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What do I do now? I lost the love of my life

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  • What do I do now? I lost the love of my life

    I lost my horse last night during colic surgery. I am beyond devastated, and I feel so empty. I don't think I will ever get over the look on the surgeon's face when she came out of the o.r. to tell me. I will be 50 in September, and this horse was so sweet and trustworthy. I felt he and I could do some lower level eventing successfully. I trusted him so much. Please tell me how those of you who lost horses unexpectantly carry on. I am having such a hard time knowing I will not see his face looking for me when I walk into the barn ever again.

  • #2
    I am so very sorry for your loss. I have no words of wisdom, just sympathy *hugs*


    • #3
      No words of advice, just (((((((((hugs))))))))))). So so sorry.

      Tincture of time.


      • #4
        Oh, God. I really don't know. You're living every horse owner's worst nightmare. I'm so sorry!!!
        Born under a rock and owned by beasts!


        • #5
          Nothing I can say, but that the hurt is part of life.
          Once the shock wears out, you may start being thankful for all the time you had together and that will create new memories from the old ones, eventually relegating those of what just happened into the background.



          • #6
            I'm so sorry. I know that empty feeling so well. I just lost my mare this week and apparently time is the only healer.


            • #7
              Originally posted by 2horseowner View Post
              I lost my horse last night during colic surgery. I am beyond devastated, and I feel so empty. I don't think I will ever get over the look on the surgeon's face when she came out of the o.r. to tell me. I will be 50 in September, and this horse was so sweet and trustworthy. I felt he and I could do some lower level eventing successfully. I trusted him so much. Please tell me how those of you who lost horses unexpectantly carry on. I am having such a hard time knowing I will not see his face looking for me when I walk into the barn ever again.
              It is *very* difficult. In July of 2006, I lost my best friend. He was an older horse at that point and I had 13 good years of him all to myself and some good times prior to that in the program I purchased him out of. I had tried prior to his last days to line up a "replacement" for him and have ever since, but there is no "replacement" for a partner and a best friend. There are only others and you can hope to maybe forge something new, but there is no "replacing". How do you replace that which you have pretty much geared your life around? Equipment, vehicles, a farm for his very own home...I am where I am not because I owned just a horse, but because I owned him.

              I spent his last day knowing I had to put him down, seriously contemplated staying home from work that day and spending it with him, but I did not because I knew if I did, I would never have the guts to have to put him to sleep if I spent the whole day staring at him. The vet couldn't come until evening that day. I cried all day at work, cried the 50 mile commute there and back, and I'm crying now as I type this. I still have crying jags that come out of nowhere when I get to thinking about him. I do have a horse now that I purchased last year that I seemed to have "clicked" with, FINALLY, but replace? Never. I cannot tell you when the grieving process will end. Perhaps never. I trailered out to a state park with a friend who knew him and we were going to go for a nice trail ride that turned into a crying jag for both of us because I didn't realize I still had one of his old bridles in the trailer and I pulled it out with the rest of the tack. Then we both had a crying jag right there in the state park's parking lot. It's that kind of thing that lets you know it isn't over yet. Maybe it isn't meant to be.

              A couple of artist friends of mine have done a lovely portrait head study, an original watercolor portrait, and a custom model of him. I decided last night I would make prints of the original so that he can be out there for others to appreciate too like many of her prints of her originals, just as he was in life when I showed him, took him to nursing homes to entertain the old folks, etc.

              So know I am not saying empty words when I say I feel your pain.
              America dialed 911. Donald Trump answered the phone.

              Stop pumping money into colleges and start getting ready to earn money in the projected tradesman shortage of 2024. Make Trades Great Again!


              • #8
                Time will put what happens in perspective, but the memories rarely fade.
                We lost a wonderful broodmare to a peritoneal tear, that some intestines sneaked thru and strangulated.
                That was found on necropsy and that was 30+ years ago, even the attending vet is now gone years ago.
                You know, I remember that as if it just happened yesterday afternoon.

                Those are memories we just have to live with, but yes, the more time passes, the more we realize that is just the way the world is, some of it wonderful, some, well, time to mourn.

                We can always find some consolation that it is over, the horse is not in pain any more, that can be a big help to find some understanding in these hard times.


                • #9
                  So very sorry. A friend nearby lost one this way last week, so I've spent some time contemplating what you are going through in the past few days. Alas, it takes time to get through it. {{{Hugs}}}.
                  "One person's cowboy is another person's blooming idiot" -- katarine

                  Spay and neuter. Please.


                  • #10
                    I am so, so sorry for your loss. It is such a difficult thing to go through. I lost my mare last March to colic. It was a very strange case, and I wish we had necropsied (we elected not to do surgery for a variety of reasons). She was a gray TB and I wonder now if maybe she had an internal melanoma..again, I wish we had necropsied, but such is life. I had owned her since she was a weanling, she was the very first horse I started under saddle entirely on my own, she was mine through the high school/college/early married years- losing her was like losing part of myself. I'm tearing up now writing this, but I want to assure you that it does get better. I know if hurts now, and take the time to grieve because it's an important process, but also try to take comfort in the good memories and not dwell on the painful ones. Time is a great healer.


                    • #11
                      Cherish the memories of the time you had together and plant a tree in his honor.


                      • #12
                        I have found that it's comforting to know you did everything possible, that you know that your animal's well-being came first in your decisions. You can't change the outcome, but you can avoid second-guessing yourself and torturing yourself with what-ifs.

                        You did the best you could.



                        • #13
                          I am so sorry for your loss. Be easy on yourself, and allow yourself to grieve. You have had a big loss.

                          I lost my senior Appaloosa gelding in 2004. He was kicked in pasture and fractured his leg. Because of his other health issues, the most humane choice was euthanizing him.

                          It broke my heart. And I cried for a long time. But eventually I started to miss horses in general and not just him in particular, and that was when I decided to get another horse. I found my Noodle almost a year later. And it has been good. Not in the same way it was good with Kipper, but still good.

                          Hugs to you. It just sucks. But it does get easier.


                          • #14
                            Big hugs to you. It's awful to lose a beloved horse, and there's no cure but time. The sudden losses are even more devastating.


                            • #15
                              *Hugs* to you. I'm so sorry.


                              • #16
                                I am very sorry for your loss and as others have noted, many of us have been there. It's difficult to give advice because everyone's grief is their own. It helped me to have had other horses going under saddle at the time, though none of them were 'HIM'. I kept riding because I had to and eventually another one worked his way into my heart but it did take time. It also helped that my daughter who was a young teen back then also shared a special relationship with the same horse and we were able to mourn our loss together. It was actually she who started bringing up the funny times and the happier times whenever she would see a horse that resembled 'HIM'. It's been at least 6 years now and we can finally remember without the tears. He was my first true heart horse. I've been blessed to have another heart horse come into my life; but, no one will ever replace my original heart horse.
                                Ranch of Last Resort


                                • #17
                                  I'm so very sorry .

                                  Honestly it's so hard to open these threads...but we all relate, or will some day. I hate this part of horse ownership so, so much.


                                  • #18
                                    I'm so very sorry. You just do. You put one foot in front of the other and you just keep on going. I lost my Bluey just over a year ago and I completely understand. He was the horse of a lifetime and irreplaceable. I found him in the pasture with a broken femur when I went looking for him when he didn't come up with the other horses for breakfast. He nickered to me when I realized he couldn't move...a come help me nicker. And I did, the only way I could.

                                    I threw myself into dog rescue for a while and went a bit overboard to the exclusion of everything else. I have balance back in my life (still rescue dogs though), but just typing this I have tears streaming down my face.



                                    • #19
                                      I'm so very sorry for your loss. Just push on, and gradually the loss will hurt less. It never truly goes away, but it becomes more bearable with time.
                                      Against My Better Judgement: A blog about my new FLF OTTB
                                      Do not buy a Volkswagen. I did and I regret it.
                                      VW sucks.


                                      • Original Poster

                                        I can not express how much I appreciate the kind words from everyone. I know time eases the pain, and I can't wish my life away to get to that point. The surgeon gave me his forelock and some of his tail. I have had to put that away because I just can't look at it right now. I take comfort in knowing he is not in pain, but that doesn't lessen the grief. Being only 9 and in a healthy horse was just shocking. I am so thankful to God for bringing him into my life for the short time I had him. Again, thank you for all thoughts and kind words.