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Losing your marriage over not wanting children, success stories please

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  • #61
    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Critters Everywhere:
    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by lost:
    He has a family history of depression, and was evaluated for depression at the request of our counsellor. Psychiatrist said no, it was just a situational short term thing. No meds needed. I disagree. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>


    This one is really, really easy & cheap to test. My husband also swore up & down that it was the situation (hated his work partner, stressed about money, blah, blah, blah). He agreed to try Lexapro for one month. If he didn't need it, it wouldn't hurt him (and with insurance was only about $15...the doctor even offered 2 weeks of free samples). If it helped, he'd know within that month.

    It helped. A lot. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

    This I couldn't disagree more with. Herion might make the guy happy and seem "normal" again, it doesn't mean he needs it.

    The guy has shown no "clinical" signs of depression for how many years? Sorry, I totally do not buy that all of a sudden this guy had some "chemical switch" go off in his brain that means he needs meds, merely because the guy has finally come to some realizations in his life that you don't agree with!

    A doctor has already said he isn't sick. We all go through life changes and change our minds, or old issues get triggered and make us think differently. My bet is the guy is coming into his own, finally has the emotional strength to deal with his past issues, and is coming to some discoveries about himself that maybe aren't what he thought about himself a couple years ago.

    I think the worst thing you could do is go around to doctors until one of them drugs your husband into being the person you want him to be. 80% of people on anti-depressants get them from a GP because they are "sad". What happens when the happy pills stop working? What happens when he realizes he doesn't need nor want them next year, and his desire for kids is still there? What happens when he's pissed off at you next year for treating HIS FEELINGS like a mental illness?

    I certainly wouldn't want a man around that I had drugged into agreeing with me.
    On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog

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    • #62
      I don't have any advice really, other than to say I am so sorry for what you are going through.

      My fiance and I have been together for over 5 years- we actually moved in together almost immediately. The first day we met, we talked about kids. I was adamant about not ever wanting any, and told him if that was a problem then we shouldn't even consider a relationship. He's warmed to the idea over time, as he loves animals a lot.

      He has his hobbies, I have my horses. While I'd like him to come out to the barn sometime, I understand if it doesn't interest him enough.

      It's not fair that you should have to suffer for your husband's fickleness with the idea of having/not having kids.

      I hope it all works out for the best... things always seem to though.
      Erin and
      Instant Karma "Sunny", ShineDown "Liam"

      "You can't control the wind, but you can adjust the sails."

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      • #63
        A few things.
        1. People change. Maybe your husband got to a point where he decided he wanted to try raising a kid. Maybe one morning he woke up and felt children would be a good thing. My mom never wanted kids. Then ding ding... age 35, wanted a kid. It happens.

        2. Don't have a kid of you don't want one. I was at lunch the other day prattling on about all the things I do. I don't have kids. If you like, horses, career, free time, whatever, a kid's gonna put a dent in that. If you have a kid, you will make sacrifices. My boss has a nanny. She still devotes a lot of time to her kids. Her only "own time" is an hour at Yoga every weekend. She's not bitter or sad, but then, she WANTED children.

        I'd sit down with hubby and say, look, I don't want children. If you want children, you need a different wife, and I wish you luck.

        Here's another thought... and I do this to Mr. Magnolia rather frequently when he decides he wants a kid. I send him to his friend's house where there are 3 kids for the day! Can you borrow someones children for a day? So he can see how much work and responsibility is involved? Kind of like leasing a horse.
        The witchy witch witch of south central NC.

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        • #64
          I wonder from what has been posted so far, if your husband wants children, or some vision of life where children are part of the "perfect picture."

          The reason that I say this is the comment that he wants children, but doesn't want to be the caregiver. People who actually want kids want to PARENT them. People who think that they "should have" kids as part of the package want someone ELSE to parent them. (That would be YOU.)

          For people like this, I find that the list of things they "need" to have is neverending. They are trying to fill emotional voids with physical things - with predictable results.

          And yes, my first husband was the poster child for this behavior. At the time we divorced, I was devastated. Not long after, I found myself thanking God every day that the marriage ended.

          As an aside, I always knew I never wanted kids and rolled my eyes when people would protest, "oh but you'd be such a great mom." Maybe yes, maybe no - but it was a moot point since I just didn't want to. Fast forward to this year when I married a GREAT guy with a pre-teen son. He's a nice kid (he even rides!) and my husband is a very involved primary parent - and yet being a "bonus parent" is still without question the hardest thing I have ever done. The normal things that kids do - which many people find so charming - will grate on your last nerve if you are not child-oriented. And if you think you are considered the "bad guy" now for not wanting kids, you can't even IMAGINE how you'd be painted as a parent that got pressured into having kids you didn't really want (the resentment shows, I promise.)
          **********
          We move pretty fast for some rabid garden snails.
          -PaulaEdwina

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          • #65
            <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Perfect Pony:
            80% of people on anti-depressants get them from a GP because they are "sad". </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

            I do wish you wouldn't throw about your opinions disguised as facts. If you are going to cite statistics, have the studies ready to back them up.

            Lost, I'm sorry for what you are going through.

            Comment

            • #66
              <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">The reason that I say this is the comment that he wants children, but doesn't want to be the caregiver. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

              Yeah, that struck me as total BS too--"I want kids as long as YOU'RE the one investing most of the time, effort, etc. raising them." Talk about your red flags.

              Wish I had some words of wisdom for you, lost, but I hope you've gotten some insight into your situation from all the other posts, and that things work out well for you.

              Comment

              • #67
                <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Dow Jones:
                <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Perfect Pony:
                80% of people on anti-depressants get them from a GP because they are "sad". </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                I do wish you wouldn't throw about your opinions disguised as facts. If you are going to cite statistics, have the studies ready to back them up.

                Lost, I'm sorry for what you are going through. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                Dow Jones...PP is very obviously someone who has never lived with someone with true clinical depression who is afraid to admit it. It's amazing how well someone can hide their feelings when they choose to. I think most of us have done it at one time or another in our lives. People like PP who refuse to admit that it can be chemical rather than situational and have no clue about the chemistry involved are the reason that my husband keeps it very quiet that he is now taking Lexapro. And is the same reason that even though my mother was a complete wreck for many, many years she never was willing to go in & talk to a doctor. My husband lied to psychologists for YEARS about what he was thinking/feeling...how were they supposed to diagnose him correctly?
                My Photo Albums

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                • #68
                  <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Dow Jones:
                  <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Perfect Pony:
                  80% of people on anti-depressants get them from a GP because they are "sad". </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                  I do wish you wouldn't throw about your opinions disguised as facts. If you are going to cite statistics, have the studies ready to back them up.

                  Lost, I'm sorry for what you are going through. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                  I will continue to look for the exact article that cites the current exact number. It was more than 60% in 2003 and had grown to approx 80% in 2005. This is from 2003.

                  I will cite a quick quote from this article
                  http://www.antidepressantsfacts.com/2004-08-20-prozac-n...he-party-is-over.htm

                  "Glenmullen says he himself prescribes SSRIs when appropriate but is dismayed to see patients who have been prescribed antidepressants for every triviality, from nail-biting to boyfriend breakups. It is easy to see where overprescribing could become a habit. General practitioners, internists and family doctors are, at times, penalized by health insurers for making referrals to psychiatrists. These first-line doctors write 73% of all antidepressant scrips in America. Fact: We now spend more on mood-altering drugs for our children, including antidepressants, than we spend on antibiotics."
                  On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog

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                  • #69
                    I forgot to post this the first time:
                    A former neighbor of mine did not want children. She is a counselor in a school and, although she loves kids, did not feel the need to have her own. Her husband pressured, stated how he was unhappy and needed a child to "complete" the family and the next thing you know she was pregnant. Guess what? Mr. Unhappy ended up cheating on his wife and leaving her for a sleezy co-worker. Now she is a single parent. Not exactly the plan that my neighbor had for herself.

                    Like I said before- both parties need to be 100% committed to having AND raising a child or it is not a good idea.

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                    • #70
                      Lost, I do not have anything to add as far as advice. I just wanted to say that I am sorry for what you are going thru and I hope it resolves quickly and as painlessly as possible.

                      Comment

                      • #71
                        <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by pacificsolo:

                        I'm only gonna say this once. You took a VOW. I don't know how else to say divorce is wrong. You wanna know why so many people are broken and sad these days? People cannot count on ANYTHING to be for real. It's so easy to say "I'm not happy so I'll just end it". When has marriage EVER supposed to be self-centered?

                        I feel for you, really. I would be really mad if my husband flipped the script all of a sudden. HOWEVER, it is up to us to work thru it.
                        </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                        She isn't the one who changed her mind. He is. And he's not willing to work through it.

                        What do you receommend? That she comprimises by having children she doesn't want and by giving up her career to be the primary caregiver to said children she doesn't want?

                        It takes two to make a marriage work. I don't believe in staying in an unhappy marriage and making all the adjustments that a selfish spouse wants just because we took a vow.

                        I'm happily married, and my husband and I have hit a rough patch here and there, but we're still together. But I don't believe in telling anyone else a blanket statement that "X" (divorce, abortion, euthanasia, you fill in the blank) is "WRONG." Until you've been in their shoes, you just don't know.

                        In this case, I'd say this guy has no business being married (and I'm confused about whether you're married now or about to be). He has no idea what he really wants, and that's no state to be in when you get married.
                        Life would be infinitely better if pinatas suddenly appeared throughout the day.

                        Comment

                        • #72
                          <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Critters Everywhere:
                          <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Dow Jones:
                          <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Perfect Pony:
                          80% of people on anti-depressants get them from a GP because they are "sad". </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                          I do wish you wouldn't throw about your opinions disguised as facts. If you are going to cite statistics, have the studies ready to back them up.

                          Lost, I'm sorry for what you are going through. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                          Dow Jones...PP is very obviously someone who has never lived with someone with true clinical depression who is afraid to admit it. It's amazing how well someone can hide their feelings when they choose to. I think most of us have done it at one time or another in our lives. People like PP who refuse to admit that it can be chemical rather than situational and have no clue about the chemistry involved are the reason that my husband keeps it very quiet that he is now taking Lexapro. And is the same reason that even though my mother was a complete wreck for many, many years she never was willing to go in & talk to a doctor. My husband lied to psychologists for YEARS about what he was thinking/feeling...how were they supposed to diagnose him correctly? </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                          Give me a break. I have lived with MORE THAN one person who was diagnosed as "clinically depressed". I know of more than one person who has killed themselves on antidepressants. My closest cousin has been turned into a drug addict and a zombie from all the drugs she has been prescribed. I worked as a social worker for several years and seen more than most people believe me.

                          I also had a quack doctor try to put me on meds when I was in my late teens. My "clinical depression symptoms" were actually caused by my birth control pill, LOL, and I have been "symptom free" now for 15 years! I am thankful every day of my life I didn't listen to that quack.

                          Again, my comments stem from the fact that a doctor has already told them it's NOT clinical depression. I guess you know more than the doctor? Then again, due to advertising, many people think they know better than doctors now and self prescribe. A good family friend has been a pediatrician for 30 years, and says that most of the parents that come into his office now come in for meds for "diseases" they have self prescribed! He believes that less then 10% of the children and adults he sees prescribed these meds actually need them. Pretty scarey.
                          On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog

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                          • #73
                            <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by pacificsolo:
                            I'm only gonna say this once. You took a VOW. I don't know how else to say divorce is wrong. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                            sure, she took a vow, but so did he. and divorce may be wrong FOR YOU, but obviously, not for the rest of us. please, don't try to force your opinions down MY craw, because trust me, if i hadn't divorced my ex, i would have killed him instead. no one is advocating she dump the guy altogether, i think everyone has advocated she get another counsellor and try to figure things out. but marriage is a compromise, 50/50 on both sides. it is NOT, 'yes dear, i will do anything and everything to make you happy 120% of the time, even at my own expense'. if Lost's husband is unable or unwilling to compromise, and to give as much as he takes, then why should she stay with him, and be miserable? sure, they should try to work at it, but in some cases....things don't work out, and a divorce is the better router for all involved. but for you to say that divorce is wrong, that's a blanket statement, and just YOUR opinion. until you've walked in Lost's shoes, or mine, or anyone else who has been in a miserable relationship that no amount of work can seem to fix, then you have no right to throw our vows in our faces. please, don't go there.
                            Different Times Equestrian Ventures at Hidden Spring Ranch
                            www.DifferentTimesEquestrianVentures.com

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                            • #74
                              <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by lost:
                              6 months ago, some secrets from his life started to unravel..and basically these very negative things are the result of his horrible horrible childhood.
                              .....
                              supported him in a very nice lifestyle. I worked two jobs and lots of extra shifts to pay for our wedding....which I didn't want - he did(all the expensive accoutrements..blah blah)
                              </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                              I am so so sorry. Forgive me if this has been mentioned, and I'll delete the post. All this is like deja vu for me and actually, for a few others I know. It might not be another woman, but another man.

                              I've seen this before, exactly the same.

                              Hang in there, lost. Keep in mind that if you do have the child and become the primary caretaker and the marriage breaks up, let the voice of experience (me) tell you that YOU will be the poor one. Out of the jobmarket, difficult to get good-paying jobs because you can't do all the travelling, overtime, etc. required because you have a very small child, plus you'll be stuck with the expenses of same. His std. of living will skyrocket and you will have to hang on for yourself & your child. Money for a horse? HA. And if the horses are a bone of contention for him now, he may take a perverse satisfaction in the fact that you will then HAVE to give them up. Sounds like a control issue to me.

                              And yes, my SO was definitely the picture-perfect one.

                              However, years later let me guarantee you also that life is great and living well and happily is indeed the best revenge!

                              Comment

                              • #75
                                BTW, I really didn't mean to go on a tangent. I really feel for the OP, it is my greatest nightmare. I am about to get married on October 15th to a man I have been with for over 7 years. I am going to be 35 this Friday and I know I do not want kids. He also doesn't want kids. Even when I bring up taking in foster kids at some point he is dead against it.

                                This is our agreement. If he all of a sudden wanted kids I would leave him. I don't think once a person decides that is what they want they will change, especially if they let it control their life from that moment forward. I would be heartbroken, but I won't have kids just because someone else wants them.

                                And for the record, it wouldn't really shock me if in 5-10 years he changed his mind, and I am going into our marriage with the understanding that he might. I think people as they get older DO change their minds - in both directions, and this should be OK. I don't think he lied, and I don't think he's a bastard, or in need of medication (lol).

                                I wish you the best!
                                On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog

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                                • #76
                                  <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Perfect Pony:
                                  <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by Critters Everywhere:
                                  PP is very obviously someone who has never lived with someone with true clinical depression who is afraid to admit it. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                  Give me a break. I have lived with MORE THAN one person who was diagnosed as "clinically depressed". </div></BLOCKQUOTE>


                                  PP, apparently you just skimmed what I wrote. Someone who is in denial about their problem & trying to hide it is very different from someone who thinks they have a problem but doesn't.

                                  Would you give the same advice to someone showing every sign of having a heart attack who refuses to admit it, and when you force them to go to the emergency room, LIES to the doctor about their symptoms as you would give to someone who is a chronic hypochondriac? Because that's what you're doing now.
                                  My Photo Albums

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                                  • #77
                                    pacificsolo - You know I love you, but...

                                    There are times when one party can't fix what's wrong with a couple. Why should both parties be miserable because of it? I'm not saying not to TRY to fix it. But, sometimes it's beyond one's control. There is such a thing as "I made a mistake and I need to do what I can to correct it".

                                    Don't get me wrong! I don't like the fact that I'm divorced. But, I will also say that we were pretty miserable in the last year or so of our marriage and I'm sure our lack of whatever was having an effect on our children. (I didn't realize how miserable I WAS during that last part of our 13 years together until several YEARS afterwards. The hurtfulness of him only recently stopped shocking me. Now, he's just an jack*** at times, but doesn't have the power to make me feel miserable 24/7 any more. ) If one person has given up and won't work together/making compromises, then I don't see how it CAN work.

                                    Lost - many {{{{{hugs}}}}} to you. I truly hope, that with constructive counselling, that you and your husband will be happy together again. But, if that is not the case, please do not feel guilty and be happy yourself.
                                    \"Riding a horse is not a gentle hobby, to be picked up and laid down like a game of solitaire. It is a grand passion. It seizes a person whole and, once it has done so, he will have to accept that his life will be radically changed.\" -- Ralph Waldo E

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                                    • #78
                                      <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Originally posted by monalisa:
                                      Your horses are wonderful but they won't take care of you at the end of your life. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

                                      There are no guarantees that ANYONE will (except a paid caregiver). That was one of the big arguments tossed at me when I was first married: "Who'll take care of you when you're old?". If that's the only reason people have children (or get married), they need to have a good, long hard look at themselves.

                                      I will take care of my mother in her declining years (which have started), but I'd much rather have her euthanized.
                                      Founder of the Olde Farte Clique

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                                      • #79
                                        It sounds to me like having kids is really not the heart of the issue. Your husband has not really given it much deep thought. Have you tried telling him that you would consider it and see if he comes up with some other demand? But realistically the worst thing you could do is bring children into a marriage on the rocks. Children will stress the best of relationships.

                                        I have two small kids and two horses. When we got married I made it perfectly clear I wanted both kids and horses would always be part of my life, it was not an option. He wasn't worried about the horses but kids scared him a lot. Now he can not imagine what he would have done with out the children in his life. And, I hope that one day we can enjoys horses as a family.

                                        Some times you have to compromise in a marriage but every one has things that are not an option, there are things that make you what you are and you have every right to not compromise them. That being said some times people change there minds because they were just afraid, like my husbands fear of having children. I wish you the best, I am sure it will all work out in the long run (married or divorced) just make sure you protect your self and your interest.
                                        No hour of life is wasted that is spent in the saddle. ~Winston Churchill

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                                        • #80
                                          Oh boy.. Lost, I do understand! At nearly 62, childless (couldn't, and thankfully didn't want them), and single most of my adult life, I see far too many sides to the issues you're facing.
                                          I assure you there is nothing more crippling than to grow up knowing that you were unwanted. Been there... and learned to be comfortable enough with myself that I didn't attend my late father's funeral. Frankly, I didn't even grieve over his death - it didn't mean much of anything to me, other than that the pain had stopped.
                                          Listen to your head and your heart. Follow YOUR path, not someone else's idea of the path you should follow. It may be lonely, but it's YOURS! And as someone who has walked that walk, the one foundation that has sustained me is the horses. They will sustain you (and they won't show up some day with someone else's lipstick on their collar, saying that they want out).
                                          Arendal Arabians and Sanctuary

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