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Dear Pocket Trainer:

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  • Dear Fairly Violent!

    We at Pocket Trainer sympathize with your plight, and think maybe we should take this opportunity to mention Pocket Attorney ($2395 installation plus $395 monthly retainer) in case you might need to express yourself at any future horse shows.

    We regret to inform you that your Pocket Junior has been programmed to behave in a fashion considered most acceptable in a horse show environment, and this does included the Ring Crew Hazard. However, while we cannot change the core programming in Pocket Junior, we can offer you the Psychotic Boss upgrade for your Pocket Trainer ($595), as well as the Busybody Tattler option on Pocket Groom ($295). Both of these options are designed to curtail undesirable behaviors such as the Ring Crew Hazard and smart mouthing the money client (you).

    We find that a 1996 Firesteed Pinot Noir goes down exceptionally well when watching your newly beleaguered Pocket Junior get her comeuppance!

    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
    Yours in a Pocket!

    Pocket Trainer

    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

    Comment


    • Dear Fainting from Fear!

      We at Pocket Trainer would like to take this opportunity to remind you that while you have ordered the Abuse Mode ($1095) for your Pocket Trainer, you also specifically requested the Ego Stroke Upgrade ($995) as it relates to Precious Posie.

      As such, we can only inform you that of course Posie does not need Lessons Plus®! Posie is already the most accomplished rider that we have ever come across! In fact, our only concern is that her current small junior hunter, Insanely Accurate, might not have all the class a horse needs in order to best showcase her talents. After all, one so talented as Posie really does deserve the best, doesn't she?

      Pocket Trainer has always found that 1994 Geyser Peak Reserve Shiraz compliments the palate exceptionally well when contemplating the sheer perfection of one's offspring.

      Yours in a Pocket!

      Pocket Trainer

      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
      Yours in a Pocket!

      Pocket Trainer

      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

      Comment


      • Dear Pocket Trainer,

        I have ordered your entire PT line, with much hope for a happier future, when a thought suddenly occured to me. Living north of the American border, I realise things are different. For example, we have the metric system! Does PT come with international conversions? How can I let PT know its not in the USA anymore, or does it just 'know'?

        I also have reciently purchased a mount from Germany.. but now I read that the selle francis might be the 'in' thing. Shall I exchange it? or use german horse as a practice mount, and buy a new, more 'in' horse for shows? and what color should the new mount be? I want to be in style, yet I don't want to blend in with the other common horses.

        My German horse is also a light chestnut, what type of wine would you recommend drinking near my horse, so I don't clash?

        Yours sincerly
        North of the Border

        Comment

        • Original Poster

          Dear Pocket Trainer --

          I am very interested in Lessons Plus(tm). It would be a novelty to be able to tell a horse what to do, rather than making a suggestion and relying upon the Pocket Trainer(tm) Auto-Pilot Program to do the work. Not that I like "work," mind you, but I'm thinking of it more as a "work-out," like my spinning and Tae Bo classes I take at my Club.

          I have often thought that there might be some advantage in becoming one of those daring individuals who can get on their horse without having had it previously lunged by Pocket Groom(tm) or ridden by Pocket Trainer or Pocket Junior(tm).

          If I were to commit to the Lessons Plus(tm) program, I trust that Pocket Trainer would be able to accompany me to France to find the proper (and most fashionable) mounts for me, both for training and for show. I've heard of a horse called "Baloubet" or something similar, who I understand is a Selle Francais. Perhaps he might be available?

          Signed --
          Potential Plus Participant
          "I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but why is it that a woman will forgive homicidal behavior in a horse, yet be highly critical of a man for leaving the toilet seat up?" Dave Barry

          Comment


          • Dear Pocket Trainer:

            We will follow your suggestion and purchase yet another mount for my Precious Posie, as Insanely Accurate obviously lacks that special brilliance that shines out of Posie's orifices.

            I have heard much buzz about these French horses, but do they self-jog? Posie so detests paying attention and returning to the ring, shuffling through all that dirt merely to claim a ribbon we will later toss!

            And dropping the hunters is not an option, as equitation and jumpers require her to go through the whole charade of following her BNT on coursewalks, counting long, ridiculous steps and pretending to understand the purpose of it all. I really don't comprehend this grand spectacle; doesn't everyone's horse zero in and gallop to any jump it's pointed at, even if it meets the fence on three legs at a 12-degree angle?

            Kisses,

            Sell Me A Selle

            Comment


            • Pocket Trainer:

              After much hunting, my BNT has found me a smashing WB jumper, who of course is a dark bay, so as not to clash with the wine I must consume while riding my chestnut A/O jumper. However, I am slightly concerned by her lack of "chrome." Now, I do not want any of those flashy "pintos" that have occasionally been appearing, but is there perhaps a way to add a bit more "bling-bling" (as PocketJunior calls it) to this mare, were I to purchase her? The lone white heel seems insufficient. Does PocketGroom have a salon upgrade of some sort that could perhaps give her a stocking or snip of some kind to distinguish her? Otherwise she looks a bit well...common in color, and I cannot have that!

              Worried Over White

              Comment


              • Dear Pocket Trainer,

                I am appalled, yes utterly appalled. Yes and shocked.

                You have been speaking about Selle Francais. EXCUSE ME, dear Pocket Trainer.

                It's Selle Français.

                If this is an example of your attention to detail, well, I am VERY disappointed. This reflects very poorly indeed on the Pocket Trainer Experience!

                Breathless waiting to see how you wiggle out this peccadillo.

                The adventure has begun...
                KT

                P.S. In case you were wondering, the more people I get to know, the more I loff my horsie.
                "For God hates utterly
                The bray of bragging tongues."
                Sophocles, Antigone Spoken by the Leader of the Chorus of Theban Elders

                Comment

                • Original Poster

                  Oldenburg Mom, your point is well taken.

                  I, though nowhere near the level of sophistication of dear Pocket Trainer, have been distressed that I do not know how to make proper accents for foreign languages when posting on this board. (For example, when I used the word "declasse" without the proper accent ague, I fretted for hours about it.) I can do them in Word (I even know the keyboard shortcuts), but don't know how to do them in html or whatever this is.

                  Could you help give me direction so I am not so obviously gauche?

                  Signed,
                  Lost in Internetland

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~
                  "We've sold your children to pay for the new furniture. I think you'll find it's a better investment in the long run." Carson Kressley, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
                  "I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but why is it that a woman will forgive homicidal behavior in a horse, yet be highly critical of a man for leaving the toilet seat up?" Dave Barry

                  Comment


                  • Dearest Portia,

                    Since, obviously, Pocket Trainer has not deigned to reply (perhaps he or she (what sex IS Pocket Trainer anyway?) doesn't KNOW the answer! OMG!) I will assist you, but only because you used the word déclassé correctly, albeit, without accents.

                    Ahem!

                    By holding down the ALT key and entering in special codes on the keypad, the correct letters with accents (or cedillas) will appear.

                    Here are some frequently used codes:

                    ê-0234
                    é-0233
                    è-0232
                    ç-0231

                    I hope this helps you become ... well, correct! As for Pocket Trainer. Well! It's not what I THOUGHT it was.

                    Plus, I want to know what whine errrrr wine to choose when complaining to Pocket Trainer.

                    The adventure has begun...
                    KT

                    P.S. In case you were wondering, the more people I get to know, the more I loff my horsie.
                    "For God hates utterly
                    The bray of bragging tongues."
                    Sophocles, Antigone Spoken by the Leader of the Chorus of Theban Elders

                    Comment


                    • Dear Pocket Trainer,

                      I wanted to let you know that my Pocket Trainer forays into the world of dressage have been going quite well. So well, in fact, that I have uncovered other opportunities that I wanted to bring to your attention. With the assistance of your system, I am now posing on darling Uberpferdie like never before. I have found that this is spurring me on to higher goals and ambitions. I now want to do lunch with the girls, more frequently, make sure my pedicure is fresh and spend more timing researching enology in the aisles of the local cellar. The catch? My children. Nannies are so obvious and one has to dabble with a certain element to procure them. My spouse has offered to oversee the nannie selection process, but this has lead to some problems in the past. I would like for the sub-humans, err uh, children to be handled, uh, I mean, ummm, ....cared for with the same standard of perfection that Uberpferdie now enjoys.


                      Again, don't thank me, I am a generous person by nature. You may, however, forward all royalties to my trust account.

                      Anxiously awaiting new product annoucments,

                      Dressage Regina
                      See those flying monkeys? They work for me.

                      Comment


                      • Dear North of the Border!

                        We here at Pocket Trainer are happy to tell you that your Pocket Trainer will read that pesky metric system and even convert it to a more conventional, civilized measurement standard (feet/inches). We are delighted to hear of your interest in a new mount, but feel that you may want to spend a little more quality time with your current horse before embarking on the decision to make your barn look like the European Union rides there.

                        This is not to say that we disapprove of buying a new horse, it's just that Pocket Trainer feels our industry might be treating our animals a bit too cavalierly. Therefore, Pocket Trainer recommend that you spend at least 8 weeks or 4 rides (whichever comes first) with your animal before proceeding to another mount. This seems long enough to demonstrate some sort of bond and silence the critics.

                        When contemplating a bond with your horse, Pocket Trainer always recommends a 1995 Alderbrook Kunde Vineyard Merlot.

                        Yours in a Pocket!

                        Pocket Trainer

                        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                        Yours in a Pocket!

                        Pocket Trainer

                        See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                        Comment


                        • Dear Potential Plus Participant!

                          Of course Pocket Trainer would be there for you in your search for the perfect mount. Pocket Trainer Matchmaker ($595 per analysis) and Pocket Trainer Search ($999 not including expenses and commi$$ion$) are excellent tools to help you find just the RIGHT! mount.

                          But Pocket Trainer warns you about expecting too much from your Lessons Plus ® program. Any succesful rider is part of the Pocket Team, and even as a rider who can make decisions in the ring, we caution you about such practice outside the ring. Innocent people could get hurt.

                          Pocket Trainer would like to point out that "Baloubet," while certainly an excellent choice, is a little bit yesterday's news. Rather like buying the old GP horse for your next adult jumper. Pocket Trainer thinks something like "Dollar du Murier" sends a much better message to your fellow show brethren.

                          As always, we recommend a 1994 Bartholomew Park Desnudos Cabernet when contemplating how to separate Eric Navet from his mount...

                          Yours in a Pocket!

                          Pocket Trainer

                          See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                          Yours in a Pocket!

                          Pocket Trainer

                          See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                          Comment


                          • Dear Pocket Trainer,

                            I've got a terrible crisis looming!

                            My spouse, totally out of the blue, has expressed an interest in meeting my horse, Paycheck Processor! Worse, he's expressed an interest in.....seeing me ride my horse, all on my own!

                            Polite laughter and appropriate spousal comments have not dissuaded him. Last night, I heard him muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "all that money and I've never seen her ride the damnthing."

                            Obviously, I can't simply show up at the barn and ride Paycheck! At the very least I'd need to alert a groom and my trainer to prep him....but how to explain this to the spouse? He seems quite put out at the idea that I can't simply hop on Paycheck and *shudder* "jump a few fences already."

                            I've already quaffed most of a 2000 Vine Cliff Chardonnay with some brie and apricots worrying about this! How can I explain to my dear funding source that his request is simply de trop?!

                            Horrified in Harford

                            Comment


                            • Dear Sold a Selle!

                              Sadly even if we could count on our mounts to self jog, it has been shown that certain judges (hereinafter referred to as "Old Time Farts") frown on any displays that might indicate that the mount is 100% independent of the rider.

                              Frankly, Pocket Trainer finds this ridiculous and out of date. But who else has time to judge except these Old Time Farts? So Pocket Trainer has programmed Pocket Groom ($495 installation, $79.95 monthly subscription plus tips!) to jog. Additionally, Pocket Junior and Pocket Trainer will jog if additional mounts are called. Pocket Trainer recommends that Posie utilize her fake limp and patented whine if she has a 4th mount in the jog. Presumably someone who didn't make the cutoff can be counted on jogging that mount.

                              As always, Pocket Trainer recommends a 1994 Benziger Imagery Sangiovese when thinking about owning 4 horses in one jog...

                              Yours in a Pocket!

                              Pocket Trainer

                              See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                              Yours in a Pocket!

                              Pocket Trainer

                              See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                              Comment


                              • Dear Worried Over White!

                                And well you SHOULD be worried! If you had utilized Pocket Trainer Matchmaker and Search prior to this point, you would never have been presented with this dilemma! Matchmaker would have identified your perfect mount down to the last dainty white stocking ending just 2" below the knee and the lovely blaze that slips down to a white spot (quarter sized) on the lower lip.

                                This is why you HAVE Pocket Trainer. To make your life perfect. We can only suggest that you politely decline the animal and turn the search over to us. Pour yourself a glass of 1991 Chateau St. Jean Reserve Cabernet before you open your checkbook!

                                Yours in a Pocket!

                                Pocket Trainer

                                See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                Yours in a Pocket!

                                Pocket Trainer

                                See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                Comment


                                • Dear mal Ã* propos!

                                  Pocket Trainer is very concerned. We have found our happiest clients are those that cannot be counted on to lift more fingers than absolutely necessary, and yet we find that you feel compelled to use 5 keystrokes where one will convey the same message. Even worse, you seem to be counseling our best clients to do likewise. This could very well be the first steps down a road best not travelled!

                                  Pocket Trainer prefers to portray a degree of mal du siècle when dealing with foreigners. When one conveys eagerness and interest, inevitably the price also goes up, and this cuts into valuable commi$$ion$ for Pocket Trainer.

                                  Pocket Trainer reminds her clients that mal du siècle, or world weariness, is best conveyed while languidly sipping a 1991 Silver Oak Bonny's Vineyard Cabernet

                                  Yours in a Pocket!

                                  Pocket Trainer

                                  See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                  Yours in a Pocket!

                                  Pocket Trainer

                                  See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                  Comment


                                  • Dear Dressage Regina!

                                    Pocket Trainer finds that in the hunter/jumper world, the children are generally indoctrinated into the sport early on (lead line) where they progress through the ranks. This has the advantage of allowing you to be within a 600 mile radius of the "little darlings" in case you should feel a maternal urge and want to interact with them. But between Pocket Trainer, Pocket Junior (Tutor Service - $1995 installation plus $995 monthly subscription) and Pocket Groom, you can be content in the knowledge that your precious little darlings are palmed off, er, well tended even if you haven't seen them in 72 hours!

                                    We at Pocket Trainer are eager to learn if this holds true in the dressage environment, because we here at pocket Trainer have learned that the child market is exceedingly lucrative. In fact the only thing that would improve it would be four height divisions in the pony division for the precious darlings to move up through. And given the current plethora of oversize mounts, we have considered petitioning the governing body for a 14'2 to 15'0 pony division!

                                    We always recommend a 1994 Neyers Chardonnay when one realizes that the 14'3 pony could actually be worth something...

                                    Yours in a Pocket!

                                    Pocket Trainer

                                    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                    Yours in a Pocket!

                                    Pocket Trainer

                                    See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                    Comment


                                    • Dear Horrified in Harford!

                                      Pocket Trainer sympathizes with your plight and recommends that if you cannot arrange to use the 1 hour PANIC button on your Pocket Trainer Communicator (thereby alerting the Pocket Team to get your mount ready for anything), then we highly recommend that you put your Pocket Team on 24 hour alert to have one of your mounts safely ready to go at all times. This may seem a little extreme, but extreme circumstances call for extreme measures!

                                      In the meantime, open another couple bottles of Chardonnay and be sure your spouse drinks 3 glasses for your one. Then if he does happen to get the jump on the Pocket Team (highly unlikely!), Pocket Junior can hop on and pretend to be you, and he will never know the difference!

                                      Yours in a Pocket!

                                      Pocket Trainer

                                      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)
                                      Yours in a Pocket!

                                      Pocket Trainer

                                      See the light! (Light available - $99.95)

                                      Comment


                                      • Dear Pockets (if I may be so bold as to call your majesty and knower of all that's knowable "Pockets" ... but I feel that since you have all my bank routing numbers and are a co-signer on my multiple platinum cards, I should be entitled to stand on a little less ceremony):

                                        I am UTTERLY humiliated. My sister, whom I was always taught to look up to since she's, well, more mature, refused to buy another custom tack trunk when we changed show barns yet again. Oh, the horrors! She used some word I'd never heard ... budget maybe? what on earth?? ... and said it just "made no sense" to buy another trunk in another color scheme when we'd likely be moving again.

                                        Pockets, brace yourself: SHE BOUGHT A PLASTIC STORAGE THINGIE FROM <<GASP!>> WAL-MART AND SAYS THAT THE MOST SHE WILL DO IS BUY ANOTHER TRUNK COVER IN OUR NEW BARN'S COLORS!

                                        Horrors, I tell you. Simply horrors.

                                        Pockets, I am at a loss. She is stamping her dainty little Size 7 foot down, saying that she will not allow ME to buy a new trunk either! Pockets, I simply cannot be relegated to the back of the barn aisle or -- worse! -- to the back of the other side of the other barn aisle because of her penny-pinching!

                                        I am in tears. I am humiliated. I just know that this finally, once and for all proves, that I am adopted.

                                        Dearest Pockets, whatever shall I do?

                                        Signed, I Used to Think My Sister Was a Saint but Now I Know She's a Sinner!

                                        ***** I muck, therefore I am. *****
                                        Congratulate me! My CANTER cutie is an honor student at Goofball University!

                                        Comment


                                        • Dear Pocket Trainer,
                                          I hhave a desperate dilemma. I don't ride or anything but I love to give advice and I am simply FED UP with the eye rolling and deep sighs I get when I give my well thought out and pertinent advice. Perhaps a SUTH (slap upside the head) Machine? Have you got such a device?

                                          And if you publish your wine lists in booklet form - that would be great.

                                          Cheers

                                          Comment

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