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Seeking advice from other widows UPDATE Post 42

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  • #21
    I have no advice, or really anything to offer except (((HUGS))). Do let us know where you are so hopefully some kind COTHers can help you.
    "A horse gallops with his lungs, perseveres with his heart, and wins with his character." - Tesio

    Comment


    • #22
      I just wanted to add some advice on the reno thoughts.
      While HD and Lowes do have some good clearance deals, you might also have luck with architectural salvage places, Habitat for Humanity ReStore being one, and there may be others in your area.
      You might also have luck contacting H4H and asking if there's a contractor or other handyman working a job that would have time to help you out as well at a reasonable price.

      I'm so sorry for your loss.
      Yo/Yousolong April 23rd, 1985- April 15th, 2014

      http://notesfromadogwalker.com/2012/...m-a-sanctuary/

      Comment


      • #23
        Seriously, i know it's hard to ask for help, but do ask your neighbors and the nearest church (whether you're a congregant there or not) if they know anyone who could help you finish the reno's. Just like many of us here are saying we'd come over to help, I am certain that among your neighbors and within the church, SOMEone knows someone who's handy, has a little time to spare, and who would help you. Buy economy-priced fixtures (lamps sinks, etc) and with donated labor, you can get those rooms patched up quickly and cheaply. And someone surely has a kid that will mow your lawn. When my husband was a kid, he mowed an elderly neighbor's yard without being asked to. Kids have generous hearts too.

        I understand the "wait a year" advice because grief could impair your ability to make the best choices. But the thing I worry about is that without help, with tight or perhaps insufficient finances, no insurance, etc, there's a risk that the house/property goes into a state of serious decline. The only real purpose of this house (it seems) is that it's a financial asset. There's no love for it (before and certainly not now), no families ties to it, etc. May not hurt to convert that property into a liquid asset, if a year's delay is likely to reduce its value by a lot.

        So I agree with another poster who suggested meeting with a realtor to see what you could get out of the house right now, as-is. Perhaps it'll be enough to pay off the existing mortgage and start a nest egg, and then go rent a small little apt for a year, somewhere that you could keep your current job, but you'd have no property or house maintenance to worry about. And then maybe delay decisions about changing jobs, moving away, etc until the fog lifts.

        Do talk to a financial advisor to make sure you understand your tax implications if you do sell.

        Finally, here is a list of government benefits and assistance programs by state-- for instance, look into getting help weatherizing your house, which can drastically reduce your heating costs and take a little pressure off.

        Wish I were closer to help-- I know that people throwing a laundry list of Things To DO at you is probably overwhelming and maybe not what you need.

        Comment


        • #24
          I'm sorry for your loss OP. It is very hard to deal with when it feels like something preventable - as opposed to cancer, heart attack etc...I know from experience you spend a lot of time wit the what-if's. My heart is with you.

          Comment


          • #25
            I never know what the right decision is, but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I lost my fiance of 7 years a couple years ago. I know how devastating, undescribable, and soul-shattering the pain is.

            It is important to try not to make any major decisions when you are very depressed. I suffer from clinical depression anyway so I know how messed up my brain can be under the "influence." Talk to people, anyone, when you get the opportunity.

            A giant hug to you, life can deal some really crappy cards. To add a little bit of positive, even though the deep wound has changed me, now there are good things creeping back into my life. I had forgotten what that feels like, had lost my smile. It can come back though, even after sinking so far down, I thought I would never escape.

            Hugs.
            Life doesn't have perfect footing.

            Bloggily entertain yourself with our adventures (and disasters):
            We Are Flying Solo

            Comment


            • #26
              Originally posted by HungarianHippo View Post
              Seriously, i know it's hard to ask for help, but do ask your neighbors and the nearest church (whether you're a congregant there or not) if they know anyone who could help you finish the reno's. Just like many of us here are saying we'd come over to help, I am certain that among your neighbors and within the church, SOMEone knows someone who's handy, has a little time to spare, and who would help you. Buy economy-priced fixtures (lamps sinks, etc) and with donated labor, you can get those rooms patched up quickly and cheaply. And someone surely has a kid that will mow your lawn. When my husband was a kid, he mowed an elderly neighbor's yard without being asked to. Kids have generous hearts too.

              I understand the "wait a year" advice because grief could impair your ability to make the best choices. But the thing I worry about is that without help, with tight or perhaps insufficient finances, no insurance, etc, there's a risk that the house/property goes into a state of serious decline. The only real purpose of this house (it seems) is that it's a financial asset. There's no love for it (before and certainly not now), no families ties to it, etc. May not hurt to convert that property into a liquid asset, if a year's delay is likely to reduce its value by a lot.

              So I agree with another poster who suggested meeting with a realtor to see what you could get out of the house right now, as-is. Perhaps it'll be enough to pay off the existing mortgage and start a nest egg, and then go rent a small little apt for a year, somewhere that you could keep your current job, but you'd have no property or house maintenance to worry about. And then maybe delay decisions about changing jobs, moving away, etc until the fog lifts.

              Do talk to a financial advisor to make sure you understand your tax implications if you do sell.

              Finally, here is a list of government benefits and assistance programs by state-- for instance, look into getting help weatherizing your house, which can drastically reduce your heating costs and take a little pressure off.

              Wish I were closer to help-- I know that people throwing a laundry list of Things To DO at you is probably overwhelming and maybe not what you need.
              Just a thought, in case no one has mentioned this yet. I also don't know if you still have a mortgage. Have you considered fixing your house up as cheaply as possible and renting it out? You could use the rental income to pay the mortgage or help pay your rent where ever you choose to live. Possibly you could even find a renter that would accept a discounted rent in exchange for doing the labor needed to make it sellable. This may be a way to get out sooner without having to make a permanent decision.

              Comment


              • #27
                OP, I've ordered this book for you. I didn't want to intrude by asking for your address, so the seller is just going to hold the book until you email her at ttp5m0yr1fnvsrl@marketplace.amazon.com. Just provide this order #108-3845454-3182625 and your shipping address, and it'll be on its way.
                Hope it's helpful.

                Comment


                • #28
                  so sorry...hope you can continue seeing a therapist. Only you can weigh the pluses and minuses of making changes. Only time will help let you get used to the loss...not sure you ever 'get over it'.

                  But things do get better in time. Hang in there and do what is right for you (with the help of the therapist to look at all the angles). There are no SHOULDS only suggestions and everyone is different and every situation is different.

                  Comment

                  • Original Poster

                    #29
                    Wow, HH, I am stunned.
                    I appreciate all the practical advice. But that's not the real issue. I can figure out the house and insurance and money if I can get on a path or see a path for the future. The path I had vanished. That's what I was hoping for - advice/perspective/anecdotes on how you start over from scratch.
                    Do I stay in my present job field and recommit to that career for a more challenging, better paying job? Do I chuck a career and go work tables at Yellowstone next spring? Do I stay where it is familiar and find new human connections? Is it easier to move somewhere new and do that and what sort of place might be good?
                    Those questions do include horses, that's why I came here. I do feel strongly that I want to be in a horse community/lifestyle and there may be a better alternative than where I am (FYI: my house is on almost 3 acres but it is in a upscale urban suburb so horses aren't allowed, I board: I have all the upkeep of property but none of the cost savings of having horses at home).
                    I get told that all the time - don't do anything for a year. But where I am is not helping financially or emotionally so I feel compelled to DO SOMETHING. But is that legitimate or panic at being alone in all decisions now.
                    Again, thanks for the caring and advice. But I wanted to clarify a bit.

                    Comment


                    • #30
                      Originally posted by FatDinah View Post
                      I get told that all the time - don't do anything for a year. But where I am is not helping financially or emotionally so I feel compelled to DO SOMETHING. But is that legitimate or panic at being alone in all decisions now.
                      Again, thanks for the caring and advice. But I wanted to clarify a bit.
                      I know that you feel the need to move - in a way, it's like when an animal is in pain and it keeps trying to move away from the pain. But you can't heal your emotional pain by throwing everything into a tornado and hoping to land upright with a great new life. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.

                      You may need to move, a new job might be a great idea. But making these decisions right now is like signing a contract when you're on painkillers - you're not in a mental state to make a life-changing commitment.

                      Don't feel like you can't ask for help. Look at SunkenAlter - she was embarrassed and afraid to ask for the help she needed, but by just letting people know, she's (hopefully) on her way out of the pit she was in.

                      I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you work through the pain.

                      StG

                      Comment


                      • #31
                        Originally posted by lawndart View Post
                        OK, all you Widows, help me out please. Not to take away from this thread at ALL, but I never know the right thing to do when someones spouse passes away, especially suddenly.
                        Your own last sentence said it best "consider yourself hugged".
                        Whatever your gut tells you to say or do is Right.

                        The grieving are the same people we were before loss, so don't spend a second wondering if your way of expressing sympathy is correct.
                        There is no PC Rule, just let your friend know you are there for them.

                        The old tradition of bringing food says it well - grief still needs to eat.
                        And shop for groceries, and clean house and care for family.
                        An offer to do any of this will be appreciated.
                        Or just do it, whatever "it" is, and let them know you are available to do more.
                        *friend of bar.ka*RIP all my lovely boys, gone too soon:
                        Steppin' Out 1988-2004
                        Hey Vern! 1982-2009, Cash's Bay Threat 1994-2009
                        Sam(Jaybee Altair) 1994-2015

                        Comment


                        • #32
                          Originally posted by StGermain View Post
                          You may need to move, a new job might be a great idea. But making these decisions right now is like signing a contract when you're on painkillers - you're not in a mental state to make a life-changing commitment.
                          OP is in a bit of a different situation in that they had already made a decision to make a big move so for her staying put may not be the right choice. Already mentally prepared for change and preparing to do it is different than doing something out of pain. She has a lot to think about.

                          Comment

                          • Original Poster

                            #33
                            In my case, I wish people would speak of him, either remembering good times or discussing what has happened. It hurts a lot worse to feel like the only one missing him or remembering him.
                            And be sincere. Don't ask "How are you doing" unless you are prepared for an honest answer. So many people say that and you can tell they want to hear, "Oh, I'm doing fine."

                            Comment


                            • #34
                              I understand that you feel like everyone in your life has written your husband off but that just isn't true. It's possible they don't want to upset you by bringing up memories of your husband especially given the way you lost him. Sudden loss in that manner is horribly traumatic to the people left behind and it's hard to know how to help those people. It's also hard trying to help people who feel isolated and alone due to a death because sometimes when you try to help them they push you away because they think they deserve to feel isolated and alone so while they push they also complain they are alone. People handle loss and grief in many different ways and it's important to not judge how people handle it.

                              Can I ask why your water heater can't be fixed? Do you lack the money to do so? Do you feel like you don't deserve hot water or that fixing your house would be "moving on" and you don't want to move on right now?

                              Right now your house isn't sellable or you will lose quite a bit of money with the repairs that have not been done so your best bet is to stay in the home until renovations are complete and make your decision then. You could be done in as little as a month which would give you more time to make the right choices.
                              http://weanieeventer.blogspot.com/

                              Comment


                              • #35
                                Originally posted by lawndart View Post
                                OK, all you Widows, help me out please. Not to take away from this thread at ALL, but I never know the right thing to do when someones spouse passes away, especially suddenly.

                                Yeah, I know the whole funeral ritual, I'm talking after. Do you want me to mention your loved one, or not? Should I wait for you to mention them? I'm not trying to erase their existance, I'm waiting for cues from you how to handle this. If it is too painful, I don't want to bring it up, but I want you to be able to come to me and talk as much as you like, if it would help. How do I convey that to you without hurting you?

                                OP hang in there, I think the overwhelming feeling right now will pass, and it will get a little easier to see where you should go into the future. While therapy will help, I sometimes think just a warm hug is equally comforting. So consider yourself Hugged!

                                The love doesn't die. Yes, we want to talk about them, we may cry or laugh, please cry and laugh with us. They may be physically gone, but are still and always a huge part of our lives. The last thimg we want is for people to act as though they never existed. They are a part of who we are. They are loved and we still want to share that love with everyone whose life they may have touched.
                                In an age when scientists are creating artificial intelligence, too many of our educational institutions seem to be creating artificial stupidity.—Thomas Sowell, Is Thinking Obsolete?

                                Comment


                                • #36
                                  Condolences FD.

                                  While I have not personally lost a spouse, my mother has been widowed twice. My observations of her confirm the advice of waiting apx 1 year before making major decisions. Mom wanted to sell the house for about 6 months after Daddy died. Too many memories and he died, of natural causes, in bed. She really wanted to move, go, be anywhere but there for close to a year. After several years she told me she was so happy that she had stayed in the house.
                                  stay with your counselor, you need that support. When the time is right use the counselor as a sounding board for a new plan for your life. Talk to the folks at Lowe's or Home Depot as they should have suggestions/contacts of who can help you finish the house.
                                  I ssecond the suggestion of reaching out to neighbors or workmates for assistance with the house. Get the kitchen, DR and Bathroom done so you can invite people over for lunch, dinner, dessert, just so you maintain human interaction.

                                  Major hugs.
                                  "Never do anything that you have to explain twice to the paramedics."
                                  Courtesy my cousin Tim

                                  Comment


                                  • #37
                                    Originally posted by FatDinah View Post
                                    Do I stay in my present job field and recommit to that career for a more challenging, better paying job? Do I chuck a career and go work tables at Yellowstone next spring? Do I stay where it is familiar and find new human connections? Is it easier to move somewhere new and do that and what sort of place might be good?
                                    Because of having so many widowed friends now (due to the online support group) I know many stories, some a little wilder and crazier than others, some very conventional. Some ended well (very well), some didn't.

                                    Nobody can really tell you what to do but you. You may make a mistake, but you're a big girl. You've been through some serious sh#t. If it turns out to be not what you want, change it. Sometimes "very different" can be a very good thing.
                                    My mantra at one point was Billy Joel's "My Life". If there is something you've always wanted to do, do it. (I'm partial to Yellowstone, I perked up at that idea!). There is a certain weird freedom that has been thrust on you. You didn't ask for it, or want it, but it's now yours. There is nothing wrong with staying put and getting that better paying job, there is also nothing wrong with doing something that others may feel is totally off the wall. It IS your life. I wish you the VERY best in whatever you decide.
                                    We're spending our money on horses and bourbon. The rest we're just wasting.
                                    www.dleestudio.com

                                    Comment


                                    • #38
                                      (((HUGS))) and my deepest condolences for your loss. I'm glad you posted so we can gather around you and let you know you are not alone in your sorrow. It SUCKS you don't have any insurance to fall back on, your house is torn up, and you have no hot water. (I think that would do me in). You do have something very important and that's a job that pays you income.
                                      Try to change your attitude toward your job and see it as a blessing, which it is. It gives you sustenance and a reason to get up in the morning. Keep it for now. (That doesn't mean you can't start deciding what you really want to do when you can afford to move).

                                      My DH died 4 years ago. I got through those first horrible months by keeping busy and staying productive. Decide what your goals are and start taking baby steps to fulfill them. I'm a list maker. I list what needs to be done this week and check them as done the next Monday. I now have 3 and 1/2 legal pads listing most of what I have accomplished in 3 1/2 years. This helps, mentally,physically and in reality.

                                      I used the "don't do anything for a year" rule to keep people from trying to run my life for me. It sounds like that's not a problem for you, but still, keep it in mind. Above all, time is the "great healer." You will survive. You will be happy again. Try to eat well, exercise, and get plenty of rest. May God bless you and I'll be praying for you. Please keep in touch by posting to us here. More (((HUGS))).

                                      Lawndart and others who don't know what to say- Say something. "I'm sorry for your loss." " Can I cut your grass this week?" Be supportive.
                                      Listen to them. Be a friend.

                                      Comment


                                      • #39
                                        I wasn't going to post, because as a "never married," I don't have any useful advice, but I just wanted to say that I have always enjoyed your posts, and the personality I see behind them, and my heart aches for you. I'll be watching and hoping for peace and a good way forward for you.
                                        If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.
                                        Desmond Tutu

                                        Comment


                                        • #40
                                          Originally posted by FatDinah View Post
                                          In my case, I wish people would speak of him, either remembering good times or discussing what has happened. It hurts a lot worse to feel like the only one missing him or remembering him.
                                          And be sincere. Don't ask "How are you doing" unless you are prepared for an honest answer. So many people say that and you can tell they want to hear, "Oh, I'm doing fine."
                                          My oldest son was 21 when he was killed by a drunk driver. His close friends remained in contact with us but my direct contacts at work just stopped talking to me, eventually I left the organization.

                                          I guess their fear was that they too could be faced with the same and their fear was that they could not face the issues that are not changeable.

                                          Back to your house, you say you are in south.... contact the states " Baptist Men Retiree Builders"... this group is set up to build/rebuild churches but the it should be a source, suggest that they use your home as real life training project....

                                          here is the link to Texas's group...it can be used to find a group near you

                                          http://www.texasbaptistmen.org/Minis...6/Default.aspx

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