you are testifying. Open up your arms and don't clinch them against your body. You can be demonstrative with your arms, but open up yourself to show that you are telling the truth. And always tell the truth. (Unknown to me and to everyone else but a few people, my judge had a "voice stress analyzer," installed by a fired FBI agent, under his bench and he looked at it when people were talking to him or testifying. No he shouldn't have had it. But it did turn him from a defense prone liberal to a hang-em-high judge. Pays to have parents who punished me more if I lied than for the crimes I committed as a kid.) Jurors and judges can sense stress and deception and fear even if they cannot understand why they get turned off by a lawyer or witness.

          Hopefully you can come out of this with some assets from the marriage. If your husband is in a pension fund, you are entitled to 1/2 of his pension per the U.S. Supremes. And maybe you can keep more horses than you think you can now, or even get some of them back that you have to rehome. Be ruthless in demanding assets from the marriage, and don't let your sense of fairness interfere. Your husband is playing hardball, and you have to play hardball too, to protect your daughter and yourself and your animals. In divorces, nice people finish last.


          • Original Poster

            Cloudy, excellent reminders. Your last line is my new mantra. THANK YOU.


            • Cloudy, I am printing that out for my daughter who is facing a nasty and painful custody trial next year. Not that she needs the coaching, because she is a class act, but the "other side" is especially vengeful and cruel.


              • Original Poster

                Originally posted by foundationmare View Post
                Cloudy, I am printing that out for my daughter who is facing a nasty and painful custody trial next year. Not that she needs the coaching, because she is a class act, but the "other side" is especially vengeful and cruel.
                Ugh, I'm so sorry for your daughter .


                • Foundation mare, I offer you the same advice I offer to others who need to know what court is all about. I will PM you and you can have your daughter contact me. It's all about psychology and telling the truth. A combination that your daughter can use to win custody.
                  Make sure she does NOT tell her kids anything bad about their father!!!!! And yes, I've spent a lot of time socially with judges, boating, dancing, meals, drinking, parties, etc., and I know how they think. And I have even had one friend whose husband tried to murder her, and did murder her friend in front of her, and I gave her the same advice. She won custody of course, although while I put her husband in jail for a minimum of 14 yrs, which is "life" in GA, his father tried to get custody of the kids. Fat chance! Your daughter has to be a virgin and a saint until the custody is decided, btw.


                  • Thank you cloudy. She takes the high road and we do not...do not!...ever say anything negative to the children. Never any info about the "difficult time" my 8 y.o. granddaughter referenced last weekend. Hmmmmmm.


                    • That's great advice, Cloudy. There has to be a special place in hell for these men who walk out on their families and destroy so many lives.


                      • Do not be lulled into complacency because your husband is "playing nice" right now. It may be a ploy by him or by his lawyer to get you to make concessions before they try to slam you. Do not let down your guard. Do not concede issues unless you get what you need to sustain yourself and your daughter and your horses. You do not want to be blindsided.


                        • Original Poster

                          Thanks Cloudy - all id quiet at the moment, so I'm on guard. I so appreciate your reminders and advice. It will get me through this. You have no idea how much help you've already been (and I may just take you up on your coaching advice yet!.....stay tuned!).

                          A really bad storm came through here last night and everyone I know but my husband -- my daughters father, called to see that we were okay. Thankfully we are, and my heart goes out to those who are cleaning up their lives today. I can't imagine that sort of trauma. Just a little perspective.


                          • Originally posted by hundredacres View Post
                            A really bad storm came through here last night and everyone I know but my husband -- my daughters father, called to see that we were okay. Thankfully we are, and my heart goes out to those who are cleaning up their lives today. I can't imagine that sort of trauma. Just a little perspective.
                            Glad you are safe! So scary.
                            It sounds like your daughter's father is not thinking with the big brain in his head that is on his shoulders right now.


                            • Originally posted by hundredacres View Post
                              A really bad storm came through here last night and everyone I know but my husband -- my daughters father, called to see that we were okay. Thankfully we are, and my heart goes out to those who are cleaning up their lives today. I can't imagine that sort of trauma. Just a little perspective.
                              What a winner...

                              Hoping the years of nonsense get behind you sooner than later, although I also know how it can drag out. Was always the reasonable one trying to hash out logistics without involving others. My attorney was constantly yelling at me, "Don't talk to him!" Even about visitation times that he would be constantly late for. Lawyer told me to be gone if he didn't show up as planned - his problem. It worked. XDH & I would start out civilly before he'd pull his stunts, so I kept "trying". Smack upside the head. My attorney was RIGHT.

                              The minute I stopped every conversation about every minute thing, and told him to have his attorney talk to my attorney, was the beginning of getting my sanity back.

                              And lucky for me, even after son's time spent as a young adult with errant father, I'm the one DS calls to talk to. Lives with XDH for location - now moving out ASAP. DS called me yesterday - after his first day at his new job, "Mom - you're the one I put down as 'emergency contact', ok?"

                              Just to show you that down the road, you get these little victories.
                              But he thought, "This procession has got to go on." So he walked more proudly than ever, as his noblemen held high the train that wasn't there at all. H.C.Anderson


                              • Originally posted by hundredacres View Post
                                A really bad storm came through here last night and everyone I know but my husband -- my daughters father, called to see that we were okay . . . . . Just a little perspective.
                                WTF? I texted a friend-that-I've-been-distancing-myself-from in central Illinois to make sure she was ok (thankfully, yes) and posted that update on her FB wall to reassure several friends who checked in and weren't getting a reply from her.

                                It's just the decent thing to do, bless his wee little pea-pickin' heart.
                                "Let's face it -- Beezie Madden is NOT looking over her shoulder for me anytime
                                soon . . . or ever, even in her worst nightmares."

                                Member, Higher Standards Leather Care Addicts Anonymous


                                • There's a special place in hell for this d bag. HA, you're straight class and you'll get through this. {{{hugs}}} and jingles for you, your DD, and all the horses. There can be no doubt you'll do the best thing possible for them, and we'll be here whenever you need us.
                                  Holy crap, how does Darwin keep missing you? ~Lauruffian


                                  • Original Poster

                                    CVPeg, I haven't spoke to him in over a month now. I believe this is why I am saner than expected. I don't care if I ever hear his voice again.

                                    I really love you guys. There could be a day when lose it -- but I know you will all understand. You are the greatest cyber/horse friends .


                                    • Anne FS directed me to this thread....would you believe it's the first time I've come to the Off Course forum?

                                      Nothing really to add....sounds like the OP is making excellent progress re-homing most of the horse....great! It IS a tough decision, but having given or leased horses away to what I THOUGHT were great, permanent homes, only to have the animal sold or kept badly...I can totally understand wanting to control their outcome.

                                      I'm not sure animals understand Death, but they DEFINITELY understand misery, hunger and abuse.

                                      Meanwhile, I just want to say to HA: "Keep your chin up! Life can be such a bitch at times...but you WILL get through it..."

                                      Take care and I wish you well.


                                      • hundredacres, just checking in to say I am thinking about you. The 4 year anniversary of my leaving the abuse - and my farm - is a week away. Life is different for me now, but good. I am blessed. Looking back I cannot imagine the person I am now living like i did then. Just know that however bad it gets, it will pass. You will rise above it all and be happy. Hang in there and message me if you need to vent.
                                        Little Star Chihuahua Rescue
                                        The Barkalicious Bakery
                                        On Facebook!!!


                                        • Original Poster

                                          moonriver, I will drink a toast to your anniversary. Thank you for the reminder that I will soon be looking back at all of this. It honestly can't be over with quickly enough. When it's all done, I swear I want to have a party .