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Losing your marriage over not wanting children, success stories please

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  • #41
    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">I did agree to try to get to the root/explore the background of why I didn't want them.... </div></BLOCKQUOTE>

    It doesn't really matter why you don't want them if you don't want them. I don't want a cat or a bird. Nothing wrong with them, I just don't want 'em. Or children for that matter, although I'm happily single.

    There's a newsgroup - alt.support.childfree - that you can search in Google. Lots of folks in your shoes or who have been in your shoes.

    I'll PT you with a link/info on a childfree mailing list. It's sort of closed/private, so I don't want to post the info publicly since we get the occasional troll (who is pretty promptly axed, but ...).
    Delicious strawberry flavored death!

    Comment


    • #42
      I haven't read any of the responses but your post just reminds me of so many friends.

      First, the friend who, while planning her marriage, was totally caught off guard when he started making suggestions on how to spend the money from the sale of her horse. She clearly stated there would be no sale of her horse. He thought she was joking. She thought they'd cleared things up before getting married but 13 years later he left her, the horse was still with her, and she is totally obsessed with her ex-husband to this day. Gorgeous, brilliant, funny lady, who doesn't realize her own qualities without him. Very sad. Good thing she still has her horse to hold her together on the worst days.

      Then the gal who never wanted children. She took the pill for 2 years while pretending she wasn't taking it. When he started suggesting going to the doctor to find out which one of them was having the problems, she decided to go off the pill. Her son was less than a year old when she left her husband. She always treats the child as this huge burden and it shows in his behaviour.

      If I had to venture a guess, you won't save your marriage by having a child. Sleepless nights and unwelcome sacrifices are not what a rocky marriage is improved upon.

      Going through a divorce is so very hard but going through a divorce with a child is so much harder than that. You should be proud of how self-aware you are in not choosing to have kids for your own reasons.

      Oh, just think of putting the child before yourself, and that means your not even conceived yet child too! If you put the child first, you won't get pregnant under such conditions.

      And I'm sorry you have to think of these things at all.

      Comment


      • #43
        I want to start off by saying I am no means a councellor.

        Having been through a similiar situation with my first husband. I can simpathize.

        A couple of things go through my head. You are in councling and it does two things. One, it could be unleasing the desire to have kids that were suppressed at the time the two of you had married. It is amazing what you can convince yourself of if the right situation presents itself. Two, he could be thinking that things are so uncomfortable that he feels a child may help him get back what he feels that he missed as a child himself. We all know that that never works out but he is not thinking that way.

        Unfortunately you have a big choice to make. Stick it out and see if his feelings level out and come back to the way you two had discussed or be prepared to have him say that it is something that he really wants and will regret not having children. It is a really tough choice. I would suggest your own therapist too.

        I too had had the "big conversation" about children before I was married both times. My first husband thought I would "change my mind" and become the traditional wife. Needless to say I am on my second husband. We are not perfect and have been together for a few years, every once and a while he has said he might be changing his mind and wants children, but stick him in a room with kids for 30min. and he quickly changes his mind. Especially because he knows I am not the traditional women which is why he married my in the first place.

        But I can't say in the back of my head it doesn't worry me that he has had thoughts about changing his mind. But if he did, I would still love him and let him go. It would be very hard.

        I can only say that you have a long road ahead. Get someone to talk to, that you can unburden yourself with, a therapist. I feel for you.

        Comment


        • #44
          Sorry for your pain - you are in my thoughts. Can't imagine what it must be like for your world to turn upside down like this.
          Chronicles of the $700 Pony
          The Further Adventures of the $700 Pony
          www.blithetraveler.com <-- My Blog

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          • #45
            <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-title">quote:</div><div class="ip-ubbcode-quote-content">Sharing the same interests isn't the key, respect honesty and love are. </div></BLOCKQUOTE>


            well put carolprudm! My husband plays golf, I was not in to horses until a few years after we married. We both did not want children. We are both passionate about our sport but at the expense of each other.
            Tracie Richardson

            Comment


            • #46
              I am always sorry to hear about things like this. Good for you for being honest with yourself about what you want out of life. No one should ever have a child because someone else wants them to. I feel strongly that both parents need be 100% on board and be willing to give the child 100% commitment or they shouldn't have kids.

              As far as the horses, my husband has always said that the horse is cheaper than a marriage counselor (or a divorce). He knows that they are a part of who I am and not just a "hobby".

              Good luck with everything. Just remember to be true to yourself and your needs. You only go around this world once and you need to make the best decisions for you.

              Comment


              • #47
                If the doctor doesn't think your husband should try anti-depressants, get another doctor. At my worst, I had various HUGE troubles mentally, that I look back now and think, what was the big deal? The meds fixed me and changed my outlook on everything!
                Best of luck to you both.
                www.ncsporthorse.com

                Comment


                • #48
                  ((Hugs)) Lost.

                  Not entirely relevant to this conversation but as a child of a mother who was pressurised into having children when she never really wanted them and didn't have a maternal bone in her body (she had 4 of them) I would never ever say to anyone to compromise themselves to have children when they don't want them not matter how much pressure is put on them.
                  My mother grew up in an era when it was expected. Both her parents and parents in law pretty much hung out waiting for the first grandchild the minute she walked down the aisle.

                  My childhood was miserable, None of us children ever felt loved. My mother was always distant and cold.
                  Now shes a grandmother and still struggles with
                  her grandchildren even though she dosen't have to deal with them alot. It breaks my heart to see the hurt in the eyes of her grandkids when she repels them. (she dosen't even realise what she is doing, her actions are so ingrained) I know what they are feeling because I felt it myself and still do even though I am an adult.

                  I always thought no one noticed how she was until I recently met a childhood friend who I have not seen for 20 years. We chatted for a bit about old times and she told me how sorry she always felt for me as my parents were always so unsupportive and cold. She told me things I never even thought about. How I battled to find rides, rode my bike for miles to search out horses to ride in the cold and wet. How sad I always was when I was at home and how I loved to get away and find horses.
                  I used to ride my bike an hour and a half in all weathers to a barn whenever I could so I could get rides.

                  Wow sorry for all this. Thanks for letting me tell my story anyway.

                  Me well I ended my first marriage after 2 years.
                  He was pressuring me to have kids. I knew I couldn't. I walked. I spent the next 10 years on my own and then met my current man. We had only been together a short time and I knew I wanted his children. It seemed so right (and still is 10 years later)
                  Don't Squat With Your Spurs On.

                  Comment


                  • #49
                    I hate that some people think they have the right to project what is normal in a relationship onto others and can upset people as much as they want because they must be right.

                    I remember at the age of 24 being read the riot act by some stupid woman at a staff party because I said I did not want kids. 'What about your boyfriend', she yelled, 'he'd make a great dad, you can't deny him children.'

                    'My Mike's last girl was like her', she then announced smugly to the table. 'Didn't want kids- Career motivated, so he left her.'

                    ('Her Mike' had left her for yet another woman not 3 months earlier and come back and she had nearly smoked and drunk herself to death.. what a lovely relationship to be in.)

                    Of course me and my boyfriend split about a year later, him cheating on me, and blaming my horse obsession for the split. So I could have ended up abandoned by an immature prat and lumbered with a kid I would resent for the rest of it's life poor thing because I could not juggle the horses, college and a job around the child.


                    So in variations, I think the no children and the horse thing can be a factor in a lot of relationships.

                    I am so so sorry this is happening to you.
                    I hope you are holding up ok. Sending lots of good wishes from overseas.
                    In the swiftness of my darkness I whisper to thunder, I am patient as stone, as wild as lightening, the very symbol of surging potency and the power of movement for I am THE SPIRIT OF THE HORSE

                    Comment


                    • #50
                      She who laughs last, laughs best.

                      You WILL laugh last, I assure you. I was one who didn't think I would survive a divorce - this was 30 some years ago. Well, I did survive &, in the long run, I was better off.

                      Hang in there. Everyone is pulling for you.

                      Comment


                      • #51
                        imo silver nailed it.

                        you guys need to see a better counselor.

                        until your husband resolves his issues with his childhood, he is not ready to have children. and once he has figured that out, things may get better.

                        he is going through a lot, and your counselor is recommending having a child for all the wrong reasons.

                        if i were you i'd:

                        line up my ducks financially, in case i decide to leave the marriage, maybe even consult a lawyer;

                        find a different counselor. if he won't go, go by yourself;

                        try to be loving and supportive as you can be.

                        if you don't want kids, do NOT allow anyone to pressure you into having them. especially not someone as ambivalent about it as your husband!(and yes, he is ambivalent, if he doesn't want to share the parenting duties.)

                        my personal story: i got married at age 38 to a man who already had a son, and did not want any more children. i never wanted kids anyway, so fine with me.

                        two years later after a death in my family and a bunch of other stuff(and that biologicval clock!), i changed my mind; and my husband got very enthusiastic about having a baby; i got pregnant, ended up having a daughter at age 41.

                        but at the time neither of us had any issues. and both of us wanted the baby. as my due date drew near, i became very afraid that i had made a mistake and would not want the baby and to want to take care of her. i told my husband, "what if i don't love her? what if i don't want to care for her?" he replied, "then you just hand her to me and i will take care of her."

                        VERY different than your husband. and mine has been a very active, involved father for 13 years; he probably does as much as i do if not more.

                        Comment


                        • #52
                          lost, your post had me thinking about you last night. As I posted at the beginning, it DOES seem sudden, but him getting out of school and discovering/discussing childhood's ugly past has made him feel disconnected. He is assuming children and your being at home will fill the void and give him the happy childhood he didn't have? Perhaps that is it.

                          At any rate, you must insist on a non-partial counselor for the two of you, and perhaps one for yourself.

                          I have two lovely children, but as I posted earlier, my 2nd husband left me, and one of the reasons stated later was he didn't want to raise more children. (as if he didn't know I had them before we married)

                          I know your feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. I have been there. But from what you have posted, he needs very much to get some help and healing of his own feelings, before going further.

                          I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.
                          Randee Beckman ~Otteridge Farm, LLC (http://on.fb.me/1iJEqvR)~ Marketing Manager - The Clothes Horse & Jennifer Oliver Equine Insurance Specialist

                          Comment


                          • #53
                            Lost:
                            Marriage and any good relationship is built on compromise. You both need to give. In my humble opinion, a great relationship with your husband is extremely important and ALL alternatives should be considered.

                            You need to somehow give on the horse issue and he somehow needs to give on the children issue. I don't know what that answer is, but if you both stand your ground you will find yourself in divorce court. As someone who has gone through divorce, it is the MOST PAINFUL experience of my life and I would NOT wish that on anyone - and I walked out of my first marriage.

                            I ride and have a husband, but I too have to give. It is lonely to be home weekend after weekend alone. I used to show all of the time and if I had kept it up I too would be single again. I don't go to Florida anymore cause it is too much time away from home. There is a way to make it work but you both have to want the relationship to work more than anything else in order for it to work.

                            Your horses are wonderful but they won't take care of you at the end of your life.

                            Comment


                            • #54
                              Coupla things:

                              I've often had more money than the men I date, and I've helped them along. Without fail, the SECOND they have money of their own, they BOLT.

                              I've found that men who have problems stemming from poor childhoods often bring along "baggage" that I'm not equipped to (and don't care to) deal with. My policy is to run screaming when these things surface, and they don't often surface in the beginning.

                              It seems like the hardest thing in the world to do, but once you dump the sniveling little weasel and stick to your guns about it, you will wonder what you ever saw in him 6 months later. And you'll realize you're relieved to be rid of him. And you'll be so much happier in your own life. And if you see him with a new woman, you'll PITY HER.

                              Being single is AWESOME!!!!! No one to disappoint you, control you, boss you around, act like a big baby, take your money, etc. As a single person, you enjoy your freedom to come and go as you please, interact with anyone you want, you have control of your remote (YEAH!!!!), you can spend your money as you please, and you are free to find a better deal than the one you left. I'm not opposed to marriage, but I can't see sticking around when you are obviously unhappy and he is the source of your misery. I'd say sayonara, baby, as fast as possible. The way I look at it is that I am nice, clean, decent, respectful, and if the other person can't at least be those simple and basic things, you are wasting your valuable time. Life is short--dump this loser and kick up your heels!

                              Oh, and here's some hugs {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}, 'casue the first 6 months SUCK (but it gets better, trust me).

                              Comment


                              • #55
                                I was telling my husband about your post last night and he was talking with me about it. It was interesting because he is a court authorized mediator--at some point in the future, all family court matters will be refered to mediators before going foreward to family court--and his point was that while you are very willing to see the other side of things, ie your husband's side, he is unwilling to compromise, of which I'm sure you are well aware. When people are not willing to meet at some point of compromise it is very hard to do much and in this case, you have a councilor that is "on his side" as it were. You certainly need someone who is impartial and helps sort the issues, not someone who takes sides. Is this the same person who has helped him sort out his prior issues?

                                While he and the therapist may be convinced he wants a child, if he has childhood issues, it often takes much longer to work through those and prep yourself to be a parent--as evidenced by his current behavior. Someone who shuts out his wife and lover and the person with whom he seemingly wants to have a child with in order to selfishly get his way is in no way ready to bring a child into this world, much less parent.

                                Again, my heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers.

                                Comment


                                • #56
                                  yikes. first off, my sympathies. been there, done that. my ex and i were both of the mind that we didn't want kids. he had his own thing, i had mine, and kids didn't figure into that picture. we got married, and suddenly, everything changed. i was supposed to drop everything and be mommy and the perfect wife. his words: "i always imagined that we'd end up like my parents in 20 years'. yeah, as if. his mom quit her job to raise 2 kids and keep house, all while working a part time job, and once the kids were grown, she was keeping house, working a full time and a part time job, all while coddling her husband. nope, i'm NOT doing that. and when my ex said he wanted kids (where did THAT come from?!?!?) i know how it would end up. he'd come home from work, pat little Johnny on the head, plop himself down in the recliner and send the kid off to mommy. nope, i'm far too selfish and self centered (admittedly) to be a 24/7 mommy. i want to go ride, have *me* time, and a LIFE. well, fast forward a few years. my OOPS baby is 19 months old tomorrow, i love him to death, his daddy (my boyfriend, we haven't gotten around to getting married - and maybe we won't) is a great father, who is willing to work nights, while i work days so that the baby doesn't have to go to daycare and be with strangers. The baby loves his ponies, my horses are really good with him, he comes to the barn and plays while i ride, is very social, so he'll hang out where ever i take him, and basically, has made things very easy for me to be both a mommy and myself. i got lucky. not everyone is that lucky. but my son was an oops, i was on the pill when i got pregnant. having a kid to save a marriage will never work. find yourself a different counsellor. like others have said, it sounds like he has decided that having the 'Leave It TO Beaver' kind of life will somehow make up for his crappy childhood. which obviously, it won't. Good luck to you.
                                  Different Times Equestrian Ventures at Hidden Spring Ranch
                                  www.DifferentTimesEquestrianVentures.com

                                  Comment


                                  • #57
                                    I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I can't offer any advice - I've been married almost 20 years - we both decided we didn't want kids before we got married. (We eloped at 19). We've survived the strange looks, the occasional ridicule or name calling, etc.

                                    I have a good marriage that has its ups and downs - and sometimes the downs last a while.

                                    When faced with an ongoing crisis, I ask myself what is REALLY the problem. Is it him? Or is it the situation? If it's the situation, will it change, can we compromise, or can I live with it? If it's him - what is motivating his behavior? Am I contributing to the negative behavior? Will it change? Should it change? Can I live with the outcome and be a happy, healthy person?

                                    Obviously having a child is not going to solve any problems. So if the counselor is advising that - she/he should be strung up.

                                    The child is not the issue - something else is. If you can work though that together as a couple, identify exactly what the source of the problem is - THEN you can make decisions about where to go.

                                    If he's got unresolved issues from childhood - he needs to work that out (with you by his side).

                                    Then, if it turns out that he really cannot be a happy, healthy person unless he becomes a father, you can make a decision for your own life. And if you don't want to become a parent, then you two will need to decide whether to remain married.
                                    Brothers and sisters, I bid you beware
                                    Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.
                                    -Rudyard Kipling

                                    Comment


                                    • #58
                                      No advice, but I did lose my fiancé (he decided he DID want kids after all). Whose tag line on COTH says: "If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat!"
                                      I identify with that 100%! I have beasties instead of kids
                                      www.savethehorses.org GA Horse Rescue
                                      http://community.webshots.com/user/seahorsefarm

                                      Comment


                                      • #59
                                        Lost,
                                        I cannot tell you how this absolutely tore me up inside to read. I am trying so hard not to cry sitting here in my office with the phones ringing off the hook and hundreds of emails to read.

                                        This did not start recently. It started 2 years ago. When he became selfish about the move. He had to have it his way. No ranchette. Only the biggest house. Remember his push to be on the water? Trying to move you away from the horses. The horsey area that you loved.

                                        Remember when you were not ready for the puppy, but he had to have one? Hmmm, I remember it being the puppy he wanted. Who was the primary, oops strike that, the ONLY caregiver?

                                        It is a status thing with him. The house, the careers, the 2.5 kids, the car (take the freaking keys back now!).

                                        You are the most amazing woman. He should be on his knees every night thanking whomever that you are in his life. You have always done a better job than anyone else of making sure the horses did not take over. You are a master at the balancing act.

                                        I am sorry if I put too many personal details out there, but you are so loved and respected by all your friends. You know I will always be there whatever you decide and support you 100%. It sounds so simple, but one of the things that I had to remind myself of was that you have to go through it to get through it. Whatever path that is.
                                        Hugs from me and the boys.

                                        Comment


                                        • #60
                                          Saw, had to respond. Yes, lost marriage PARTLY due to him not wanting children, after I had spent alot of time, money, etc. trying to get that. Gee, I thought that's what I was doing in those three painful surgeries, but . . ..

                                          The only success I can say is that even though it was two years of HELL, now my life is much better for it, and have a wonderful husband, wonderful home, and everything I have ever dreamed of. Good luck!

                                          As an aside, old hubby (who didn't want any children) married ACTUALLY kind of part of MY family, and she got pregnant (before marriage) and now they have a child, who is related to my brother's child, my neice. Weird and sick. Yuk!

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