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Seeking advice from other widows UPDATE Post 42

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  • #61
    My sympathies for your loss.

    One piece of advice I got when I was between jobs and very low on cash and not sure what I was doing with myself... a friend said to me, "You have never NOT supported yourself. You have never failed yourself or your horses. Go forward knowing that... you will find a solution, you always have before."

    She was right. When I was backed into a corner I was resourceful, I just hadn't needed to tap that resourcefulness lately because I was used to the security of my present situation. I found some part-time and one-off jobs that got me by one week at a time. And I found that when I did ask for help (which was difficult, at one point I was down to my last $17), people stepped up, way more than I had thought possible.

    You never know what kind of obsessive compulsive crazy person you are until another person imitates your behaviour at a three-day. --Gry2Yng


    • #62
      While the small town, rural areas of the south still carry on the traditions of helping neighbors in need, the larger urbanized areas have mostly lost those traditions. It would appear that the OP is in one of the urban areas. Your friend may not have realized how dire your financial straits area, your neighbor is just a bitch. Did the real estate agent tell you how much you could get for the house as a tear down? Is it enough to pay the equity loan and maybe give you enough to live on for a while? Are you getting any Social Security widow's benefits? What kind of work do you do? Is it something that you could find a job in another area? It doesn't sound like you have a lot of ties to the community so maybe moving somewhere else and starting over would be the thing to do. Maybe pick a place you'd like to live and then research the job market, cost of living, etc. to see if its feasible. Anyway, you have my sympathies and I wish you luck.
      I'm a second hand Vegan. Cows eat grass. I eat cows.


      • #63
        Even the larger urban areas have warmhearted people. BUT, they will most likely keep to themselves more. But, I bet if you swallowed your pride and asked for some help you'd be pleasantly surprised. Have you gone to any of your local chirches and talled to the minister and asked for help? I know it's hard, but you really DO have to ask. They're not mind readers.
        In an age when scientists are creating artificial intelligence, too many of our educational institutions seem to be creating artificial stupidity.—Thomas Sowell, Is Thinking Obsolete?


        • #64
          Originally posted by cloudyandcallie View Post
          Southerns help others out. But they need to know that you want help. Had you told your neighbor that you couldn't afford the $ at the neighborhood event, someone would have covered your donation, if she/he was a southerner.

          What planet do you live on??.....Because I want to live on it!

          When my husband died a year ago, I got a week or so of meals, and tons of promises from folks willing to watch my kids, but no one ever did. Now, a year has passed, and everyone's lives have moved on, except for mine.

          I personally would not make ANY major decisions until you feel more stable. Go to counciling, find a support Group (www.griefshare.org) is wonderful - do what you have to do to continue moving forward in the grief process. I know this sucks right now, and I wish I could tell you that it gets better. It does get easier, but you will never be the same. Actually I think going into this second year has been harder then the first.

          Send an email to: http://thelizlogelinfoundation.org/ with your name and address, and they will send you a great Grief Packet.

          FWIW, C&C - Self Inflicted doesn't always mean suicide. My husband die of a drug over dose. It was self inflicted, but accidental.

          OP, PM me any time. (((hugs))))
          The Equine Wellness and Nutrition FB Group - Come join us!!


          • #65
            OP, how are you doing?
            "Let's face it -- Beezie Madden is NOT looking over her shoulder for me anytime
            soon . . . or ever, even in her worst nightmares."

            Member, Higher Standards Leather Care Addicts Anonymous


            • #66
              sorry to hear about your problems.
              perhaps we are so far removed from the cities or maybe our families are old and intertwined here but the help for us comes any time we ask and many times when we do not...

              even today again a man stopped who had not been here and heard since before that terrible time (almost 14mos)to see if we had need of anything and to say how sorry he was

              there is just a dark place you will be for while.all the money in the world will not lift you out until it is time.

              Production Acres,Pro A Welsh Cobs
              I am one of the last 210,000 remaining full time farmers in America.We feed the others.


              • #67
                Oh FD - I suspected the circumstances when I read your initial post. My heart goes out to you. If you are intent on 'getting out of Dodge', I would talk to a realtor (get references; find one with a good reputation) and get a serious estimate of what the house would be worth as is. If it's more than the mortgage, at least you won't have that bill hanging over your head.

                I don't think people at work or casual friends have erased him. My sister feels similarly - one of her sons died under similar circumstances a few years ago (although not at home). I think that people just don't know what to say/how to respond. It's hard enough to console someone - extraneous circumstances make it even more uncomfortable. But if you ask, I just KNOW folks will help. Even up here in NY they would!

                Don't feel that you have to make permanent plans - once out of the house, you could 'float' for a bit to decide exactly where you want to spend the next phase of your life. Perhaps somewhere not even close to where you & he were contemplating. Then it would be totally 'yours'.

                God bless - hugs and best wishes to you...
                Equine Photography in the Northeast