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Dear Pocket Trainer:

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  • Dear Pocket Trainer,

    A friend told me about the Pistol In Your Pocket attachment that your company offers. Is this true?

    Yours,

    Lily Lily Lily

    Comment


    • Dear Pocket Trainer,

      I am the owner of a Chestnut Mare Extraordinaire. Of course this means my horse thinks she knows everything, even when she doesn't. The result of this is I actually have to know how to ride my horse and tell her she's wrong. Being a chestnut mare, she rarely listens, insisting Her Way is the Best Way. Suggestions?

      ~Signed
      Better Red than Dead

      ~<>~ COTHBB Leather Care Guru~<>~
      ~Member of the *Horse Vans Rock* clique~

      "Onomatopoeia...isn't that in Hawai'i?"--Colin Deschamps

      Comment


      • Pockets?? Where for art thou??

        ***** I muck, therefore I am. *****
        Congratulate me! My CANTER cutie is an honor student at Goofball University!

        Comment

        • Original Poster

          It's Harrisburg this week. Pocket Trainer must be there, of course.

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~
          "We've sold your children to pay for the new furniture. I think you'll find it's a better investment in the long run." Carson Kressley, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
          "I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but why is it that a woman will forgive homicidal behavior in a horse, yet be highly critical of a man for leaving the toilet seat up?" Dave Barry

          Comment


          • Isn't that typical of a PT. Just when you need them most, they're off at a Big Name Show schmoozing up new customers.

            ~<>~ COTHBB Leather Care Guru~<>~
            ~Member of the *Horse Vans Rock* clique~

            "Onomatopoeia...isn't that in Hawai'i?"--Colin Deschamps

            Comment


            • Dear Pocket Trainer,
              How does one replace the batteries in your PT? Mine went dead and I suddenly can't remember how to throw a tantrum or demand proper service. I almost forgot to ask for a feed allowance on my boarding bill because I supplement carrots. What to do?
              I extend my pinkie while I write my board check, but that doesn't seem to help me while I sip my 1996 Penfold's Grange. Should I change wine or whine?

              Lawny

              Houston, where hell rarely freezes over.

              [This message was edited by LawnOrnamentLuvr on Oct. 22, 2003 at 10:13 PM.]

              Comment


              • Dear Sister to a Sinner!

                Given your very understandable high level of angst, we shall forgive the informal use of "Pockets". But Pocket Trainer must ask you not to refer to her in endearments that might put one in mind of a particularly cute corgi puppy. Just as one does not refer to The George as "Georgie-kins," one should not use any diminutives when talking about She Who Knows All.

                Your current situation leaves Pocket Trainer practically spewing her 1994 Domaine Drouhin Laurene Pinot Noir all over the keyboard with the sheer outrage of it all!

                But Pocket Trainer believes you just might be on to something with this adoption concern. Have you considered trying to find your real parents? After all, a person of your discriminating taste and fashion must surely have wealthy parents.

                Failing that, I am afraid that desperate times call for desperate measures... Hypothetically speaking, would your sister's body fit into the plastic storage thingie?

                As always, Pocket Trainer recommends a 1996 Grove Mill Sauvignon Blanc when watching Double Indemnity and jotting down useful notes

                Yours in a Pocket!

                Pocket Trainer

                See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                Yours in a Pocket!

                Pocket Trainer

                See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                Comment


                • Dear Unappreciated!

                  Pocket Trainer certainly sympathizes with your plight. There is nothing quite like a person firm and inviolate in their belief that they are all knowing and yet others fail to appreciate this quality!

                  Sadly Pocket Trainer cannot offer a SUTH Machine as Pocket Trainer frowns on anyone taking any advice from anyone other than Pocket Trainer (or a Pocket Trainer Designee). However, Pocket Trainer must acknowledge the fact that They Who Hold the Checkbook must be considered (to their faces) to be right, accurate and correct in virtually every instance there is money at stake. Therefore Pocket Trainer strongly recommends that as a non-rider, you simply become a "Horse Show Parent"!

                  Pocket Trainer understands that it does take time to become a parent of a riding age child, and naturally with the vagaries of producing your own, there is the chance that the child might start screaming within 15 feet of her 6 figure pony. So Pocket Trainer does offer an adoption service with pre-screened children who are guaranteed to not scream at the site of a horse and even show some ability to ride (Call for pricing).

                  As always, a 1995 Benziger Old Vines Zinfandel goes well with selecting the apple of your eye.

                  Yours in a Pocket!

                  Pocket Trainer

                  See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                  Yours in a Pocket!

                  Pocket Trainer

                  See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                  Comment


                  • Dear Lily!

                    I am afraid your friend has been pulling your pistol, er, your leg. This happens when our 800-Got-MyPT occassionally gets confused for 900-Got-PIMP (Pistol In My Pocket) number.

                    Yours in a Pocket!

                    Pocket Trainer

                    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                    Yours in a Pocket!

                    Pocket Trainer

                    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                    Comment


                    • Dear Better Red than Dead

                      Here at Pocket Trainer we are confused by the idea that a horse might have opinions, although we freely admit we do steer our clients away from redheads, as we feel this is the path to Helfire and Damnation (and we are not particularly religious!)

                      We feel that we can only recommend a mount with less ... ideas ... As always, Pocket Trainer recommends a new mount whenever the old one proves less than satisfactory. However, we have seen instances where the mount in question is actually better at the job than the rider, yet the rider is incapable of not screwing up the horse. These are our favorite horses as we simply recommend a few muscle relaxants along with a 1994 David Bruce Pinot Noir several hours prior to the class. This generally results in a rider willing to listen to the more talented partner.

                      Yours in a Pocket!

                      Pocket Trainer

                      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                      Yours in a Pocket!

                      Pocket Trainer

                      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                      Comment


                      • Dear Batteries Not Included!

                        We begged you to purchase the Pocket Trainer Recharger ($195) when you upgraded to the more memory sensitive Ego Stroke Mode ($995), now didn't we? Although we acknowledge that you are indeed without fault in this matter as the programming requires this, it was pointed out to you prior to the activation of the ego stroking that this might occur, now wasn't it?

                        Nonetheless, this does not mean you should ever give up your whine with your wine. That is simply unthinkable! Pocket Trainer shall send you an emergency battery (fully charged) along with your Pocket Trainer Battery Charger. In the meantime, after you are done with your Penfolds we recommend a 1993 Lindemans Coonawarra Pyrus Meritage, so as to keep in the Aussie spirit. We also recommend watching anything with Mel Gibson or Russell Crowe while enjoying all things down under.

                        Yours in a Pocket!

                        Pocket Trainer

                        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                        Yours in a Pocket!

                        Pocket Trainer

                        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                        Comment


                        • Dear Pocket Trainer:

                          I just realized that I have been with my current BNT for six months. At the one-month mark, I bought him the appropriate gift (personalized golf cart) to ensure that I would remain foremost in his concerns among his clientele.

                          Now my dilemma: in celebration of my slavish infatuation for my BNT for six whole months, I don't know whether to buy him a newer, larger motorhome for use during the day at the show grounds, or shall I simply buy him a luxury automobile? On the one hand, the poor thing has been driving a 2001 model Jaguar, but on the other, I resent the cramped and common feeling I sometimes get when relaxing with a glass of wine in the current motor home. I don't have to mention these deficiencies reflect badly upon me; what must people think -- that I would tolerate such an inadequate presentation of my BNT experience?!!

                          Yours,

                          Horrified after Harrisburg

                          Comment


                          • <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Pocket Trainer:
                            Dear Sister to a Sinner!

                            ...
                            Failing that, I am afraid that desperate times call for desperate measures... Hypothetically speaking, would your sister's body fit into the plastic storage thingie?

                            Yours in a Pocket!

                            Pocket Trainer

                            _See the light! (Light available - $99.95)_<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

                            Knowing said sister, I am afraid that she would not fit into a "plastic storage thingy", but the new line of Vintage Valet Tack Trunks could certainly be customized for a person of her size and she could be dollied right off the show grounds.

                            After disposal, the saddle rack and bridle racks could be installed at only a small additional charge.

                            Signed,

                            Shamelss Plugster
                            "He lives in a cocoon of solipsism"

                            Charles Krauthammer speaking about Trump

                            Comment


                            • Hmm, wonder if the Vintage line and Pocket Trainer will team up to promote a fabulous blood stain removal product?! We don't want those pretty Vintage trunks bearing the mark of others' transgressions!

                              Comment


                              • DDeeaarreesstt PPTT,

                                II ppuurrcchhaasseedd aa PPoocckkeett TTrraaiinneerr HHoorrssee-WWhiissppeerreerr 2000 RRoouunnd PPeenn (ddeelluuxxee mmooddeell wwiitthh vvviibbrraattiinngg rroottaattiinngg sseeaatt), bbuutt II ccaann'tt ffiinndd tthhee ooffff sswwiittcchh.

                                HHooww ddoo II ttuurrnn iitt offff??

                                Comment

                                • Original Poster

                                  BH1 --

                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                  "We've sold your children to pay for the new furniture. I think you'll find it's a better investment in the long run." Carson Kressley, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
                                  "I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but why is it that a woman will forgive homicidal behavior in a horse, yet be highly critical of a man for leaving the toilet seat up?" Dave Barry

                                  Comment


                                  • Dear Horrified after Harrisburg!

                                    While Pocket Trainer certainly appreciates your concern for your own comfort, and thinks that a more comfortable motor home has some merit, Pocket Trainer would like to remind you that a 6 month anniversary is a veritable milestone in our industry. And as such, it should be celebrated with something that says "it's all about you, dearest BNT!"

                                    Naturally this leads one to the natural conclusion of "Rolex"...

                                    We say this for several reasons. First and foremost, with a Rolex, your BNT has no reason to not know what time your lesson begins (however, waiting at the ring is still mandatory - how would the judge know that you are so worthy of his attention of you did not make him WAIT for the opportunity to see you ride?)

                                    Secondly (and far more important!), one can reach several perfectly acceptable drinking establishments in half the time it takes to drive to the designated parking for motorhomes at WEF. Dear God, only the riff raff party there! One must always conduct oneself as one would wish to exist in Nirvana (WEF).

                                    As always, one should order a 1993 Chateau Souverain Winemaker's Reserve Cabernet when presenting your 6 month anniversary largesse upon your BNT.

                                    Yours in a Pocket!

                                    Pocket Trainer

                                    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                    Yours in a Pocket!

                                    Pocket Trainer

                                    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                    Comment


                                    • Dear Shameless Plugster!

                                      While Pocket Trainer can certainly understands the joy and beauty of well crafted wood storage products, Pocket Trainer would like to take this moment to remind you that eliminating a troublesome relative (and plastic storage devices) appears to be key in the quest for finely crafted wood storage devices!

                                      Naturally a 1995 Geyser Peak Reserve Chardonnay will give one the fortitude to do the necessary manipulations to make it a "fit", so to speak...

                                      Yours in a Pocket!

                                      Pocket Trainer

                                      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                      Yours in a Pocket!

                                      Pocket Trainer

                                      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                      Comment


                                      • Dear Mooovvviiing Unnnncoooonttrrooollabllly!

                                        Pocket Trainer has stopped spewing her exquisite 1993 Caymus Cabernet all over her keyboards long enough to remind you that if you had purchased the Buck Brannamen Idiot Proof Assistance Module along with your Horse Whisperer Deeeeelllluuuuuuxe model, you would not be in this predicament.

                                        Normally we would merely raise a glass to your predicament and ask for a consultation fee ($9.95 per minute), but as we have been so thoroughly amused, we will point out that the red button under the seat is NOT the turn off swith, that controls the speed. Try the black switch on the underside of the left arm rest...

                                        Yours in a Pocket!

                                        Pocket Trainer

                                        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                        Yours in a Pocket!

                                        Pocket Trainer

                                        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                        Comment


                                        • Dear Pocket Trainer,
                                          After reading a topic on the dressage forum (especially one of your dearest clients, nwhr) I wondered how you dealt with the sunburn associated with your EgoStroke model (nwhr explained that blowing sunshine up your posterior assisted in perfecting 2-point position). Do you recommend SPF 30 or SPF 45??

                                          Signed,
                                          UltraViolet
                                          It's ALOE 'bout ME, ME, ME!!

                                          [This message was edited by EventerAJ on Oct. 22, 2003 at 10:11 PM.]
                                          “A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it.”
                                          ? Albert Einstein

                                          ~AJ~

                                          Comment

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