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Seeking advice from other widows UPDATE Post 42

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  • #41
    lawndart, just keep being there for widow friends. Be willing to talk about it- especially after no one else wants to anymore. About a year after my first husband died, I had the distinct impression that my friends no longer wanted to hear anything about my grief. When in fact, as several others have said- it is just when the reality of it started to hit home. It was as if they felt- alright already, get over it. Several intentionally cut me off completely. I even felt betrayed when my oldest (>35 years) and closest friend cut me off completely. It is only now, after several years, that she is resurfacing and has explained herself saying that her own anxiety was roused by my problems and she just couldn't deal with it. I have forgiven her but it still hurts.

    Other folks surfaced out of the woodwork and shocked me with how caring they could be about a total or relative stranger. I had a 5 month old and a 23 month old at the time, and my closest family was 5 hours drive away.

    FatDinah, I am so sorry for your loss. Do what is right for you. I had to remodel my home at the time and I am glad I did. My husband also did not leave insurance as he didn't believe in it; he and I had been arguing about it as he engaged in high risk sports which is what eventually killed him (drowned kayaking). I became a member of young widows dot org, which has a special SOS (Survivors of suicide) section for folks who are victims of suicide left behind. I found it very helpful, and over the years was able to let go and attend the board less and less. Now I am remarried (my first husband died in 2006) and very grateful to have gotten through it intact. Best wishes for your healing.

    Comment

    • Original Poster

      #42
      Update (sorry, bad stuff)
      Took the advice of having a real estate agent look at house. She says it is strictly a teardown property and no use to spend any money on it. In my neighborhood, nice older ranch homes routinely get demolished for million-dollar-plus rebuilds so it is not a big surprise.
      A neighbor invited me to a get-together Saturday evening and offered to drive. When we got there, I found out I was expected to "donate" at least $25 as it was a fundraiser for a environmental cause. My monthly food budget is $50. I walked home two miles, humiliated, in tears.
      Sunday morning, the only day I get to sleep in because I feed and clean stalls Mon-Sat. am and pm to help pay for horse board, I got a knock on the door at 7 am. A landscaping crew was there to cut my grass - for $150. The neighbor across the street had called them. When I said no thanks, the crew went over to her. She came over and told me they were having an open house as their house is for sale and my yard was not up to the neighborhood standards. (I hadn't mowed it since last weekend) I started mowing ASAP and managed to get it done by 7 p.m. but she threatens to report me to Codes and the HOA.
      Folks, forget the Hallmark TV world you guys must live in: No neighborhood kids are going to mow my lawn, no nice church guys are going to install a new water heater, "friends" and co-workers sent flowers and cards and got back to their lives.

      Comment


      • #43
        I'm so very sorry you are going through this.

        Keep going. I wouldn't have mowed for that crappy neighbor, though. If they're having an open house, let them do the mowing. What jerks for knowing your situation and harassing you on top of it. A pox upon them.

        I can't comprehend ever living where there's a HOA, but that's me. Townships have codes, too, though, so that I can understand.

        I have a friend who lost their only child (age 19) to a self-inflicted death. They lived in a home that had been in the family for generations, but they moved out within several months to a new home in the same city. It was the best thing they could've done. They had enough to deal with without the crushing memories of that location, so I understand and support you in your desire to change locations, even if far, far away. Only you know what's best for you. When I made a new start (not physical death-related, but emotional death for me) I moved 700 miles away to a new state and a new part of the country. Best thing I ever did.

        There are also many groups offering bereavement support for those whose spouse committed suicide. A Google search will show them; if you can find one near you perhaps they can give you both emotional support and maybe even a one-time direct 'mowing' or other work support as well.

        You did right to walk home from the $25 gouging. Don't feel bad about that. It's hard for most people to understand that $25 is a make or break for some of us - they don't believe it. You know and I know differently.

        I'm with you: my experience of the world doesn't have Hallmark moments but I'm still here and happy. You will be, too. {{{HUGS}}}

        Comment


        • #44
          I'm sorry.
          The people doing the tear-downs and building the million$ homes still have to buy the house they want to tear down. In the straits you're in, selling (even if at a loss) might still be the best option. And if the mortgage is underwater, bankruptcy might be what you need to do. Continuing the status quo doesn't seem healthy. And if I went the bankruptcy route, I'd probably let the lawn get so overgrown that the asshat neighbor would need a machete to come talk to me. Just to spite them.

          Comment


          • #45
            Originally posted by FatDinah View Post
            Update (sorry, bad stuff)
            Took the advice of having a real estate agent look at house. She says it is strictly a teardown property and no use to spend any money on it. In my neighborhood, nice older ranch homes routinely get demolished for million-dollar-plus rebuilds so it is not a big surprise.
            A neighbor invited me to a get-together Saturday evening and offered to drive. When we got there, I found out I was expected to "donate" at least $25 as it was a fundraiser for a environmental cause. My monthly food budget is $50. I walked home two miles, humiliated, in tears.
            Sunday morning, the only day I get to sleep in because I feed and clean stalls Mon-Sat. am and pm to help pay for horse board, I got a knock on the door at 7 am. A landscaping crew was there to cut my grass - for $150. The neighbor across the street had called them. When I said no thanks, the crew went over to her. She came over and told me they were having an open house as their house is for sale and my yard was not up to the neighborhood standards. (I hadn't mowed it since last weekend) I started mowing ASAP and managed to get it done by 7 p.m. but she threatens to report me to Codes and the HOA.
            Folks, forget the Hallmark TV world you guys must live in: No neighborhood kids are going to mow my lawn, no nice church guys are going to install a new water heater, "friends" and co-workers sent flowers and cards and got back to their lives.
            I am so very, very sorry. I'll say one thing about my neighbors, we help each other. If you lived here, we would be taking turns mowing your yard and we would still be bringing you meals. Some people just suck.

            Comment

            • Original Poster

              #46
              Letting the lawn grow to spite the nbr will just mean a letter with a $50 or more fine and a court appearance.
              If I were to sell the house, where would I go? Folks, I make minimum wage, my take home pay is $211 a week. Bankruptcy won;t help, I have no debts except a home equity on the house (for the remodel).
              And barn owner just texted me news that I screwed up by letting chickens out of the coop and her dog got one. I have to hope she'll let me keep working off some of my board. I've already sold a saddle and other tack to raise cash.
              One of my options is to enuthanize my horses (1 is 36 and 1 is 21). I think I am getting close to that.
              As far as joining bereavement groups, when? With my job and farm work, I work from 5:30 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. every day except Sunday. I have to mow that day.
              I hate to sound so nasty and bitter to yr suggestions. I used to be a happy, positive, optimistic person and now every morning I wish I never woke up again.

              Comment


              • #47
                First of all, I am so very sorry about what you are going through. Sometimes life seems breathtakingly unfair.

                Are you sure there was not a small life insurance policy attached to your husband's health insurance at work? I administer insurance for our small company. Often, coverages (especially dental) are sold as package deals along with life, short term disability, and accidental death and dismemberment. So if he had one coverage, fe had them all. Sometimes, you just have to ask.

                After my brother died, I got a sympathy card from an investment broker. Didn't understand why, because I barely knew him. Turns out my brother had invested part of his retirement, of which I was the beneficiary, with this guy. He never called me to tell me that I had this account coming to me. After three months, I finally figured it out and called him. He said he "thought" he had enclosed a note with the card. So he administered this account and collected his fees for 3 months. I think a simple phone call would have been in order. So, again, sometimes you have to just ask.

                I would not pay too much attention to the nasty neighbor's threats. Besides being totally heartless, they are probably untrue. Read your HOA covenants. It is pretty unusual to enforce weekly lawn mowing. Maybe monthly. Heck, I only mow my lawn every 10 days or so even in summer.

                And people who invite you to social functions only to solicitate "donations"? Totally worthless creeps. Remember, donations are voluntary.
                "I swear it happened just like this" - Leonard Cohen

                Comment


                • #48
                  Condolences to you!

                  I am in the same situation as you are, except I am only 30 and it was a freak accident, not a suicide.

                  I also have 2 elderly horses and a limited budget.
                  People say not to do anything major for a year, but you can't let yourself go into a financial mess. You really need to go into survivor mode and be strong.
                  Sell the house, even as a tear down.
                  Get a second job.
                  Remember-horses live for today. At their age, it's highly unlikely to find them a good home. If they are financially too much for you, putting them down is better then having them end up on the meat truck.


                  You mentioned that people in your neighborhood tear down old houses and build million dollar homes, so I would think you could sell your property for at least enough to buy a small home with a couple acres for your horses...something easy to maintain and possibly get a roommate to help cover costs.

                  Comment


                  • #49
                    OP, can you put the house on the market "as is" and then get the hell out of Dodge? You need to look into the ACA health exchange, you may qualify for almost free insurance, among other things. Let us know where you are...some of us may be able to help.

                    Comment


                    • #50
                      Gah, I'm sorry OP. People suck and never cease to amaze me with their TOTAL lack of empathy, sympathy, understanding, and just plain old common sense.
                      Barn rat for life

                      Comment


                      • #51
                        OK, I don't know anywhere in the South where southern-born neighbors do not help other neighbors. So I would hope that OP would ask her neighbors for help.

                        When a death is "self-inflicted," (does this mean suicide?), people do not know how to react, as some religions deem suicide a sin. I had a close friend who committed suicide in Atlanta and while I knew he was going to do it, there was still a lot of conflict and confusion when he did it after 6 months of telling us that he would. So you, OP, must go to people and ask for help. They do not know what to do when someone commits suicide and a spouse is left to carry on.

                        And, since you had planned to sell the house next year and to move on to another job, I'd do it now. Sell it, let it go as a teardown, and take your horses and move away. I presume you planned to take your horses next year. If you planned to put them down next year, then do it now. You're just moving up the change from 2014 to 2013 due to the death of your spouse.

                        Southerns help others out. But they need to know that you want help. Had you told your neighbor that you couldn't afford the $ at the neighborhood event, someone would have covered your donation, if she/he was a southerner.

                        Comment


                        • #52
                          If you decide to move, consider a small town. That's where everyone knows everyone else and helps out. It sounds to me like you are in suburban purgatory!

                          Things WILL get better, but it may take some time to get there. Definitely get some support!! Could you make half an hour to go online with one of the groups others have mentioned?

                          And, only surround yourself with people who are good, and who will be there for you. That neighbor should have turned right around and driven you back home, I cannot believe she let you walk home. That's someone I'd cut right out of my life! You will meet new people. Just make sure they pass the "will they be there for me when I need them" test.

                          Sending thoughts for strength in this rough time!
                          https://www.facebook.com/SugarMapleFarm
                          Follow us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/peonyvodka/
                          www.PeonyVodka.com

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                          • #53
                            OK, wait. You haven't told us what area of the country you are in. Would you? I'm sure people on this board will want to help. I know I for one would like to.
                            https://www.facebook.com/SugarMapleFarm
                            Follow us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/peonyvodka/
                            www.PeonyVodka.com

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                            • #54
                              I am so sorry for your loss and the situation you are in.

                              Originally posted by FatDinah View Post
                              Folks, forget the Hallmark TV world you guys must live in: No neighborhood kids are going to mow my lawn, no nice church guys are going to install a new water heater, "friends" and co-workers sent flowers and cards and got back to their lives.
                              I think most of the time people do not know what to do so avoiding is easier than trying to figure your way thru an uncomfortable situation.

                              There are times that asking a friend for help is OK. This is one of them. Even if it is just someone to sit and listen while you talk about stuff.

                              Pick a person, any person who was willing to send a card or flowers, call them and tell them you need someone to listen and be your friend.

                              Comment


                              • #55
                                echoing what the others have said (I, too would not have mowed the grass at that time. What can they do to you, that turnip won't squirt water, forget about blood! Maybe start cutting at 6AM next Sunday!)

                                Many hugs and jingles to you. I know if you were in my neck of the woods, I'd find people to help you out, some boys to cut grass etc...
                                (I had a neighbor complain at 9AM about my messy carport - which it was - I told her, not in so many words, to go kayaking...)

                                Comment


                                • #56
                                  Originally posted by FatDinah View Post
                                  I dislike the area - very conservative Southern city, awful traffic, expensive.
                                  Originally posted by cloudyandcallie View Post
                                  OK, I don't know anywhere in the South where southern-born neighbors do not help other neighbors.


                                  Southerns help others out.

                                  someone would have covered your donation, if she/he was a southerner.
                                  C&C -- It seems odd that you are harping on this "southern" idea of yours when the OP made it clear in her very first post that she is in the south. Evidently, it's NOT all sunshine and roses JUST because it's the south. Stereotype much?

                                  OP -- If you don't have time for a second job, is there any possibility of a home-based business that you could do? Maybe one that you could turn into a full-time business eventually? Perhaps a service such as dog-walking (depending on your current work schedule) or tutoring? Could you sell fresh eggs from your chickens, veggies from your garden, homemade jams, holiday wreaths, or handmade decorations at a farmers' market or a table at the end of your driveway once or twice a week?

                                  Best wishes and keep us posted. Your neighbors sound like nightmares. If I were you, I'd definitely plan to move as soon as practical. Think about where you'd LIKE to live and start planning.

                                  Comment

                                  • Original Poster

                                    #57
                                    Iam goign to end/exit this post. It was a mistake. It has just become my pity party.
                                    You are all so lovely. Find somebody you know and help them because I bet there are some silent sufferers there, too.

                                    Comment


                                    • #58
                                      Originally posted by FatDinah View Post
                                      Iam goign to end/exit this post. It was a mistake. It has just become my pity party.
                                      You are all so lovely. Find somebody you know and help them because I bet there are some silent sufferers there, too.
                                      FatDinah - it's OK - everyone needs a pity party now and again. I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my DH 14 months ago - I'm still devastated - I take one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other - keep calm and trot on. I have no choice - I have a DD depending on me. Just know that you are not alone and that many others share in your sorrow.
                                      http://fromdressagehorsetocowpony.blogspot.com/

                                      "I am still under the impression that there is nothing alive quite so beautiful as a thoroughbred horse." -- John Galsworthy

                                      Comment


                                      • #59
                                        Sorry for your loss - and it's okay to have a pity party.
                                        That said, you should heed the advice given and put the house on the market TODAY.
                                        Where will you go?
                                        Since you appear to have a minimum wage job - basically anywhere!
                                        Those are not difficult to find.
                                        The environment you are in seems very toxic and you have no ties in the communities. Rent/buy an RV with the money you get from the house and hit the road.
                                        I am sure this proposition seems impossible from where you are sitting but I hope you make something similar work out for your own sanity.
                                        "When life gives you scurvy, make lemonade."

                                        Comment


                                        • #60
                                          I think that you need to see a doctor for depression and I hope that by being very blunt here it will knock you into seeking help. It is very easy after the death of someone close to get into a cycle of "everything is wrong and never going to be right again" then you refuse to see anything good about anything and only focus on the negative. Some people punish themselves for surviving or "not preventing it" by wallowing in guilt and focusing on how bad life is because they think they don't deserve to be happy after not seeing something before it happened, or not doing enough, or failing to be a good enough wife and I see that in a lot of your posts

                                          IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

                                          This blog post is a very good explanation of depression and perhaps reading it will help you get help.

                                          http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co...-part-two.html

                                          I don't know what is going on with your neighbor but NOBODY charges $150 to mow a lawn and grass cut a week ago should not need mowed. It takes you 12 hours to mow?

                                          You should not have had to walk him 2 miles in the rain after being invited to dinner, did you ask your neighbor to take you home after you found out you couldn't afford the donation? I can't see someone telling you they couldn't take 4 minutes to drive you home after they made a mistake and you didn't have the money.

                                          Has your barn manager actually threatened to evict you because you let a chicken loose?

                                          There are people on this BB that have offered you help. Are still offering you help. You should take it.
                                          http://weanieeventer.blogspot.com/

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