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Dear Pocket Trainer:

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  • Dear Pocket Trainer:

    Dear Pocket Trainer,

    I've seen you giving your valuable advice on the Hunter/Jumper board. I wonder if you might be in a position to provide your insights, and your patented Pocket Trainer line of products, to those outside the hunter ring? For the proper fee, of course.

    In particular, I have a grey horse and need advice on how to keep her clean, without getting myself dirty, of course.

    Signed,

    Hoping for Help in Houston

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "Put simply, the necessary ammunition wasn't there - and no balls means no awards."
    Robert Hamilton, president of the Clydesdale Horse Society of Scotland, quoted in Ananova, Sept. 29, 2003
    "I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but why is it that a woman will forgive homicidal behavior in a horse, yet be highly critical of a man for leaving the toilet seat up?" Dave Barry
  • Original Poster

    #2
    Dear Pocket Trainer,

    I've seen you giving your valuable advice on the Hunter/Jumper board. I wonder if you might be in a position to provide your insights, and your patented Pocket Trainer line of products, to those outside the hunter ring? For the proper fee, of course.

    In particular, I have a grey horse and need advice on how to keep her clean, without getting myself dirty, of course.

    Signed,

    Hoping for Help in Houston

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~
    "Put simply, the necessary ammunition wasn't there - and no balls means no awards."
    Robert Hamilton, president of the Clydesdale Horse Society of Scotland, quoted in Ananova, Sept. 29, 2003
    "I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but why is it that a woman will forgive homicidal behavior in a horse, yet be highly critical of a man for leaving the toilet seat up?" Dave Barry

    Comment


    • #3
      GASP, my fellow Pocket Trainer Protected Princess, Pocket trainer will keep her clean for you, certainly you did not purchase said horse with out Pocket trainer's assistance(for the appropriate fee). PTPPs should never be concerned with trivial things like grooming, it causes wrinkles which could affect you placing in the finals.

      Comment


      • #4
        Dear Hoping for Help in Houston!

        Pocket Trainer is deeply disturbed that you might have a less than spotless mount, and even more concerned about the possibility of you engaging in unnecessary physical labor. That is not keeping with the Pocket Trainer Experience!

        Naturally we at Pocket Trainer are here to help you and preserve the sacred status of Hunter Princesses everywhere, even if they compete in the jumper ring! Naturally every Pocket Trainer client should avail themselves of Pocket Groom and Pocket Junior. Pocket Groom ($495 installation fee, $79.95 monthly subscription plus tips!) will make sure your mount is always spotless and waiting for you at the ring. We do recognize that grey horses present a special challenge to anyone, even something as exceptional as Pocket Groom, so we recommend that you upgrade your Pocket Groom to include the Pocket Poop Alert ($395). Special sensors will detect any "little additions" to your grey horse's freshly cleaned bedding, and will alert Pocket Groom to quickly run to the stall and remove the offending item before that sneaky grey can even think "Stop, Drop and Roll"! Truly a Must Have item for greys!

        Naturally, your own grooming must be attended to as meticulously as your horse's. Pocket Junior is THE "must have" item for the discriminating HP ($495 installation fee, $99 monthly subscription plus tips!). Pocket Junior will pour your wine, assemble your wardrobe to match your mount, drive you around the showgrounds and attend to your every showing need. We do recommend the PT Manicure upgrade ($59.95) if you show more than 35 weeks a year and have trouble finding time to slip off to your weekly appointment!

        Naturally, Pocket Trainer knows you enjoy a good wine, and recommends a 1995 Hartford Court Reserve Zinfandel to celebrate your new Pocket Trainer accessories.

        Yours in a Pocket!

        Pocket Trainer

        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
        Yours in a Pocket!

        Pocket Trainer

        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

        Comment


        • #5
          You all are cracking me UP!!!

          ______________
          The TB body slave formerly known as Lizviola.
          "The standard you walk by is the standard you accept."--Lt. Gen. David Morrison, Austalian Army Chief

          Comment

          • Original Poster

            #6
            Dear Pocket Trainer:

            Thank you ever so much for the advice. Forgive me for thinking that I should myself touch a less than spotless horse. That was a suggestion from some Eventers who board next door, and I was misled by their enthusiasm for personally interacting with their beasts. I should have listend to the DQs down the aisle, who, while refusing the thought of going over anything higher than a 6 inch cavaletti, nevertheless know how to stay clean.

            Thanks ever so much. The check is in the mail.

            Signed,
            Hoping for Help in Houston

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~
            "Put simply, the necessary ammunition wasn't there - and no balls means no awards."
            Robert Hamilton, president of the Clydesdale Horse Society of Scotland, quoted in Ananova, Sept. 29, 2003

            [This message was edited by Portia on Oct. 02, 2003 at 02:05 PM.]
            "I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but why is it that a woman will forgive homicidal behavior in a horse, yet be highly critical of a man for leaving the toilet seat up?" Dave Barry

            Comment


            • #7
              Dear Pocket Trainer:

              I feel disheartened and saddened by recent events. It seems as though my trainer feels that I should gain some "horsemanship" experience, and would like for me to *gasp*, brush my own horse, tack my own horse, even pick out his feet! Being the immortal HP that I am I realize that this is downright ridiculous. Could you please advise?

              Signed,

              Spoiled in Austin

              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              I survived!
              My adventures as a working rider

              theworkingrider.blogspot.com

              Comment


              • #8
                EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
                Quickly pour a Dewars on the rocks.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Is there a pocket lawnboy available yet? or even Pocket Gardener? Or perhaps Pocket Mom, who takes care of your house, and prepares wholesome, nutritiouse meals to go with Pocket Trainer's wine, while you are out riding your pocket groomed horse over your vast acres and fine estates, that are seen to by the above pocket gardener? Let us know when these fine item s are available. I could use them all, asap.
                  LESS HARD WORK, MORE FINE DINING!™
                  complicate, obfuscate, prevaricate.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Dear Pocket Trainer:

                    I am in the middle of a very serious crisis with my virtual trainer. She is just too nice to me. She answers my questions, she supports my decisions, and even treats me with respect. I hear these things can be extrememly detrimental to my hunter princess status. I fear if I do not act quickly I may start thinking I know how to ride instead of just looking pretty on my horse.

                    Please help!

                    Signed,

                    Looking for Abuse
                    Keith: "Now...let's do something normal fathers and daughters do."
                    Veronica: "Buy me a pony?"

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Dear Pocket Trainer,

                      I am having a problem getting a lead change from the left to the right. Time is of the essence as I must win at all the next shows. Is there a chant or spell I can put on my horse so he does them automatically while I ride around looking pretty? Or maybe a note card from the Pocket line I can carry on course with me that reminds me on how to ask for the change????

                      Thanks,
                      Also in Houston

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Dear Spoiled in Austin!

                        Pocket Trainer is most worried about this ugly trend, and certainly thinks this is ample evidence of a dire need for more Pocket Trainers!

                        Pocket Trainer reminds you that as a Pocket Trainer client, you are not required to lift so much as one finger, unless it is being manicured! We have a philosophy that we know best, and you should just listen to us. Why if you start picking feet, the next thing that will happen is that you might want to know why your horse has on shoes that cost $465 every 4 weeks! Now I ask you, what fun would that be?

                        For your own peace of mind, I think you should explore the Pocket Trainer Experience and complete line of accessories. See our ad here for more information: The Pocket Trainer Experience!

                        Remember to call us at 1-800-GOTMYPT if you have any questions!

                        Yours in a Pocket!

                        Pocket Trainer

                        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                        Yours in a Pocket!

                        Pocket Trainer

                        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Dear Looking for Abuse!

                          Yet another desperate soul looking for the Pocket Trainer Experience! We at Pocket Trainer understand that every rider has individual needs, and we tailor Pocket Trainer to meet those needs. Just as some of our most esteemed clients need the Ego Stroke upgrade ($995), other clients are only happy if they are verbally abused. To meet those very special needs, Pocket Trainer will upgrade your Pocket Trainer Experience to Abuse Mode for the reasonable sum of $1095.

                          But Pocket Trainer would like to remind you that we draw the line at physical abuse, however bank account abuse remains just that extra perk that we provide for all of our clients! In fact some of our clients think we are so talented in that area, that it does resemble a certain type of physical abuse! Everyone walks away happy at Pocket Trainer!!

                          Yours in a Pocket!

                          Pocket Trainer

                          See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                          Yours in a Pocket!

                          Pocket Trainer

                          See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Dear Trapped with a Lawnmower!

                            While Pocket Trainer appreciates your interest, at this time we are not considering expanding our line outside the Pocket Trainer Experience! models.

                            But we thank you for your inquiry!

                            Yours in a Pocket!

                            Pocket Trainer

                            See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                            Yours in a Pocket!

                            Pocket Trainer

                            See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Dear Also in Houston!

                              Pocket Trainer is about the Ultimate Show Experience, not some cheap gimmacks like chants or spells. If you are a Pocket Trainer client, rest assured you will not even have to ask your horse for a change. Your Pocket Trainer will make sure your mount knows exactly when and where those changes should occur before you even school your first fence!

                              Yours in a Pocket!

                              Pocket Trainer

                              See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                              Yours in a Pocket!

                              Pocket Trainer

                              See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                              Comment


                              • #16
                                Dear Pocket Trainer,

                                Do you have a negotiation module? I was hoping that it might be able to assist with the Oldenburg debate that seems to rage periodically on the Sport Horse Breeding topic.

                                I am sure the entire BB would chip in for the cost for "certain" members, regardless of cost.

                                Thanks,

                                Hopeful Oldenburg Owner.

                                The adventure has begun...
                                KT

                                P.S. In case you were wondering, the more people I get to know, the more I loff my horsie.
                                "For God hates utterly
                                The bray of bragging tongues."
                                Sophocles, Antigone Spoken by the Leader of the Chorus of Theban Elders

                                Comment


                                • #17
                                  Dear Pocket Trainer,

                                  Do you offer ego deflation services? I think we also have some BB members in need of these services. Some people feel compelled to mention their professions a little too often. I mean, just because you've survived 12 or so years of higher education doesn't mean you have to brag about it, right?

                                  Comment


                                  • #18
                                    I have Pocket Change, may I arrange a trade for a Pocket Trainer?

                                    Maddie is quite upset at lacking a personal trainer of her own.

                                    Friendship is Love without his wings
                                    -Lord Byron
                                    "If you would have only one day to live, you should spend at least half of it in the saddle."

                                    Comment

                                    • Original Poster

                                      #19
                                      Wingsy, it is a terrible thing that a True Princess like Maddie does not have her own personal trainer. You must correct this slight immediately if you expect her to project the proper air of hauteur in the show ring.

                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                      "Put simply, the necessary ammunition wasn't there - and no balls means no awards."
                                      Robert Hamilton, president of the Clydesdale Horse Society of Scotland, quoted in Ananova, Sept. 29, 2003
                                      "I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but why is it that a woman will forgive homicidal behavior in a horse, yet be highly critical of a man for leaving the toilet seat up?" Dave Barry

                                      Comment


                                      • #20
                                        Dear Hopeful Oldenburg Owner!

                                        Pocket Trainer would most assuredly not offer any kind of negotiation device, as this would require "thinking" on the part of Pocket Trainer clients. This is a practice we do not condone!

                                        However, Pocket Trainer understands the pain of unreasoned debate, as the topic of the Hack Trot: Daisy Cutter or Toe Flip has consumed many a client in the search of the ultimate hack winner. Pocket Trainer has always advised clients to enjoy a little wine when these unreasonable moments happen. We especially recommend a 1995 Laetitia La Colline Pinot Blanc.

                                        Yours in a Pocket!

                                        Pocket Trainer

                                        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                        Yours in a Pocket!

                                        Pocket Trainer

                                        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                        Comment

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